I just don't know if I'll get over this

My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. We were together 5 years. I feel so used and taken advantage of and I was made to feel like I was the reason the relationship ended. He "didn't feel like I loved him anymore." "My face didn't light up when I saw him like it did in the beginning." "We don't have a bond/emotional connection like we did in the beginning."

We broke up for the same reason 2 years ago. We got back together after a month and everything was great and just like it was in the beginning. But with some time, job and financial issues on his part, and lack of quality time together, things weren't as exciting as in the beginning. We had gotten comfortable with each other etc. We realized there were some issues in our relationship and I thought we were both willing to put in the effort and work on things. I was there for him through all his struggles...depression, chronic health issues, financial, you name it. And this is what I get in return?

I was his longest relationship. Before me he was engaged. They were both in the navy. He was on a submarine doing a mission when she emailed him and broke off the engagement. He was devastated.

A couple weeks before he left he was acting distant and I knew what was coming based on the breakup 2 years before. He wouldn't talk to me. He would occupy his time with his hobbies to avoid me. All the while still telling me he loved me. He even told me he wasn't planning on leaving. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and just about snapped. He said he thought it would be best if he got his stuff and left. He came by the house a couple days later while I was at work and got his things and was gone.

I'm shattered. I'm a mess. I feel empty, alone, lost, unwanted. I feel like I'll never find anyone else. I'm 36 and I had wanted to be married and have a family. I don't think that's in the cards for me. Why do I have this guy on a pedestal?? He's selfish, closed off, has no money, has trouble keeping a job, has shunned his family, impulsive, but he's so good looking. That gets me every time. I know I can't have a relationship just because someone is good looking. Despite all his flaws I do love him. But what's my hangup on the looks??

I think I have attachment issues. My relationship before this one was 12 years. I fell out of love with him and continued to stay with him for years for fear of being alone. I'd never been alone. I went from living at home, to college where I met him and we started dating about 6 months after i started college. I stayed at his apartment all the time and a couple years later we moved in together. I knew I wasn't happy in that relationship. I just didn't want to hurt him and I was scared and didn't know how to express to him what I was feeling because even though I wasn't in love with him, the thought of being alone was way more terrifying to me than staying with a man I didn't love. We got along just fine but there was nothing more than friendship there...at least for me.

So here I am in this most current mess. I can't sleep, I'm losing weight, I feel like I'm going insane thinking about him, the what if's, the why's, the what could I/should I have done differently. Everything reminds me of him

I am SO absolutely sorry you are going through all of this. You aren't the only person who is hung up on the looks, when I wasn't speaking with my current friend for a month, I kept looking at his pictures (torturing myself really)...and it was his eyes that I couldn't stop looking at. And asking myself...why? I still can't explain it.
Just know that this is grief, and it is very hard, broken hearts are real. 10 years ago I went through the worst one I had ever experienced...I would be lying if I said I was over that, it took a LONG time to get ok with losing him. But he was the love of my life and I won't ever get 'over' him. I find life still moves on around us and we do eventually find our way back into that flow in some form or fashion.
I can only offer you big virtual hugs and the knowledge that you aren't alone, even if it feels that way.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and I can sincerely say I know exactly where you are coming from, my ex fiance' came to me a month ago one week before our 7 year anniversary and told me she thought it would be best if I left, because she had lost herself, and felt like we had grown apart and like she had grown away from me. and didn't feel like she could work on her and finding herself with me there. and I didn't fit into her equation anymore. I had no idea she felt this way, I thought things were fine, she had been telling me in texts how much she loved me and missed and wanted to be home with me while she was at work during the day, and she'd tell me while she was with me how much she loved me, we were affectionate, and intimate...nothing pointed toward her feeling this way, but she told me she had felt that way for months and months....so it came as a huge blow to me..

I am still having a very hard time dealing with it, the grief is still very strong, I think it will take a very long time for me to get over it, if I ever do. not necessarily get over it, but for it to ease up.... I don't know that I will ever open my heart to anyone and trust again, like I did with her...She is the love of my life, I still love her unconditionally and I always will..but I have had to accept she doesn't want to be with me and I am going to have to accept that as hard as it might be.

