I know what I want romance-wise.

I was struggling earlier with what I wanted romance wise. Then I figured it all out. I know now that I want the serious relationship without all that lead up to it nonsense. I don't want to go on countless first dates. I just want the games to be over with. Some say the chase is half the fun, well I call it bullshyte time wasting nonsense.

You see, I feel that my patience has run too thin to go out again and again and again and again and again and again, all first dates, all last dates, with nothing to show for it. No. Never again.

Is there such a thing as a relationship without all that fluffed up pre-relationship time waster stuff? Is there even a way to get that all off the table and just be serious right off the bat?

Depends very much on the personality of both people in my experience.

My only serious relationship (22 years in) was quite serious and intense quite quickly (we had known each other casually as friends for 6 months before but not much in the way of 'dating'). It worked for us.

I've had three serious relationships in my lifetime, and I never was one to go out on "dates."

The first two really just started out as friendships. We got to know each other through involvement in common activities, and the friendships just sort of organically evolved into serious commitment. I dated both of those individuals for several years. Eventually we moved on for various reasons. While we were very devoted to each other, we knew we really weren't meant for marriage. We parted well, without drama.

My husband was quite different. I was aware of him through church, but we didn't really know each other. One day he just blurted out a request for a date. So yes, there was a first day; however, he was my last first date. We knew fairly immediately that we were serious about each other, and within a month we were engaged. Next month is our 30th wedding anniversary. I guess it was as close to love at first sight as can be. I think my husband was much more sure about that from the beginning than I was, but it has been lasting. (He claims he told his cousin he was going to marry me before we had even met. True, that sounds about creepy if you don't know our story - the running joke in our house is that my kids say "Dad was a stalker" - but he just knew.)

My parents were very similar. My dad was in the Air Force and met my mother when he went home with a buddy during Christmas leave. Apparently my father fell in love with my mother right away, and once a month for the next four months when he had his monthly weekend leave, he hitchhiked from Dover, Delaware, to Lockport, New York, to see my mother. Mom says that on the 5th month, he seemed nervous and she figured he was building up the courage to ask her to go steady (this was 1951). She was wrong; he asked her to marry her that weekend -- after literally having only spent about 8 days with her. They will celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary next October.

Not sure why things have worked that way for me or for my parents. I think I have always been very selective about who I spend my time with. I choose quality individuals through involvement in quality organizations and activities. These were people met through church, music organizations, common trustworthy friends who share similar values and interests. I think who and where you spend your time certainly impacts exposure to people who have shared values, similar personalities, similar life goals. If I had spent my time at clubs or partying, that's who I would have been exposed to, but I doubt the relationships that would have come out of that kind of environment would have worked at all for me; that just isn't who I really am.

There are "steps" that a person should take before getting involved in a relationship, steps for SELF first.

The steps are first to figure out who "you" are as a person and that won't happen until you get an education and find out what "you" would do best in and become self sufficient. Then, it's important to get one's own place and learn how to be "self" sufficient for a while. This is important in that you will "always" know you "can" be self sufficient if you need to. This is important so that you don't end up staying in a toxic relationship simply because you are dependent and don't have any experience with being on your own. Going from being dependent on parents right into a relationship that also entails dependency is not giving "self" a chance to grow and be independent "first".

When my daughter started college and I sat in a meeting for parents, the speaker talked about how the first year is "scary" and often these young students want to run back home, "don't let them" because they need to get used to being on their own and a lot of students try to go home. They need to learn to adjust and they "do" get over that initial fear and eventually do adjust.

It's important to understand that we all learn by "doing". It's not looking at how something is done, it's actually "doing it" that matters when it comes to "gaining".

A lot of individuals make the mistake of getting into a relationship where they go from home to existing away from home but with someone else. When they do that they experience "growth" and it's not unusual for a person to get to a point where they have grown by doing only to look at their partner and no longer want to be "with" that partner because they have outgrown that partner, this can happen with either partner, or both in the relationship.

