Good or bad idea: Rekindling an old flame...

In September 2015, I started dating again after being single for a long time. I started with a mobile app and soon became intrigued by online dating. I met a fella online who was from the same state as me and as it turned out, we attended the same high school, graduated 1 year apart, knew the same people and worked for the same restaurant. We're both into politics, music and food. He was so fun to be around and I felt so happy with him. At that point, he was perfect on paper.

When we met, I was smitten. He was the first guy at the time, who helped my heart heal from a previous breakup two years prior. Needless to say, we talked for hours and set up a second date at the end of the first.

Then a third date came, a fourth and a fifth and soon things were taking off. It's crazy to think about but we had so much fun together and we had so much in common that I could see something long term, possibly marriage. I was drawn to his intelligence, his poise, kindness, values, work ethic, charismatic and playful personality, humility and love for the people in his life. The best part was that he came from a very good and stable family. Every person in his family was successful in their career, something I admired.

Then, after a month, things got quiet. He's not much of a texter, which he admitted to me, so I knew that. It was the fact that I was taking the initiative the majority of the time and thought he was just uninterested after long periods of not talking. I was nice about it at first. Then I got fed up with not hearing from him for long periods of time (a few days to a whole week). He was so hard to get ahold of and I didn't know what to do.

I cracked. I felt crazy. I called him out on his behavior and told him he was being rude and I was frustrated by the lack of communication. What was going on that was so important? He insisted on being extremely busy with work and I knew he was not seeing anyone else. He was studying to be a CFP Certified Financial Planner - a very worthy goal indeed. But it seemed like that was all he had time for. I was also and still am pursuing my Master's and working full time, so I didn't buy his explanation. Anyway, fast forward, I finally got to see him in person and we talked about it. I was looking past his behavior and focusing on how much I liked him in spite of how he was acting. Honestly, I felt so crushed but we decided mutually to stay friends. He admitted that he wasn't ready and couldn't give me what I wanted. I admitted that I really liked him (while shaking and on the verge of crying), and I wanted to be with him.

From that point on, I didn't talk to him ever again but I couldn't shake him. I thought about him from time to time, and now fast forward to this week. After a year of dating other people, living life and switching careers, I still think of him and how he made me feel in those moments. I'd gotten over how mad I was and forgave him. So I texted him out of the blue this Monday to see if he would want to catch up and if he even remembered me. He texted back right away and asked me how he could ever forget. He has since moved back to our hometown and lives closer to his family. While I don't expect to generate anything from our short conversation, I want to know your opinion. Was this a good idea? I wonder if things have changed within the last year and if there could be something between us now. Should I move on? 😔😯

Yeah why not.

I say go for it and good luck!!!

My bf and I split up for a year and got back together, anything is possible.

Catch up and see where it leads.

The familiarity of an old love makes for an easy relationship. Just tread carefully.

Sounds reasonable to me.

I texted him hoping for something more, but now that I think about it... probably not going to happen. I don't think my reaching out made him think differently at all.

No. If he lost interest after a month he's just not that interested. It's not like you had a long-term relationship that ended because of a specific conflict that has now been resolved. The problem was that he never became interested enough to enter a relationship in the first place. If someone is interested, they will make time!

I think that you did well to reach out to him. If it does not happen, you can know that you tried. You won't have to wonder. You won't have reason to criticize or doubt yourself for what you might have done or should have done.

Instead, you can congratulate yourself on having the courage to try. That courage will serve you in good stead. And you will have learned something from the experience that you can apply in the future.

I'm kicking myself because I shouldn't have reached out. I even went so far by looking at photos of him on social media through friends of his. He doesn't have social media. Sigh.

I just feel incredibly sad and stupid. Arrrrgh. Bringing back unwanted memories. I won't be texting him anymore.

Wait... Why if he "could never forget" did he not reach out to you upon his return to your hometown?

Because he doesn't care?

Because they had confrontation, which made him uncomfortable. You were aggressive with him. I suspect that's why he doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

Don't beat yourself up. Lesson learned.

What can I do? I try so hard to move on. But I opened up this door of communication and he won't lose sleep over me.

Some things just are what they are. We just accept it because in REALITY there is no other choice.

When I think about him, I think about high school and how badly I wanted to fit in with the popular, cool crowd. These are the people who have a lot of money, yet worked hard. They were labeled the 'rich white' kids. Their parents are career-driven, successful and educated. I find myself wanting that still today at 27 years old. It is strange to hear and I've come to accept it in my mind but I haven't told anyone except you all. I think I'm obsessed with those people that I can't be. These people have something that I want, but I don't know what it is. Basically, all my life I wanted to be in the same class and social circle. I want to be accepted by these people by being 'equal' to them in some way either socially or economically so I pursued higher education and now my MA. But I know I won't be physically equal since I am part Asian.

