Not made for romance?

So I'm 22 years old and I've never had a relationship and I've only kissed someone once. In my entire life I've only had one crush on a guy who is gay, so needless to say that wouldn't work out. I've never been on a date and practically no one ever shows interest in me, just like I never seem to be interested in someone (except for that one time). It makes me really sad that I'm missing out on things that everyone else finds so normal and that they start to experience when they're teens. I want to fall in love and get married some day, but I never feel good or pretty enough to be in a relationship. I have hirsutism and I'm not the prettiest girl out there I guess. I'm just ashamed of my body and I don't feel like my personality is that likeable. Even though I want to be in a relationship, the thought of become closer and more intimate with someone makes me feel nervous and awkward since I have less experience than most teens. The older I get the more difficult it becomes, since people just expect you to have at least some experience at this age. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm in a never ending downwards spiral which makes me feel hopeless and without a real future to look forward to. I'm really scared I'm going to end up alone.

Don't worry, i can tell you there's someone somwher out there for everybody, BUT, you don't really have to find someone, because these things "Just happen". Sure, there's nothing wrong in doing things to increase your chances (Like online dating, trying new things, etc.) but don't look for someone just for the sake of being with someone.

You see, i'm 20 years old and i even hadn't have my first kiss. I used to be like you (No interest in anyone) and all of a sudden, i got more interested in getting to know people to see if we can be together.

Also, don't talk bad about yourself, don't try to find the perfect man for you, BE the perfect woman which everybody wishes to be with. It's an everyday work, becoming a better person you were yesterday, and believe me...
FIRST of all, i don't believe you could be not that pretty.
SECOND, looks are sort of important, BUT, there are two things on this:

1. EVERYBODY likes different things, although most people might like similar stuff, some like tall women, som short ones. From my personal point of view, i don't really have a "Type of woman", if i like her, i like her and that's it.

2. Let me tell you a story, i once met this girl who was average looking, and between us, her nose was quite funny, do you know Owen Wilson? Similar haha, it was sort of big and "sided". She once asked me something (I remember it was a stupid question, it answered it by itself) but i didn't mind and i answered. This way, i guessed it was just an excuse for talking, and hell do i love talking. So, we get to know each other kind of well, and after a few months i realized i gave a damn about her appearance or our age gap, i was in lov with this woman.

My point is, things happen naturally, don't force anything, but you gotta work on your self esteem and be the best you can be.

Blessings and be safe.

In my experience, things only happen when you make them happen.
But I say that as a 33 year old male. Yes, virgin, never kissed anyone since age 9, never been on a date.

Every girl used to know I wasn't interested in any girl and I was mean to them when they showed interest. Why? Because I was honestly afraid and felt they were making fun of me. Until I became more mature. Friends used to think I was gay. They used to talk about having sex with girls, about 'scoring'. But honestly, I'd reject a one night stand with the prettiest girl in the world. I'd rather have sexual fantasies where I was 100% in control.

Maybe this is a huge secret, but probably not. Men fall in love. And they do it quickly and suddenly. Why I fall in love at the times I do and with the woman I do, that is the greatest mystery in my life. It only happened twice. But it happens. And to other men more often than to me. And they fall in love with people that are a part of their lives. Not some girl they see walking somewhere or some celebrity. No, with a person they talked to.

And once they are in love, they will believe you are extremely beautiful, even if you are not. I tried to convince myself I cannot fall in love with woman that aren't extremely pretty and probably way out of my league. But when I look at an old picture I saved 13 years ago of the girl I was in love with for years, she is not that pretty. And she aged 13 years in reality. But I thought she was the most amazing person on the planet.
My friend who knew her told me that in his eyes she was 'nothing special' either physical or personality-wise. And he apparantly had a clear idea which girls were out of his league and which were not. I have no clue.

Looks aren't anywhere near 100% objective, but in general people find the same people attractive. And more than half of the people, they are below average by definition. In fact, females think that 80% of men look below average. source: Your Looks and Your Inbox « OkTrends
But it's not the physically not attractive people who never get into relationships. They do. And yes, usually they are both not that attractive.
I see them everywhere, happy or unhappy, I don't know. But they aren't single. So even if you are not attractive, this is no reason to have no relationhips.

Not being motivated to look out for that one person, and the challenge, stress and troubles that come with it, when you don't even like that person; for this issue I have no solution. I don't know how other people can do it. And if you ask them, they think it happens automatically. They will even tell you to stop worrying about it: "It will happen." they say.
I don't see it.