To sit at a young age and think about "what is desired" in a partner without taking the steps to "learn" how to do life more independently, is not going to actually be fair to self in determining what would really be a good long term partner.

For example, I spent years teaching young children how to ride horses. They all talked about wanting a horse/pony of their own and what it should look like. However, unless one actually takes the time to experience "riding" and especially riding different ponies and horses, that individual is not going to actually know "what" kind of horse or pony would actually be best suited for them. Not only that but if a person doesn't spend any time actually taking care of these animals, they won't know if they actually want to do all that work in caring for these animals, and it's also expensive.

Also, if you have this idea of what "you" want in someone, what are "you" bringing to the table? This could be part of not getting past the first date. However, finding the right person for a relationship is not so easy, you are not alone in struggling to find the right partner.

Trusting what the other is saying when you ask questions is the hard thing. They can tell you want to hear.Have you ever had a relationship that lasted forever. No obviously .Have you ever had a awesome relationship and want that back in your life?

You must get to know the person first to know what you are getting. There is no short cut.

There are isolated men in Alaska who will import you as a bride. I don't see you doing that. What kind of man will he be? You just don't know him, 'till you know him.

Maybe you need to select your dates more carefully, to weed out the not promising ones before they begin.

Well, considering I rarely even get an interest, let alone a date, weeding them out seems counterproductive. I'll try it though.

But the whole "chase" thing is sooooooo boring and full of too many dead ends.....

(No platitudes please)

I do appreciate the well thought out and written reply, BUT, and there's a huge but, you needn't be living on your own to win a guy over. That's just not a requirement. Sure, I can see where it may be helpful to some, don't get me wrong, but it's not for me at the moment. My dad just got laid off of his job, so the family is focusing on getting through that first.

As for what I bring to the "table", I am smart, funny, charming, and great with animals.

Actually, I was not really trying to emphasize that living on one's own was part of what is required to find a guy/male partner or any partner. It's more about "self" and learning about "self" first.

My daughter is around the same age as you and she "did" live on her own for a while and still does actually and I have heard her telling others that looking back it was "important' for her own development. It's hard to find a good match, my daughter has not found "Mr. Right" yet either. She was in a toxic relationship for too long and because she did know she could live on her own she was able to leave. She continues to establish "self" and that has helped a lot and she has found that what she wants has changed a lot because she has grown a lot too.

You love the arts, what about taking some classes where you might meet someone who is also into the arts?

Do they still have that alaska matchup thing going? With climate change, maybe its not as cold up there. And as long as they have internet...

I would look into it if i were younger.

I would love to take that, but with money being as tight as it is with Dad being laid off, such things are on the back burner until he gets a new job again.

Well, here is something you could sit and think about Artchic. But, this is something just for you and it's about being open minded and honest with "self".

Ask yourself if you have wants but tend to "I want this but I can't because of this person or that person so I have to wait until that person gets better or more capable". Think about how you spend your time and forget about me and my opinion or what I am saying or if I am being critical of you, instead think about what your environment actually is and your part in it and your sensitivity within that environment.

You are "not" a stupid person and you are also VERY creative and artistic. Have you ever capitalized on that? Do you cultivate that? Part of "learning" how to be that way is to be around others that "cultivate" and learn to be productive with their seeds of creativity.

When I was around your age my husband got together with partners and opened up a restaurant. The money was VERY tight and when they were cleaning out the restaurant they had several model ships piled up to go in the garbage. I put them in my car and brought them home and set out to repair them and paint them. I figured out how to replace the broken strings and painted all the canvas sails and touched up the body of the ships that were old and dusty and dingy looking. They ended up coming out really nice and we used them as decorations. Now, these ships were going to be thrown out, that is how others saw them. Ironically, when we ended up selling that restaurant there was a battle over those damn ships and they suddenly wanted them. Well, that is how a lot of people "are" Artchic, they see things as trash until someone who is artistic takes what is only seen as trash and shows how it's not trash.

