Help..?

I hope a can get so advice here. A little about my situation. Me and my wife separated about two weeks ago, after she found out I was cheating through text messages for about a year. Before I get the backlash here, I just want to say how horrible I feel about the situation, I beat myself up everyday, and I go by the saying, I made this bed of nails, I will gladly lay in it for her. I lied about it the first time, and the 2nd time she found more evidence, I broke down and told her the truth. We have an amazing 18 month old together. I will fight the devil himself to get my wife back. I just currently started counseling to figure out just why I did what I did, because even I don't have answers.

The woman I talked to were from across the country and I have never actually acted upon meeting them (I know that doesn't make it any better) I have sense moved out. I see my son during the weekends, and Ill stop by after work to see him. She says "I don't know" if we will get back together, at first she said she thought we just needed time, and that she thought it could be fixed. Now, she says she doesn't know if she could love me again.

I am in need of answers, I am struggling right now with what to do. How do I prove to her that I am changing. I hate what I did, and I would walk through hell to fix it. If time is what she needs, then if it takes 2 years to do so, then that is what is it.


Any advice? Could this be fixed?

Sure, it could be fixed, but it depends on you. Your ex-wife may never want to see you again after what you did to her. When someone is cheated on, it makes them feel completely worthless and unloved, disrespected and dishonored. You have to understand that this isn't always something that can be fixed, and that love in marriage is almost always conditional because of what can happen or be done by one partner to another. This is a lesson to be learned, as you know. You messed up big time; many people do. Make this a time in your life where you vow to never do what you did again, to anyone. When you love someone, faithfulness is easy. You have to understand that she may never forgive you, and eventually you may have to come to terms with that. I'm sorry that this situation is happening to you, but obviously we get what we ask for in life.

I hope, that through this, she will see that change, and will forgive me. I hate what I did, I hate I possible my loose my family. My son is my world, and so was she. If I could take it all back I would, I know this line has been said many, many times. All I can do is really push, and bust my butt to show her how sorry I am.

Hello IamHere22: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Contrary to what I think you expect, IamHere22, I'm going to say that what you did was not all that terrible, in the whole scheme of things. There is much worse... believe me. My personal view is that both you & your wife are really turning a dust devil into a tornado, so to speak. And I must admit, I don't understand why...

Sure, would it have been better if it had never happened? Of course! But this is not something to break an otherwise happy marriage over... particularly one which includes an 18 month old child! OMG! What's happening between you & your wife makes me suspect that perhaps things were not going so well to begin with & maybe this is the last straw? After all, you didn't even DO anything with the woman you texted!

I obviously don't know what your wife's motivation is in this. And it is going to be up to her to decide where she wants your marriage to go from here... if anywhere. There's no way you can force her to forgive if she chooses not to. All you can do is to demonstrate, through your actions, that you're determined to do whatever you can to save your marriage.

Seek individual counseling to help you understand what it was that caused you to become involved with texting this other woman. If your wife is willing, pursue marriage & family counseling together in an effort to resolve the issues that have driven you apart. If such is available where you live, you might also consider some sort of men's support group as another means of "finding yourself" in this whole process. Beyond that, simply continue to be there for your wife & child to whatever extent, & in whatever way, your wife permits.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

You want to do everything possible right now to prove to her you're trustworthy again and faithful. you have your simple answer. Do exactly what it would take for someone to prove their faithfulness. Step into her shoes and imagine being betrayed and lied to for a long time, think about what it's like ot realize the person you are supposedly tied to has led a double life. What would it take for you to believe them again?

Don't cop out on this one. If you tell yourself "well I'd forgive them and blah blah blah" That's ******** and you and I know it is. I say this because typically it's a knee jerk reaction to what I just said. Think, ponder and analyze what it feels like to be betrayed, cheated on and lied to and then once you truly understand her position you can probably figure out what you should do. I make no guarantees here either. what you "should" do and what will happen are two different things.

For me, being cheated on is something I do not come back from. I have not yet moved past the ones that cheated on me and come to a place where they have ever regained my trust as it was at one point in my life. I don't know... they never went out of their way to prove anything to me, so I can't say if it would have changed things but the truth is, when my heart is given, my trust is very sincere, when it's broken, something very important to me has been broken.

You should also ask her. What you can do. If she says "nothing" then leave it at that, you can't change her mind. You can only do what is right moving forward. what she does with it is up to her and entirely not your decision.

I don't know how I would feel honestly. I am a very forgiving person. I have been cheated in the past, and I wanted to know if it was something I did, and if I could make it better. But, I find woman only cheat when they don't feel loved, or something emotional.

We defiantly had our issues, the biggest being money. But, we always overcame our fights, and set them aside. I am starting to look back on it, and as I have said to my friends, I wasn't the greatest husband. But, work, money started to take its toll on me. I am hoping that this isn't truly the end, and this is healing time for the both of us. I don't know what it is, but I honestly feel like it isn't over. I don't know if this is me holding on to hope, or this is actually something. She isn't the most forgiving person, and she has stated this before. But, I have seen her forgive, but it isn't easy.

I am doing what I can do prove how sorry I am. I don't want anyone else, I want my wife, I vowed to spend my life with her, and I still want to do that.

If, this is truly the end. I would be crushed, especially for my son. I don't want him to have two have to separate parents. I am also, so afraid for some other man to step in and become another father. (I don't know if she will date right away, or if at all) I know, I will not for a very long time. As, I really have to start searching deep to figure out, just why I did what I did. I really don't have answers, It wasn't like, at the time I was searching, the conversations I had just went that way out of nowhere, and it become addicting.

I don't know if anyone on here believes in the law of attractions, but I have started to look into it, I have heard amazing things from this.