But for woman, they are not expected to take any action. The man is. So, even if a woman takes 0 initiative, she will have romantic interactions. A man, probably not unless a girl in his life rates him as top 20%.
Are you really sure you have taken more initiative than the average male your age? Because if not, you are just chickening out like most females and letting the men do all the work. I know, it is a selection requirement hardwired into the genes. Females select for active males and you can't do that if you aren't passive yourself. But that's just genes. No need for them to dictate our society.

What do you do? For hirsutism, you can shave. I don't know how bad it is. Maybe you are overly self-conscious, maybe not. But I can't say you are wrong in saying that it doesn't make you less attractive.

Personality is probably most important. I can't imagine how I could fall in love with woman that's passive and doesn't radiate feminine energy. And she has to have things going on in her life that make you admire her. And she has to be pleasant to talk with. And I don't understand that. I suspect I am not pleasant to talk with for many people, but I myself react very strongly to this, though maybe only when it's about people of the opposite sex. I don't know how to be more pleasant. You can't force yourself to say things you don't feel like saying, and you can't be safe and say the minimum.

Your face you cannot change, but your body you have some effect on. If you are overweight, you can eat less. If you aren't as toned, you can do more sports. I see overweight woman sometimes who have really attractive faces but have bodies that are both unhealthy and unattractive. And being young and overweight usually says a lot about your upbringing and character. When I say 'overweight' I mean 'overweight'. You bring up your body yourself. So as a solution-oriented man, this is what I answer. Not the "You need to be self confident about your body, no matter how you look." That said, the 22 year females that are most sexy, body-wise, they will be too fat by the time they get to be 35. Thin isn't that attractive, to me.

If nothing else, though healthj diet and sports you can become more confident.

Then you need to be enthusiastic, spontaneous and feminine always because you never know when you meet the person you'll become interested in for the first time.

And then have as many interactions with males that meet the criteria you have. You can write down the criteria your reason can come up with. But better would be to figure out the criteria your emotional self responds to.

At least you are sad right now. I was never sad. But now sometimes I see something on tv and I realize I will never be a 23 year old in love with another 23 year old. Something like almost everyone experiences, and I never came close, partly due to my own doing.

I also don't understand men. There's men out there that are so desperate, they will have sex with almost any female. And I guess that is the minefield for females, having to deal with all these men only interested in shallow interactions. I am not one of them and I never have to deal with them, so to me that's completely alien. But when a female comes and says she can't get romance to happen, it strikes me as a bit odd. Maybe it is not romance, but are you really sure no male is interested in you in this shallow manner? And that they are desperate doesn't mean they are low quality. No, it's men that have their life on track. I guess that's how some females increase their confidence.

There's been one guy who was interested in a "shallow manner", but like you said: that's not romance. They're just interested in one night and don't care about you as a person or really respect you.

I had to look up hirtuism. That's an easy one to fix. In the US we have European Wax Centers that do all areas, quickly, affordably.

You did feel attraction when you had that kiss, so you know you have it in you.

You can make yourself look your best with make up, clothes, exercise which does help you feel more confident (in love and in work) and will attract more men to you.

22 is still so young and it's kind of nice that you haven't had to go through heartbreak and trauma.

You are in uni, I see in other posts.

As a mature student myself, I am probably doing a terrible job, but this is really one of the best settings any person can ever be in to make friends. I feel.

There are many people your age, exploring adult life for the first time. Many smart, ambitious, motivated people. People with insecurities and people open to new people, experiences, ideas, willing come out of their comfort zone, or open to other people helping to drag them out of their comfort zone. People looking for new people to practice their old sports and hobbies with.

You should try to figure out in what respects you aren't exploiting this. I know, I barely practice what I preach. But I feel this is true nonetheless and you can probably make improvements there.

It will be so different when in age 35-45, where people have families, jobs, are stuck in their old lives, aren't open to new ideas, etc etc.

You only live in the present. Make sure you have no regrets of not making the most out of your student life when your student life is over.
You say you live with your parents in an older post. I suggest moving to the university town.
Better to be lonely in university town, than to sit at your parents place behind a computer, as even I do.
Many people are lonely there, and it's ok. You can actually tell people this, and they will be nice to you and be inclusive.

First what normal is, is whatever is natural, comfortable and acceptable to you. There is no norm when it comes to who's dating, who's not and just because many others are involved in relationships, it should not be a reason to be motivated to find someone yourself. Find someone for your own reasons! Don't worry so much about what others are doing Be your own self, independent and unique. Your path and life is not something that should conform to what you think is some norm. It's ok to want to be with someone but to do it for reasons like "because everyone else is" just isn't good.

If you are not interested in anyone, perhaps working on being single and being content with your life as it is, is something to work on. It is not wrong nor is it a bad thing to be single and alone for a time, heck it's not a bad thing for some people to remain single for life, if that's what they choose. My only point is, if you're not interested in anyone why force the issue? you'll only end up with the wrong person that way anyway

as many do but you're 22, young and really, does it have to be NOW? because it doesn't happen in the next x number of days, weeks, months or even years does not mean it's a permanent thing.

