[Heather Unbalanced]

This is going to be very very long.
This thread is being made because I currently have two separate one where the same conversation is taking place. I want to put it all in one place now for the kind people who have expressed an interest in helping me through this. Thank you; it means the world to me.

This is from my jealousy thread:

We have been together for 2 years.
Okay my boyfriend is am amazing man. He is 29 (30 in December) and I am 26 (27 in January). He is very against cheating because f numerous reasons and logically, I understand that he would never do that to me. But what about when it comes to emotional cheating? What if he doesn't even realize he's doing it? Is that possible?

Alright, so he is good friends with this woman. I'll call her B. I noticed that he talks to her through text quite often. So one day, in my panic, I checked his phone (I know, I know). What I saw was her being very flirty with him and my guy was ignoring it and continuing on the conversation. Their friendship isn't casual. It's apparently a good one and shes "an awesome person."

Well, the other day, boyfriend and I had a great day. We ended the night with me laying with him and he showed me his instagram feed of a bunch of baristas making latte art. He is a barista and is passionate about so I wanted to learn a little. It was around 9:30 at night. While we were doing this, B texted him. The banner at the top said," So I'm at 'our' store. . ." and for a while I tried to ignore it.

Eventually, I couldn't and he knew something was up. So I explained that it greatly bothered me that we were having bonding time and she texted "our store." Basically, he told me that the coffee shop he used to work in, she used to work in also. She quit before he started working there but she would go and visit a lot and thats how they met. I dropped it.

Because theyre such good friends, I decided to find her on instagram and introduce myself. I said, "Hey Im ***'s girlfriend. I know youre good friends so I wanted to reach out and say hello, lol."
Well, that was yesterday morning and I still havnt heard anything back from her. She can talk to my boyfriend all day but cant respond to me?
Is this something I should forget about? Bring it up if the situation calls for it? Tell him now that it seems like a red flair? Why can she talk to him and not me?"

This is from my "back with more" thread:

"Right now, Im writing this out after I just got out of the shower-and ice cold one that I had to leave early for fear of fainting. I have just experienced my first panic attack in years.

I asked my boyfriend to come by at 10 tonight to talk. He said he should be able to and will let me know if he cant. Its 8:30 as I write this.

We are due to talk because, as the title says, we might be breaking up.

Flash Back: the past 4 months or so have been very rough on us. I made a friend at work who I developed a crush on and hid it from my partner while pursuing the friendship deeper with my coworker. When my partner found out, he was enraged. But he dealt with it as best he could until he has to break the silence. We spoke. We didnt just speak about that though, we also spoke about the other things he was unhappy with; the fact that I havnt returned to school. my bad sleeping habits, my smoking, not having a good job, etc. Thats was maybe 1.5 or 2 months ago. Since then, I have registered for another class, begun exploring options for my professional future, fixed my sleeping schedule, and have begun doing daily exercises to adress and heal my low self esteem which has caused jealousy in our relationship since the beginning.

Jealousy: the last time it reared its head was halloween. we had an amazing night and on the way home, I was drunk. So of course, my insecurities came out to play. I yelled and cried and cursed for all of 40 minutes about his new friend. his new "awesome" friend. She flirts with him a lot. He doesnt flirt back but I dont like the way she talks to him. Its possible im paranoid because of what I did to him with coworker.

The past week or so, he has become distant again (the first time was before the aforementioned conversation). He seems to be going through the motions of a happy boyfriend but there are times where his unhappiness shows itself. He used to cuddle with the blanket I crocheted him every night, he doesnt do that anymore. He thinks im always trying to argue, he seems to be looking for opportunities to get away from me, etc. Yesterday, I had enough. I broke down and my way of doing that was to be quiet and aloof the whole day (we we're together all day). He cuddled me last night. This morning he got mad about "complaining" about the noise he was making getting ready for work. I was mostly teasing him but I guess it didnt come out that way. When he dropped he off he wanted to kiss me but I said no and left the car. When I got inside, I texted him saying that I think its best if I give him space because he doesnt seem to be happy. He agreed. He said there are many things he loves about our relationship but twice as many that he doesnt like.

I told him that if that was the case, I think he simply doesnt want to be with me anymore and that thats okay. Later on, he asked if im okay and I asked him the same. He said the reality of the situation hasnt hit him yet. I said "the reality of the situation is that we're two people who love each other and want to make this work." I also asked is he came come by at 10 so we can sort this out. he said we do need to talk, that he needs time, and he doesnt know how he feels.

Its 845 now and I plan to ask him at 9 if he can make it at 10.

I wrote down in my phone memo all the things I want to say because I lose my train of thought easily. He knows that, reading from my phone wont be a big deal.

