Something Bad Is Happening Now

I think your siblings also sound narcissistic for not standing up for you! The whole thing would make most people very angry. Yes I think I was right when I said "your anger is making you sick." To bad it sounds like they all live in the same city with you. Doesn't Florida sound nice right now? Maybe you and H can retire here.

I am 45 mins away from mom. One sis is 5 hours away. And the other is as far away as she can get. I have taken the brunt of everything because I am the baby and because I live so close.

My mother sent me to a private university, then 2.5 years into it told me the money ran out and I should come home and work in their store. She did that because I was struggling at college with a boyfriend relationship and didn't have a clear path of a career goal. But I loved what I was doing in Communications and was great at it. I wanted to pursue it i just wasn't clear how. And also my professor made a sexual move on me which freaked me out.

So the years following I worked for them and lived at home. She gave me lots of coaching to find a husband who could support me.

At 26 I found him.

I know that part of her motivation for that was to have her ideals fulfilled through me. She still took everything I did and ruined it for me. Because she always had to be in control.

This is still going on to the bitter end.

Using me was her secret plan.

My sisters were lost causes to her. Couldn't be groomed. Too 'stupid' to play the game. She tells them their lives are shyt. Even wrote a book about it!

She treated me like her favorite only to use me.

There was no reward in the end, no trust, no respect.

Tisha, have you considered going 'no contact?' This woman is very toxic to you. I know there's the whole 'mother' thing, but she's abusive to you, and you shouldn't have to allow someone in your life who is abusive.

I get that she may be getting older, but it was her job to prepare for retirement. Besides, even if you do end up having to 'care' for her, that can mean putting her in a home and maintaining the no contact.

I had to cut my own mother off for a while, I thought it was going to be forever but eventually we did reconcile. Now I have had to cut offf my father. Both my parents were toxic and abusive, but my mother, to her credit, in her late 50s and 60s finally admitted her n issues and sought help. My dad, well, that may never be repaired but I have made peace with it.

Good luck,
Seesaw

I guess I'm no contact now.

Tisha--This is much worse than I realized. You are a very strong person not to be more broken down than you seem to be on this forum. Given your history, I now understand how she manages to draw you back in. I wish I could go spit on her right now. I hope that sentiment doesn't make you mad. You have said that you understand she is mentally ill. And she is old. You are going to have to deal with your legitimate anger towards this woman for the rest of your life. I hope she has the decency to apologize to you on her deathbed but because she is mentally ill, I guess you can't count on that.
I hope I am not being to triggering. I am sorry that you are in so much pain.

I'm sorry if I'm triggering the whole forum. I'm sure others have had it much worse and they can't even bring themselves to talk about it.

I could have handled this better without the anger. But I still would have told her the same about me ending my involvement and how she has to make her own tough choices, as she is NEVER living with me.

See her mother lived with her the final years of her life. My mother has made countless comments about how that is the right thing to do, so I knew it was coming where I was going to be the one who was expected to take her in.

Although she never outright said it, in fact she lied saying just the opposite, I knew this day was coming.

Si I jumped the gun and had this out with her now at this last betrayal she just pulled on me.

It's so sad to not even be able to trust your own parent.

That fact that you are being so open about it is going to help people. Sometimes people gets abused for years and years and aren't aware of what is happening and how it effects them. Some might see your story and realize that some of their problems are caused by others. Sometimes things that are triggering help us grow.
My anger ruined me too. I was very angry when I made my attempt. I was angry because I was broken down and over my head. Anger is a sign we need to seek help and/or change our lives.
As for your mother helping her mother--times have changed. And I wonder if you mother helped her mother on her own terms to some extent (who knows). Offering to help her apply for medicaid was not an unreasonable way to handle it. It is hard to help people who are hard headed, manipulative (liars) and mean. It sounds like you have done a lot for her throughout your life.
I am sorry you are going through this--of course you are sad. All of our actions have consequences. All that matters is that you work to overcome it and manage to find peace. I know you are a very kind person. It sounds like you outclass her in that regard. And mostly you are just so cool!!

