Thinking of ending friendship

I've been thinking about this for a while, have not told her and probably wont until I make my mind and leave the friendship. She probably
thinks nothing is wrong at all.

Alright so she helped me at the beginning and have known her for 11 years through work, she found out I was thinking of not being around
anymore back in late August, helped me to the docs and had the best day of my life with her and been friends since. We last hung out
December 15th of last year, we hung out a few times before then aswell. Had 3 coffees, 1 dinner, 1 concert, 2 Doctor visits together
been trying to hang out with her since Dec but she never gives me the time of day anymore.

We text 1-2 times a week as a way to keep in touch, just for a minute or 2. She never calls me on her own? only way to talk to her on
the phone is if i text her if she wants to talk on the phone, then she text me she will after work (we got conflicting work schedules)
or if she's on a day off she calls me in the morning and we talk for 30-40 minutes once a month since i have problems with phoning
people thinking they will be annoyed if i phone them often. She hates when i dissapear from her life for a while, or if i try and take
a break and tell her i'll message her down the road.

I recently went crazy and had to book 5 weeks off work and i'm on my last week off, she agreed to hang out once again and backed out
because her daughters (18 years old) dance competition and her sister visiting, but it's literally impossible to have a coffee or a lunch
for 1 hour with her, it's been over 3 months! and once again she agreed to hang out! I was really looking forward to hanging out with her
a few times during the 5 weeks off work, i never see her anymore unless i go to her work, and i told her i only go to her work to see her
for some hangtime, she is a waitress. I dunno what to do anymore, i feel stuck...she text me we will talk soon so all i text i'll message
her in a few weeks, she told me we will talk before then but i know we wont because she only messages me if i message her.

I mean i'm not even worth 1 hour a month to her! it's kinda hard to feel like we are friends. It seems pretty obvious to me she's
not looking for a friendship, just to have someone to casually text even though she hates texting but she said twice to me to call or text her
anytime i want. When we talk we normally talk about her, but she's told me she wants me to be a compassionate person
and love everyone with no judgement (she's really spiritual).

She wants to have coffee with other guys at her old job but she said with me first because i'm pretty much the only one that
really stays much in contact with her. Weird thing was i told her anytime she needs someone to talk to i'm always here for her
and she liked that but then this happens. She also told me she's proud of me for going to therapy, but i'm going to be quitting
that soon and go back to drinking my sorrows away.

What should i do?

I don't think you should do anything to be honest.

I don't believe you're in the right frame of mind right now to be making rash decisions on ending friendships.

She has a life and has a lot on the go at the moment.

So perhaps she doesn't text you as often as you would like; but she still is making an effort.

She was there for her when you really needed her to be last year.

You've just had 5 weeks off work. Clearly you are unwell. Please don't do anything just yet.

My main thought would be to continue therapy and to not drink.

Then, speak to your therapist so as to figure out what to do about the friendship.

I told her i'll message her in a few weeks, she said she will talk to me before then (although i'll ignore her text if she sends me any which I doubt, she never texts me because she wants to it is always me having to text her, told her in a few weeks and I mean it). Before it was so simple? she would make time for a hangout? now since the Dec one she just says no and never schedules a "next time", she just says she's got too much going on on her days off. Can't even spare an hour? it's insulting! My first week off she said yes to a lunch, but turns out she lied again...so i'll message her back in a few weeks to try again, then when she says no i'll say a few weeks again, then i'll say a month, then when she says no i'll say peace out. What's the point in only texting 1-2 times a week for a minute or 2? even my therapist tells me to spend time with my friends once a week or more yet I can't even get 1 hour from her "busy" time. She aint busy, she just does not care about my friendship I been trying hard at.

I'm cancelling my session for Friday today, wont see them until near the end of next month. My choice, i'm hoping I will blow up again. I can get so depressed and angry it feels good and I don't want to get better and feel good because it feels so stupid and undeserving.

I think that is the best thing to do

It might be a good idea not to make that decision til you are back on your feet and talk to your therapist. Best wishes.

I quit therapy today. But I feel inside of me she would have at least made time in her busy schedule for me like she used to. She says call or text anytime I want, just not hang out like friends do. Therapy or no therapy I think it's time I said bye to her, never really felt much of a friendship anyway, not what I consider a friendship. Which is talking and hanging out with each other.

So I text her a month ago, just after I made this thread asking if we are ever going to hang out? or am I wanting more out of the friendship then she does? i been asking since Jan. Then a week later she asks me if we can have a coffee this week which is odd...i been asking since Jan for a coffee? and it took that text to get her to want to meet up? so we meet up and drink for an hour and tells me she's proud of me for donating 5 grand to save someones life and other stuff, all about what she's busy with, she shows me her new car and she wants to drive to the beach so we get to the parking lot and talk and sing in her car, get out and walk to the water and i fell 3 times down a hill in mud and got all muddy, she took a picture of the scenery. She drives me home, it's on her way home aswell and says she rather be outside active with people then in a bar. Text me it was good seeing me, tell her it's always great seeing her.