In what I have to say to him, I basically have: all the things listed that I corrected from the first time we talked about this (school, job, smoking, etc) and apparently thats still not good enough. I have planned to tell him that I think he might still love me but he doesnt enjoy my company in his life anymore. That I want to explore every avenue for healing before we end the relationship because 20+ months of happiness and a whole future is worth more than 4 months of hard times.

Its 10 minutes until 9 now. Im scared, im hopeful, im defeated, im tired, im sad, and im also a little bit okay."

This is a comment I wrote detailing our break up:

"last night I told him I wasnt ready to throw in the towel because of 4 hard months as opposed to more than 20 great ones and a whole future.
He said to me that he was unhappy because it was always a struggle with me and argument when he wanted to do something or go somewhere and I didnt want to.

He told me that he cant deal with me being mad about him going out with his friends (the only time I got mad was when he was being distant the first time-with me and my coworker-and he went to the bar after work and didnt hear from him until 1 am. and when he took one of our designated wednesdays to go to a bday for someone he never even hung out with before). and that at this point he would never be able to hang out with any of his female friends because of how angry I would be. He said it was weird when I reached out to his "awesome" female friend.

I said to him...what I need to know is if we're done. Because I cant sit around until you figure it out.
He said, if you need an answer then for now I have to say yes. I just said okay and left.

Then on text about an hour later I said "Im sorry I couldnt make you happy"
He told me not to blame myself and he will always love me and never forgive himself for this but its what he feels is right for him at the moment.

He will come to pick up his stuff and drop mine off on Monday probably. Im just going to leave it outside my door for him.

I dont think this is just a break because he isnt the type to do those "games" and isnt the type to be friends with an ex.

I have a horrible headache and have bouts of crying fits, havnt eaten since wednesday (trying to have fries now). Most of the stuff I own, he bought me or gave me. Im 27 and I thought for sure this would be the last one...the one I spent my life with. I cant go through another break-up its killing me.

Straw man at it might be, he broke up with me because his friends are more important to him."

Note to you all:
Thank you again for your kindness and for wanting to help me through.

[Bill3]

[Heather Unbalanced]

Update: When he comes to pick up his stuff on Monday, I think I will tell him that I am still open to and want to work things out. I feel like our relationship ended prematurely and that there is still hope. Is there a way I can do this properly without coming off as needy and desperate? I need him to know that I am not ready for us to be over.

Hang in there. sweetie. This will get worse before it gets better...

(So she told him that you called her? Ask yourself why...ask yourself why he thinks it's "weird"....It's not AT ALL)

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Hang in there. sweetie. This will get worse before it gets better...

(So she told him that you called her? Ask yourself why...ask yourself why he thinks it's "weird"....It's not AT ALL)

I asked him what was wrong with me contacting her and he said it was weird because its not the way to do it. If I wanted to meet her I should have told him and we would all go out.

Thank you for your concern, Sophie.

I think I messed up a bit because when he texted me last night about never forgiving himself I texted back today saying that he broke up with me because his friends are more important to him. He said I have a habit of taking one thing out of a whole slew of things. I then texted him that what I meant to say was that its more important to him to be with friends than to be with someone who argues with him because of them. I also told him to take some time and I would love to talk with him when he picks up his things and after we have both thought about what we want. He agreed.

I know what I want, Im just scared he doesnt want the same.

How do you feel about him picking up his things when you're not there?

It might be better not to see him or text for a little while.....

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

How do you feel about him picking up his things when you're not there?

It might be better not to see him or text for a little while.....

Well, Im hoping 3 days will be sufficient enough time for things to settle down enough to talk about what we both want. You think it should wait?

No I don't think it was weird to reach out to this awesome friend of your bf if she was so awesome she or he would welcome your meeting up surely? It makes me wonder why he thinks it was weird.

I think you just tackled something that was a very important difference between you (boundaries with friends), that was brave of you and imo it's better you did it now than a few years down the line when you were further invested.

[seesaw]

I don't think you did anything wrong connecting with his friend. I connected with all my ex boyfriend's friends. It was no big deal.

I mean, you're his friend too, so shouldn't he want you to meet his other friends and be friends with them? Just seems weird that he wouldn't have been okay with that.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the idea that he may not want to fight for this relationship. He may be willing to give it another try, but it sounds like he is very unhappy in the relationship. He feels like you two are always fighting...4 months out of 20 is 20 percent of the time. That's a of time to have spent fighting.

If you two are going to work it out, you need to discuss some boundaries about the things that bother you so you don't end up fighting about them all the time again.

Good luck,
seesaw

[Heather Unbalanced]

I am trying to prepare myself for the possibility that he may not want to continue on and put in effort for us. Its really f****** hard. I am also trying to remain hopeful. Im in this limbo right now and am feeling unsure and afraid. Im also sad and angry.

I have a hidden feeling behind those other ones and its the feeling of being okay. Its trying to come out but the other feelings wont let it.

I have always survived break ups. I just never ever though I would experience it with him and I dont want to go through it.

