[stolemyheart87]

Since I have recieved so much advice from various people online, family, friends etc. I am a bit confused as to how the proper or right way to date in today's time goes.

So here is my layout of how my situations have played out.

I am on a dating website or app, find a guy to my liking, I read his profile and see his photos, then message him, it could be as short as "Hey How are you? What's up?" or as long as "Hello, I came across your profile and really like how you don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, neither do I. I also see you and I share a lot of the same interests, what types of music and movies do you like?"

And after messaging them they will view my profile, and not respond back. OR they view my profile, and do send me a reply, and from there we talk throughout the day, into the evening, and come the next day they end up disappearing and I never hear from them again.

OR we talk throughout the day and night, and the next day I wake up to a message from them saying "Morning how are you?" and we talk all day and night again, and then the following day it dies out.

OR I will receive a message from the guy, and we talk and hit it off and then it dies out. In any case. Which is the best way to go with online dating.

Should the girl wait for the guy to message them on these sites or apps
Should the girl go and message the guy and talk to him
Should the girl go and ask the guy out on a date
Should the girl wait and have the guy ask her out on a date
Who should pay for the date?
Should the girl chase the guy?
Should the girl let the guy chase her?

What is the right thing to do?

All though im a lot younger than you i really dont think theres a "proper" way to date somebody. Just as long as you dont put yourself in any serious danger in order to hook up with somebody you hardly know... Also its all up to you really ~ if you love him and he loves you, go for it. There are no set "rules."

Personally I don't get the whole online dating app thing, but I know people it has worked out for. You mention several times talking/texting throughout the whole day and into the night. I'm wondering if it is too much communication all at once -- a bit overbearing in such a short amount of time.

I know the men I actually ended up dating were people I got to know first over a period of time. We had a few brief conversations here and there; we were involved in common activities or events; we ran into each other regularly because our paths just naturally crossed on a regular basis. Over a period of time, we got to know each other and eventually one or the other of us suggested doing something together; things just developed from there. I think if I had just met a person cold and then spoke to them for hours right away, that would have scared them off (or me off) -- too much too soon. Kind of smells of desperation a bit. But again, I know nothing about online dating sites, so I could be off. I know the people I am aware of who actually did meet someone and start dating from an online site took a bit of time also. I think people can spend too much time communicating electronically that it sets up a sort of artificiality that can't live up to reality.

As far as when to ask for dates goes . . . again, in face-to-face dating, that just seems to have a way of developing over time. In my case, the guys always asked first, but I don't think that necessarily really matters. And does it actually have to be a "date?" How about just agreeing to meet for lunch and each of you pay your own way? Chasing? I found the "chasing" was mutual for the most part. When we hit it off, we were both very mutually involved in communicating and investing our time in the relationship. And it wasn't always "dates" so much as just hanging out and exploring things together. Maybe just walking the mall or going to a park or out to get ice cream or something. I think sometimes the pressure of "dates" is a bit unnatural. Relationships that actually turn into something substantial tend to be more about just getting to know each other in more informal ways.

[TishaBuv]

There are a lot of good self help books on dating. There must be a Dating for Dummies. I suggest you go to the library and read.

I'm not giving you any more specific advice because I don't feel valued at all by you.

Best of luck,
T

There are no girl/guy rules regarding who contacts whom or makes the first move, etc.

There are some villians out there. I am not kidding here; but, if they launch into a lengthy description of who they are cut and past some of it to google. Many vultures out there use the same speil over and over and over.

They say that it is wise to meet someone in person as soon into the relationship as you can. Personally I think this is really important. It is also said try to avoid the long-distance thing unless you have the means to visit this person fairly early on.

Again, be careful. I am I admit wary of the internet thing. My sister in law was duped for thousands and thousands of dollars,, her bank accounts seized, and arrested for funding terrorism. BE CAREFUL!

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

There are a lot of good self help books on dating. There must be a Dating for Dummies. I suggest you go to the library and read.

I'm not giving you any more specific advice because I don't feel valued at all by you.

Best of luck,
T

I agree. I also don't feel valued by you and am not going to give anymore advice to you. Until you start to listen, we can't help you.

[divine1966]

Rule #1.
Well no professionally or otherwise employed men with hobbies and interests will be texting all day and night as it would mean they are either unemployed or don't value their job or have no life. So the ones that talk all day and night are most likely do it out of boredom, not because they are interested.

Also when you text all day and night you pretty much send a message that you have no life and no job and no friends and no serious obligations. You also send a message that you are desperate and needy. That's a turn off.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

There are a lot of good self help books on dating. There must be a Dating for Dummies. I suggest you go to the library and read.

