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  #76  
Old Dec 28, 2016, 05:54 PM
Anonymous37908
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You are being abused Mapper!! Even if he is not physically abusing you,it is still abuse!!

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  #77  
Old Dec 28, 2016, 06:02 PM
Anonymous45521
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And this entire thread makes me happy I am not married. Every relationship I see out there seems to be like this. Perhaps the common denominator is men.
  #78  
Old Dec 28, 2016, 06:06 PM
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I suggest you look up Martyr Complex/Syndrome.

Last edited by Anonymous37954; Dec 28, 2016 at 08:45 PM.
Thanks for this!
Molinit
  #79  
Old Dec 28, 2016, 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
And this entire thread makes me happy I am not married. Every relationship I see out there seems to be like this. Perhaps the common denominator is men.
Most certainly not every marriage is like that
  #80  
Old Dec 28, 2016, 10:50 PM
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It seems like a lot of focus in this marriage is about very mundane things. Lengthy arguments and discussions about daily menu and what to eat every day and what to watch in tv etc It seems like none of those topics are of any depth or importance.

Do you discuss anything of importance or do anything together besides eat and tv? Any hobbies? Travels? What kind of stuff you do on days off? You guys go to movies or theater or museums or parks or gym together or walks? Any exchange of ideas? Are you intimate often if ever? Is he good in bed? It seems just lacking any substance to me.

Or am I missing something? Maybe there is a lot of common interests and activities together and ton of depth but you aren't sharing on here. Whatever you are sharing sounds nightmarish.
Thanks for this!
lizardlady, Molinit
  #81  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 10:45 AM
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It seems like a lot of focus in this marriage is about very mundane things. Lengthy arguments and discussions about daily menu and what to eat every day and what to watch in tv etc It seems like none of those topics are of any depth or importance.

Do you discuss anything of importance or do anything together besides eat and tv? Any hobbies? Travels? What kind of stuff you do on days off? You guys go to movies or theater or museums or parks or gym together or walks? Any exchange of ideas? Are you intimate often if ever? Is he good in bed? It seems just lacking any substance to me.

Or am I missing something? Maybe there is a lot of common interests and activities together and ton of depth but you aren't sharing on here. Whatever you are sharing sounds nightmarish.
We really don't talk about things of importance, like finances or him going to work or goals because he doesn't want to talk about those things. He doesn't want to talk about money because he knows he's in significant debt (which he is keeping from me as he told me one credit card is paid off and the other one nearly is, when I know they both have anywhere from $5000-$7000 on them). He STILL hasn't gone into work to pick up his check and it's been a week since he was paid. Guess he'd rather be negative in the bank than go to work. He doesn't want to talk about why he isn't going to work because if I ask any questions about it he gets easily agitated and walks away. Forget about goals because he can't continue doing anything for more than a week before going back to his old ways.

As far as hobbies go I pretty much clean the house and watch tv. He sits and plays his video game ad nauseum and does nothing else even though there are a ton of projects he needs to get done. I do all the ones I can, but there are several I can't. My days off are spent, as I said above, cleaning the house and watching tv. His days off are spent playing his damn video game. He asked me last night if I wanted to watch a movie and I said sure. He asked me this at about 8PM while playing his video game. I go out to the couch to wait for him and he doesn't come out. He comes out a little before 9, but that was only to get another beer and then went back to his game. Does he even remember asking me if I wanted to watch a movie??

Travels would be GREAT, but we have no money saved up to go places because I have to pay all the bills because he doesn't go to work and even when he does, he can't help with our shared bills and only takes care of his. I even work for a travel company and others are constantly going away while I have to always tell everyone "Maybe next year we'll go" when I know we won't.

Forget about going to the theater (he wouldn't step foot in it) or a museum and god forbid a park as that is the ultimate in boredom for him. I would love to go any of those places, but he doesn't see the point.

He even complains about how he never sees his 19 year old daughter. He never asks her about her life just basically "Oh we should go to sushi" or "We should go see this new movie" or Have you played this video game?" Never about her schooling or her grades or if she's working or has a boyfriend. She is going back to school this coming quarter and I asked him if he's heard anything about it (because she didn't go this past semester). I know she's going because I saw that she had sent him his share of her tuition bill so I played dumb acting like I didn't know if she was returning or not. His response when I asked him was him shrugging his shoulders and said all irritably "I don't know. She sent me a bill for it". and that was it. He doesn't even ask her what classes she's taking!! Yet he always complains about the way her mother raised her and if she had let him be involved more his daughter would be totally different. Yeah I can tell you would have been a total hands on dad!
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Thanks for this!
divine1966
  #82  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 12:24 PM
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Mapper, the relationship problems you have are significant that is clear from your posts.

