[Nonbipolarguy]

I am 30 years old and met a girl (who is bipolar) 3 years ago. We lived in New York City. The relationship began by us going out on a couple of dates. Things were well for the first 4 weeks or so. She slept with me quite early in the relationship - on second date. I didn't think anything at the time negatively about this. Around week 5 or so I noticed her getting very frustrated and upset with me about small things. She would get much more mad and angry than a "normal" girl would get wihr me only a few weeks into a new relationship. I sarcastically said one day "you're acting bipolar"- this is when she told me she was bipolar and her father is bipolar as well. At this time I made a decision that I wouldn't let myself get into a serious relationship with her. I did not voice this to her though. We continued to see each other and hook up but the traditional dates stopped. We basically were hooking up and we're friends HOWEVER she very strongly waned to date me. She would get frustrated and say she wanted to be in a relationship with me and I would tell her I was not ready for a relationship. We went on like this for about a year. Always staying in touch with one another- texting and talking all the time. Great connection. But me resisting the relationship because of the bipolar state.

One year into this relationship I moved to Florida for a job. She was devistated. But we stayed in touch. We text almost every day. Now, today, we are 3 years into this relationship. Two years of being apart and texting and taking all the time. Not dating - just a real connection. I have visited her twice in the two years I've been gone. She's dated other people- but I have not. She has been telling me for about two years that she loves me and that I'm her soul mate, etc. but we're not dating. I always say that's inappropriate to say but she says she doesn't care and that it's the truth and she is going to say it.

I now realize that I'm falling in love with her. Our connection is so real. BUT there are a couple of small things that I feel are off and I don't know if it's a bad idea to fall in love with a bipolar partner. Her sex drive gets very strong at times when she is "manic". She tells me about sexual encounters- she will just find someone a sleep with them for like two days. It's not normal. She will disappear and not answer her phone for a day or so sometimes. It's always after she's out partying in the city at njfht and then disappears the following day.

I've opened up to her about my feelings in the last month. She wants me to move back to New York so we can start a relationship. She tells me that she will stop the sexual encounters if she's with me in a relationship with me living there.

I'm a normal guy who has tremendous capacity to love. I just don't want to get hurt. I'm not familiar with how the bipolar mind operates. I just need genuine advice on how a bipolar mind works and if I can trust her. I love this girl but I can turn away at this point if I really should before it's too late.

FYI her medication that she takes is ability with lamictal. She also has vyvance I'm not sure the frequency that she takes that.

[Talthybius]

I feel that if you wanted to try and have a normal healthy 'boring' relationship with her, you went off the track already. I assume with 'hooking up' you mean like a sex-date.

You were apart, didn't see each other a lot. She dated other people. When together you explored sexuality. And you both made a conscious effort not to get too emotional involved? At least you did.
It seems to me that this set a lot of precedent and patterns that will make it even more difficult for her to settle into a more boring, traditional routine.

You have known each other quite a long time. You haven't become a team. You say you have a real connection. But at the same time you say you deliberately kept distance/avoided it from becoming a real relationship. And that dates were about sex, not emotional bonding. And you haven't been honest with her, and she probably not with you.

I guess that's quite a lot of bad signs you bring up. Now relationships aren't perfect. But if this is going to work, it sounds like it will be really difficult, filled with drama, lot's of highs and lows.

[Crazy Hitch]

Be very wary of bipolar people. They're awful! How right you were to tell yourself the moment that she disclosed to you she's bipolar that you'd never get into a serious relationship with her. Run for the hills who needs to be dating someone with mental health issues.

And as for your question on how the bipolar mind works? Those bipolar people are crazy!!!!


And on a serious note.

I think you're the one with the problem here. You're stereotyping her based on her diagnosis. So what if she's slept with people whilst manic. You two weren't in a serious relationship. Doesn't mean she's going to sleep around if you two get together.

You should get off your high and mighty horse and see her for the PERSON that she is, not the label.

[Trippin2.0]

Amen CH!


