Online dating and insecurity

Im considering using eharmony. I don't have a job and feel somewhat self conscious about that. Should I be? Something tells me, the right guy will be ok w it. It's something I'm working up to. I'm not even sure about online dating. I usually find my thoughts wandering towards it when I'm lonely. I know for sure I won't do the free sites again. Too many weirdos. but yeah...

I dunno, starssky..I"m thinking about eHarmony too...maybe I'll try it just to try it.

Starsysky, I don't even know if you're male or female, but my exp with online dating was not good. Most of the men I met were looking for a caregiver, i.e., paycheck. Sorry to tell you this, but if you're unemployed, I doubt you'll meet many, if any, who follow thru on a relationship. If they're just looking for sex, then, yeah, they'll want to meet you. Be careful.

My advice, for the little it's worth, is to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Be very discerning of people you meet online. Discernment is a skill of listening to your inner voice. Hard for some of us since we are vulnerable, especially if someone is charming and expresses interest online.

Don't!

That site is a huge scam and timewaster.

LOL, yeah, well I met a man thru eHarmony. A truck drive who did psychic readings over the phone. What a phony, and he was really looking for someone to supplement his income since he had three adolescents to support. This was my "match" with eHarmony. Waste of time and money.

Seesaw, I saw that you are having a tough time with online dating. I'm really sorry about that. I didn't read your whole thread though. It seems like its not uncommon for women to have a harder time dating than men. I've heard there's more women than men in the population, and to be honest and not bias at all (being sarcastic here) I hear men are less likely to be self actualized. They are less likely to get help for their issues if they even acknowledge them at all. Sorry to any guys here. Its just what I've heard and experienced as a woman.

Seeker, I'm a female. And while I find your observation discouraging, I'm wondering if it might be true. Men honestly seem more superficial than women in terms of the entire outward appearance sort of thing, including the "So what do you do?" question. And yeah, I'm looking for a partner in life, not a sex hook up, which I have also noticed, a lot of men go on there for that. Thanks for telling me to take care of myself first. I do. It's always good to hear that though.

Artchic, why do you say that? I will probably agree with you but just wondering.

Just a little about the "better" guys I've dated on OkCupid. One guy getting his Phd, was a self proclaimed "slut." When I told him I wouldn't have sex with him because it's not how I work (randomly hooking up), he got really mad and accused me of slut shaming him. I consider him "better" because we were friends first on there and he seemed decent until we started dating.

Another guy i actually dated for 3 whole weeks. It went too fast for me though. He considered our first meeting a date, even though I told him I didn't. He also like, proclaimed his intense like for me on said "Date." One time I asked him what he liked about me and he was like, "the main thing i really like about you is that you're driven to change yourself." WHAT??? lol. Man, the future me must be really great and he must be a psychic? lol. When we broke up he was really immature and tried (and succeeded) to hurt me. :-O

Man, I can't believe THESE were the *better* guys. Mainly the crappy guys just wanted sex.

Last better guy, I dated a while ago. He really was a good guy. I liked him but I wasn't sure if he liked me. I was kind of immature at the time and things ended weird.

If I get anything out of what I just wrote it's that I deserve better. We all do. and it's ok to be a woman and not date and be frustrated about that. But you don't have to either be in a relationship or be frustrated. I think there's a happier medium. I really do. It involves making the world a better place. It involves taking care of yourself. It involves joy and connection and feeling good about yourself. I really do get frustrated sometimes! But It's cool.

There are some hidden gems on the dating sites though! I met the love of my life on Plenty of Fish. After a weekend of getting hit on by perverts, I was matched with my now-boyfriend. We met up that week and it was just great. Some goodness can come out of using a dating site if you can get past the perverts. It's wholy possible!

I no longer try the online dating. I'm older, and no longer feel the need for a partner, but for many years, after an 20 year unhappy marriage, I thought I'd meet "Mr. Right." As I said before, maybe in another thread, "I could write a book!" I've always prided myself in being able to take care of myself, financially. I spent the whole marriage struggling against a man who told me he'd put me "out on the street" with nothing, including our daughter if I tried to leave. I only left when she went away to college. At which time, he pleaded that he "loved me."

I know, I was really vulnerable. I think many women who go on the dating sites are so. I had high hopes. I spent a lot of emotional (and financial) time with such men. I almost lost everything, my home and my income to one narcissist. I had sold my house when he told me he could contribute nothing, and he was under investigation for back taxes and unpaid child support. When I notified the realtor that I would not sell my house, I never heard from the "significant other" again!

That was just one example. I met a man for dinner who seemed okay, but I felt something was odd. I searched for profile on other dating sites and found him on "Adult Friend Finder," where men post pics of the genitals, looking for sexual hookups. (I recommend search all the dating sites!)

Then there was the fella who, after I said goodnight, after one meeting, and because I didn't invite him in for sex, messaged me that he was cutting up a body in his bathtub.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of my online dating experiences. As I said before, I could write a book!

Be careful!

At one point eharmony wouldn't allow you on their site if you were not employed. Is it still like this? It kind of felt like a slap to the face to anyone who has the misfortune of being disabled. Then again, I don't think anyone would want to date someone with a profile like mine (having to disclose a disability and struggles with being employed <by someone else>). Funny though, I'm on a friend type site and I can't tell you how many people have messaged me just to say that I have the best profile on the whole site---leave out ONE factor and I'm awesome?!? It sucks that I have a "do not pass go, do not collect $200" factor that makes me completely undesirable. Its like the damn childhood r*pes never stop giving me fun, huh?