I'm not giving you any more specific advice because I don't feel valued at all by you.

Best of luck,
T

There is a Dating for Dummies book, I bought it for myself a long time ago. It is remarkably good and blunt. One important topic it covers in detail and is threaded through the book is personal growth and knowing when you are ready to date and when you are not.

[qwerty68]

You have asked this before. There is no one right way. Forcing it is the wrong way.

I haven't dated a ton in my life but I have met them in various ways:

1. Through a friend, this was the most often way
2. online, out of dozens of women I met I only dated one and it was a disaster
3. work, bad idea on my part
4. I met my ex-wife at a freaking drive through at a local burger place

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

Should the girl wait for the guy to message them on these sites or apps
Should the girl go and message the guy and talk to him
Should the girl go and ask the guy out on a date
Should the girl wait and have the guy ask her out on a date
Who should pay for the date?
Should the girl chase the guy?
Should the girl let the guy chase her?

What is the right thing to do?

1. Either the male or the female can send the first message.
2. Either the male or the female can ask the first date.
3. Always be prepared to pay, but give the guy the chance to offer.
4. NO ONE IS CHASING ANYONE.

Good luck,
seesaw

[xRavenx]

Do you think maybe it's time to try a different way of dating, such as maybe through current friends or focusing on meeting new friends, so that there isn't any pressure, and you are more likely to find someone who shares common interests? Maybe hanging out in a small group and meeting guys that way?

Or there are 'meet up' websites too that center more around common activities, where it's a casual place to meet people in person, rather than behind a screen. Nothing beats seeing how someone is in person, and it's a more laid-back approach. Through meet-ups or friends, you may also be more successful finding a guy who lives in your area.

You like concerts a lot, so maybe a friend of a friend can introduce people to you. Not necessarily in a "being set up with someone" type of way, but to get to know different people and see who you are most compatible with. Just some ideas.

It might be more fulfilling to focus more on making new connections, whether friends or otherwise. Then, things are more likely to fall into place naturally, and you are enjoying yourself in the process, rather than stressing yourself out about these guys online. All this going back and forth with messaging and worrying when the person is going to text you back or show interest is causing you a lot of anxiety and even affecting your self-esteem, clearly. Also, as far as the chasing goes, I believe it should go both ways, where there is no "chasing," but mutual feelings of wanting to connect where it goes both ways.

It just seems like the Online Dating thing isn't working out as of now, and it is causing you more trouble than it seems worth, so why not try something a little different?

[divine1966]

You said before that you want a man so you have someone to go places with. You can focus on finding friends to go places with for now. You said meet ups you went to had all drinkers and druggies. Don't know what are those meet ups but I've met great friends in Meetup groups. No drinking was involved. Maybe you choosing wrong meetups. Try the ones that aren't focused on clubbing but more intellectual ones or movie groups. Those are always good.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Rule #1.
Well no professionally or otherwise employed men with hobbies and interests will be texting all day and night as it would mean they are either unemployed or don't value their job or have no life. So the ones that talk all day and night are most likely do it out of boredom, not because they are interested.

Also when you text all day and night you pretty much send a message that you have no life and no job and no friends and no serious obligations. You also send a message that you are desperate and needy. That's a turn off.

I agree with Divine.

I actually just stated dating someone who I met online. We text back and forth only in the evening, after we are both home from work, probably for about an hour or so. If she pestered me with texts throughout the day, I would find that incredibly annoying since, when I'm at work, I'm busy!

Half the time I initiate our conversations, half the time she does.

We live in different states, but she travels for work. After talking once each evening for 4 days, she asked me out on a date. I said yes, and she arranged her schedule so she could meet me in conjunction with a business trip.

From here on out, we will probably take turns visiting each other.

Everything is very mutual. No one has to chase because no one is running away. Everything has felt very easy and very natural.

[Shazerac]

I agree that your interactions with the guy has to be mutual. However, I think you are confusing an online flirtation with actually hanging out with someone in person . Your post where you texted the guy and accused him of playing games and told him that he MUST make time for you was jumping the gun big time. You can't just make up abitrary and demanding rules and expect any self respecting man to bow to your demands. That will get you nowhere fast.

[stolemyheart87]

That's the thing though, when 1 month guy dated from August to September and we were talking for the first time, BEFORE we met, he would text me everyday, even with his busy work schedule, he would make time for me, he would talk to me, he would show me he is interested in me.

Then after we met it kept going and then slowly died down, a tad but we would still talk and dated during that 1 month time frame.