Wow, I'm going to try and respond as nicely as I can because your entire post has my back up against the wall... It's so filled with fear and stigma its unreal.


You're worried about getting cheated on, fair enough.


Ever wonder how many of us bipolar peeps have been completely faithful and explored our manic sexuality with our partners (alone), only for them to sleep around behind OUR backs???


Yep. I doubt you've even thought that demographic exists... And yet here we are. My ex bf routinely slept with my "friends".


But maybe I deserved it because I'm the crazy bipolar gf?

Idk, I'm not sure how this logic works....


If you're going to dismiss this girl based purely on the fact that she has a mental illness (regardless of who she is and what kind of person she is aside from her illness) then that's your prerogative, but please don't pretend its because this relationship has a higher potential to blow up in your face. It's because the girl according to you, is abnormal.


The least you could've done was give her the benefit of the doubt BEFORE deciding she was untrustworthy. Especially since she was so upfront about everything with u.


Instead you string her along, use her for a play thing to satisfy your sexual needs and justify it on the basis that she has bipolar.


IMO, you are the more damaging component to any potential relationship with this girl.

[Talthybius]

I think those two responses are way off-base and unfair.

This is a tough topic. I respect your honesty that you put up a wall the moment she told you she's bipolar. I hope you were honest with her too and not just using the relationship as a booty call. Be honest with her. She is telling you about her hookups so she is being partially honest, this much we know. Bipolar people can be and usually are absolutely wonderful. You do need to think about the possible care she may require and your own ability to commit to this person. But this goes for all serious relationships. Any person you love could get a traumatic brain injury and be changed and would need help from time to time. It takes special people to truly love no matter what. You need to ask yourself if you're one of those people before taking another step in this relationship ((hugs)))

[seesaw]

You point blank said that when she told you she was bipolar that you decided you would not get into a serious relationship with her, yet you did not tell her this, and yet you continued to see her and have sex with her while she voiced her desire for something more. Also, you say that she slept with you kind of early, on the second date...do you have no responsibility in that? You slept with her on the 2nd date too. YOu have control over your own body and saying no if it's too early, but you didn't.

I'm calling it like I see it: you led this girl on. The least you could have done is from the outset say, I only want a sexual relationship, I will never date you or be interested romantically. And let her decide if she could live with that.

You say you have this strong connection, but I'm sorry, I feel like you've acted very poorly towards her. I agree that you are stereotyping her as others have commented.

If you all falling for her, you need to see her for who she is, not for her disorder. And as others have said, her sexual escapades are kind of irrelevant to you because you aren't in a relationship with her. I don't find sleeping with a guy for a couple of days and then dropping him to be abnormal. I did that in my 20s all the time, and I'm not bipolar. And men do that to women frequently and they don't get labeled bipolar for it.

I don't mean to be mean to you, but I really think you need to re-examine your own actions in this relationship and situation.

Good luck,
seesaw

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Amen CH!



Ever wonder how many of us bipolar peeps have been completely faithful and explored our manic sexuality with our partners (alone), only for them to sleep around behind OUR backs???

[divine1966]

We all have freedom of choice who to date. If you don't want to date people with MI it is perfectly fine.

Then why not just end it right there rather than leading them on. So people with BP are good enough for sex but not so much for relationships. Not cool.

As about single people having sex, it's no big deal. I am upstanding citizen middle age rather boring lol married professional woman with NO mental illness of any kind yet in my younger SINGLE years I had more sex partners than I can remember. So what.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by seesaw

You point blank said that when she told you she was bipolar that you decided you would not get into a serious relationship with her, yet you did not tell her this, and yet you continued to see her and have sex with her while she voiced her desire for something more. Also, you say that she slept with you kind of early, on the second date...do you have no responsibility in that? You slept with her on the 2nd date too. YOu have control over your own body and saying no if it's too early, but you didn't.

I'm calling it like I see it: you led this girl on. The least you could have done is from the outset say, I only want a sexual relationship, I will never date you or be interested romantically. And let her decide if she could live with that.