Not heard from her since, it's been 3 weeks. We used to text 1 MAYBE 2 times a week. Gave me her phone number back in Jan but only calls me when i ask if she wants to talk, she never calls because she wants to talk. Sure i COULD text her as it was mostly me doing it but i got a feeling that day was it for us, also got nothing to really talk about anymore so I figure i'd wait for her to text me, pretty sure i wont be hearing from her anymore. Think i'm going to use this silence as a hint and move on. What do you guys think?

What do you want to happen next in regard to her?

I wanna quit obsessing over the so called friendship I have built in my head which was caused due to my episode back in late August 2016 that caused me to be infatuated by her because she's the only person to ever help me out and care enough to bring me to the docs, or the hospital, to ask about my life. I'm much better in the feelings I have for her, already told her she means a lot to me due to her helping me out and she said it made her day. I want her to text me because she wants to continue keeping in touch, I want her to call me because she wants to call me, I want to hang out with her because she wants to hang out with me.

I'm sure it's best I just disappear for a long while. I'm sure i'll never get a hello text or a phone call from her so maybe it's better this way since I went back to therapy but that's a whole different thing for me. Maybe i'll message her before 2017 ends or sometime in 2018, but we been texting once or twice a week (used to be everyday for a few weeks back in Sept), back when I did text her last month she was recently telling me she's been thinking about me and once told me she loves me on the phone (friend love no doubt). I also told her the best day of my life was the day she came with me to the doctors to tell them I was suicidal, also had a coffee and a walk along the beach and she sat beside me and that even made her day she said.

I feel so toxic inside, I need to just worry about myself for now.

It sounds like you would be interested in continuing to communicate regularly with her but you doubt that she wants that.

Yeah sounds about right. Perfect time to disappear, no?

Well another option would be to assess the evidence. What is the evidence that she no longer wants to communicate with you at all?

I don't think just disappearing is a very stand-up way to treat someone who was as supportive as this lady was toward you in August, when you were in crisis. Neither do I think that she deserves for you to get confrontational with her by letting her know you think she has let you down in the friendship department.

You are emotionally needy. Welcome to the club; I am too. We tend to wear people out with our neediness. So along comes a nice person who seems to think something of you and was there for you when you needed support. Her dilemma is that she is interested in you, but she doesn't want to reinforce your neediness. I've been in both your shoes and in hers. Pepole have seemed to withdraw from me, and I have withdrawn from others, when neediness got to be a bit much. Being engaged conversationally, or otherwise, with someone who is emotionally needy can feel like having the life sucked out of you . . . and it gets boring. I've done it to people and got cut off by them. I used to let people do it to me, but got to where I don't anymore. There's only so many minutes in my life, and I want to live those minutes in a way I find worthwhile. If I find someone in crisis, and I offer them a shoulder and a hand, that doesn't me I want them glomming on to me repeatedly in a way that becomes draining and boring. I've done that to people, myself. I had to learn that it turns people off, even people who do genuinely love me. Depression, for me, is a chronically recurring challenge. But I now understand that, if I want friends to be chronically ministering to my affliction, then I'm going to drive people away and have no friendship in my life. Even with my significant other, I keep finding out that the amount of talking about depression that I'ld be inclined to do is a good bit more than he is willing to listen to. So, yes, I have to just stuff it sometimes, so I don't wear him out.

A cross-gender friendship can be a touchy situation. One party may feel a potential for romance. The other party wants to be careful not to be guilty of leading someone on, just to have them be hurt. So I think this woman is caring of you, but has concerns on a number of levels that she wants to avoid reinforcing unwelcome behavior. She doesn't want you developing a big romantic crush on her. Also, she doesn't want you putting her in the role of being your amateur therapist.

If you do have romantic yearnings for her that are not reciprocated, then it would possibly be best to gently disengage. But if that is not a big pending stress, then I would cultivate this lady's goodwill and maintain the aquaintance, even if you're not destinned to be bosom buddies.

If this woman has a job and a daughter (even an 18 yr old one,) then an hour a month is actually a sizable chuck of her time. Ask yourself if maybe encounters with you perhaps get a bit gloomy. You need to understand that anyone is going to avoid that. When we're depressed, we tend to get a bit self-absorbed. That can make us very boring to be around. People gravitate toward what improves the quality of their lives, and this lady is no exception. Maybe you could express an interest in attending one of her daughter's dance performances. Even if dance isn't particularly your thing, you could offer yourself as an escort to an upcoming event that she might, otherwise, be attending alone. Make yourself fun to be with. Let her daughter be the focus of attention.

I have a "friend" who never wants to be in a group situation. She only wants to be with me in a one-on-one context, where she has my undivided attention. She gets annoyed if any of her friends tries to get her to a gathering of 3 or more. She likes to meet me for lunch, but never will accept an invitation to be with me and my boyfriend. I wouldn't be giving her my undivided attention, so those kind of invitations don't interest her. She'll never drop by on holidays when I invite her because other people are here. That's an unhealthy way to pursue friendship. Look for opportunities to see this woman in a group context. Then make yourself a cheerful participant in the group.

