I need advice about communication in my relationship

So I’m going to try keeping this as short as I can. No promises though because it is a fairly lengthy story. I’m going to try my best to also keep it fairly neutral because I don’t want to shed a bad light on my boyfriend because he is a very great guy.

To start- My boyfriend and I do have issues with communication. I’ve always had a lot of trouble with communication and I know that. I used to think it was all me but lately that’s not how I’ve been feeling. We’ve been together for almost two years now and I can see in myself that I’ve been doing better. I’m still not where I want to be but all I can do is keep trying. I’ve definitely been trying harder the past week because I know he’s been frustrated with me. And most of this comes back to a) me not working right now and b) him believing I’m not trying hard enough with my real estate career. I’ll explain in as few words as I can though- I got licensed this past September and was with my first brokerage until mid December. I also worked full time for this company. My bosses were actually some of the worst people you could work for and these people literally made my time there a living hell. Nothing was standardized and one day something would be ok but the next day I was actually getting screamed at for doing it. I also didn’t have any help from them with real estate and I did have a client in my four months there. We had a contract on a house but the deal fell through (I did get slightly discouraged from this but I don’t want to let one mishap stop me). Anyways- I switched to a new brokerage December 27th and it’s been pretty awesome. In 3 weeks I’ve learned more than I did in 4 months. So I’ve been going to my classes these past 3 weeks and I missed one last Monday because my best friend came to visit and it wasn’t required. They offer this set of classes quarterly though so it’s not like I can’t ever take it again. He has now told me multiple times in a row how upset he is that I missed it and that I should have just gone. And I’m not joking when I say that he literally made comments about it for four days straight. I feel like I try and try and nothing, it’s never going to be enough. I’ve been applying for jobs as well and I got an interview for this Thursday in a field I really like and I told him (which I know he’s made comments about-that I will talk about next because it’s my biggest issue) but he just didn’t care. I’m doing what I can to change the situation to make him happy but it’s never good enough. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be good enough. I’m not perfect and I know sometimes I get lazy. I know I haven’t been trying as much as I should with real estate but anytime I feel like I make progress I also feel like he finds something wrong with it. Two steps forward, three steps back. I wonder why I even bother sometimes. By now I just want to do it for me because I know what my future could look like but it just hurts me when I don’t feel like he really believes in me. He says he does but it certainly doesn’t feel like it lately.

This brings me to the main issue- He’s been acting really weird lately and it made me suspicious. The whole hiding his phone thing and acting very distant. Mind you, I’ve been cheated on before so I kind of know the signs. I know he’s talked to his ex’s before. Who doesn’t? I’m still pretty decent friends with one of mine because I’ve known him for 6 years. What bothers me is that I saw messages and phone calls by checking Verizon (my mom was a sneaky woman but in a way I’m glad she did this to me) and they’re not even bad, plus I can see what was said thru text. So what happened is that he asked his ex if she could call him because he needed advice. I don’t know what they talked about but saw some texts about it the next day and from the gist of it he talked about me and our problems in the relationship. She didn’t give him bad advice and I do understand that she knows him. But he has friends that have known him longer and two of them even lived with him and his dad. He’s gotten off the phone with me a few times saying he’s going to do something specific and this past week I literally don’t trust him at all because I’ve found out that really he gets off the phone with me to call her if he gets upset with me for something. What really bothers me is the fact that he’s involving his ex in our relationship. I don’t know her at all and I personally don’t think that she’s the best person to talk to about issues in our relationship. I know for a fact he wouldn’t appreciate if I did that so I don’t understand what makes it ok for him to do. He gets upset when I talk to my ex so it’s just a bit hypocritical to me. And he still hasn’t even mentioned it to me. It’s been over a week now and he comes home tomorrow (technically today). But this is the reason I feel like I’m really not the only one at fault for the lack of communication skills. Instead of talking to me, he talked to his ex. I don’t have any issue with him seeking advice, but I think he has better friends he could be talking to about it over his ex. So I’ve tried starting a conversation about what the problem is (which I’ve known something is up) since before they talked AND after. Maybe it’s because I would shut him down before but lately I have been doing better at talking. He tells me to do what makes me happy so I left my previous brokerage to switch and also left my job because of that. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like an awful person for invading his privacy like that but he wasn’t telling me anything and I guarantee he won’t say anything at all when he does get home. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt in that he will tell me in person but I really don’t think he will.

I’m sorry this is so long and I understand that I was pretty bad in doing that to him and it makes me a kind of terrible person but I didn’t know what to do because he’s never going to say anything. I need some advice though because I don’t know how to bring it up to him. Am I wrong in thinking that she’s not the right person to go to about our relationship? It makes me uncomfortable knowing he has. Any advice is appreciated though.

I read your concerns , first I would like to say is that no one should be held responsible for another person's happiness.
I would think in a perfect world we would all compliment each other , sad to say but with so much baggage we bring into relationships it no wonder we all have issues that cause problems . I suggest you find a couple who may be older but that's not necessary have a perfect relationships and ask them how they have made Thier relationship work.
Two are better than one.
My wife and I purchased iPhones and we communicate with one another in tips on how to use them ,lol.
Find something that both can help each other with and let him know he is your hero . I know that sounds dorky but if you would try this and see how it works as a man I know when my wife makes me feel that I can fix anything with her words .
Now another thing choose your battle something's are not worth the trouble .
It will not cause you to loose your life if by some chance he is cheating .
There is an clip of Media giving council to a young man about relationships gone bad .
YouTube clip some one sent me in face book.
It's worth watching.
Life is to short to be unhappy please don't be dependent on another person to make you complete . We live in a broken world and we all are very short .

