[purplestar]

Hi all, first time here so hello to you! I am a 2 just over 2 years married and very unhappy at the moment. We row all the time and he never wants to talk about anything. We tried councilling but that was thrown back in my face as "the two of you ganging up on me!". Personally I feel that he is depressed in some way. We bought a house in November and he has no motivation to do anything. He works in a sedantary job and comes in from work 2 1/2 hrs before I do but more often than not he is in bed or in the dark playing play station. I have tried to encourage him to go for a walk as I thought that a bit of exercise may do him good but he just sees that as me trying to get him to walk the dog.

I don' t mean to go on but I am so tired of it all. He takes responsibilty for nothing. It was because of me that we have a house etc. It needs a lot done to it but it is me who does all the jobs. He plays his computer games while I sand and varnish floors etc. It just seems to be nag nag nag from me and I just don't want to be like that. I tried talking to him to tell him how much stress and preassure I feel I am under (I have IBS now and suffer from slight depression) and asked that he e.g. take responsibilty for the car. He agreed but it was all talk and no action. I still have to ensure that the insurance etc is paid as he just will not do it. A brake light is out for the last 3 months and he still has not changed it. Its a simple job as I have done it in the past but he just does not care.

Last night things came to a bit of head and I suppose that is why I am reaching out to ask someone what should I do. I came in from work late due to the trains and even though it was a really hot day all the windows in the house were closed and he was in bed.... again. I decided that I was not going to get mad as it gets you no where. I did a few things about the place and made a cup of tea. I was just about to sit down (in the door an hour and had not had the chance to relax for even a minute) and he arrives downstairs takes the remote for the TV and settles in. I lost the rag a bit because I was just about to sit and watch a programme and he would not let me. I started to give out about the state of the house and his answer was to grab a bottle of water and hurl it at me and then throw me to the floor. He then slammed out and I did not speak to him all evening. When he came home he slept in the spare room. I feel so so sad!

When I get in this evening now events will go any way. I may come in and he will pretend as is most often the case that there is nothing wrong. He will not talk because as far as he is concerened I am just "mad"... I should go and get some pills and sort myself out or he will not talk for days.

All I ever wanted in our relationship was to have a laugh with my best friend but it is like living with someone who loaths and hates me. He refuses to come to do any socialising with me at all..... not even a walk on the beach once a week. At a recent wedding of one of my friends where I was bridesmaid and he arrieved to the church drunk and we had to leave the event early and he does not know why I was upset!

I just feel that I am all on my own with all of the stresses and preassures that go with house buying and generally getting on with day to day stuff. It is like living with a bold 12 yr old who is only happy when getting his own way and doing his own thing and after that the rest of the world is just a load of bull. Did I mention that if I say black he will say white just to disagree. He really has a bad atitiude towards everything and can only ever see the negative.

I am sorry for going on but I just don't seem to have anyone to talk to. I don't want people to develop a view on account of what I say as after all there are two sides to the story but I feel I am breaking up inside and no one cares least of all my husband and so where does that leave me?

Well thanks for listening.... nearly in tears now but not much point in that!

Purplestar

{{{{{{{{{Purplestar}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Welcome to our group.

I am sorry that you are in such pain. You, no matter what the situation, do not deserve to be abused in anyway. You deserve more than that.

If he won't go to counseling with you, please go by yourself. Find a good therapist who can help you cope and/or give you the strength to make a decision about your life. I wish you the best and all my prayers are with you.

Mary Alice

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{Purplestar}}}}}}}}}}}

I felt like I was reading about myself a few years back. Know that you are not alone. Please take Planning's advice and get into some therapy for yourself even if he won't go. It is great that you came here and opened up...that is showing a lot of strength and be proud of yourself for doing that.
You can vent and share with us all that you need to...we are here to listen and support. Noone will judge you. I have IBS myself too and stress is a major culprit of it. Are you seeing your doctor soon? He/she can help you with this as well.
Please know that there are so many here that care for you and your well being. You are important and don't forget that.

Take care and keep us posted.
Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[nowheretorun]

Hi Purple

I'm not an expert at people or relationships, I can only speak from my own experiences. I wonder how much of your husband's behaviour might be explained by his own sense of self esteem and identity.

