[spiritofjosh]

I'm new to this site and I want to thank anybody ahead of time if they choose to take the time to read my thread. I'll try and be brief and spare the unnecessary details:

I'm 30 years old, live with my best friends in a lovely home and have a full time job doing ok for myself, albeit my job is very stressful. I began dating my current girlfriend early September, when it became official. Her and I have been aware of each other for a couple years from coincidental situations and when we began talking this passing summer (it's beginning is a the best "romantic" story I've ever got to tell, BTW) we admitted to have always be drawn to each other but lack of self esteem on both our ends prevented us from approaching one another. Either way we basically fell very fast for each other and I can honestly say I've never felt this much for a girl despite all my past relationships. She claims to feel the same for me and considers me the first person she actually can say she is in love with.

My issue, flat out, is that I keep telling myself this isn't going to last. She has given me very few reasons to think of her as someone who doesn't want me but still I keep insisting, also vocally to her, that I feel she is going to leave me one day. I blame it on all my past relationships and the insecurities they all left me with definitely, but I can't control the feelings no matter how much she reassures me. She always knows when something is bothering me, whether face to face or text and lets me vent to her and listens, something nobody has done for me. She constantly tells me she is in love with me and can't guarantee we're going to be together forever because that's unrealistic, but I am who makes her feel complete and she's never felt that before, in many many more words.

I'll find things to nitpick and question her about just because it may of happened in a past relationship that ended up being something that hurt me. She knows how I am and she still remains patient, openly explains anything I could possibly dissect and make a negative assumption for and tries to help calm me down. But then it'll happen the next day, and eventually it becomes me repeating the same things to her and her telling me the same story again. She has the patience of a saint and I feel terrible I'm putting her through this. She doesn't admit to being pushed away but she is starting to think I don't want this as much as she does now. She's starting to think I'm doubting her despite her saying she made her choice and knows what she signed up for, and I'm tired of making her deal with it. I want to be secure with myself enough to feel secure with her. When we are together we rarely argue and if we do it's settled maturely, something I'm also not used to. I just want us to be happy and comfortable like we were.

Has anybody had ways to help themselves in this situation? I worry that me thinking our relationship has a limited time isn't anxiety but a gut feeling and I can't tell the difference. I want to go back to how I felt before all this since it's almost an every day feeling. I guess the closer I get to her, the more I feel like I have a lot to lose. I apologize if this was a burden to read but greatly appreciate any advice.

[hannabee]

You will wear her out and she will leave you. Please get some professional help with your anxiety and lack of self esteem. You are acting like you don't trust her and she will live down to your expectations.

All of your past relationships are not to blame, your parents probably are.

[Reseacher12345]

I feel you. Honestly I go through the same thing. I eventually break off my relationships when it gets too much.
It sounds like you found someone worth the stress tho. Just be careful. I'm not saying she will leave you, but acting like we do is definitely a stress factor for the other person. Maybe vent to another person occasionally will give her a break sometimes when she needs it most.

Something that sorta helps me is planning something special for someone. If you're super excited to share something with her (be it concert tickets a few months in advance, reservations to a fancy restaurant that's impossible to get into, or family event you plan to bring her to) sometimes that little reminder that there is a landmark event you have to stay together for, closer than the looming "forever", helps.

[spiritofjosh]

Originally Posted by hannabee

You will wear her out and she will leave you. Please get some professional help with your anxiety and lack of self esteem. You are acting like you don't trust her and she will live down to your expectations.

All of your past relationships are not to blame, your parents probably are.

I agree, about wearing her out. I look back and I'm surprised she took this much. The unfortunate part is I don't see a therapist now because I don't have insurance and paying out of pocket isn't in the cards right now. All I can do is get little amounts of help and take baby steps. I actually spoke to my girlfriend earlier while she was on her lunch break and explained that she isn't the cause to this so she shouldn't be getting the damage dealt from it. I need to work this out and she just said once I do I can see how beautiful our relationship can be without me being held back.

