Thinking of ending friendship

@Music-mum - Maybe not the way I am wanting.

@Rose76 - How do you figure that?

@Bill3 - Yes, i'd like if she initiated more. If I didn't know what to say anymore and she never messaged me or even called me would I just wait forever and let her end the friendship because I never heard from her anymore? i'd have to do all the work, makes me feel like I want more then she does that way. What if she never calls or texts me again? it's been 3 weeks, never gone longer then 2 but that's because I told her I would message her then. She told me before she does not like texting much, can't really talk on a text. I'd text her now but I really need to get away for a while and stop worrying about this. I got stuff I have to do, I figure she will still be around in say December if I decided to then start messaging her again. I gave her a mug for her xmas present, she uses it everyday and has never got a mug with her name on it before and it was her favourite present she's gotten so i'm sure she would think of me when she sees that.

@Rose76 - Well I broke down because I broke down as I could not take it anymore, but she asked me if her leaving was part of the reason why I was sad? told her it was. Not to make her feel guilty, but she wants me to always be truthful and honest (her words) with her. She did not victimized me, I was just sad someone I liked having around, someone I have worked with for 11 years was leaving and I was never going to see her again. Her leaving was just a small part of my meltdown.

@Prefabsprout - She's got 2 daughters (one moved far away and she's 21, the younger one that's 18 lives with her), works full time with hours that leaves her little to no time to hang around people, her ex boyfriends (father of her 2 kids...been together since high school) mother passed away last month and I told her i'm always here for her if she needs someone to talk to. Helping her ex boyfriend out, they have a family of mental illness and things happening. We always have a good time together when we hang out and it feels fine, she actually wanted to go to the beach with me to walk around and talk and I told her in the summer time we can grab a coffee and walk along the beach and she agreed to that, wont be happening though. I freak out from the text thing because if I never text her i'll never hear from her ever again.

@Trippin 2.0 - Isn't closeness or close relationships being around those people as often as you can? I'd just like to every now and then have her call me or text me because she wants to, not because she has to (as in because I want her to). My therapist tells me to be around my friends atleast once a week or more if I can. It just seems like it's impossible to hang around anyone. She also thinks that she would want to hang around me if I am important to her. I got people telling me she has bigger priorities then me and that she's busy, I got other people telling me if I was important to her she'd make time for me? I dunno what i'm supposed to believe, maybe I am right and the world is lieing to me. I once sat on a rock next to the beach for 3 hours and came back from the rock nobody cares, they just want to make themselves feel better and that the world is lieing to me. I don't get what's going on, what i'm supposed to believe.

@Justafriend306 - I've looked both up, they both apply whatever that means. I'm pretty sure her idea does not match mine, she sees this 1 person 1 time a year and says that's her friend, so maybe my idea of a friend is much different then hers? she seems she much rather spend time with her family then her friends.

She sounds like she has a very busy life, I can understand why she can't text or meet up more often. You might not be her first priority (she has kids) but that does not mean you aren't important.

Her expectations of friendship do sound a lower intensity/frequency than yours.

When your T says to be around friends once a week they may mean a varied group of friends so you have social contact with different people - I think that is good advice if you can manage that.

Either she's not that interested in spending time with you, or there is some specific behavior of yours that she is afraid of encouraging.

I don't think too many women want guys as "friends," in the close confidant sense. She thinks of you more as an aquaintance that she cares about. You two have a shared history of working together. She hopes you recover from your psychiatric issues, but, obviously, she's not looking to be meeting up with you on a recurring basis. I think she's using the term "friend" on a much loser basis than you are. Not all friends are close friends.

When I have found myself contacting someone more than they were contacting me, I've backed off. That's because, like you, I would be hurt if it was always me who was initiating contact. I haven't felt the need to call the person up and announce that I was seeing the relationship in a different light. I would simply scale back my expectations and invest less. No need to make a "break" with the person. I think this is what most people do.

If someone were trying to connect with me more than I was welcoming, then I would do exactly what she is doing with you. I think that's kind of the normal way that people socialise and control how much involvement they have with others.

It is disappointing when someone has less desire to be close than I have, of course. But I tell myself that's the way the cookie crumbles and time to invest my energy and interest elsewhere. I think you took certain things she said way too literally. Like the idea that you could call her anytime. People say that a lot, but don't always mean the same thing.

It seems like she was answering a need you have, but she doesn't have that big of a need for you. Friendships are happiest, I think, when there is more reciprocity.

Here's another way that I think you set yourself up for hurt. You seem to think that people you know should take into account your "abandonment issues" and be wary of aggravating them. That's really not their responsibility. That's kind of your own problem. Certainly, no one person wants to be your life preserver.

The professionals in your life have a different kind of responsibility. You've been disappointed by them. But friends aren't going to make themselves responsible for fixing hurt you feel over how counselors and doctors treat you.

@Prefabsprout - Well she did say she would like to hang with friends more but she has no time. Maybe my idea of busy is different then other peoples? or I keep reading the wrong info about busy people? I dunno. Maybe it's that i'm never busy and wish I could hang with people instead of sitting here at my PC all day when i'm not at work? I don't get life or the things that happen in it, it's confusing. She did mention she might be quitting her job soon, but would that give her more time? or would she fill the time with other things? She did say she rather hang around a few friends and do something active then sit at a bar, and don't think she's a fan of 1 on 1's like I am.