@Bill3 My own thoughts is my evidence. I asked her for 3 months, even with her saying she would like to in person and on text meet up, but then I ask her if we are ever going to meet up? and that I been asking since Jan and it's always no when she kept agreeing and I asked her if I am wanting more out of this friendship then she does? and that i'm sorry if it seems like i'm acting rude, i'm not trying to come off that way. She came back that I wasn't rude and that she does want to meet up but she's so busy. She has other people she used to work with she wants to meet up with, I've told her I've been trying to get them to try and meet up with you and that you wanna meet with them. When we did meet up for a coffee she said maybe she should try harder at hanging around friends more, and in the past she has said she's worked on herself for years and wants to start doing that less and hang around friends more often then she does.

Then a week after those texts I get a text saying we should meet up, I found that strange...why now? because that text I sent her? was it because she wanted to meet up or felt guilty and ignored something she had to do that was a bigger priority? I also been doing a bunch of research on friendship and kept reading that if you meant anything to a friend they would make time for you because you were important to them. I started sinking deeper and deeper into feeling of worthlessness and trying harder and harder at trying to be her friend, even if I never got time to be around her. As time flew by more and more she rarely text me because she wanted to, mostly because I wanted to keep staying in touch with her even if our text conversations were boring as hell.

She gave me her phone number beginning of Jan, she told me to call her whenever I wanted but...she never once has called me because she wanted to. She's also part of the reason I broke down back in August and she asked if she was also part of why I broke down after she walked with me to the beach after the doctors appointment telling him I was suicidal...she quit in July, so did another guy I was buddies with at work a month later, and another buddy recently quit. People are leaving me and I got huge abandonment issues because my mother left when I was 1 and I still feel like even at 32 i'm going to have nobody...no friends, no family, nobody! If your own mother does not even want you then you really don't deserve anyone.

Sorry it just kept going on and on and on.

@Rose76

Maybe not but she may understand? I've tried leaving in the past but she kept trying to stay and hates when I try and leave for a long time, like when she was busy I told her i'll message her in a few weeks when she's less busy and she did not like that idea, but she tells me to text or phone her anytime I want. I know i'm emotionally messed up, which is probably why it's the best I leave for a long while and forget about other people for a while and just work on myself only as selfish as that sounds. I recently came back from 5 weeks off work due to being picked up by the cops and brought to the hospital where I was put on suicide watch. I just can't control my thoughts anymore, they are always so poisonous! Sometimes leave me screaming or hitting my head on walls, or drinking myself silly. Therapist and psychiatrist think i'm fine and should only come once a month because I act fine, but I feel insane...

Thanks! Now what is the evidence that she wants to continue to communicate with you?

Phones me when I wanna talk to her, texts me back. I'd say she hung out with me but I think that was due to my text and felt guilty...not text me in 3 weeks though, so I dunno now. She did say she was about to call me last time we talked but had to keep the phone available for something important, but like I said, she's never called me because she wants to once.

Doesn't sound like she wants the friendship. Sorry, this must be hard.

It sounds like you want her to feel guilty.

I guess that a key thing for you is that she does not get in touch first. She does not Initiate, but she does respond when you initiate.

So this woman was "part of the reason" that you "broke down." So, in other words, she has sort of victimized you. Is that how you see it?

I have a few friends I have to initiate with, they have busy lives, maybe this is the case with her. I'm reading she's a mother, working, so I'm guessing she's got a fair bit to occupy her.

It sounds like when you did get together last month you had a nice time? Tbh I wouldn't worry about the who initiates texts business, I'd concentrate on how things feel when you are spending time together.

I can see you have abandonment/attachment issues and wonder if you have worked on those? It sounds to me like a lot of what you are feeling is from your past.

If my friends and family weighed the quality of our relationship based on who initiates I would have no close relationships, not even a bf, I maybe initiate a convo with him once a week.

I'm super busy, (single mother, job, sick mother) super drained from being busy, and honestly I just suck at keeping in touch.

My best friend is luckily just as busy, she literally lives 2 houses away and we rarely text and maybe see each other once a month!

I think instant communication has created this expectation in alot of people for others to stay in constant contact and to respond immediately... I kind of resent it tbh.

And that says alot considering I have abandonment issues of my own.

If your friend is not living up to your expectations of what a good friend is, then by all means let her go, don't settle for something that you find so unfulfilling.

Would you call her a friend or an acquaintance; and, what do you think her view is regarding the relationship? Realise too that being a friend or acquaintance does not make you the priority in her life. Sounds like she as a great deal on her plate to occupy her. Yes it would be nice she was more available to you but that simply may not be possible in her life right now. Consider too that her idea of staying in touch may not match yours.

Yes, evaluate the relationship and what you consider are reasonable expectations of it. But also consider that which may be expected of yourself.

I wouldn't be rash.

Talk to her about your expectations before simply ending the friendship. Ask too what she expects of you.

As for the texting, perhaps that is not her ideal way of communicating. Personally I hate it and think it is impersonal. Try sticking to calling her instead.