I don't think you are triggering anyone. This is a hard relationship you are dealing with if you can't come to us for support, then where can you turn?

The anger has left me now and I just feel sorry for her. I gave her what she wanted for now. That's all she's getting from here on. It's not that I am a cold, uncaring, selfish, horrible daughter. It's that she is so toxic that she's just impossible to try to help or to even be around. So, I think I'll go visit her today and make peace, if she'll have peace. If she is going to hate and reject me because I put my foot down about the no more money and never living with me, then that's her choice. She just doesn't want to be responsible for herself and have to do what she has to do because she did it to herself. She can't just lie and manipulate me. But I can calmly keep my boundaries and still try to offer some relationship.

The no contact thing is really painful. I at least need to try. I am not really believing this will work. IDK...

Think CBT.

You are very sweet! Can you call instead of driving? (you said it was 45 min away I think) I am hoping that you will spend time taking care of you and just you for a while. Enjoy the peaceful feeling you have for a few days.

The whole fight was stupid and unnecessary. She didn't like that I said I can't stand to walk into her apartment because it smells so horrible. That's why she turned on me and created this rift. She just wanted to hurt me for hurting her. That's how her disordered mind works. I didn't say the apartment smelled to hurt her. It wreaks so bad, I want to vomit!

I yelled at her over her spewing her venom at me because I couldn't stand to hear it. So what? It's not the first time.

Yes she manipulated for her selfish reasons. Yes she ruined so many nice things I tried to do because she is a jealous control freak.

Yes she got her way to nearly the very end. I cut her off now because the rest of my life and my sanity is more important to me than further giving in to this 80 year old witch.

My mother also did countless nice things, truly loves me in her own way. She would definitely be diagnosed with something if she ever would speak to a t. I can't beat up on a sick, old lady. I have to be the bigger one. I always had to be the bigger one.

She'll act like nothing happened anyway.

She got this last win and then she's cut off. All the things she laid into me about, i just have to let go, and that sets me free.

She acted like nothing happened. She acted like I hadn't given her the money, like it never even happened.

Is she for real?

Is she the most fabulous manipulator in the whole wide world?

She pretends she is too sick and hysterical to even know what she's doing or saying, yet she creates absolute war to get her way.

Then she pretends nothing ever happened.

If I come on here again, getting emotional about what these few people do to torment me, please direct my attention to this thread.

I have learned my lesson. There is no need to fall into their trap and let them hurt me ever again. It's all just a show!

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'

"You know what's best." That's what I keep saying to mom every time I approach something important and factual that she needs to do to survive and she doesn't want to hear it, discuss it, deal with it, tells me I'm wrong.

CBT keep telling me to dispel the faulty thinking and don't let her trigger me. I already made it clear I am not her fall back plan. Holding firm.

I'll stop trying to help her help herself, and when she is inevitably pushed into wherever with nothing left, I'll say "You know what's best!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh eeeeeeeeeeee! Smashes head against wall...

My aunt just admitted to me that my mom says she doesn't understand why I don't support her.

So my suspicions are true. I was her devious, unrealistic plan all along, which she lied to my face about.

Tish, I am so very sorry for all yo have gone through. I haven't experienced anything so first hand as this myself. But I did watch my own mother go through it with hers.
It broke my heart to watch her lay herself open to this abuse over and over in the hope of some kind of closure.

Firstly,you will never get what you need from a narcissistic personality. She will never say sorry or admit she was wrong.

I know this because even on the day she died my gran blamed everyone else. With her final breaths she condemned my mother to a lifetime of mental anguish because she would not tell the truth even at the very end.

Please don't do this to yourself. My mum has never been the same, she was the baby too,her brother and sister,like yours had long absolved themselves of any part in the chaos,except if it suited them.
My mother lives burdened everyday somehow wondering how she couldn't make this woman see the truth of it.She wanted answers for the cruelty she had suffered over her entire life.
And ally grandmother did was exclaim how we had all ruined her life.

