If people can't choose or change their personality...

This is a long post, I know, but I urge you to read it, Shadix. I used to feel the same way you do. I used to be on the outside looking in wondering how to gain admittance to what I saw as an exclusive club, wondering what I was doing wrong, what I seemed to be missing that everyone else got, wondering why me. I was miserable, lonely, and bitter. That is not what my life is like today.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I used to not understand why I was so awkward and could not fit into society, but I have found many answers since finally being diagnosed with Asperger's/ASD three years ago. And yes, well meaning people used to tell me my problem was my "personality" and/or "attitude" and flawed views on "society". A lot of what I've read in this thread are misunderstandings I've been fighting my whole life.

Yes, there is such a thing as society, and it is exclusive. It doesn't seem exclusive, because it comprises 98 or 99 percent of people, but it is damned exclusive to that other 1 or 2 percent. Society is very protective and has a lot of built in defense mechanisms, e.g.

• accusing the accuser: point out that society is judgemental, and the first thing that happens is people say you are the one being judgemental. -- how many times hove you seen someone speak out against bigotry and then get called a bigot because they are 'discriminating' against the opinions of racists, sexists, homophobes or whatnot. It's the grown up version of "I know you are, but what am I".
• the forest-for-the-trees defense: "you can't base your views of society on the behaviors of the few you have encountered." -- Okay, with 7.5 billion people on the planet, it's safe to say that any one person has only interacted with a very small minority, but that minority is still easily hundreds if not thousands of people; and with many of the same views we encounter on a day to day basis being echoed online and in news and entertainment media, it's pretty safe to surmise that those views are fairly prevalent in society as a whole.
• outright denial: "there is no such thing as 'society' that determines who is fit and who is not, who to include and who to exclude; don't worry if one person doesn't like you, because someone else will". -- Anyone who thinks that their actions and thoughts and feelings are completely determined by the individual and in no part by society and culture is too immersed in society and culture to understand it, and trying to explain it to them is like trying to explain water to a fish.

There are many more, but those are the most prevalent. And while it's easy to feel like you are being attacked when you run into these defense mechanisms, it's important to remember that they are not attacks, this is just the way the majority of people actually perceive the world around them, because while you are on the outside looking in, they are on the inside unaware that there even is an outside.

Yes, society exists, and it influences the way we think, feel, act and interact. Yes, it is exclusive against those with perceived differences, and its methods of exclusion are brutal... labeling, ostracism, discrimination, bullying, and abuse.

I moved around a lot growing up (army brat). I am highly intelligent. I am also, at my adult height, only 5'5". So in my classes I was always the new guy, the smart guy, and the short guy. Any one of those things is enough to make one the target of bullying and alienation, and that's not even taking into account that I also grew up with undiagnosed autism. It sucked. To this day I still bear scars, both physical and emotional.

But(!)...

I overcame it. And I am better for it. In fact, my life today would probably not be so good had I been one of the popular kids. I learned so much-- and overcame so much-- in my journey from wanting to be like everyone else to accepting and eventually embracing my differences. And I want you to do the same.

You see, another deep and prevalent misunderstanding that I have seen reflected in this thread is actually right in the title. You can change your personality. Think about what "personality" is for a moment: the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (actions) that make a person unique. Thoughts. Feelings. Actions. Of the three, your actions are easiest to change because they are more consciously determined. Thoughts and feelings may seem like they arise independently, but notice the first word: patterns. Our patterns of thought and our emotions are basically just neural pathways. They are reinforced over time the more we use them. But, just like learning a new skill, we can consciously create new neural pathways and over time reinforce those so that they become our new pattern. This is what is happening in our brains when we engage in anything from therapy to learning a new language to quitting smoking. Not only is it possible, we do it all the time. The common misconception is that our thoughts and feelings determine our actions, when it's in fact the other way around.

Do you want to be less socially awkward? Do you want to take control of your life? Do you want to go from being unaccepted to being the guy others seek acceptance from? It can happen. I did it, and you can, too.