You say you have this strong connection, but I'm sorry, I feel like you've acted very poorly towards her. I agree that you are stereotyping her as others have commented.

I couldn't have said that better.

This girl didn't do anything wrong. You judged her early, decided not to tell her that you were not interested in a relationship for a while.... And you're judging her for sleeping around. When she is single.

Talthy, I disagree with you - there is nothing in the OP to indicate that this girl hasn't been honest with him. The opposite in fact- when he used stigma to insult her when she was angry, she told him flat out that she has bipolar. That is being honest. The only dishonesty we have seen has been from the OP.

And you're saying that it might be hard for her to settle into a "boring traditional routine"? Based on her behaving like plenty of young people by having one night stands? Who is to say she doesn't want a "boring traditional" relationship? That is quite the assumption that is feeding in to the OPs stereotypes.

I have bipolar. I am not crazy. In fact I'm one of the most level-headed people I know. I am a very monogamous person- even when hypomanic. So making implications that it is hard to settle into a "boring traditional" relationship is just plain insulting. She isn't behaving out of the norm here, at all. Not for this generation.

The only abnormal behaviour in the OP is the fact that the OP made an extreme judgement, was not honest about his intentions, led her on so that he could continue having sex when she wanted a relationship, and views her sex life as abnormal.

[PumpkinPieHead]

I'm curious to see if this guy even comes back.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

I think those two responses are way off-base and unfair.

I don't, I think there is much truth being told in those posts. Honestly, who do you know who dreams of falling in love with a bipolar person? Nobody. It's a burden for the other person (not only the person suffering from the disease).

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I don't, I think there is much truth being told in those posts. Honestly, who do you know who dreams of falling in love with a bipolar person? Nobody. It's a burden for the other person (not only the person suffering from the disease).

I think he was referring to those of us responding in dissent.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I don't, I think there is much truth being told in those posts. Honestly, who do you know who dreams of falling in love with a bipolar person? Nobody. It's a burden for the other person (not only the person suffering from the disease).

With all due respect, I am NOT a burden.

I think people are internalizing and taking this situation personally which is understandable. I can be a burden at times but so can anyone really. If someone loves us they do not see the burden but outsiders often can. All feelings are valid here including the OP's,

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I don't, I think there is much truth being told in those posts. Honestly, who do you know who dreams of falling in love with a bipolar person? Nobody. It's a burden for the other person (not only the person suffering from the disease).

I am NOT a burden to my husband or anyone.

I am not sure why you would say that falling in love with someone who has Bipolar is any different than falling in love with anyone ?!?

I find it insulting that you said .....who would dream of falling in love with a Bipolar person.

I am not sure what brought you to PC... But tossing Stigma around by your comments is rather rude .....unless you are issueless.

Everyone has issues MI or not.

I think the OP is asking honest legitimate questions and it's better he be honest and ask them now than to wait until he committed to this person. I have BiPolar (according to doctors) and my illness could scare off anyone. My husband didn't know I had bipolar when we married but he did know about all issues I was aware of and how they effected me. Not everyone with bipolar is a burden to everyone....but to some people we would be and its rather brave for the OP to admit he has these concerns.

[seesaw]

I think it's fine to admit he has these concerns but so far, according to his own account, he has been the one to show questionable behavior, not the girl.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I think people are internalizing and taking this situation personally which is understandable. I can be a burden at times but so can anyone really. If someone loves us they do not see the burden but outsiders often can. All feelings are valid here including the OP's,

Yep, I'm taking it personally. Why? Because it's stigma and there has been support for that stigma shown in this thread, beyond the OP, that are in agreement with the stigma.

I take that personally. I do not deserve to have labels like untrustworthy, a burden, being abnormal, having trouble with a traditional relationship, etc being said.

The girl the OP is talking about has not done to deserve having her honesty and trust questioned. She has not demonstrated anything that would make her a burden. She has not demonstrated anything showing that she doesn't want a traditional relationship.