I too had to look up the condition and if you ask me, there are ways to deal with that, it's not like a condition where you can do nothing about like one that has deformed your face or body and you can't cover it up/fix it. As others have pointed out, you can offset it with waxing etc. I'd try that if if makes you less self conscious. Being ashamed of your body may feel like something unique to you but truth is, almost all teens, esp. teen girls are like this on some level. Even those that seem really confident and happy outwardly have some of the same issues but don't show it. Trust me on this. I know your condition may be very extraordinary and rare but it's not an impossible thing to overcome What matters more is you, your personality etc.

Everyone's personality is likeable by some and by others not so much. We are all individuals and someone that appreciates your particular traits and personality is out there. NO one is loved and cared for by everyone around.

Also being nervous and awkward is ok too. I've been married, had kids and everything but I am super awkward still, at my age!

"the older I get..." Really, I'm going to say this again. You're ONLY 22! some people don't even get into relationships until your age and older and that's not abnormal. Again there is no standard for this. if someone tells you otherwise they are full of s*** . Going to end up alone. IT is far too soon for you to even worry about ending up alone. Future does not = being in a relationship. As long as you tie a real future to being in a relationship you'll feel hopeless. find your own future, goals and this, for you, yourself by yourself and independent of a relationship. Then and only then should you even be in one. happiness, contentment etc should be fulfilled free of other people because others will always fail to fulfill all of our needs.

Hang in there.

I feel sad that you are so upset about this.
I dont think you are missing out on anything 'normal'.
This is coming from a 25 year old female with 2 kids.

I wish i had better self confidence to know that one night with a guy was not going to make me like myself more.
Thankfully i got pregnant by my husband who is an amazing guy.
But the heartache and the low image of myself was awful. And the only reason why i started exploring sexually during my teens was because i hated myself.

Work on loving you for who you are and the universe will respond. If you enjoy someting, join a club or group. You will meet people like you and have a stronger sense of who you are as a person.

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I know 22 is not old, but when you're that age without any experience, people generally do find it weird. Just a while ago I heard a conversation between two friends who were having a conversation about someone saying "yeah, but he's still a virgin". It's not that I wat a relationship tomorrow, but people just think it's at least surprising these days and they look for someone with at least some experience on the relationship level. It's just seen as something that's a part of growing up. Also most guys I've seen comment on hirsutism say that it's a turn off and/or that they wouldn't want to date someone who has it. It's not that you can't take care of it, because I shave every day, but it just grows back and it doesn't solve the problem. It's not like I can hide it from a partner. I hope I never end up in the hospital without being able to get out of bed, simply because it'd be so embarrassing to start growing hairs on my face after a day. The only potential solution sadly costs a lot of money and the results are not even guaranteed. It just makes you feel less like a woman.

This is wonderful advice. Love yourself first. Find things you love and enjoy and join groups associated with them.

I have nothing to add that has not been said, except for shaving stimulates hair growth.


You may want to switch to waxing.

no one is made for romance. Romance is a something you experience, something you make happen from being in a situation. Romance is not anything anyone is skilled at because what is romantic to one person may be different for another and it depends on the couple and what they find romantic. some may find climbing mountains together romantic, others a candle lit dinner and a movie.. still others may find something altogether different. You cannot be made for something that takes two to figure out.

Romance is not an automatic thing either even in the best of relationships it takes two, it takes work and it takes time and getting to know someone. So each one of us has the capacity for it and the ability to be or not be romantic but it's all quite subjective and relative to where you are and who you are with.

So moving away from the literal, I believe she feels like she's not the prime material for her target group ( think it's males but I don't like to assume and don't feel like scrolling :P deal with it) to find attractive for being in a relationship and have all things romantic with.

To this I defer to my short statement before, not everyone will find you attractive and desire to have you as a mate but rare few have everyone want them in this way. But that's not the goal is it? One that decides they want to be with you is all it takes. You are unique and different have your own ways, personality and behaviors. yes even your awkwardness can be found cute and appealing to some people. Truly it's not a weakness though it can be a hinderance to finding people for you simply because we (yes me too, as I said before) make it harder by limiting ourselves with our awkwardness.

as I said, focus on happiness, contentment, doing well and good in your own mind and accept where you are. it's a journey. some of it will be alone and some of it with a partner. Neither phase is better or worse, just different. embrace where you are right now and be content. Honest, guys and girls will always notice those of us that are the most content and happy with our lives.

Hang in there.

I never thought anyone would want me, either. I don't think it's an unusual thought to have at some point in your life.

