[TishaBuv]

That's what screwed up my relationship. I dared find fault with a perfectionist. I realize that in the beginning, I tolerated everything and didn't criticize at all because I 1. Didn't want to see fault, 2. Wanted the relationship. But as soon as we were truly committed and he started to do something that really hurt me and started doing things I really couldn't handle, and I expressed how I wanted him to change, the whole relationship went downhill on a steady decline.

[NewCommer]

I'm sorry to know you're passing through hard time.
Yo know what was wrong, what will you do now?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by NewCommer

I'm sorry to know you're passing through hard time.
Yo know what was wrong, what will you do now?

Try to put up and shut up.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Try to put up and shut up.

You are going back to him?

What point is there at keeping inside of yourself the things that are bothering you? It will only make you miserable won't it?

If there are things that are a fault that are critical to the marriage or to you, then they need to be dealt with & worked through for the marriage to work. Holding things in only for them to build up & blow up later on when they finally get too much to hold in isn't good for anyone, you, your marriage or your husband. Really not fair to anyone.

I agree with Eskie, it's not good to bottle up.

I hope you can move forward in a way that allows you both to communicate your needs/expectations honestly.

[Artchic528]

Okay, let me get this straight. This guy gives you such heartache and distress, yet you keep going back to him time and time again. I thought you moved out to start a much healthier life, yet you're still with this guy? I understand that you have strong romantic feelings for him, but nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, is worth losing your sanity over.

Either leave him for good and free yourself from his emotional grip, or lose your sanity by living with him. What's the choice going to be?

[TishaBuv]

I don't have strong romantic feelings for him because of the way he acts. That's the crux of the matter.

I'm thinking he never asked me to change about anything, but I became dissatisfied with him and asked him to change. Big Mistake! He didn't change and I drove myself crazy trying to stay in a romantic relationship that just didn't do it for me.

Now I keep running back and forth, staying/ leaving.

I have so much anger and resentment that he wouldn't give me what I needed. I hate him as a love, but I love him as a family member.

I still have a child at home. I am supposed to be filing for divorce now that it's the end of the summer, but I am not doing it.

To be honest, it's about the money, too.

All I know is this- I will not cope by harming myself anymore. I think I'll just start there.

[Artchic528]

What's the point in being with him if he makes you unhappy ALL the time. Good drunken sex? A child together? Money?

You have put these things before your own needs for too long. You need to start doing things for yourself for a change. No excuses.

[TishaBuv]

Doing what kinds of things for myself?

[Artchic528]

Things that make you happy. You deserve a guy who makes you happy, who listens to you, and supports your hobbies and shares in the things you love to do. Maybe I'm being naive in how relationships work, and have some overly romantic misconception dancing in my head, but that's how I think every relationship should be like.

Maybe in a perfect world, eh?

[TishaBuv]

" who listens to you, and supports your hobbies and shares in the things you love to do."

I've had boyfriends and my husband. They have all done what you said above. But I broke up with them or they dumped me. I was happy when I was with them, but I broke up with them because I didn't see a future with them and/or I turned off to the sex. (I have an intimacy issue)

[TishaBuv]

Husband listens to me. He hears me saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah........ Lol

[TishaBuv]

Whoa, you made me realize, the guys didn't do what I liked to do for the most part. I did what they liked to do.

The college serious BF hated my friends. But then I find out he slept with them.

There isn't really that much that I like to do that would include a partner. I acted or sang. The bfs and husband came to see me perform, but they didn't participate.

I had a BF with a catamaran and I loved doing that with him and liked his boat friends, but he dumped me.

OMG how do I like MY eggs? I'm like the Runaway Bride! I'm the Runaway Wife!!!

[unaluna]

Your "took a wrong turn in alberquerque" isnt just a funny saying, is it? I know the feeling i wanna go back to fifteen year old me. Thats where my wrong turn was.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Whoa, you made me realize, the guys didn't do what I liked to do for the most part. I did what they liked to do.

The college serious BF hated my friends. But then I find out he slept with them.

There isn't really that much that I like to do that would include a partner. I acted or sang. The bfs and husband came to see me perform, but they didn't participate.

I had a BF with a catamaran and I loved doing that with him and liked his boat friends, but he dumped me.

OMG how do I like MY eggs? I'm like the Runaway Bride! I'm the Runaway Wife!!!

Take some time to figure out what you want to do and devote your time to that. Singing? Join a community chorus group. Catamaran? Go to a place where you can rent one, and take lessons on how to do so.

Doing what your SO likes to do all the time makes for deep seeded resentment and overall unhappiness. Don't go that route. Do things for yourself. Do what makes you happy and isn't something to do to make your SO happy. Relationships are about give and take.

I think it's good to share some things you both enjoy but personally I don't think it's essential or even healthy to share most things, I do lots of my own things alone because they just don't interest my partner. Where we touch base is our home life, that is where the connection is for us.

If you enjoy acting or singing that's great, I think it's really healthy to do things we love for ourselves.

[fairydustgirl]

what you are describing as 'criticizing' a perfectionist for doing things that made you feel bad, or hurt and otherwise holding it in not to make waves is EXACTLY what I did, only here is the truth of it...it is PROTESTING against something that is harming us, however it is, emotionally or whatever. That was MY mistake, in NOT protesting...because I was not heard. or ignored. or made to feel that what I was feeling was incorrect or stupid. I was talked over in arguments to the point that I gave up and stopped arguing altogether. There is nothing wrong with protesting against behavior that is causing you harm or making you feel bad. My problem came to a head finally when I tried to protest against what my X was doing workwise and how that was affecting our relationship. He made it clear that he liked what he was doing and was not going to stop. It still took me 3 more years to finally leave, as I was continuing to have severe bipolar episodes prior. Since I had given up making protests years before, this particular one held no weight.