I am having a strong urge to text him. To tell him about something funny that happened before, to send a kissy face, etc. Sometimes the break up doesnt feel real. And this is only day 1. I wont see him for another 3 days until Monday night probably. I already know what Im going to say and how Im going to say it.

It is a good idea (thank you) to set boundaries so that my triggers are not...triggered. And the same for him

I do agree thoroughly that it was not wrong of me to reach out to the woman hes friends with and thank you to all who agree with me. Its killing me to think about and I dont want to talk that part anymore =(

I realize this update might sound childish but Im currently working on validation, so have chosen my words carefully for it.

Distraction is vital.

Can you go out? Tackle projects, maybe?

Anything to keep your mind busy.

[shezbut]

Gentle hugs to you Heather Unbalanced. I hope that you get back to feeling more balanced soon.

I really like sophiesmom's idea about trying to distract yourself with activities and/or tasks to help you make it through this weekend a little easier. Preferably activities like: hiking, photography, etc. Something that takes up both physical and mental effort... keeps you busy throughout the day, so you're able to fall asleep more easily at night.

I agree with sophiesmom, do you have people you can be with? Just listening to others lives can help me when I feel overwhelmed.

[seesaw]

For what it's worth, I kind of feel like you are catering to this guy's emotions in order to keep him instead of fully feeling your own. It's like you're swallowing your anger and taking his ******** because you don't want to lose him. This business with the female friend is unacceptable, imo. It sounds like your emotions are invalid to him and he ignores how you feel.

I don't mean to tell you how you should feel, but it sounds like you feel guilty for trying to know this friend rather than angry that he is keeping something from you. It makes me wonder about your self-esteem.

Maybe I'm misreading this or laying my own issues into it, but I feel you need some righteous anger.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Update: Thank you all for the comments <3

I have reached a point in this now where I am no longer sad. Im not crying anymore and am not desperate to have him back in my life.

I would still like to ask him if he will put in the effort to fix things (being committed to me and sticking by me when things get tough, skill building, taking my concerns into account, etc).

But mostly,
I can understand why a person would get fed up with someone who is constantly jealous and wont allow him to see his friends.
However, all of my outbursts have been for a good reason.

He continuously holds it against me for getting angry when he went out with his friends these two times (when he was being distant and I had finally heard from him at 1 AM when he got home from the bar, and when he ditched me on "our day" to be with people hes never hung out with before). I need to tell him that that is not okay.

Im more and more concerned about this "good friend" of his and I made up a list of "I dont feel okay when. . ." to bring to his attention.

The biggest reason im not as eager to be back with him is because of what he in vermont. I saw on his reddit page that 3 months ago he is looking forward to "proposing to my gf, getting married, and traveling the world." In vermont in august (i think?) he said if someone leaves a relationship when it gets tough, they will be in a new one every year. He is going against himself and the fact that very recently he wanted to marry me and a few short months later, he broke up with me. What gives?

I think its possible he is afraid that when he marries me he will lose all of his freedom.
There is only so much I can tell you guys that really detail how horrible I am to him when my jealousy strikes. It isnt just "Im jealous" its "f you" and terrible rage and violent words.

While I can easily see that the way I express my concerns to him have driven him to this point, the fact that I have those concerns in the first place are valid.

[Bill3]

I can certainly see that your concerns about his coming home at 1 AM or ditching you are valid.

You said that he still holds your anger against you--how long ago were these events? To what extent are you still holding his lack of consideration during those two events against him?

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I can certainly see that your concerns about his coming home at 1 AM or ditching you are valid.

You said that he still holds your anger against you--how long ago were these events? To what extent are you still holding his lack of consideration during those two events against him?

All of this trouble we have been having started about 4 months ago so it was within this time frame.

I would say he holds onto anger from them at about a 5 out if 5 being as he broke up with me partly because of it.

I would say that I hold his lack of consideration at about a 5 out of 5 because he keeps bringing them up. I would rather move on and move forward. However, in the future, if we are together, then he needs to learn to compromise with me and make the effort to really understand my concerns.

[Bill3]

I would say that I hold his lack of consideration at about a 5 out of 5 because he keeps bringing them up.

If it were up to you, it would no longer be discussed and you would not hold the events against him. But it sounds like when he brings it up he provokes rage in you.

There is only so much I can tell you guys that really detail how horrible I am to him when my jealousy strikes. It isnt just "Im jealous" its "f you" and terrible rage and violent words.

Have you ever looked into or tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by Bill3

If it were up to you, it would no longer be discussed and you would not hold the events against him. But it sounds like when he brings it up he provokes rage in you.


Have you ever looked into or tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?

That would be correct. He needs to stop bringing those things up if he wants to work passed this. We both need to be able to forgive each other. Its a large part of relationships.