I have grown to believe time heals a heart, I will do whatever! it takes to prove how badly I want to fix our marriage.

She, hasn't pushed for divorce, and like I said, in the begging she seemed like it would be fixed, she even once stated about me moving out, that it wasn't permanent, but she went back on that.

As the holidays approach, without sounding selfish, I hope she comes around, this is my sons first really Christmas, and I don't want to miss Santa Or his first trick or treating.......

Today is my birthday. And, it's the first one without my wife. I miss her good morning birthday kiss, and our annual birthday breakfast. I think the best thing was picking up a movie, and cufflinks on the couch. I'm sorry, just venting..

I also, noticed today. She has changed her name on Facebook to her maiden name..

Acknowledge her feelings about it and yet at the same time, you must tell your truth. This must be done, ideally, in the presence of a therapist. Do you think your wife might be willing to enter into therapy in order to heal the marriage, state your intentions and mutually affirm your respective needs?

If she won't agree to therapy, here are some suggestions:

There is a book called Consciously Loving by Hendricks

There are also some great resources on Monika Hoyt's youtube channel.



Wishing you the best.

Well, you can only change yourself. You cannot change her. You may (now or in ten years or whenever) become the MOST perfect, MOST faithful, MOST devoted husband that ever was....but that will not change how she might feel. You can try, but some people can never get over something like this. And that is their own thing, "right" or "wrong"....

When you step outside of the definition of what she wants in a partner, then it's really her decision to accept it or not.

She has stated before, she did not want to go to therapy. I don't mean to sound crazy, but I refuse to give up. I just don't feel its over, until it really over. If she dates, she dates, if she doesn't then that's even better. I have had sometime to think, and all the matter right now is my son.

I hope in near time, she will see what a great father I am, and maybe even see I can be a great husband. She is being pretty nasty right now to me. I think its best to give her space, and much as possible.

How do I go about this while still wanting to see my son? I love stopping by during the week to see him. But, it's not helping with the whole "Give space thing" should I stop doing this, and just see him during the weekends?

Do you believe this could actually help? Ie, not seeing each other as much, and only using contacting to talk about my son?

She might not feel as if therapy is needed for herself though...her rules for herself (and her relationships) might be exactly what she wants, and has wanted from the time she was old enough to develop them....they don't have to change if she doesn't want them to.

You not wanting to "give up" is all well and good, but it doesn't have anything to do with what SHE wants for her life. Make sense?

I cannot speak to your arrangements with your son as I have never been divorced. I can only imagine that unannounced drop-ins from someone that I am angry with would only further fuel my anger. And for that I am very sorry.

Perhaps you both need to have a sit down and come up with some rules as far as seeing your son goes. Maybe a heads-up by way of text, or maybe a schedule...

Hopefully, someone who has been in your position will pipe in with a much better opinion than mine.

Good luck to you. Keep posting.

At this point don't give up. This is the time you try to make it work. Point out that it never got physical and that maybe you deserve another chance. Point out what you will do in the future to prevent this from ever happening again.

Number one priority for both of you, no matter what happened is how your son feels. He didn't ask for any of this. this is so not about you guys, it's about him. His day-to-day life. his feelings. what he has to witness. say that to yourself every day. Best of luck.

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Thank you you have all be amazing. I will not give up, not just for us, be especially my little boy (my world).

Therapy starts this week, I am excited, for change. I hope she eventually see's that.

Good luck with therapy! If this is couples therapy, I think the best thing you can do is take ownership of how your behavior and issues impact the marriage. And she needs to do the same...every person has issues and it takes two in a relationship.

She understandably is hurt and the therapist can help validate that....let her be upset and you need to take ownership of how you played a role in causing the rift in your marriage. Express that you are sorry, you love her, and you want to regain her trust.That, I think, will open the door to forgiveness and reconciliation.

I hope it's couples therapy. If not, please disregard lol

Idea: Get a new phone with a new phone number. It symbolizes a clean slate. Give your wife the new number. I wouldn't bother mentioning the other woman here...just give your wife your new number and tell her you did it as a clean slate.

This is a small thing but it might help. (And of course don't have that other lady's info on your new phone. She doesn't need your new number, obviously.)

Dropping in is a bad idea. It's not respectful. Ask for scheduled visitations or stared custody

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Hi. I hope things are improving for you. I think you need to do 3 things:

1. Make up your mind whether what you did was bad or not. A lot of the times people in your situation can't make up their minds. Sometimes they feel guilty. Sometimes they try to justify their actions. Make up your mind. If you can see that what you did was wrong then just stand with it. Never try to justify it anymore. Say what I did was wrong. Period.

2. Once you make up your mind that what you did was wrong, then ask yourself whether there is one person (in the past or currently) in this world that has made no mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger than others but we all make mistakes.

3. Acknowledge that you are hurt first and foremost. Your actions have hurt your own self more than anyone else. And acknowledge that you need a superpower to heal your heart. You can't heal yourself. The only thing that can heal your heart is goodness. So from now on devote your life to goodness. Do good deeds. Help others. Don't do the bad things you used to do. Help kids. Volunteer at a hospital. Etc. Then if you persevere and have patience the goodness that you engage in will cure and clean your heart.

4. Acknowledge that you cannot access you wife's heart. No one can access anyone's heart. But the same goodness in step 3 can access all hearts. So continue to be good to her and your kid. Slowly hack away all the bad from your life and bring in goodness. Imagine that there is an eye that sees you all the time and that same eye has a hand that can heal/change your heart and your wife's heart.

5. Have complete trust that while you engage in good deeds eveything will eventually work out fine. Live in goodness and ease starting today. Put worry aside.

May you find peace, love, and happiness. And I hope eveything works out for you.


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