When we feel badly about who we are we tend to shut off from other people as a self-defense mechanism. If we withdraw from others, we won't have to justify, expose, or challenge our own feelings which can be more painful than what any other could ever do to us.

Sometimes, we even attack our best friends, which makes us feel even more low, but we don't know how to make repairs and sometimes just give up completely.

People can be very successful in creating a front that we believe is totally who they are. We decieve ourselves with excuses for our behaviour. Communication occurs on several levels simultaneously and words are too ineffective to convey true feelings. Rarely is what one person hears, what another person meant exactly.

There may be several ways to deal with the problem, but not all will be to your liking and some will be more effective than others. I think being honest with yourself is the place to start and allowing yourself to have what you desire in life is the beginning to a happy relationship with others. First you must know what YOU want. Then you can begin to arrange the details tailored to your own needs.

We don't need to force others to do it our way. We make a choice to do it our way ourselves. Some things may fall by the way, and others you will acquire. Hopefully, your husband will make a choice to follow your lead and you can begin to have a happy life together as you intended.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[Zenobia]

There has already been a lot of good advice given so what I am going to say is just repeating what they say. You deserve more, that is just the simple truth. You married him, you love him and now it seems like he is not holding up his end of the bargain and that sucks. I don't know what is going on with him but his not being willing to take any responsiblity makes things even more difficult. When you talked about him throwing the bottle and the you to the floor, that down right scared me. What ever is going on with him he needs to do soemthing about it. Unfortunately you can't make him. You can however do something for yourself. You can see a therapist to help you get a handle on this situation and help you decide what you want to do about it. Therapists are wonderful sounding boards and give excellent advice. You don't have to have a mental illness to get good use out of a therapist. Once you have sorted through your feelings about the situation you will be more able to make the decisions that need to be made. Oh and I was wondering what IBS is, just curious.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[heatherm]

Hi Carrie

IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome ......like anxiety, panic and depression isn't enough eh?

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[zapbran]

I am sad to hear of your problem and if he won't change then I don't think you should live like that as you only have one chance. Try and tell him and if he doesn't listen leave or ask him to.

[purplestar]

Hello everyone.
I would just like to thank you all for your words of support and advice. There is a lot of advice there and I would particularly like to thank "nowheretorun" for some very good points. As you say what is on the surface often hides the personal termoil beneth and communications have to be worked on. I know that this is an area we have to do something about.

Today is a better day though. He will not talk to me at all at the moment but I suppose that I just am not going to get strung out about it. I have decided to go and have a wee chat with someone and take it from there. At the end of the day I don't want my marriage to break up but we cannot continue being destructive to one another.

Well it is a beautiful day so I shall go and enjoy the sunshine.

Many thanks, Purplestar

[nowheretorun]

That sounds like a great idea You deserve a break from the stress. A clear head will help in making your decisions and choices. Best to you

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[LutherMaze]

I know this thread is old and you only have these two posts but I can't help but think the screenname purplestar sounds familer
either way I too have ibs. I can't leave the house save for Dr.'s apt. and a holiday here and there.
I hope the mod's don't mind but in the spirit of the site I must let you know of ibsgroups.org it's helped me.

peace.

Life is but a memory on the breath of a dying man.

[dexter]

LutherMaze welcome to this site.

We also now have a forum here for health issues, as you know our health has a huge impact on our state of mind. The health forum here didn't exist when purlple posted her messages. I have had colitis since I was a teenager, although it is under control now I can really relate strongly as the condition is so similar. It had me hospitalized several times and near death a few. During those times I wasn't hospitalized I had the same problems with regard to leaving the house. It truly becomes a state of mind, not just a physical necessity. There's a need to always have a comfortable, familiar, "safe" bathroom at arm's reach. And no will to put effort into anything that has to be finished in one sitting... like television, because it is guaranteed that you will be interupted while watching.

Thank you for posting that help site... we don't allow posts that are promoting or advertising other websites but a link to a site that might be helpful in the context of a thread is welcome.

I hope you find the forums here helpful, as I do.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[pepperanne]

I just confronted my husband on similar issues that I have held in for 19 years, trying to be a "good" wife. I wish I had done it 18 years ago. Maybe a lot would have been different. I know how easy it is to not stand up for yourself and your needs, but not only that, for your happiness as a couple. I wish I had done it differently. I hope you find better ways than I did.