Is this starting to feel like a sales pitch? Like I'll soon ask you to subscribe to my newsletter or buy my book or sign up for one of my seminars? Good. It's not a pitch, and I am not going to do those things, but I want you to want to change. I want you to be willing to pay whatever it costs, to do whatever it takes to be the person you were born to be. Not to change who you are, but to become the best possible you you can be. Why do I want that? Because it's awesome. I can't tell you how great it feels. And because that's part of the program-- helping others helps me.

Did you read my response to your post on charisma in the Asperger's and autism forum? I left some of what I think are the best tips for learning charisma. If you've read that, some of the following might be familiar.

So, without further ado, here is my recipe for overcoming social awkwardness:

1. Learn stage presence. Take a public speaking course; join a community theater; do some poetry reading or standup comedy or even karaoke. By all means, feel free to practice beforehand in front of a mirror or with friends or family. But don't wait until you think you are ready. Get up on that stage no matter how sweaty your palms are or what kind of acrobatic flips your stomach is doing. Because A) when you're on that stage, you aren't you; you are a character, and B) even if you bomb, you are one up on anyone who boos or laughs because you had the guts to get up there and try-- especially if you do blow it and try again.
2. Get physical. A big part of social interaction is body language, and a big part of social awkwardness is physical awkwardness. Learn to be comfortable in your own body and how to move through the world with grace and confidence. Working out is good, but you should also engage in activities that involve/improve coordination and balance. I practice martial arts, primarily goju karate, wing chun kung fu, and krav maga. I also like skydiving and surfing, because they really put you in touch not only with your own body but with your environment. Jumping out of airplanes may be just a tiny bit extreme for some people, but there are thousands of activities you can choose from here, from competitive frisbee to dancing to parkour.
3. Practice open posture. Want to be the big man on campus? Make yourself big. Head high. Shoulders back. Arms open. Palms out. And smile. Not a big toothy terminator grin, a genuine smile, one you do more with your eyes than your mouth. Smile like you've just spotted a friend you haven't seen in a while.
4. Slow down. I'm going to guess that you don't so much walk as speed-walk when you're in public. Probably with your head down and your hands in your pockets. Maybe you don't, but this is something socially awkward people tend to do. Because being in public isn't comfortable, and we want it to be over as quickly as possible, and why are there so many people here, and why are they all in my way, and I bet they're all staring at me (are they all staring at me?) like they can see how socially awkward I am? ... Yeah. That's the old me. That's still me in my natural state. But not when I'm in character. Not when I'm on. In addition to open posture, learn to walk with the kind of easy confidence that exudes charisma. And that means slowing down. Don't speed-walk, just walk. Hell, don't even walk; strut. If someone makes eye contact with you, give them a wink or a nod, or even a casual "how ya doin'?". Stroll leisurely through life. People are more at ease around people who are themselves at ease rather than just in a rush to be anywhere else. And once you've slowed down, take the time to...
5. Compliment at least one random person each day. This is actually amazing. I started doing this a while back, and now I can barely go anywhere without people greeting me and engaging me in conversation. I get discounts at a lot of places I shop and eat. I've gotten free deserts at restaurants, landed business opportunities, and even had one woman try to set me up on a date with her daughter. All because I paid people genuine compliments... which made an immediate personal connection. The key is the compliment must be genuine. The woman that thought her daughter should date me? She always has music playing while she's working, and she has a great ear for music. Overhearing it just lifts me up when its the end of the day and I'm beat and I'm stopping in the store to pick up a few things I just have to get on my way home. The discount at the sushi restaurant? Best dragon roll I've ever had. Ever. And I made sure to tell the the waitress so... Turned out it's a family operation, and her mother not only made that dragon roll, but also owns the place. (And I make up for the discount by tipping heavy.) The magic of complimenting people is that it's not only good practice for building charisma; it is actually putting jedi master level charisma into practice, and you can start doing this now. People like to be liked. When you pay them a genuine compliment, they automatically like you. When people like you, you naturally connect with them easier and become more relaxed around them, and when you're relaxed and connected, you are naturally more charismatic.
6. Let yourself make mistakes. No one says or does the right thing all the time. Even people who always seem to say or do the right thing all the time don't say or do the right thing all the time. And that's okay. You tell a joke, and no one laughs; you accidentally insult someone; you think of just the thing to say in a conversation ten minutes after the conversation is over... you know what that makes you? Human. If no one laughs at your joke, make a joke about it ("Wow. Seriously? Nobody? Good thing I didn't tell the one about the priest, the minister, and the rabbi. That one's way worse.") If you accidentally insult or offend someone, apologize. It's that simple. The main thing is, don't isolate yourself for fear of making a mistake. Go ahead and make those mistakes. At worst, you learn from them. At best, people will find your genuineness endearing. (Really. A coworker once introduced me to a woman. As I shook her hand, he told me she was a cop. "Well," I said, "that explains your manly grip." She had a strong grip, sure, but not the best compliment I could have given her even if my stupid brain had not settled on the word 'manly'. "Um, yeah, he's a little autistic," my coworker told the woman-- who was actually still smiling. Then he turns to me and says, "Don't worry, she's cool. She's just like one of the guys, except with double D's." I gave her an... um... appraising... look and with a big grin said, "Well, more like a full C, but I get the point." She and I are friends to this day.)
7. Play the character you want to be. A lot of what holds us back (in all aspects of life) is our self perception. If you have a perception of yourself as socially awkward, that's what you will be. Your perception may be based on a thousand mistakes you've made in social situations, or having actually been called socially awkward, or just feeling like your guts are tied in knots when you are talking to someone, but it is still just a perception. The thing is, it does tend to be self reinforcing. The way to subvert this is not to change your self perception... well, it is, but that's almost impossible to do rapidly, so what you need to do is be someone else, someone who isn't socially awkward. Someone who is relaxed and confident, who exudes charisma and power. And where does that power and confidence come from? From the fact that you know a deep, dark secret about each and every person you encounter. Don't you? Well, I do, and I'm going to share that secret with you.
8. Make your social interactions about other people, not about you. And here's the secret-- deep down, everyone else is just as awkward as you. Seriously, this is the root of charisma, and it's what I meant earlier when I said that helping you helps me: we're all awkward, and we're all terrified that everyone is gonna find out, and it is your job to put people at ease.

