My relationship to PC

Hi All --

There was a time, back in 2004-2005, when I made a real effort to post an answer to every post on Depression, the board that I needed most in my life. After I a while, I posted in General, too. It was harder to keep up there.

I left PC for about 18-20 months; came back because I was lonely. Now, I mostly post here and a bit in General. I post in Depression when I am depressed, but I find it sadly depressing to hang out there and offer support when I am in recovery and my symptoms are alleviated.

I also secretly feel impatient with some members, when I see the members post year after year about the same things and not seem to do anything to change their situations. And I feel GUILTY about that. It is judgmental, and I KNOW how hard it can be to DO ANYTHING when I am depressed and fatigued. This is an illness, and I know it is like saying, "So why don't you just get over that cancer (or HIV infection or lupus)? I am soooooo tired of hearing you whine about it."

So my judgmentalness is slap up against my presumably better self -- a self that is less ignorant and wants to be compassionate. But the result is that I just don't reply to people who may need a little hug or acknowledgment. Geez, it's enough to make me feel depressed again.

You can do only what you can do...

I'm currently staying out of a few forums...depression being one of them...somewhat similar reasons...I also can get triggered from the sad things.

Thank you for your response, Direction.

Perhaps it is time for me to abandon PC for a while again. I do not feel valued here.

(((((((((((((((((((((( Wants2Fly )))))))))))))))))))))))

I can certainly understand what you are feeling and saying here. There are times in our own lives, in our own recovery, that we can't expose ourselves to the same thing day in and day out that we are so desparately trying to heal within ourselves. It is not a shortcoming with you or anyone else who may feel as you do. It is a process you are going through in your life and lifestyle.

I'm sorry you are not feeling valued here. Is it because you don't seem to feel a connection with folks here? Is it something that comes from within you or is it a lack of connection from this community to you?

I know for a fact that I value you. I believe you have a lot to offer and I very often agree with your posts to others. You are very supportive of many people here.

I certainly understand needing a break from PC. I hope that if you decide to take a break, that you won't have to be gone for too long, as I will miss seeing you on the forums. However long your break may be, I will always wish you the best and think about you often.

Hugsss
sabby

you are so supportive wants to fly((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

it's your decision of course but you will be missed, if you do take a break i hope you will be back soon

love, jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((((( Wants2 ))))))))))))))))

What do you need in order to feel valued?

I value you!!!

Thank you for your responses -- Sabau, Jinnyann, Fuzzybear, Cheri, and MyBestKids. All I wanted to feel valued was more than one response. I've got plenty now! Thank you for commiserating.

You are definitely valued. You've written so many posts that help people; I see them all the time. It's very easy to tell someone with a good heart and soul is behind all that.

Yeah, you're definitely valued...

Thank you, Meander. I guess sometimes we just need to hear/read it. I appeciate your taking the time to write.

you're one of my bestest!

Hey ((((Wants2), I value you VERY much!

What about just posting in the forums you feel comfortable with? I'm healthy now too, and sometimes the Depression forum is hard for me as well. I want what worked for me to work for everybody and that's just not gonna happen.

I come to PC when it is convenient for me and don't when I don't have the time. That's all any of us can do, I guess!

Take good care friend,
Okie

Hi wantsto,
I have read and valued your posts, your clarity in the discussion about the support groups.
I hope you stay around, but if you need to go, I can understand. I find my relationship here often mesmerising, I cant stop at night time often, it gets more vivid than reality.

I'd like to ask your opinion about this:
after my initial post about the disorders and 12 steps I followed Dr Clay's lead and I discovered that there is a 12 step group for self injury. I have told a couple of people in a post, but I'd like to get it more know about here, though I fee a bit like I'm imposing my agenda if I talk about it. I'm not a physical self harmer so I cant join it myself. I was thinking of asking them to do a 12 step call here or something. I just feel too new to do anymore trying to be innovative. I think I should continue to listen for longer. Do you think theres more one can do??

riverX

((( Wants2Fly ))))

I just stumbled upon this thread....I understand your feelings so much! I do hope you've seen that you're very valued here!!

((( River ))) I'm gonna try not to hijack this thread but I had to say that I'm a member of a 12 step program and we have a forum here for alcohol and substance abuse. I believe that any kind of "self abuse" whether it be physical, chemical or what have you, falls under that catagory. I'd love to see you posting there. I'm also more than happy to converse in PM about the 12 steps if you like.

(K hijack over tee hee)

Thank you Fayerody, Okiedokie, RiverX, and Raynaadi. I do not think the thread is being hijacked by moving on to a more productive topic that whether my itty bitty feelings were hurt, which they certainly are not now. I'm also glad to learn that as some of us recover from depression, it can be too triggering and well, sadly, depressing, to go back to the Depression group. Perhaps that is true of other things.

After more than 20 years sober, I cannot go back to AA either. I rarely think of alcohol or drug abuse anymore. The only times it comes to mind with any strength is when I go to an AA meeting and hear people talk about it for an hour, LOL.