You can't change his behaviour, and his behaviour is impacting negatively on you. It sounds like he has a lot of ingrained behaviour which is impacting on all areas of his life.

You can try to work at this, idk if couples therapy would be something he could be persuaded to do. Or you can cut your losses - but you have stated you don't see this as an option.

You could continue as you are now and live with it, in which case I strongly suggest you build your own social networks or at the very least get out and do the things you want to do.

You say you like the theatre, he doesn't, so why not just book a ticket for yourself and go? I do this kind of thing all the time (my husband dislikes cinema and I like it), lots of people go to events solo, there's actually something very enjoyable about 'me' time and doing things you love (without a reluctant companion who just came to keep you company).

You need to look after yourself or you will burn out.
Hugs from:
Chyialee
Thanks for this!
Chyialee, divine1966
  #83  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 02:00 PM
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It sounds like you two are just not a good match. Unsure what could possibly keep you two together but since you don't want to get divorced and can't change him, all you could do is change yourself and your own life.

My husband and I do like many same things but our work schedules don't match and we can't always do things together. So I belong to several women meetup groups. So when our schedule don't match and I don't want to be home I am out and about with other women. Can you try that? I really enjoy women company. It will keep your mind off things and you won't feel like you are alone because you'd be with other ladies. Try it? What do you care if he is mad?
  #84  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 05:16 PM
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And he's home again today! He was off all last week, didn't go in to work the past two days because they were doing inventory and not required to go in and told me he was going in today. Nope! Just checked his email and see he applied for a job at his previous workplace! Now this previous workplace (which is a huge aerospace company) was a place that he hated. Hated the hours, hated the people, pulled the same crap there of not going in for weeks because he hated it. Kept telling me up until a month ago how much happier he is at his current job and would never go back to that.

Please tell me WHY WHY WHY is he reapplying there????!!!!
  #85  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 05:21 PM
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Perhaps for him the grass is always greener wherever he isn't.
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  #86  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 05:28 PM
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Perhaps for him the grass is always greener wherever he isn't.
Oh I know he'll immediately say to me "Oh but this is in a different area and they pretty much keep to themselves and it will be totally different there". No it won't. It won't be any different. He's just talking it up in his head. Just like when we almost bought a house almost an hour south of his job. I told him he would get frustrated with the commute and he went "No I won't. I'll just hop on my motorcycle and get up there in no time". The house we ended up getting is about 30 minutes from his job and he complains endlessly about THAT commute! If it were an hour away he simply wouldn't go in because of that!
  #87  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 06:06 PM
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Perhaps for him the grass is always greener wherever he isn't.
Oh I know he'll immediately say to me "Oh but this is in a different area and they pretty much keep to themselves and it will be totally different there". No it won't. It won't be any different. He's just talking it up in his head. Just like when we almost bought a house almost an hour south of his job. I told him he would get frustrated with the commute and he went "No I won't. I'll just hop on my motorcycle and get up there in no time". The house we ended up getting is about 30 minutes from his job and he complains endlessly about THAT commute! If it were an hour away he simply wouldn't go in because of that!
  #88  
Old Dec 29, 2016, 08:19 PM
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Separate your bank accounts. What he pays bills with if he doesn't work? Just pay mortgage and your own basic bills but don't give access to your account. He will have to go work if he will need gas money or buy clothes or car payments etc don't pay any of it
  #89  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 07:45 AM
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Separate your bank accounts. What he pays bills with if he doesn't work? Just pay mortgage and your own basic bills but don't give access to your account. He will have to go work if he will need gas money or buy clothes or car payments etc don't pay any of it
Our accounts always HAVE been separate. I still have to pay all of "our" bills like mortgage, utilities, insurance, internet, phone. I usually end up paying for the entirety of those every month as it is. He STILL hasn't gone to get his check and has been negative in his account for nearly 2 weeks but since he's not leaving the house, he doesn't feel the need for any money. He hasn't asked me for any and doesn't seem to care he can't pay his own bills.
  #90  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 07:52 AM
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What a ****ing liar!!! I come home last night at 5PM because I went to work and he told me once again the night before that he was going to work too. His car was moved over to the other side of the street in order for it to look like he had been out. I walk in the door and he's sitting in front of the tv and I go "So you didn't go in AGAIN huh?" He goes "No I went in to talk to my boss but he was busy so I'm going to go back in tomorrow and talk with him and see if we can figure something out". I say to him "Really? After 1 1/2 weeks of not working and barely calling in, you just walked in at your leisure to talk to your boss, not to work, and he was busy (it's the slow season and nobody is busy!) and then left? Nobody expected you to work?" He goes "No". I'm not an idiot! Don't you think your boss would've sat you down and asked what the hell was up? But instead he was like "Oh that's cool. I'm busy right now but why don't you come back tomorrow and we'll work something out. Don't worry about working today." Plus, if he would have gone in, he would have gotten his check, which means he would have bought beer and there was none in the fridge. Then to back that up, I look on his Facebook later that evening and at 5:36PM there's a message from his coworker saying "You still down for the count? Doug is out today so it's just me at the counter." And I see his boss texted him around 4PM, but he hasn't looked at his phone since Christmas so he has no idea and doesn't seem to care. Oh I'm pretty sure he's going to get fired at this point and I'm on the verge of telling him to just quit if he isn't going to go in. But he doesn't seem to care just like he doesn't seem to care about picking up his check.