Prayer is the only way to have peace of mind . It something no one can take away from you .

I do not feel that you are wrong in believing that she is not the right person to go to for relationship advice. Actually that's a very valid line that has been crossed/breached. 1) she's an ex. 2) she's opposite gender.

Red flags! What you describe reminds me very much of the early days of my marriage----and the problems resurfaced periodically throughout 20yrs....
One thing a good friend noted, and she loved and knew both of us, was "The healthier you get, the worse it gets.". (and once, long ago, my ex had woken one night, I had just graduated from nursing school, --another disruption for him---and I said "I am happy I want you to be happy for me"...it was the first time I saw him acting depressed, and he said "I hope I don't need you to be ****ed up for me to feel OK"---rolled over and slept.
He didn't recall saying that/refer to it again, and I was the one designated with 'problems'.
Years later, after the birth of our son, (ten years on) he said, out of the blue, "I don't know why I treated you so bad all those years"---again, forgotten, backtracked, I the problem...and in the end it fell apart. I had to get out. The kids are grown now and well, I have a grandson, but I also lost a big part of my life. My ex's ex was also the person he would call....and later, women he worked with......
sorry for the long response but I think you should feel confident about yourself. And, you might want to separate for a period of time to step back and take another look.
I did have problems, when we met I discouraged the relationship because of this, he persisted, then, as if once there, ....maybe this isn't relevant at all...but I won't delete...

We have friends that are all married and have been married for some time now, at least 5 years for all of them I believe. They have their problems but I know that any of them would be willing to talk to us. I've also thought maybe we should seek some professional help that way we can actually learn how to communicate with one another.

We have a lot of things we like to do, like playing computer games for example. We even have a game that we play together but the server is all messed up so we haven't gotten to for a while. But we still have a lot of other things we enjoy doing together. I know I'm in this for the long run and I do believe he is too. Lately, we've both been a little frustrated and unhappy...but he isn't telling me this stuff. I know he wouldn't really cheat but it makes me uncomfortable to know his ex is being told about our problems and about me. Plus it really bothers me that he hasn't said anything about it at all and I guarantee if I checked his phone- the messages and calls would be deleted. No record of it.

Thank you for your response though, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I really didn't think I was though. One of his closest friends is a woman and she's been with his best friend for a very long time. High school sweethearts and all. These two are the ones that lived with him. I know for a fact that they've known him longer and I would prefer he talk to her about it because she knows him really well and she also at least knows me and would be able to give good counsel.

You're not the first to suggest a separation. My best friend did the other day and she knows everything that has ever happened, both good and bad. There's less bad, but the stuff that is really is awful sometimes. Thankfully he's in a more male dominated career (works for the railroad) and the women he does work with are not likely to be his type anyways. I know he's the type to try and make plans with female friends I don't know without telling me. I got lucky when he left his facebook open one day on my laptop. And they're people he went to high school with. That threw up a red flag for me there and he still has never mentioned anything about that. I don't think it would have been bad and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt there. Plus it never even happened, it was just mentioned. This had happened early on in our relationship and I found out this past summer. I will say that I won't do a separation. It's been almost two years now, we have a house and we have cats. Even if I did consider it, it would be a difficult situation to figure out. I just really think we could benefit from couples counseling and have mentioned to him that if things get bad we aren't throwing in the towel. He's said he would do it and I hope he stays true to that.

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out with you and your husband, though. It's always sad to hear that, but I do understand that it just can't always be fixed. I really appreciate your input, especially going through some similar experiences. He's gone a lot for work so I usually have a lot of time to think about everything then.

I hear you about your preference with someone that he has not been romantically involved with to talk with.

At the same time, once involved for even as long as you have been, the need for feedback needn't be as much. Me, personally, after being with someone for several years, if it can't be handled directly with me it doesn't belong elsewhere.

I always say, listen to your gut instinct.

If you smell a rat, there sometimes is ...

Here's the catch. You obtained his texts underhandedly (rightfully so!) ... so how do you bring up the fact that you know about them?

He is out of line and should under no circumstances be discussing your relationship issues with his ex - it is absolutely none of her business.

You could try ask him, "Who do you speak to when we have problems xyz. I've spoken to my best friend _____ about seeking a job / my previous job issue as well as you."

See if he brings her name up. If he doesn't you have the option to tell him you know - but be warned that is not going to go down well and likely would have consequences.

I actually think this is a really great idea. I thought about using my friend and saying she met someone and decided to talk about this person with her ex and tell him from there how I feel and see if he brings it up. I worry this could backfire and make him turn away. But it just really bothers me knowing that she is now involved in our issues and it's just not right. Especially when I know he would be upset if I involved my ex.

My issue now just lies in figuring out how to bring it up without telling him. I have done this once before (just checked messages because he had been ignoring me all morning) and told him. It didn't go very well and he was really upset so I want to avoid saying it this time. But he had been ignoring me to help her with issues involving her family life and needing advice from him for some reason as he knew who these people were (so I guess her friends don't?). He's been home for a little while now and still hasn't said anything.

I understand what you're saying. That's why it bothers me, he should have just told me. Especially after I have tried multiple times to figure out what's wrong and he just tells me nothing and then goes to her. Like I said in my original post, I continued to ask him even after he spoke with her and still nothing. He did apologize to me the other day (after rushing off the phone to call her real fast). I really would just prefer that if he needed to seek advice outside of our relationship then he should have called someone else.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.