@Rose76 - Probably my behaviour, but I never got told about boundaries from her except to stop being like this and just accept what happens. She told me she never used to have friends, now she does. She told me back in Sept we are friends for life but that was in Sept, and friends for life is impossible although she has a best friend from elementary school she recently hung out with, not spoke in a few years. I've changed from back then. She told me to text or call her anytime I want more then once over the past few months, I asked a few months ago if I could call her more (I called her once a month, I felt anything more and she will be annoyed and that i'm bugging her, not called her since March 19) and said yes I can, might not get back to me right away as she's out alot but when she has time she will call me back. She hates when I disappear, can tell by how she acts and her voice but i'll disappear for now. I got things I need to occupy my time with. I've also told her if she needs help financially i'm always here to help her, like she does not wanna go to school as she will be in debt and me and her mom offered to help her out. I always help my buddies or friends with money even though I don't make a whole lot.

Anyway i'm taking a break from this thread, i'll post back if something happens.

edit- Oh and thanks everyone!

Well she text me at midnight saying hi, that she was thinking of me and lots of crazy stuff been happening with her ex boyfriends family. Still gonna take off from
Thread for a while though.

Thank you so much for letting us know about this text, in which she it sounds like she initiated a conversation with you.

It sounds like she wants to keep contact with you but lots of things are happening in her life right now. It's good she texted you.

She's doing a bail hearing for some family next week, now heading out to visit a friend but she wants to catch up soon.

I agree with this...also, if you aren't already, make sure to ask how *she* is doing, etc. to keep the friendship balanced. I hope you feel better soon. Maybe try to have more support in your life rather than relying on her so much. Take care.

I don't mean this in a bad way - it's something my pdoc has told me before...she's not your therapist...

Human, why do you have to say "bye to her?" You could simply accept that she is, maybe, more of a friendly aquaintance than a "friend" in the sense of a close intimate. Calling her up to make a "good bye announcement" sounds pretty passive-aggressive to me. This is more about you being angry and wanting to vent your resentment at her. You know she'll likely question why you have come to this decision, and that will open the door for you to give her a good piece of your mind . . . about how she hasn't been much of a true friend. Of course, you won't put it that way. You'll more likely say, "Well, I don't want to keep bothering you when you really don't have room for me in your busy life." This is how passive-aggression plays out. On the surface, it will be all about how you don't want to be a nuisance to her, but she'll have no trouble getting the true message, which will be that you think she let you down. This is a not so subtle way of you looking to retaliate for what you perceive as her hurting you by "abandoning" you. Then, since she is a nice and generous person, she is likely to act all concerned and be a little upset that you feel the need to terminate contact. She'll express concern for you, and I think that's what you are kind of after. This will be a way to provoke her into a heightened responsiveness. It's a little sneaky, though none of this may be part of your conscious motivation. You tend to recast your resentment as "something else." Like saying how you are quick to give financial help to people, even though you are on a limited income. That very subtly suggests that you are open to being exploited. It sounds like you saying, "Look how people take from me, but I get so little in return. Even though I don't have much, people are willing to accept things from me." The message is that you have the heart of gold, but no one reciprocates.

You can't choose your feelings. They are what they are. If you feel some resentment and, even, some anger, it's okay to own that. It's healthier to own it, than to act like Mr. Milktoast who is just so innocent and modest and never wants to be bothering anyone, while, below the surface, the anger seethes. "Well, I'll just say goodbye (to the doctor and therapist and this lady.) I'll just say good bye, and go off by myself, and quietly drink away my pain. I won't keep asking someone to accept a phone call once a month or spare me an hour once in awhile. Maybe that was an imposition. No, I'll just go drink and decide maybe I don't want to be here anymore. But at least I won't be bothering anyone. This exterior meekness is very carefully constructed. It floats on top of resentful anger. It would be okay to say, "I'm mad. I'm bitterly disappointed. I feel rejected. I don't want to be patronized by anyone saying they're my friend, when they see me as a mere aquaintance."

@Glamslam - I normally ask her how is she, but perhaps next time if she messages me i'll say something like "i know you are having problems but how are YOU doing?" I know she's not my therapist, I really don't think I need one I was told by the hospital I have to go because what they did normally takes a while to do. Perhaps I should just work on excercising, being more active, learn to meditate then talk about my problems that I REALLY don't wanna talk about due to feeling like they will just laugh at me judging me like i secretly feel everyone is doing to me. I KNOW this is silly what I am thinking, but I can't stop thinking it and it drives me crazy and it feels like it's never going to go away, it's always going to be a part of my life no matter how much therapy I get or don't get. I mean I told my therapist you can tell me things but it doesn't mean i'm actually going to do them. Sometimes I get told something, I want something but I don't do it even if it will benefit me. I'd need to do something extreme to get me to do it like give you my paycheck, shut off my internet.