Don't you see my point of how I am saying that this guy did show me interest, by him texting me, calling, me, etc. When a guy does not do that, and just doesn't talk to me for a week or 2 weeks or whatever length, that shows me he isn't interested.

Or if I message him and he doesn't reply until weeks later that tells me he isn't interested. That's the experiences I am getting from guys and it hurts.

[scorpiosis37]

Sorry you're hurting.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

That's the thing though, when 1 month guy dated from August to September and we were talking for the first time, BEFORE we met, he would text me everyday, even with his busy work schedule, he would make time for me, he would talk to me, he would show me he is interested in me.

Then after we met it kept going and then slowly died down, a tad but we would still talk and dated during that 1 month time frame.

Don't you see my point of how I am saying that this guy did show me interest, by him texting me, calling, me, etc. When a guy does not do that, and just doesn't talk to me for a week or 2 weeks or whatever length, that shows me he isn't interested.

Or if I message him and he doesn't reply until weeks later that tells me he isn't interested. That's the experiences I am getting from guys and it hurts.

I understand it hurts but that's life. If people aren't interested they will not want to date you no matter how much it hurts. It can be tough. But it's what it is

[stolemyheart87]

Well alright then. I will just keep trying until I find someone that will click with me.

[Lauliza]

I've done online dating with some relative success. There are no rules to first messages - if you are interested make contact. If they are interested they will answer you back. No response is more likely a matter of interest and not the fact that they wanted to message you first. The problem is that to find success you have to experience rejection. Men have always known this and just expect it, but I think it's fairly new to a lot of women. So when they don't have luck after messaging a few men, some women might feel defeated and tempted to give up, when it's really just part of the process.

In relation to texting and emailing, I think it should be kept to a minimum before going out. You can get to know each other too well and the thrill is gone before you've even gone out. Most people should be too busy to message that much anyway. To some, too much availability ends up being a turn off. Traditionally men pay, so while I'd always bring money and offer, the expectation is still (I believe) that the guy will usually pay. And as for interest - if someone is really interested, they will try to see you. Keep that in mind, always. That way you don't waste time - if they don't try to make a date relatively quickly, meaning after a day or so of a back and forth messaging, move on. Keep in mind that people are often messaging more than one person at first, which explains the abrupt way interactions can end, even after you've felt a connection. So don't take it personally and get discouraged. Everyone experiences rejection in online dating so you have to have a thicker skin and build your confidence if you can. I personally think the internet is a great way to meet people if you are safe about it and don't get too caught up in the online nature of it- meaning use it to be introduced to people and take it offline as soon as possible. The most successful people seem to do this and are use it very strategically. Have a plan, meet people, and practice. I was advised to meet up with people I wasn't so attracted to at first in order to build confidence. I did find it easier after a while and did have a couple of relationships.

[stolemyheart87]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I've done online dating with some relative success. There are no rules to first messages - if you are interested make contact. If they are interested they will answer you back. No response is more likely a matter of interest and not the fact that they wanted to message you first. The problem is that to find success you have to experience rejection. Men have always known this and just expect it, but I think it's fairly new to a lot of women. So when they don't have luck after messaging a few men, some women might feel defeated and tempted to give up, when it's really just part of the process.

In relation to texting and emailing, I think it should be kept to a minimum before going out. You can get to know each other too well and the thrill is gone before you've even gone out. Most people should be too busy to message that much anyway. To some, too much availability ends up being a turn off. Traditionally men pay, so while I'd always bring money and offer, the expectation is still (I believe) that the guy will usually pay. And as for interest - if someone is really interested, they will try to see you. Keep that in mind, always. That way you don't waste time - if they don't try to make a date relatively quickly, meaning after a day or so of a back and forth messaging, move on. Keep in mind that people are often messaging more than one person at first, which explains the abrupt way interactions can end, even after you've felt a connection. So don't take it personally and get discouraged. Everyone experiences rejection in online dating so you have to have a thicker skin and build your confidence if you can. I personally think the internet is a great way to meet people if you are safe about it and don't get too caught up in the online nature of it- meaning use it to be introduced to people and take it offline as soon as possible. The most successful people seem to do this and are use it very strategically. Have a plan, meet people, and practice. I was advised to meet up with people I wasn't so attracted to at first in order to build confidence. I did find it easier after a while and did have a couple of relationships.

Oh I see. Well that makes sense, but come on really, like if I start talking to a new guy today, I should go and meet him tomorrow? Isn't that a bit TOO quick of a date? Why not talk today and meet up on Friday or Saturday that seems more reasonable isn't it?