You won't find what you need from this woman.I am so very sorry.

Please take care of yourself for your boys. I know my mum didn't mean to break my heart but it happened anyway. We had wonderful relationship for the most part.
But she still bears the scars from the final days she spent in her mother's company.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone. For your own sanity don't Hope for her to suddenly need to put things right before the end.

Mom denied ever saying that to my aunt. Whatever...I'll let it go.

I visited with her today and all was fine.

But then some new, awful, bad luck drama just happened. It never ends.

My adrenaline never stops pumping. I can never relax because the drama never stops.

Now we have a mystery to solve and something valuable disappeared. It is so strange, it makes me feel like there are supernatural forces at work.

Just too strange.

Gave her the necklace today. Said I wanted nothing more to do with any of their issues. Made her and dad sign the note how the loan was not repaid and the collateral was returned anyway. The thanks I got was being called every name she could scream at me.

I said "You defaulted on the loan". She screamed "Excuse me?". Dad reminded her that they had not paid me back any of the money and she is demanding back the necklace that was collateral.

"You little ******, What kind of daughter makes a mother sign a note?" (She conveniently forgets and accuses me of stealing when I am trying to help, said she'd sue me)

She said my h put me up to it, implying that I am too stupid to do this on my own. She said she is tired of my temper tantrums, while she was having a temper tantrum.
The scene was right in front of my aunt.

I said 'no more abuse' and washed my hands of them.

Sick inside, guts tied in knots. How I wish I could run away. I don't care what she tells the whole family about me, or what they think of me.

I let her have her last domination over me, take her last stab.

Wait, your dad is still alive? Where is he during all this crap?

My father died when I was 12. My mom married my step dad the next year. The man is a saint who puts up with my mom, takes so much abuse from her, but she doesn't let him have any say.

And now my aunt saw the fire breathing dragon in action today. I love how she is now exposed!

So you gave them a loan, and took a necklace as collateral, and then gave the necklace back because mom was freaking out and throwing a temper tantrum, but made them sign a paper that they had not repaid the loan yet?

When they make payments do you give them a receipt?

I'm just trying to make sure I understand what has just happened correctly.

You didn't do anything wrong, if I understand correctly.

I rented an apartment from a friend a couple of years ago. And he wanted payment in cash because of a personal finance issue he was having. But even though we were friends, I always made him write me a receipt in case there was any issue some day between the two of us. (And there was, and thank goodness I had receipts. Guy turned into a psycho.)

This is exactly why you don't mix business and family or friends. But you had every right to make them sign a note. Just like they have every right to ask for a receipt when they make a payment (if they ever do). Just remember it's her disordered thinking with no boundaries that makes her that way. You are not doing anything wrong.

You keep getting sucked back into her drama. What happened to the plan to go no contact and just never talk to her again? No one could really blame you.

Seesaw

My mom was poor. She married my father at 18. His father was rich. They thought his father was going to take care of them, but he didn't. He used my father as an employee, taking advantage of him instead. They kissed his butt, thinking he would leave them an inheritance. When he died, he didn't leave my father anything. My father died two years later.

My mother never got past this, never stopped venting about this.

This is really hard to explain. I'm going to post several little posts about it, or Ill get timed out.

She met and married my step dad right away. He was just a nice, southern gentleman, musician, with no money. She briefly enjoyed sleeping all day and lounging all night with him while I was a young teenager.

The music business dried up, so they bought into a jewelry store. That was the end of their good marriage. They struggled through the store for ten years until they got put out of business due to the economy and partly their bad business practices.

They didn't fund their retirement. That's when my dad bought her the necklace, which she wore every day, never took off, a very lovely designer piece.

When they closed the store, my dad got a Microsoft certification, but never got a job. My mom went to work for major jewelry stores and made good money. Still, no saving per se.