I have tried it. Never stuck with it though. Yesterday I downloaded the "DBT911" app.

Tomorrow I am going to meet with a girlfriend. Tell her whats going on, maybe cry it out.

My emotions are all over the place and right now I am in a haze.

I think what I should be doing now is mourning the relationship and coming to terms with this.

[Bill3]

Thanks! Sticking with DBT will give you a good chance to get help with regulating your emotions and thus have better self-control.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Long, long story but we are back together as of late Sunday night (today is Tuesday afternoon). How long until we start feeling like a couple again?

He basically told me that in living at home and being with someone for 10+ years before me that he has never had the freedom of just doing what he wants. He doesnt want me to hound him. I get that and I also get that its only been about a day since we've become a couple again but I have concerns already.

Sunday night he picked me up and we stayed at his house. I had a lot of trouble sleeping (finally fell asleep around 5 AM) and sat up on the bed most of the night. He kept telling me to lay down after I told hi over and over that I didnt want to.

He picked me up from work last night and was still very distant. I asked if hes going to kiss me good bye and he seemed like he didnt want to.
I tried playing it off and be goofy. He was leaning in and I didnt move. I just made kissy a kissy face at hime and he pulled me in by my hoody and told me to stop Kissed me, I called him rude and left.

Said goodnight that night without any "I love you" kisses or hearts or anything affection.

Its almost 2PM now and I havnt heard from him.

I just dont know anymore.

[Trippin2.0]

Sometimes the first few days after a reconciliation can be quite weird or awkward.
I've experienced it first hand, and suggest you just attempt to relax, allow both of you the space to feel each other out and ease back into being together

He may still be apprehensive about your jealousy and you're insecurity is probably more evident than you realize, but you both want to be together which counts in your favor, nobody said it would be easy.

Well nobody except the media when they depict long (or not so long) lost lovers.

Romance is nothing like the fairytales, soaps and movies would have us believe.
We're human with our own sets of flaws and fears, love doesn't make those magically disappear.

Give it some time, but by all means talk it out if you feel its not dissipating and the connection between you is not improving.

[s4ndm4n2006]

[QUOTE=Heather Unbalanced;5367573]

...But mostly,
I can understand why a person would get fed up with someone who is constantly jealous and wont allow him to see his friends.
However, all of my outbursts have been for a good reason.

continued outbursts related to jealousy without real evidence. I will be honest, I dealt with a spouse that was jealous for all the years I was with her, and that with me never stepping out or even remotely having an emotional relationship with anyone. there has to come a point where he has proven himself and most likely he never felt he could move ahead. I know I didn't. A mistaken glance in the direction of an opposite sex person in a crowd and I had the outbursts from her. I had kept no female friends for the entire relationship and it never got better. She also always had good reason.

I understand your fears, but what I am saying is have you asked yourself and tried to address your own apparent insecurities?

He continuously holds it against me for getting angry when he went out with his friends these two times (when he was being distant and I had finally heard from him at 1 AM when he got home from the bar, and when he ditched me on "our day" to be with people hes never hung out with before). I need to tell him that that is not okay.

To be accepting of another person means you have to accept that they are not your subordinate to be commanded. Sounds like he was wanting to stretch his wings, tbh.

Im more and more concerned about this "good friend" of his and I made up a list of "I dont feel okay when. . ." to bring to his attention.

Can I ask an honest question? Wasn't it you that almost pursued a relationship with a "crush" you had but you stopped? Have you asked yourself that because of your own almost faltering, that you expect he may be capable of the same and are jealous because of this expectation?

The biggest reason im not as eager to be back with him is because of what he in vermont. I saw on his reddit page that 3 months ago he is looking forward to "proposing to my gf, getting married, and traveling the world." In vermont in august (i think?) he said if someone leaves a relationship when it gets tough, they will be in a new one every year. He is going against himself and the fact that very recently he wanted to marry me and a few short months later, he broke up with me. What gives?

That is an understandable reason for your concern. Have you looked at what changed in you, in him.. in the relationship following his desire to get married and considered what things went downhill and why? I would suggest considering that and although focusing on what he did and is doing is alright to do, perhaps focusing on what you can change about yourself would be more productive. Rarely does any relationship fall apart based solely on one person's wrong doing except in abuse cases.

I think its possible he is afraid that when he marries me he will lose all of his freedom.
There is only so much I can tell you guys that really detail how horrible I am to him when my jealousy strikes. It isnt just "Im jealous" its "f you" and terrible rage and violent words.

I don't know that it's his freedom as much as your trust he desires/desired. When someone is jealous toward a partner that is faithful it becomes a very futile effort to always be on the up and up and some guys (women if the case is turned around because men are not the only ones shown jealousy) will just throw their arms up in the air at some point.

While I can easily see that the way I express my concerns to him have driven him to this point, the fact that I have those concerns in the first place are valid.