When you have the seed of creativity it's important to expose one's self to different ways of cultivating that creativity. I knew a woman who went to toll painting classes and got really good at it, she ended up setting up a place in her home to teach toll painting and made money doing that. She did not "wait" for anyone to present her with that opportunity, she just went ahead and did it and worked around being a mom and made money for herself. I met a woman who learned all about tile, she ended up making her own tile, would even do murals of tile and ended up doing customized tile work for very wealthy people. She was also a realtor and that helped her network that exposed her to these wealthy clients.

One day I visited a place that was a bunch of shops that were all owned or operated by different artisans. I went to one shop where a woman sold all kinds of wreaths and she made a lot of beautiful bows. I watched her make these bows. Just learning and experimenting with that opened doors for me to actually make money and also find my own ways of using bows. That knowledge came in VERY handy when it came time to decorating that restaurant for the holidays. AND, I also had a small spot where I sold bows I had made for people who wanted to use them to decorate their own trees and doors. I was not only resourceful, but I ended up taking something I had learned and made extra money at it.

From what I have read of your venting I am seeing a creative young woman who is in environment where she is being encouraged to be an enabler. You are waiting for your father, waiting for your older brother whom you have been encouraged to clean up after when he drinks to much and gets sick in the bathroom, and waiting for your mother who is herself an enabler. Idk, it just seems like you are waiting to find an online connection to rescue you out of that life. What worries me about that is that from what you have vented it seems like the one thing you have been taught (unknowingly) is how to enable. You are the "lady in waiting".

And I don't think you will get what "you" need online either because I suspect that you are more of a person who is visually stimulated. People like that end up doing things that are creative like working in a florist shop, or like that woman I came across that did so much with bows or another woman who ended up getting into designing tile or that other woman who found out she did well in toll painting. I have met women that found out they "loved" taking old furniture and white washing it and stenciling and repurposing it. Or, a woman who took some upholstery classes and ended up picking up pieces of old furniture and making new cushions and making what many tossed out into pieces of furniture that she fixed up and re-purposed into staging and started her own staging business for realtors.

Some people actually utilize the free classes that Home Depot provides to learn how to tile. Some have learned how to do that, do it for others, have even met men that do other work in home repairs and remodeling and "bingo" there is something "there" to build on as they are both "visuals" and use that ability to make a living.

If you are a creative individual, that's a seed and it's important to expose "self" to different kinds of mediums until something actually "clicks" for you.

Your dad is not the one who should be paying for you to live on your own or pursued your career interests. That is a responsibility you have to take on yourself. Your dad isn't standing in the way of your independence. Him giving you more money would actually be making you more dependent on him, not independent. I know it's hard, but you have to take responsibility for yourself. We all know that you're smart and you have talents; you just have to figure out how you want to apply them.

It also sounds like you're confusing "the chase" or "game playing" with a lack of interest or connection. If a guy stops communicating with you, it's not that they are waiting to be chased-- they've simply decided it's not a match and moved on. When a guy feels the connection and wants to pursue something, he will. Maybe it's worth considering whether your desire to move too fast has to do with feeling desperate. It's really hard to find the "right" person if you feel like anyone will do. You're not being picky enough and guys will sense that. If you really value yourself and what you bring to the table, that will come across.

You've also mentioned that you have no friends. That may have something to do with not connecting with the guys either.

Growing up, I always had at least one very close friend. This carried over into having boyfriends. It came very naturally.

There's some ol' miner 49er waiting for YOU!

How does one "fix" the connection issue?

Reflect on your past friendships. How have you been with friends? Do you know how to be a friend?

I know you've mentioned one guy you were intimate with. Was he a friend? How did that go?

Do you not connect at all? Do you connect with friends, but have a falling out quickly?

Relationships with men (love) is very similar to any friendship.

Looking at your past patterns is a good place to start thinking about what is working and what needs to improve.