I'm sorry that you know exactly the kind of pain I am experiencing. It's really the worst. Time seems to go so slowly. I'm still in the house we shared and I just keep thinking I'll see him pull up into his spot one day. Everything reminds me of him. My heart literally hurts. He was the love of my life too. I'll never get over him though I'm sure time will help lessen the pain.

Xray,

Keep working through the feelings. Cry. Get some exercise. Fill your mind up with healing materials.

You can make it. You will love again. You will heal.

Do you have a therapist?

-Lele

You have given me some good advice recently and even provided some links to investigate and I appreciate that very much.

I know I have to help myself but I just feel like I can't. I want to be depressed and miserable and feel sad and sorry for myself. Why would anyone choose to be like this?

I am better when I'm around my friends and family and can actually feel somewhat happy (though I feel guilty for feeling that way for some reason) and interact with them. But as soon as I'm all alone in that house we shared I get depressed. Just seeing the house makes me upset and walking through the door is even worse. I have the door closed to one of the bedroom's he used and to the bathroom he used and I walk past that every single day trying to not notice them. My thoughts and emotions and actions confuse me.

I start seeing a therapist next week and it can't get here soon enough.

I still want him back. He's always on my mind. Every song, every place we've been together, every movie or TV show, etc are reminders.

I'm sure living in the house the two of you shared makes it harder, In my case, my ex made me leave, the house we shared, and I wasn't given any options I had to move 900 miles away and had to move in with my parents, couldn't afford a place of my own, Im on disability, moved in unfortunately with a controlling, mentally and emotionally abusive mother, who has been that way my entire life, so it makes my dealing with my break up that much harder... I wish I was living alone I think I could deal with all this much easier, My mother is constantly making comments about my ex, calling her names, saying bad things about her, all that, regardless, If I did get my heart broken, I don't hate her, I still lover her, and I don't want to hear all that and it makes things so much harder...and its none of her business, I'm a grown adult, Im 49 years old...let me deal how I want to deal...In my time...I completely understand.

Thank you for understanding. I'm sorry you are hurting too. And I know what you mean about your mom saying those things about your ex. My dad, while he means well, was doing the same thing. It made things worse and like you I don't hate my ex, in fact I'm still in love with him and hearing someone say such nasty things about him just made me want to pull away from my dad. He knows how it made me feel and has agreed to not talk about my ex unless I bring it up.

I think being in the house makes it harder for sure. I'm actively looking for a new place, but I've basically got it made there. My mom and step dad own it and the rent is cheap. If I move I'd be paying a lot more in rent and probably end up in apartment vs a house.

I'm sure there is a light at the end of this tunnel for us eventually. But I'm honestly scared to ever date or love again. I feel like I'll just be miserable and alone the rest of my life

The fear of being alone exacerbates your grief exponentially.


If you can open your mind to the fact that being single is not the worst thing in the world, and that sometimes its actually a good thing to learn how to be alone, that being alone doesn't have to equal abject misery...Then maybe your fear will dissipate and the grief wont feel so paralyzing, and you wont be driven by desperation.


You can love again, that's if you even want to. But you have to get through this part of it first. Unfortunately we don't get to skip certain steps.


And as horrible as break ups are, they are survivable, part of getting to that point is distress tolerance, experiencing your feelings and allowing them to be, because they are valid. Grief is complicated, especially the type where there's no death involved, because the lack of finality leads to all sorts of windows being left open to our psyche.

I am sorry you have to go through this. I think the best way to deal with the break up is to pour some cold water over it and reboot your life.

The first step would be to throw away everything around you that reminds you of him, change your phone number and clean up your social media connections.

You should consider enrolling in some classes (gym, language, dance or anything else you fancy) and pack your schedule with activities.

See a therapist.

Reach out to your parents and seek help. You should have some outlet to vent your feelings. It's OK to cry.

If you have close friends, maybe you should plan on a holiday.

Best wishes!