But one thing, you mentioned my parents being to blame instead of failed relationships, etc. That's interesting and something I haven't thought much of. Do you think growing up around a fractured marriage is what really caused me to have such insecurity issues, rather than earlier relationships where I was constantly lied to and possibly (unsure) cheated on? Or possibly both?

[Trippin2.0]

Here's a positive spin on it... (Something I employed earlier in my relationship)


If you're convinced it wont last, live in the present, for today, and make every second count.


And while you're warping your own mind (in a good way) get that therapist as hannabee suggested.


This way your gf is out of the firing line, but your needs still get met.

Mostly

[hannabee]

Probably a little of both Josh. We live what we learn. You can change it though. If no therapy, then maybe start reading some books about low self esteem or how we become who we are. I'll try and find something on the internet for you and hopefully others here can offer advice.

[spiritofjosh]

Originally Posted by Reseacher12345

I feel you. Honestly I go through the same thing. I eventually break off my relationships when it gets too much.
It sounds like you found someone worth the stress tho. Just be careful. I'm not saying she will leave you, but acting like we do is definitely a stress factor for the other person. Maybe vent to another person occasionally will give her a break sometimes when she needs it most.

Something that sorta helps me is planning something special for someone. If you're super excited to share something with her (be it concert tickets a few months in advance, reservations to a fancy restaurant that's impossible to get into, or family event you plan to bring her to) sometimes that little reminder that there is a landmark event you have to stay together for, closer than the looming "forever", helps.

Thanks for the reply and I'm glad (not necessarily a good thing) that you feel how I do and I've broken off relationships because it got to be too much on myself too. It's hard to find someone else to listen because she listens best of all, even if it's me being crazy and throwing scenarios at her of what I think she'd do or won't do and she listens, supports me and tells me what needs to be said.

Funny you mention planning something special, because I do that often despite me being anxious so much. Last weekend we went to Salem for 3 days for our first "vacation" and it was amazing. She surprised me with a photo album of the trip and left it at my house while I was at work with a note saying how closer it made us. But this Monday is apparently some "super moon" full moon and I told her last night I wanted to take her somewhere so we could see it, a big reason why is she is into astrology and is a Cancer so I thought she would appreciated it.

[spiritofjosh]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Probably a little of both Josh. We live what we learn. You can change it though. If no therapy, then maybe start reading some books about low self esteem or how we become who we are. I'll try and find something on the internet for you and hopefully others here can offer advice.

Again thank you. I've been doing a lot of research online and one of the sources actually brought me here and so far it's making a difference. What another person said above; I know I need to find some outside help because I need to keep my girlfriend out of the warpath I can be on. She isn't perfect but shows no reason to have to put up with it.

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, since your girlfriend looks so supportive, maybe you should tell her how you really feel about the situation, explaining that it's not her fault and telling her about your difficult past. You probably did already, in some way or another... but still, a reminder never hurts, right? Also, ask her if she has any ideas on how you can improve!

I hope everything will work out. I'm sure you'll both make a great couple. You just don't have to give up... you have all my support

Be very careful of self fulfilling prophecies (if you're not familiar, look it up). I fear you may be setting the stage unfortunately. I also think you don't give yourself enough credit and should work on building self esteem. Someone on PC recently wrote about a self esteem building workbook (wish I could remember who and the name of the book). Perhaps that could help you? I'm sorry you are in such a battle with yourself and I hope you find a way to feel more confident. For your girlfriends sake but mostly for your own. (((Hugs)))

[spiritofjosh]

To the last two people who responded, your kind words mean a lot to me. One thing I will say about myself is that I am not afraid to ask for help and that is one reason I'm here and I'm already getting it and getting more of a direction of how to improve all of this.

[Reseacher12345]

Originally Posted by spiritofjosh

Thanks for the reply and I'm glad (not necessarily a good thing) that you feel how I do and I've broken off relationships because it got to be too much on myself too. It's hard to find someone else to listen because she listens best of all, even if it's me being crazy and throwing scenarios at her of what I think she'd do or won't do and she listens, supports me and tells me what needs to be said.