I'm staying home today as well without pay because if he doesn't have to work for nearly 2 weeks, I certainly shouldn't have to work either! We'll see what his reaction to that is when he gets up this morning.
  #91  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 08:16 AM
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What a ****ing liar!!! I come home last night at 5PM because I went to work and he told me once again the night before that he was going to work too. His car was moved over to the other side of the street in order for it to look like he had been out. I walk in the door and he's sitting in front of the tv and I go "So you didn't go in AGAIN huh?" He goes "No I went in to talk to my boss but he was busy so I'm going to go back in tomorrow and talk with him and see if we can figure something out". I say to him "Really? After 1 1/2 weeks of not working and barely calling in, you just walked in at your leisure to talk to your boss, not to work, and he was busy (it's the slow season and nobody is busy!) and then left? Nobody expected you to work?" He goes "No". I'm not an idiot! Don't you think your boss would've sat you down and asked what the hell was up? But instead he was like "Oh that's cool. I'm busy right now but why don't you come back tomorrow and we'll work something out. Don't worry about working today." Plus, if he would have gone in, he would have gotten his check, which means he would have bought beer and there was none in the fridge. Then to back that up, I look on his Facebook later that evening and at 5:36PM there's a message from his coworker saying "You still down for the count? Doug is out today so it's just me at the counter." And I see his boss texted him around 4PM, but he hasn't looked at his phone since Christmas so he has no idea and doesn't seem to care. Oh I'm pretty sure he's going to get fired at this point and I'm on the verge of telling him to just quit if he isn't going to go in. But he doesn't seem to care just like he doesn't seem to care about picking up his check.


I'm staying home today as well without pay because if he doesn't have to work for nearly 2 weeks, I certainly shouldn't have to work either! We'll see what his reaction to that is when he gets up this morning.
Um yeah, it sounds to me like he's about to be fired.
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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
  #92  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 08:30 AM
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What does he do all day? Does he do drugs? There is something going on. He didn't look at his phone since Christmas??? How is that even possible.

I don't think you staying home is proving anything. I wouldn't want to stay home with him. Omg it's getting worse. Unbelievable
  #93  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 08:32 AM
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Can you leave him without getting a divorce? I mean, I know.you have religious beliefs, but he is breaking all sorts of scripture and vows by behaving the way he does. He is not cherishing and providing for you the way a man of faith should.
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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
Thanks for this!
healingme4me
  #94  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 09:04 AM
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I would completely cut him financially at this point. Take him off health care and car insurance too. How about cell phone? Who pays that? Stop paying fir it. Eventually he'll need to work
  #95  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 09:05 AM
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What does he do all day? Does he do drugs? There is something going on. He didn't look at his phone since Christmas??? How is that even possible.

I don't think you staying home is proving anything. I wouldn't want to stay home with him. Omg it's getting worse. Unbelievable
His days consist of sitting in front of the tv, then when that gets boring, sitting in front of his computer and playing his game. Eating, drinking, smoking pot then taking a nap then more tv and computer. Not a damn thing gets accomplished.

And no, he just doesn't look at his phone. This has happened several times in the past. He's missed 2 phone calls and I see there have been 4 messages he's gotten. I don't tell him because then he'll say I'm spying on him. Even with him not going into work he just doesn't seem to care if work is trying to get a hold of him or not.