@Rose76 - I'd not actually call her up and start blasting her, i'm pretty passive about how I handle things. Maybe i'd think it but I wont actually say anything, I would not even call her and talk about any of this, just what's been happening or whatever she wants to talk about. I also don't want aquantances, I have a ton of them at work. I talk to them about things and work with them but that's it, once i'm off they wont see me until I work again. I'd rather find people to hang out with. I aint going to talk to her about any of this, it's my problem because my life sucks, life sucks! I would not even say that to her (Well, I don't want to keep bothering you when you really don't have room for me in your busy life.), i'd just disappear and if she asks where I was i'd likely tell her that I need to disappear for a while, I got too many issues right now and need to worry about myself for a while. She'd likely tell me to message her every now and then and keep her updated and i'd likely not message her for a long while and not keep her updated until i'm ready to talk. Also about the money part...I don't like to brag to people, just the people I like I would help out because it's what I've been doing since I was a little kid.

I'm like mr Milktoast, I don't wanna bother people and I got no idea what they are actually saying about me, also if I kept say phoning them say 1-2 times a week? how would I know if i'm being mr annoying always wanting to talk? people who have called me when I see their name I go "ugh", I also think of myself as that person when they see my name. I can't read them, sometimes people are too nice to say "please stop calling me so much", so i'd just call once a month. Literally impossible to be annoyed that way unless you hate the person.

Anyway now i'll disappear from this thread for a while, didn't wanna be seen as rude not replying. Adios until later, hope you guys are well.

So this week she went to court to try help bailing her ex boyfriends sister out of jail so she can move here. Also found out today she was in the hospital today due to blood clot in her lungs and she's now on blood thinners for 6 months. Gotta be careful, once cut and she could bleed to death. I asked if I could go to the hospital and try cheering her up but she was about to be released and was around her family. I'll phone her in a few days, she keeps asking to catch up on the phone.

Should I keep asking to visit her or naw? she went back to hospital and is on IV drop blood thinners there. I told her I hope she's not mad I told a few people at my work what happened to her (whole store knows now, word spreads) but she was fine with it. Told her if I could visit her, she told me she appreciates it but she's got too much happening and wants it family only, asked her if she was sure? because it's not problem to me and that it would be great to see her doing ok, still said thanks but no. Asked 3 times already, so should I keep asking or leave her be? she said I am the best and I am the only one who's asked to visit her and had a smiley face next to it, although another guy who's worried about her keeps asking me what hospital she's at and wants to go see her and will take me with a few others. But I gotta respect her boundaries. Told her when she's ready to give me a call and we can catch up. She said she is going to keep me updated.

You're wondering if you should keep asking to visit her, even though she asked you not to?

Illness is a very personal matter. Lots of people really hate for anyone outside of their immediate circle of intimates to pop in to the hospital. A hospital room is similar to a bedroom, in terms of how private the occupant has a right to keep it. It used to be like public space that anyone could walk into. More and more hospitals are letting patients specify a list of who can be allowed in. Then passes are provided only to those on the list. This is how it should be.

There are at least two kinds of boundaries. One kind are the limits that a person verbalizes that they want. Another kind are the limits that shouldn't have to be verbalized, but that good manners should presume. Respecting a person's privacy in the hospital is covered by both. That's why it would not be polite for you to press the issue. Calls, messages and emails should be limited also. Those kinds of things require her to pay attention to you. A "get well" card is nice because it does not stress the recipient by requiring interaction. Groups of co-workers often send a plant or small bouquet.

Thanks I'll drop it and wait for her to call me. But I'll still text her every couple days for now.

She is out now. We meeting up tomorrow for a coffee, also loaning her some money so she can take a month or longer off work while she waits for EI or she will have to go back to work with this. talked on phone for 1 hour 15 minutes about a ton of stuff about her. She's so awesome even if my mental illness makes me get like what I have posted in this thread, but that's my fault.

Loaning her money is a very bad idea. You're wrong to offer it. She's wrong to take it.

Human, you are trying to buy affection. You are going to be bitterly disappointed.

She a woman old enough to have an adult daughter. She is willing to take money from a guy she is not in a committed, romantic relationship with? A lonely guy who is sweet on her? If she takes that money from you, then she is exploiting you. You are going to be hurt, and you will deserve to be. I'm sorry to say that, but what you're about to get into is very sick.

It's just helping a friend in need though. I've helped my sister, donated big sum of money to save someone's life, helped other friends when they were desperate. I've always helped people in some way my whole life. She has been there for me and I'm Being there for her. It was my idea to do this, she's always refused it in the past and had help by her family.

Your approach to life is not working for you. Keep using the same approach and you will keep getting the same result. In the short term, you get a quick reward. Then, in the long term, it doesn't work. So you become bitterly disappointed and very depressed. You are addicted to the short term reward.

Tomorrow, you'll get attention and time together with this woman . . . like how she talked to you on the phone for over an hour. You're getting what you want: more connectedness to her. But, in the long term, you will be disappointed . . . like you always are. You are lonely because your approach to being close to people is not working. But it's what you know how to do, and it provides a quick reward. That's how unhealthy addictions work.