There are many other things I could add, but these are the major ones. Let me emphasize that when I talk about playing a character, I don't mean act like a specific movie or TV character, or act like someone you aren't. Authenticity is a big part of charisma. I mean you should act like the you you want to be. A calm, confident you. A charismatic you. You can watch youtube videos and read self help books all day long, but you can only really learn charisma through practice. No one was born a social maven; some people learn quickly, while some of us could spend our whole lives trying to figure it out and get nowhere. We all play various roles as we go through our days and our lives. Whether at work, school, the gym, the beach, church, skydiving, in traffic court, at a family reunion, whatever... we dress the part and act the part. So why not go for the leading role?

And speaking of leading roles and why I feel qualified to give this advice, as stated before, I was once the picked on, bullied, short, awkward nerd, but through eventually learning and putting into practice these habits, I completely changed my life. Today, I own my own successful business and will be splitting it into three separate businesses as well as starting a non-profit in the upcoming year. I interact with partners, customers, and employees on a daily basis. I also deal with lawyers, accountants, politicians, and the press. I work with non-profit organizations and do a lot of public speaking for various social and political causes. A few years ago, I was approached about running for state representative, which required a petition to get on the ballot. Two weeks latter, the group that approached me brought me that petition... with nearly 10 times the amount of signatures required. I did not win that election, but I made a pretty decent showing. And because I dealt with all that ostracism and bullying in the past,because I built not only my business but also my life from the ground up, I know I can overcome any hardship. Rejection doesn't bother me, failure doesn't bother me; I welcome those things, because I didn't fail, I wasn't rejected. An idea or plan might fail or get rejected, but that only means there is room for improvement. Just like the way you interact with people and the environment... failure and rejection only mean there is room for improvement, opportunity for growth. That's the reality you need to accept and embrace. Failure and rejection are opportunity. Falling on your butt is good, because it means you aren't sitting on it. The only real way to fail is by not getting back up and trying again, and the only person who can truly reject you... is you.