Plus, I need to stay home to see if he actually goes into work to talk with his boss like he told me he would. Well even if he leaves the house, he could go anywhere and come home and tell me he talked with him....or tell me he went in and by golly his boss had taken the day off so he'll have to wait until next week to talk to him. And why the hell he feels he needs to "work something out" with his boss is beyond me! Everyone else there is getting the same pay and they go in every day. Yet for some reason you feel you need to strike a deal to keep working there because you deserve SO much more.
  #96  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 09:30 AM
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I'm sorry, this is beyond messed up.
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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
  #97  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 09:56 AM
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Does he have mental illness? Was he ever seen by anyone? He sounds severely unwell.

How is he smoking pot if he isn't making money? Do you buy him pot? Is he smoking in the house? Are in you in a state where it's legal? If it's not legal in your state, then you have to protect yourself.

Is he maybe selling pot during the day? How is he affording bear and pot? What's he eating and drinking? Just don't buy enough for him to eat

He needs to seek some help. But to all honesty he only does all this because he can (unless he has an illness of sorts). Before you two met, who supported him? He pays his daughters share of tuition. Where does he get the money for that?
Thanks for this!
seesaw
  #98  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 10:01 AM
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Does he have mental illness? Was he ever seen by anyone? He sounds severely unwell.

How is he smoking pot if he isn't making money? Do you buy him pot? Is he smoking in the house? Are in you in a state where it's legal? If it's not legal in your state, then you have to protect yourself.

Is he maybe selling pot during the day? How is he affording bear and pot? What's he eating and drinking? Just don't buy enough for him to eat

He needs to seek some help. But to all honesty he only does all this because he can (unless he has an illness of sorts). Before you two met, who supported him? He pays his daughters share of tuition. Where does he get the money for that?
Ditto these questions.
__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
  #99  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Does he have mental illness? Was he ever seen by anyone? He sounds severely unwell.

How is he smoking pot if he isn't making money? Do you buy him pot? Is he smoking in the house? Are in you in a state where it's legal? If it's not legal in your state, then you have to protect yourself.

Is he maybe selling pot during the day? How is he affording bear and pot? What's he eating and drinking? Just don't buy enough for him to eat

He needs to seek some help. But to all honesty he only does all this because he can (unless he has an illness of sorts). Before you two met, who supported him? He pays his daughters share of tuition. Where does he get the money for that?
I don't know what he has. Could be BPD or NPD or ADHD. Or he could just be a jerk with no conscious. Whatever it is, nothing has ever been diagnosed.

He is smoking pot because the day he gets his paycheck, he stops at the pot store (yes it's legal here) and buys about $100 worth of it. He's still working on that reserve. Maybe he'll be motivated to go get his check when he runs out of pot, even though everyone around here but me it seems smokes it so he'd have no trouble finding some. I hate it, I have nothing to do with it. Same with the beer. He has no beer and I haven't gotten him any so he's stuck drinking my vodka. I do all the grocery shopping so of course he's going to eat whatever I buy.

And no, he's not selling pot. He doesn't have the drive to walk out the front door much less to find a way to sell pot.

As far as I know before we met he just had tons of debt because he couldn't manage his money. His mother may have helped him, but she's as bad as he is. As far as the daughter's tuition goes, he was able to pay it before now, but she hasn't been in school since May so he's had a break. Not sure how he's going to pay that $400 now along with his own bills which add up to another $600 or so a month. Of course he won't help with OUR bills!
  #100  
Old Dec 30, 2016, 11:17 AM
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healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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Can you leave him without getting a divorce? I mean, I know.you have religious beliefs, but he is breaking all sorts of scripture and vows by behaving the way he does. He is not cherishing and providing for you the way a man of faith should.
That's the part of this thread that caught my eye. I even pulled out my little binder from when I went through the adult confirmation process.

The section about the Sacrament of Marriage states that married love is "self giving." To "put the needs of others before your own." No wonder you, the OP, are so upset about your H's selfish ways. Maybe seek a priest or couseling through your Church to get back to the basics of your marriage?

I also noticed the part about your mom having paid for the wedding and wanting to honor that?

If Staying is a choice, then this built up resentment and added stress is no way to lead your own life. You deserve to unbind from the shackles of financial worries and worries about what choices your husband makes. You can only control you and your reactions.
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
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