Funny you mention planning something special, because I do that often despite me being anxious so much. Last weekend we went to Salem for 3 days for our first "vacation" and it was amazing. She surprised me with a photo album of the trip and left it at my house while I was at work with a note saying how closer it made us. But this Monday is apparently some "super moon" full moon and I told her last night I wanted to take her somewhere so we could see it, a big reason why is she is into astrology and is a Cancer so I thought she would appreciated it.

Haha reading your post was the most empowering thing. I thought I was the only one who felt this way about relationships, I know my previous boyfriends didn't understand what I meant when I tried to explain how stressful being in a relationship is.
How do you know it's going to be okay? What makes it worth it for you?

[spiritofjosh]

Originally Posted by Reseacher12345

Haha reading your post was the most empowering thing. I thought I was the only one who felt this way about relationships, I know my previous boyfriends didn't understand what I meant when I tried to explain how stressful being in a relationship is.
How do you know it's going to be okay? What makes it worth it for you?

Just last night her and I had a face to face conversation about how I've been lately. I was misunderstanding her last night and felt like she was being closed off so I asked her and it ended up her being defensive. So I told her I was coming over to talk to her face because I felt like I owed her a lot from how I've been lately; with all the anxiety/stress/insecurity. I apologized and told her everything I could to justify my behavior even though it wasn't right. After her side was said of her feelings we got a lot of bad feelings out of the way and were able to take a big step forward, as long as she was being real with herself and her own feelings and not just taking my word for it. Her feelings are very important to me.

One thing I seemed to have a revelation about last night and why I wanted to clear the air was where my insecurity stems from. I always know when something is bothering her, but she has a habit of bottling up feelings and letting them go at once and won't be open about them beforehand. So when I sense something is wrong and she won't be open I assume my intuition is off and its the next scenario, which is "her losing interest or wanting someone else or her rethinking her feelings for me," AKA: anxiety. In other words my defense is to accuse to try and get her to admit something she isn't really feeling and that is what I had to confront myself and tell her everything.

Reason why I posted this long story is because for me it felt liberating. She agreed closing off her feelings until they bottle up and explode doesn't help me with how I think and she knows me very well for someone I've only known since July. I was honestly afraid she was going to think it wasn't working but instead she must of saw I'm really starting to notice my actions and how they can be hurtful when someone just wants to love me so I had to change that. Admitting what my problems were and not trying to blame others was a huge step and it helped, a lot. Typically the only positive support I get is from her because my close friends are always wrapped up in their own lives that I just don't interfere with my own issues; but this site helped me greatly despite being on here for a day. Thanks everybody again and maybe my story can help others too if they come across it.

[Bill3]

Do you think growing up around a fractured marriage is what really caused me to have such insecurity issues, rather than earlier relationships where I was constantly lied to and possibly (unsure) cheated on? Or possibly both?

My perspective would be that growing up insecure left you vulnerable to getting involved with, and staying in, unhealthy relationships.

You might be interested in the topic Childhood Emotional Neglect, e.g. About Emotional Neglect | Dr. Jonice Webb

I was misunderstanding her last night and felt like she was being closed off so I asked her and it ended up her being defensive.

Your statement that she was being closed off could come across as an accusation and therefore prompt a defensive response. Another way to approach her would have been to make a "I Statement", such as I feel closed off from you right now, and that makes me sad. This states how you feel without necessarily prompting a defensive reaction from her.

[spiritofjosh]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Your statement that she was being closed off could come across as an accusation and therefore prompt a defensive response. Another way to approach her would have been to make a "I Statement", such as I feel closed off from you right now, and that makes me sad. This states how you feel without necessarily prompting a defensive reaction from her.

You're absolutely right and I tried wording it like that but wasn't sure how to put it to words without getting into a huge justification. I just stated that her feelings, good or bad, are very important to me. I even said if she wants to vent with an emotional tidal wave and lay it on me, then I'm there for her and know what I signed up for. She told me again today when she was on work break thanking me for understanding her and coming to talk to her and will try and be more open to me so we stay on the same page. I just had to make it clear that it's not necessarily for my sake, but hers.