In fact what we see of her in the OP is the opposite. She has been honest with him. She is responsible for herself and not a burden. She has consistently expressed wanting a relationship with the OP.

And yet people are still condoning the questioning of her honesty and trustworthiness, and are concerned for the OP being hurt when he is the only one of the two to do anything hurtful.

That is why I am taking it personally. The behaviour and personality of this woman (from the OP!) shows her to be the exact opposite of what the OP fears, and various posters have been agreeing with his fears and their validity.

By that logic, it means that simply having bipolar makes someone untrustworthy, a burden, and not capable of commited relationships. I am none of those things and it isn't something I'm willing to just sit around and let slide - based on the information the OP has provided for us it is the woman who should be having our sympathies as the OP has been in the wrong.

[seesaw]

Someone shut this thread down. It's too inflammatory.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Yep, I'm taking it personally. Why? Because it's stigma and there has been support for that stigma shown in this thread, beyond the OP, that are in agreement with the stigma.

I take that personally. I do not deserve to have labels like untrustworthy, a burden, being abnormal, having trouble with a traditional relationship, etc being said.

The girl the OP is talking about has not done to deserve having her honesty and trust questioned. She has not demonstrated anything that would make her a burden. She has not demonstrated anything showing that she doesn't want a traditional relationship.

In fact what we see of her in the OP is the opposite. She has been honest with him. She is responsible for herself and not a burden. She has consistently expressed wanting a relationship with the OP.

And yet people are still condoning the questioning of her honesty and trustworthiness, and are concerned for the OP being hurt when he is the only one of the two to do anything hurtful.

That is why I am taking it personally. The behaviour and personality of this woman (from the OP!) shows her to be the exact opposite of what the OP fears, and various posters have been agreeing with his fears and their validity.

By that logic, it means that simply having bipolar makes someone untrustworthy, a burden, and not capable of commited relationships. I am none of those things and it isn't something I'm willing to just sit around and let slide - based on the information the OP has provided for us it is the woman who should be having our sympathies as the OP has been in the wrong.

I respect your opinion but see things differently (what else is new). The op sounds like he was honest with this girl and told her he didn't want a serious relationship. Everyone has a right to things they can and cannot accept in a relationship and everyone deserves the right to learn and grow in a supportive environment.

[seesaw]

Elsa, he said in his original.post that he did not tell her that he would never have a relationship with her even though that's what he thought. He only told her that he wasn't ready.

[A Red Panda]

He did not initially say anything to her. He was fine with a relationship, learned she has bipolar, and said that he immediately decided to not pursue a relationship and that he didn't tell her. It was awhile after that before he started saying he wasn't ready (which was a lie!)

And yes, there are always things people draw the line at. But drawing the line at a diagnosis, over behaviours/stereotypes that haven't been demonstrated by the individual? Nope. Not the same. He drew a line at one word: bipolar. He didn't draw the line over any behaviour or personality clashes, just simply the fact that she has bipolar disorder.

And he sure does have the right to learn - I've no issue with that. What I take issue with are people feeding in to his beliefs and supporting the stigma.

He drew a line because of the behaviors she exhibited and the bipolar just sealed the deal. He started noticing her behavior as being off and he also mentions her sex drive being too high. Sometimes we don't want a relationship because someone's nose is too big, hair to short or wiry, attitude too depressive but we don't tell the person the exact reason because we have some tact and may even feel bad about our reasons. I just feel there was more to this story and some people were filling in blanks based on their own situations and feelings (which is common). I see PC as a place for support. Sometimes we are triggered by the topic but should still attempt to be objective and gather all evidence. But I'm weird and see things others do not. I'm not saying I'm right, just saying how I feel.

[seesaw]

The problem with your logic and forgiveness of his behavior is that once he determined that this was not a relationship he wanted he continued to string her along. It's fine to end a relationship, but to knowingly string a person along for sex? That's just cruel.