I'm disabled so that knocks me out of the running. I am building my own business, but it will be awhile before I can actually say I'm "employed" I suppose.

Goden waves, I really do think that the right guy won't care. Whether its online or real life. Don't let this thread get you down.

I don't think more loser men (or women) come to online dating than in real life. I think that your chance at finding someone to date is difficult no matter where you go. After all, is it really more likely that the guy or gal is a great match by meeting in a bar, mall, other public place than it is online? You know just as little if not less than you do with someone that presents a profile up front. Sure they can be lying in their profile but just the same someone can pretend to be something they are not in real life too.

It is true that Online dating in general presents its own unique problems that are due to the nature of the online world but it's neither worse nor better, just different.

I think that trying out different dating sites isn't necessarily that one is better than the other so much as at any point in time, there are always fewer good men and women to meet than their are those that have less than pure motives. It's a matter of patience in either case RL or Online.

I apologize, Starssky, for my negativity. People DO meet life partners on the dating sites. It's good that you take care of yourself.

I haven't done online dating Starrysky (last time I was single the internet wasn't invented lol) but my sister met her partner of 8 years via that method. At the time she was unemployed having just graduated (as mature student), he had a great job - today the situation is reversed (he got redundancy from his great job, she's got ft work). The right person does not put too much store on what you do for a living in my experience - they are interested in who you are not what you do.

Good luck to you, my advice would be to keep good boundaries - don't get too invested until you really feel sure of a person, and most of all know your own worth - walk on by from any bad treatment.

POF won't let me put a profile on there site anymore. I emailed their customer service and got no response back. They are terrible.

Did you do something to break the rules?

(Not like there aren't a million other people breaking the rules who get away with it all the time, but yeah...)

I am pretty sure that still applies, it's not just eharmony, most of the paid sites have a similar stipulations.

Artchic, what are you putting on your profiles,because you seem to have a lot of issues with the subscription sites.

I mean not in detail, I am just wondering if there is something specific. Just a thought. There might be a trip up question,.Maybe someone could check your profile over.

Anyway I am not the person to ask, just a thought.

This is why I tell people a premature exit is my ultimate plan. I think they think I'm joking but I'm not. Who wants to live a life alone? Not me.

Honestly people, why blaming the entire insitution for your personal bad experience? It's like if you met a jerk at the church would you blame Christianity for your lack of luck?

If you repeatedly meet jerks, then maybe it needs to be explored why, there might be a reason you attracting jerks. Or it's just bad luck and you might need to spend more time on it etc but I don't see why is it online dating fault? These are not some people cooked up in cyber world, these are same people you might meet in the real world. You just have more options

Also if you were matched up or contacted by a wrong match or an idiot. It doesn't mean you must date that person. You have to exercise your own judgement. It's not websites fault that we end up dating wrong people

I dated plenty of wrong people in my life. It never occurred to me to blame anyone.

Some people might not care if others don't work, but I believe most people would if they are looking for serious relationship or marriage.

I don't think it's being judgemental. Just being realistic. Living with someone who doesn't work would mean for me that I'd have to support him. I have nice job and I make decent money but not enough to support another adult. If I had extra money I'd rather give it to my daughter or my nephews and nice.

I wouldn't take on a strange man to support. I'd rather stay single. My husband was married to a woman who never worked, he always struggled, ended up in bankruptcy and she still
wouldnt work, he now pays spousal support etc when he first decided to start dating after divorce he knew he wouldn't never date a woman who doesn't work. He wouldn't repeat this craziness.

Now if someone is too disabled to work and they are on disability, and maybe work part time, then it's different. It's an income even if low. But unfortunately I see s lot of people who say they are disabled and can't work yet they aren't on disability and live off others, then it's different.

And potential bf/gf night think "if I start dating them I'll end up supporting them".

I believe if one is truly too unwell to work they need to be on disability

I just signed up for a free dating service too and my phone is going crazy. I'm financially secure and don't work and I'm not thinking about supporting a man. I did that with my last boyfriend and well, forget that again. So I will have to be careful of users. I want a man with a good job or financially independent.

@starrysky: Not working at the moment doesn't mean there is nothing you can contribute of. Relationships aren't a financial project as societies want us to make them, they are a personal growth place. Maybe this is irrelevant, but I didn't get married before I traveled abroad to get my PhD because I was thinking that I must be ready and financially independent when I get married, but looking back I think I made a mistake. At my mid 30s, and after a couple of years after finishing my PhD, I'm still not ready and financially insecure because I don't have a stable job (currently not working). Probably I will have to wait another 2-3 years to be financially secure. This means that I have to wait until I'm close to 40 to get into a relationship if ever!! We could've grown and progressed personally and financially together if the chemistry and connection was there. I wouldn't want someone to value me through my job or how much money I make. What if I lost the job suddenly for whatever reason? Would that mean I have no value any more?!! I would say go for it and explore your opportunities. Good luck

I don't know , should you be self conscious about it?. There are all sorts of reasons why someone may not have a job. If you have valid reasons then I wouldn't put yourself down over it. I haven't worked since 2000 (I'm nearly 61). My reasons? A .. I spent years caring for my mum B After she died I couldn't find a job I wanted to do and C I'm financially OK. Sure if I need to work to pay the bills I would, even if it meant stacking shelves. I'm out every day at the sports centre to lose weight and get fit and I've done voluntary work so I don't think I'm a slacker. If you're not either then you should feel good about yourself and confidant amongst other people. It's their problem then if they judge you.

Let people vent, as that is their right. You have not had the same misfortunes so your criticism isn't taken as something from a place of caring and consideration, its taken from a place of being a bit cruel IMHO.