You need to take back your power. While you are separated...be separated! Find yourself. It takes a while but you will do it, I am working on it myself and slowly but surely my life is going in a better direction.
((HUGS)))

[TishaBuv]

I tried last night to keep my mouth shut and I just don't have it in me. (I'm Jewish! Lol)

I told h that I now think that what I have is C-PTSD with dissociation. That's why I check out during sex and have the out of body experience. Someone posted this in the OCD section and it was the first time I heard of it. So, the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD was actually right, except he didn't explain this to me. That jerk cost me many years of pain by not explaining what he meant to me! Instead he told me to go buy shoes! Anyway--

I discussed this with h and said I am willing to move on in our marriage if I can find some way to forgive him and recover from the trauma he has caused me.

But, every time I address something he did negative, he just counters back with something positive to defend himself. I ended up crying and fighting with him over it. This has happened time and time again, just like his inability to learn about what I want sexually. It's gaslighting to the point of madness!

I'm exhausted. I took something I think was an Ambien and slammed my head against the wall a couple times. I don't remember much else after that.

Meanwhile, my mom just broke both her wrists and I've been having to deal with that.

[eskielover]

I had a BF with a catamaran and I loved doing that with him and liked his boat friends, but he dumped me.

The interesting question would be what was it about you that made him dump you?

We all have issues with the other person we are with. There is NO PERFECT compatibility......it is just about how critical are those issues with the other person as to whether they are a "make it of break it" to the relationship.

I am willing to move on in our marriage if I can find some way to forgive him and recover from the trauma he has caused me.

.....

This has happened time and time again, just like his inability to learn about what I want sexually.

You define this as causing trauma?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by eskielover

The interesting question would be what was it about you that made him dump you?

He never said. He just never called me again. Then one of his friends came in and asked me out, saying that he had sent him, and I went on one date with the guy even though I had zero attraction to him and was pretty heart broken that he had dumped me.

I assumed that he was more interested in the girl with the double D's who was living in his apartment and was after him. I thought maybe he used me to make her jealous.

He is a facebook friend of mine now. He's been married for years, not to that girl, and has grown children.

We all have issues with the other person we are with. There is NO PERFECT compatibility......it is just about how critical are those issues with the other person as to whether they are a "make it of break it" to the relationship.

.....

You define this as causing trauma?

Yes. I am traumatized by my marriage worse than anything that ever happened to me.

[TishaBuv]

The one date with his friend, he took me to the racetrack. I bet on a dog I just knew was going to win, and I told it to this guy before we bet. The dog won and my bet was going to pay $40 (on a $1 or $2 bet), but I couldn't find the ticket. I lost the ticket! Later, I wondered if the guy stole the ticket from me and cashed it in. I didn't think much of him regardless and never saw him again, he never called me again, didn't like me either, I guess.

I reconnected with the catamaran guy because I searched him on FB and friend requested him out of the blue many years later. He was open to me. In fact he took me to lunch when he traveled on business to where I live. We never discussed why he dumped me even then.

He took a selfie of the two of us and said he's send me a copy, but he never did. Either it was a lousy photo or he decided that wasn't wise.

It turns out he had an exact experience like my father, where his very rich and powerful father used and abused him, gave him no money, and died tragically.

[TishaBuv]

Anyway, I'm just going down this path as a distraction. Husband came home from work. I told him I'm moving back out, yet again, because I can't stop crying and panicking from him. He just pleads with me not to. I feel so helpless and trapped, I took another Ambien to check out and I am dissociating. I will check out mentally.

I have to pull myself together later today for a meeting with a customer. It seems I am able to pull that off like a champ and nobody knows how I am, even with swollen eyes.

I think I'll remember the time I went to a party with catamaran guy. It was Halloween and it was a lingerie party. I wore this black lace witchy shear dress and thigh high boots. We danced in his friend's house that had all the furniture removed and had strobe lights and loud dance music. It was so much fun.

He had asked me to give a ride to the girl who was living with him and after him. I said no. Yes I am a B. So this girl took a taxi ride that cost a fortune to the party and wore a tiny camisol that barely covered her. She was seething with jealousy toward me and I didn't care-- he was mine!

[divine1966]

When you are moving out, where is that you are moving? And when you are coming back are you still paying for the other place? When I left my ex two years ago it took me over a month to locate appropriate apartment and it took forever to pack and move. Do you own second place? Can you just stay there?

Can you focus on other things like having fun together? Doing things? Not sex? I think you might need to accept that he neither wants or needs that much sex. Can you do just refocus your marriage?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TishaBuv]

I'm at another place that is pretty close to our house. I am very lucky to be able to have it.

Now it has no cable or internet, oh well.

I am way too angry at his arrogance and stupidity. There's no forgiving and there's no fixing.

I had us make a list of all the things I have been asking of him for all these years that has driven me to insanity. We both agreed that all it was were less than a dozen things. The same things for 20 years!

Then I blew up at how he didn't really care about me or he would have addressed his problems and not have made me cry and be hysterical over this. The bottom line is he just really thinks he's above me and he didn't have to change one hair for my well-being.

[eskielover]

Then I blew up at how he didn't really care about me or he would have addressed his problems and not have made me cry and be hysterical over this.

One thing I learned in therapy....NO ONE makes us do anything. It's how we respond to whatever touches our lives, but the other person doesn't make us respond the way we do. It's our own background & our own personalities that make us respond the way we do including anger.

Not saying that some response wouldn't be normal, but when we take it to an extreme, we are the only ones who have any control over our behavior.