Well, my last friendship ended when I unintentionally embarrassed her in a Victoria Secret's store.

You see, it all relates to back when I was doing group therapy, on a horse ranch of all places (something to do with using the horses in therapy I guess), some of the other girls got to talking about underwear one day. One of them said that they couldn't wear underwear with butts in them, only thongs. Something about the full underwear always riding up and causing wedgies so it's better to just have a permawedgie via a thong, I guess.

Anyways, fast forward a few years and I make a friend off the internet, we met up for some shopping at a mall, and she wanted to stop by the Victoria Secret's store. I wanted to make some light and casual banter, and had the mindset of wanting to help her shop, as I am a people pleaser in a way, so, looking back on the memory of that day in therapy where we all talked about underwear, I asked her if she wore thongs or the kind with butts in them.

Now, she was kind of prudish and conservative, and I honestly was completely unaware of how asking her about her underwear preference would be mortally embarrassing to her, or rather, how truly personal a question like that was in such a public setting, and I guess that really embarrassed her. I didn't get that until much later.

I guess I have no sense of discretion and just impulsively say what's on my mind. I never intentionally meant to embarrass her, nor knew that what I was doing was inappropriate. I have real trouble understanding that what may be appropriate for one situation, may not be appropriate for another similar, but different situation.

These kinds of situations happen every day and I'm completely unaware that what I am doing is inappropriate or embarrassing to others I'm with. Maybe my lack of knowing when to be discrete may be due to Aspergers. My mother thinks so. My cousin was formally diagnosed as an Aspie, and this runs deep in families and being that I'm a lot like him in behavior and social awkwardness, one can conclude I might be one too.

I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe if your friend was literally a nun, asking her if she wore thong underwear might be inappropriate. But your question seemed natural considering you were going into a lingerie store, shopping with her. That was certainly not any reason to defriend someone, IMO.

Tonight, I went to dinner with my gf's. One friend had a double mastectomy because she has the BRCA gene. We were looking at photos on the internet of nipple tattoos and talking about what she might like to get. Now that's personal!

What other friend experiences can you think of?

Oh, I've heard of women doing that. I don't think I have the BRCA gene, but since my aunt (dad's sister) had breast cancer, I might get tested for it someday. Either way, having a double mastectomy is a pretty hard decision to make. I guess one can always have implants put in so they don't have to go through life looking any different. Angelina Jolie looks fabulous after her double mastectomy and even had a complete hysterectomy done too. I'd probably feel like a gutted out fish or hollow shell if I were in her shoes, but she's every bit the woman and mother she was before.

Anyways, it's probably for the best that the aforementioned friend and I had a falling out. She started posting very conservative political rant filled things on Facebook before the election, and as I am very liberal, I felt I had no recourse but to unfollow her to maintain my sanity and keep my blood pressure down. I haven't heard from her since.

Back to my social awkwardness. I recall a situation in high school where I was in the middle of my "eating alone in the girls' bathroom stalls" period, when a girl approached me and said I could sit with her and her group of friends if I wanted. I guess she felt sorry for me. A kind gesture, to be sure, but one that led to some rather heartbreaking results. I started hanging out with them at lunch all the time and I guess I overstayed my welcome because the same girl eventually said, "Someone has to leave this group, and it's....(points finger around at various other friends as if deciding, and then points to me)...you." I knew she wasn't deciding at all when she paused, but rather made an elaborate show of making it seem that way. After that I resumed my eating in the bathrooms stalls routine at lunch, or hanging out in the library if it was an option.

That is so sad. It hurts just to hear that.

It sounds like you have not been connecting to any friends and don't really have any idea why.

I'm no expert on spectrum issues, so I don't know if that is your underlying cause.

Here you and I are having a conversation and connecting. We could easily be sitting together having lunch and being friends.

I've had people like me and dislike me. I usually know what I did or why those dislike me.

Have you been professionally diagnosed, Artchic?