People respond best to people who are enjoying that moment in their lives....they want to share that enjoyment.

It seems normal for people your age to want to be wonderful in and they will talk about what they think that means...whether it's success, how great the night before was, what so and so wore to whatever event was happening....anyway, take it all with a grain of salt. The reality is usually not the way it's told.

I did not have any serious relationship until my 20s when I met my partner (who I've been with22 years now), in my head I felt 'different' somehow to others. The truth is we are all different in our own way, that does not mean we are static and doomed to stay as we are forever. As S4nd says there are no rules.

If a guy likes you then your hirsutism will not put him off, any guy worth having is not that shallow (the shallow ones are not worth having!). Managing that condition is something you can do, as Trip mentions there is waxing which is longer lasting and home IPL machines are something more affordable than laser which you could save up for. This might give your confidence a boost.

I strongly believe that you should not strive to make yourself attractive on the outside for the sole purpose of finding love.
Happiness comes from loving yourself first, then being able to allow someone to love you.

I read this post to my husband and he got upset and sad for the advice that was given. He said, looks fade with age, partnership shows the the ugliness and raw of each person. You have to love the person, not their appearance alone.

I still stand by my advice, do things that make you happy, joind clubs or groups and you will meet others with the same interests who will get to know your personality and you as a person, not a sexual object.

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Amen!

Love yourself, be strong in your morals and dont settle for anything less than what you deserve OP. I think it is less about finding a sexual partner and more about being confident in who you are as a lovley young woman.

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Well...that was quite the discussion haha. I must say that like Prefabsprout I was a bit confused as well sometimes and didn't quite understand everything that was meant but I think I got most of it. First of all I'd like to say that I appreciate everyone who replied to this with advice.

Talthybius, I think that it's this part that set people off a bit: "This is true. I never engaged in any shallowness, ever. You probably have." The "You probably have" came off as an insult towards bipolarmama31.

Now as far as the "you have to be happy with yourself and you're inner side comes first"-part goes: I'm sure that it's true that you can't be in a good relationship with someone who isn't happy with themselves and it's definitely something that everyone should work on. But then again, don't we all have insecurities and things we worry about? I can't imagine that everyone who's in a relationship is happy with themselves. Also, I get what Talthybius is saying in the sense that I think that first attraction is mostly physical and just being happy and confident with yourself probably won't cut it. You don't know the person so subconsciously you probably go: he's hot, he isn't. That being said, I know that attraction can grow or come up once you get to know people, meaning that you're attracted to their personality, intelligence,... (this happened to me a few weeks ago). They become (more) interesting once you start talking to them and get to know them. But even then most people probably wouldn't be interested if there isn't at least some physical attraction towards that person or if they're really ugly in their eyes?

When it comes to experiences Thaltybius is talking about, I honestly don't care wether it's superficial or deep. Also, it's not only about sexual experience, it's romantic experience in general. Sure a 15-year-old isn't going to have a deep romantic relationship that their heart is completely into, but those brief romances or crushes, learning how to kiss,... are part of your development I think, and missing out on that makes me feel like I've missed out on for example learning how to ride a bike or something. It's such a basic part of growing up that practically everyone experiences and prepares you for later on if you know what I mean. I'm not saying that I would have liked to go to bed with every other guy I see, I still don't and won't, but I don't see anything wrong with people who've had a few sexual partners (in a relationship or not) and wouldn't judge them for it (if they'd come to me with 100 people on their list, that's a different story haha). That being said, it's not like it's really my choice that I had sex or not because it take 2 to tango haha. Sure there was one guy who was interested in just that, but like I said that's not my thing. But that was also the only time that it was really an option, unless I'd maybe had gone up to some random guy. But even then they have to be attracted to you to want to do it.

I won't deny that I could've gone out more during my student time (I've got one year to go, but my last year I will take the train from home since I have less classes and it's basically a waste of money to rent a room for 4 hours of class in the week, however much I would've like to stay in the city). The thing is, I'm not a big party-person and my campus isn't really big (most campuses of my uni are in a different city) so we don't have the big student life with clubs to join like many American universities seem to have with their student life. It's kind of hard to join clubs and meet a lot of people when you live in a small place.

I know that in your late teens, early twenties you are in your prime, but I wonder if that really matters? Because people in their thirties, forties, fifties,... date and marry as well. Just like I wouldn't be attracted to a 18-year-old, there are probably many older people who wouldn't want to date a 20-year-old because they don't have more or less the same amount of life experiences. I think personality and age come more into play there.

We're reopening this thread after removing or editing some of the replies. We're asking responders to please take care to stay on topic and avoid arguing with each other. We want this thread to be about the OP getting support, not about whose advice is better than whose.