By the way, that priest minister rabbi joke goes like this: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What the hell is this, a joke?"

From how I see you on here, you are intelligent, overly serious, highly philosophical, wants to debate your issue to death. I don't see any sense of humor. I don't see any zest for life from you. I don't see someone with a sense of fun. I do see that you are nice. You respond to everyone eventually with thoughtful response, debating your point to the death and unrelenting to see it from anyone else's POV.

With that being said, you are an acquired taste. There are people who will gravitate to you and like, even love you. Me, personally, I'd probably jump from a moving car to escape your endless, pointless debate.

I did see Ghostbusters, and understand what you mean. They were turned on by his good looks, but turned off by his stupidity. You are not stupid. Are you so anxious around pretty girls that you start acting like you are really stupid?

Let's talk about that and move away from this endless philosophical argument about generalizing how people don't respect others, yada yada yada...

RichardBrooks, yes I have the same issues you talk about, and I think it is very likely I am on the autism spectrum. And we are on the same page about society and its built in defense mechanisms.

It is very inspiring to hear from someone who went from being socially marginalized to socially valued. However, there is a little part of this that is confusing to me.

When you explain "play the character you want to be" you say "so what you need to do is be someone else, someone who isn't socially awkward", but then later on when further explaining, you say "I don't mean act like a specific movie or TV character, or act like someone you aren't. Authenticity is a big part of charisma." Well, this is a huge part of what I struggle with. Whenever I try to be the person I want to be, someone who isn't socially awkward, it always feels like I am not being genuine. So can you explain to me what the difference is between what your proposing and acting like something you aren't? If I am socially awkward, wouldn't acting like someone who isn't socially awkward entail acting like someone I'm not?

I already do a couple of the other things on that list btw. How long did it take you to go from socially awkward to charismatic?

What I am like on here and what I am like in real life social situations are very different.

I real life social situations, I tend to not debate about anything and usually don't even have the guts to disagree with people. I will almost never express a viewpoint that I know everyone around me disagrees with. I actually do joke around, but my sense of humor often comes off as lame and awkward, so I am often inhibited. It really depends on whom I am hanging out with. With my 2-3 closest friends(all male) with whom there is no fear of judgement, I often end up being the clown of the group. Around my work friends, whom I don't yet feel fully accepted by, I will joke lightly when the opportunity presents itself, but it tends to be more scripted as opposed to letting loose like I do with my closer friends.

I agree that I am not stupid. But outwardly, that's exactly what it looks like. I still don't know for sure if it is because of social anxiety or slow processing speed, but what I do know is that I have a strong tendency to say and do things that are obviously incorrect, just like the guy from the movie. It is definitely more pronounced in social situations, but it is not limited only to them.

Just fyi, I have to really sit down and think when I write these posts and I typically need complete silence. These well thought out responses are not something you would ever see from me in a real life social situation. Not even close.

The people you are most comfortable with, your few closest male friends, you are completely yourself with. You joke and they think you're funny! I am so glad to hear you are not an 'endless debater' as I called you.

You just need to find people who you can get just as comfortable with as your best friends. Do any girls date your friends, hang around with you guys? Those are the girls to get comfortable with and find one to date.

I know just what you mean about feeling stuck between trying to be who you want to be and being unable to not be who you really are. Also, the social pressure that dampens your personality.

In the issue I'm having with my husband, there is an element of this. He will not even hear of the possibility that he is perhaps ever so slightly, somewhat close to Spectrum.