Sigh..

I was getting the impression from him that he didn't want a girlfriend at the time and that maybe he would want to start over. It's tough.

Hi rukspc

Firstly, although I'm sure you've heard this before..........from the heart.........a persons true worth/value should never be based on skin colour, economic status, social status, job, health etc, etc, etc............it just shouldn't be...........everyone can be special in their own way, no matter what discrimination is out there. So please don't compare yourself, please don't let any of that make you feel "less than"

And...........I've got to agree with Bill, although it may be hard to feel now...........it did take great courage and bravery to reach out, it takes a real strong person to do that and hopefully it might allieviate some of the "what if's" which might have come up in the future..........as in "Why didn't I just pick up the phone and......??".
So while it might really hurt now...........you could have saved yourself months........years..........in the future of...........so honestly please congratulate yourself and your strength on that

And maybe some of the hurt you're feeling is about your self esteem?? Your negatively comparing yourself to others making the "rejection" feel even worse??
BUT you deserve more than wanting someone who can't/isn't giving you what you want/need, if he isn't "stepping up to the mark" then that's his failure it doesn't need to say anything about you as a person.
It mainly fell apart because he couldn't completely commit........you were trying.........but...........and if he can't commit now...........you deserve more than that.........so please try not to loose any (much?) sleep over him

Alison

It sounds like he represents something you idealized.

^What Alison said, ditto.

Hi! I'm sorry for all of this you are going through. As was mentioned before, it appears that he wasn't interested from the begining. I'm not sure if contacting him again was a good idea or not, but you said you contacted him before you wrote your original post, and your later posts suggested he hasn't shown interest (again). If this is the case, what is done is done. Process it, accept it, and move on. You deserve someone who is interested. Who sees your uniquness. Time has this mysterious effect of healing you. It will take you through these stages. I also would suggest to embrace yourself with all of your differences. Don't compare yourself with others. You are unique. You are capable. We're all one race. It's called homo sapiens. Good luck

I can seriously relate to you even though I am a much older generation. My parents were lower middle class or maybe upper lower class but they had no friends & werent truly accepted anywhere though I think my Dad's arguing about things he knew nothing about was a huge part of that....just something I have only realized a few years ago long after they both have died. They were white...German /Irish background. I was so determined that their issues were their lack of education & I wanted to be NOTHING LIKE THEM so I was determined to get my BS & ended up with a career in computer design engineering started back before PC's were even built..started my career in the late 70's.

Its interesting you should comment how you feel being part Asian will never let you into their same class because even with my growing up in the 50's & 60's the Asians were always equal & NEVER treated any different in Calif. where I was born & raised. No idea how other parts of the country were. The asians I worked in my career with we were ALL one team. No one looked at nationality or anything we just ALL worked together as one unit.

Im not sure if youhave actually been treated differently because of yoyr nationality or if its something yiu perceive is happening but in reality may not happen.

I know what it is to work hard to be accepted. The interesting thing, after my career collapsed I moved to a whole different area of the country where I have finally been accepted for who I am, not WHAT I am, what I can do. It has been the most amazing feel to be accepted in the small community for just being ME.....

Just remember to be yourself & let people know that YOU & you will be accepted. No one I kniw looks at nationality these days from my personal experience & in our little community we have many different nationalities that are all treated & accepted as equal

We haven't talked since last Monday but I take it as he is not much of a texted unless it's about concrete plans to meet up. I haven't been able to sleep well the past few nights because he is still very heavy on my mind, replaying every scenario those few months we dated and what I did wrong. I don't tell people because I don't want to be judged.

Thanks eskielover. A lot of my insecurity comes from not embracing my differences and wanting to be someone I'm not. I don't know why I feel this way. It just feels like I can't measure up to the white girl in looks so I forge a path another way. I go for education and try to build my status.

I'm not rich. I am a teacher and we don't make much either.

I feel like you have been very honest with him. You have given him chance after chance to step up and be a friend, if nothing more. He has dropped the ball completely. I would advise that you let go. You seem like a sincere, hardworking, wonderful person. Respect yourself enough to not reach out again.

If you're tempted, write a letter to yourself. Don't mail it to him. In fact, start a blog online, and keep it private. Write out your feelings. Just don't reach out to this one again. He showed you outward charm and he was thrilling, but he has not followed through in any way. Allow him to go. You don't need to text him and tell him these things. Just open your hand and let him go, and realize to yourself that he was not what you need in your life.

The idea of him you like, but the real him you do not. He really wasn't very nice to you. Keep on your path. Keep your eyes open and don't stop looking for a good person. Just know that this one is not a good person to you or for you. You deserve better. Think about deleting his number, so you aren't tempted to contact him again. Take care of you, because you matter.