I hope the tip about where to go at PC for 12-step talk is helpful RiverX. If you are not eligible for the self-harmers group, have you considered Emotions Anonymous? Also, the emotional issues discussed at ACOA and AlAnon cover a wide swatch of relationship dysfunctional behaviors. Perhaps you will find a group you like.

It is very necessary to shop around for a group. It's also necessary to go more than once to each meeting to get a feel for it. I read a book about how to develop one's support system. It said that we have to go to a place -- such as church, a support group etc. -- SEVEN times before people start to recognize us as "one of the group."

I consider myself to be an anonymous, unnoticeable person. In the 1980s, I attended a small, storefront church, going on Sunday and to even smaller teaching groups during the weekday evenings. Soon, people were greeting me by my first name and asking me how I was etc. I was stunned. Then I realized, "You've been going here for months now, and this is a small crowd. Of course, they know who you are if they have intelligence greater than an artichoke."

Again, best wishes with your quest, RiverX.

Judgment is not just a negative thing; being able to tell the difference between right/wrong, good/bad, what to do/what not to do, etc. is a wonderful gift. Not everyone can see that way! Being aware of tendencies in ourselves to use our good judging skills to control or tell other people what to do/how to do it or to show our "superiority" is a good thing too; we have to be aware in order to make sure we don't act in ways we don't like but I try not to judge myself harshly for just having thoughts; anymore than I would if I had sexual thoughts about a man other than my husband or fantasies of retribution when I'd been wronged, etc. Being aware is not a fault or problem to be ashamed of.

When I get to realizing I'm feeling condescending or judgmental towards others, I try to look for the larger, logical picture; people posting on a board are going to be repetitive as they're not going to ask for help for either problems they don't have :-) or talk much about "good" things as there's not much to say there; good things or things going "right" are enjoyed but not talked about much? I know from my journals and reading back 10-20 years that I still have the same "problems" I had back then (I'm still judgmental and condescending :-) but that Life is like a spiral and I'm in a different place and working on a different aspect of the problem each time it comes up. I try to imagine that other people, posting here, are doing the same spiral thing I am but that they just haven't/aren't able to/don't know to articulate it so it "shows" for me, reading their posts. They seem to talk about the same problems and seem to be in the same place but perhaps it is different for them and they aren't quite aware of it. I try to think of their courage and tenacity that they are still struggling with the "same" problem, haven't given up or gone under as a result of the struggle. Little Jack Russell Terriers :-) Then I get bizarre :-) and try to think of other ways to think about their struggle; maybe, since they're "still" struggling with the "same" thing that the struggle itself is a form of defense/protection for them and helps protect them from something "worse" they're not able to look at (yet), a kind of displacement. If I can think that way about other people's struggles, what about my own?

I'm here for me :-) and I'm very grateful for all the "variety" other people bring to PC, including the "sameness" as each different feeling I experience here (and that's the variety aspect of it; I get angry, happy, sad, judgmental, excited, enthused, embarrassed, hurt, etc. reading posts and interacting with others in this space) helps me learn and grow. I'm very grateful to you, Wants2Fly, for posting this post of yours :-) I feel I've learned a great deal responding to it.

Wants2, I really understand and identify with so much of your post. There have been so many times when I have not felt valued after considerable effort at being supportive. There are also certainly times when I avoid the depression forum, especially during certain stages of my recovery when I can't afford to feel like I am being pulled down. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy - then I know it is time to take a break!

Despite my many issues, I am content now and have begun to value myself, even if I sometimes feel nobody else does. If that makes sense.

I do value you and your presence here at PC - and it takes courage to post about what you did!

(What happened to the "Good Posting" icon?)

I value you Wants2fly,..I messaged you privatly because I know just how good a person you are =D. I don't want you to go nope...=D. As far as getting better...for sosme it takes longer, me and my T discuessed this and,...there is no time limit on getting better. We need you to jump hurdles with us Want2fly....=D we NEED you...

Dustin

(((((raynaadi))))))))
I dont mind being hijacked, sounds fun . I'll check out the other forum when I next get time. never been asked to a meeting like that before.
These posts were thought provoking for me, it made me think quite a lot about my behaviour, always feeling I belong somewhere else.
I might take you up on pm offer idea too, I think I may have been too un anonmymous/ loud talking about the 12 steps?
I think I'm at a turning point and dont know where I'm going,
I so often feel in a different category from the rest of the world. But tonight I feel ok.

riverX

(((( River )))) I'll help any way I can.

Just reread your post. Yeah, I have SUCH a propensity for not fitting in, but I do realise thats partly my fault and my latest round of growth is helping me, and being here is helping me. Talking to Jusitce has been helping me.
I do have some real stuff though, my story with discovering self disorder and wanting to share my new understanding. I thought the 2 things should go together. I have spent the last 2 days writing and rewriting about the understanding I have gained and I hope one day it will be useful to someone else. I am interested that you left the fellowhsips and are fine.
I'll share some more in the drugs and alcohol place.

Lovely to hear your experience.

got to try to get to bed ontime tonight.

riverX