Am I a bad mother for stepping back from my 22 year old daughter?

If she wants to support a gigolo, that's her business. You don't really have to step back or withdraw from her. You don't have to pretend to like this guy either. Just stop telling her what you think he should be doing. That's not for you to figure out. Be polite toward him. That's all you owe your daughter.

Don't, in any way, enable the situation . . . like by giving her money. Invite her for Sunday dinner now and then. If she brings the boyfriend, feed him too. Expect that he acts courteously toward you and expect nothing more. Don't ask what he's done about finding a job. That's his business. If he's sponging off your daughter, that's her business.

In your situation, my fervent prayer would be simply, "Dear Lord, please let her not get pregnant anytime soon." Hopefully, before that happens, she will get sick of this guy leeching off her. When she complains to you about this guy, you might say: "Sweetheart, I agree with you that he's not a good catch. I happen to think you could do better for yourself. But, if you want to hang on to him, that's up to you."

A few things come to mind. The bum she is living with probably gives her good feelings coupled with low expectations. She likely feels capable and in control with him.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the effect having an alcoholic (and absent) father had on your daughter. The fact that she now has a resident, omni-present boyfriend who is dependent on her for his support, says a lot.

I agree with Rose for the most part. If you need to interact with this man, be polite and nothing more. But I would also suggest you not in any way encourage your daughter to take on more debt: schools are far too quick to encourage young people to take on massive debt. This is a mistake in my opinion. So if you had the chance to encourage your daughter one way or the other, I'd suggest the other. Example: Daughter says, "I don't know whether to take out another school loan, or to extend my education a year by going part time." If my daughter said that to me, I'd say: "I would extend my education; a year goes by quickly, a debt can take many years to pay off." I think that is appropriate parenting; you are offering wisdom that your daughter, because of her developmental stage, does not yet have. Legally she is an adult; but her brain, and her judgment, are still developing, believe it or not, until she is about 25 or so.

If it comes to pass that she decides she is done supporting a bum, you could be ready with information and an offer for a happy and successful transition back to your home for the time it takes her to finish school near you: She could live with you for no or reduced rent and attend the XYZ school close to you (assuming this is possible), for example. I would not offer a place for him; if she wants to move back and he is part of the deal, then he has to find his own place to live.

One last thought. "Active listening" can sound a lot like an interrogation, and is especially dependent on tone of voice. "You're angry he doesn't do the dishes!" You're ANGRY he doesn't do the dishes?!?!? YOU'RE angry HE doesn't do the dishes??!?! I much prefer thoughtful listening; which is a whole lot more listening and a whole lot less parroting what the speaker says. "I'm so angry Lazy Larry doesn't do the dishes!" (silence. Let her sentence lie there and let her think about it.) Only if she asks for advice do you comment. "What should I do?!?!" Answer: "Paper plates, eating out, equitable division of duties--there are lots of solutions to problems, dear."

I'd also buy and send her a copy of Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's very illuminating and she can pick and choose what she takes from it.

I wish you and your dear daughter the very best.

If she asks you to let her and boyfriend come live in your house, the answer should be a firm "No."

I am so glad to hear it and never doubted it. I just couldn't figure out why someone suggest you go to al anon when you already said that none of the involved parties have the issue. Seems very non sequential or projecting.


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You are not a bad mother, Always.

I have a son, and I remember having to NOT criticize his girlfriends along the way. I held my breathe hoping he'd come to see that "she" was not right for him. Criticizing his girlfriend would only have made him more determined to see her. Thankfully, he would finally figure out a girl was not for him, on his own, and move on. He finally met someone who was a great match. They married when my son was 29. They have a nine year old girl and a 3 year old son.

I think your daughter will come to the proper conclusion about "him" as my son did, on her own. They have to think it is their idea. This is where your raising will begin to show. I can't tell you the number of times my son has shared "his idea", and I hear words I told him during his upbringing repeated back to me. I don't mention it to him. I don't care who gets credit! I just am happy to know that he really was listening all those years.

I'm way past the stage where you are today (son is 40) and I think that the mother/daughter relationship may be more complicated than the mother/son relationship, IDK. I will say this, I waited too long to "cut the apron strings" and helped my son financially. That turned into some resentment from my son in later years because I did not make him struggle when he was at the age where he should have been learning those lessons. Hindsight is 20/20, but wish I would have known that when he was 22.

It is very difficult when she is poisoning your mind about this guy and probably doesn't even realize it. I had this happen. My suggestion would be to tell you that it does make you not like him when she tells you these things. 22 is still very young. Hopefully things will get better as she matures.
I'd probably be most worried about a pregnancy at this point, but no doubt, you'll get blasted if you mention this subject.
Is there another trusted adult in her life that you can have help you?
I agree with Bill3's suggestions, they are right on. Good luck and big hug!

You are making a problem that is your daughter's boyfriend's problem, your problem.

It is not even clear to me that your daughter has a problem. She 'blows money'? What does that mean? She is in college. That's not the stage in your life where you save up money. And even if she has a money problem, if it is her money and if it doesn't get out of hand, what you can actually do is limited.

Now, if you are paying for all her expenses, you might have a say. But her 'wasting money', that's just your judgment. Maybe it is an investment. Maybe she is getting important life experiences partying, traveling, or whatever she is doing with her money.

As for her BF, why withhold approval? It's not how you influence who she picks to out to start a relationship. Parent's have a huge effect on how their children pick their spouses, but they don't do any of that by approving or disapproving. You did that by learning her what good partner qualities are from the nature of the relationship you and your husband have.

Don't know where the the daughter using drugs and being almost pregnant come from. But maybe thatś just culture difference.

As for the argument that she cannot possibly even drink alcohol, my parents are both alcoholics. One a functional one, the other a totally dysfunctional one. As a teenager, I used to be the only one not drinking, and I was able to do this because I was too autistic to be affected by this thing called peer pressure. Now that I am older, I have 'secretly' drunk alcohol, just to mellow stress away and 'help relax', even though I despite alcohol.

I'd say it goes the other way. If a parent is alcoholic, the child is more likely to be. Both because of genetic reasons as for nuture reasons.

You've come to a very good conclusion. You cannot live her life for her or make her decisions for her.

It may be her destiny to make some big mistakes and learn some hard lessons in the hardest way. Respect that. Then the bond will survive between you. When she has learned what life will teach her, she will still be glad of a mother.