Cross posted because I just don't know if this fits here..

I just wanted to offer an introduction and I hope to have found a good source for mental shelter in this site.
I am not sure what exactly my one question is as I have a series of a few. I have recently ended an affair with a co-worker that lasted many months. During the affair, I tried many times to end the relationship and I told the person I was not going to leave my husband. Every time I attempted to end the relationship he became aggressive and said he would tell my husband and he would make sure he would want nothing to do with me. Throughout the affair, he would drive passed my house, places where I was with my children, show up unannounced at my office or common places of the work facility. I felt trapped and to buy time to find a way out I continued the affair and purposely gave the impression that I cared for him but just could not be with him. During the affair, I was caught in a nightmare of a marital life.
I have been married twelve years and there have been so many conflicts that only developed as time passed. My husband began physically abusing me as soon as we were married. I did not realize then that the emotional and financial abuse was also present. Over the next few years, I would learn of various online infidelities, an ongoing long distance relationship with a high school sweetheart, and a seven-month physical affair that resulted in the birth of a child on Christmas Day. In between the cheating, he isolated me from every friend and family member I had. We moved back and forth from Texas to Florida, constantly running from our financial problems. I had many jobs but he would sabotage them or force me to quit within a year of employment. He did not work after the military for four years and insisted he did not need to because he did not feel obligated to work for low wages. While he was home, I paid for all three kids to attend daycare or before/after school care. He said he didn’t have the patience to watch the kids. I have been full hands on mom/wife/employee. I cooked, cleaned, and met my family’s every need. I would go days with only four hours of sleep because it was unacceptable to leave the house unclean. I am expected to run random errands for whatever my husband has the impulse for. Even 2 AM runs to Walmart, McDonalds or the corner store. Pregnant, sick, tired… no reason is ever good enough. When his mother died, he was left 50K dollars and any money given to me was on loan and I was obligated to repay it by the next payday. He spent every dollar on material purchases that only benefited his desires and had no influence on the betterment of our family.
In 2012, my family asked me to choose. It was either continue my downward spiral as his wife or lose them for good. I chose him and grieved over them.
By 2014, I had run my credit to the ground from payday loans, delinquent utilities and overdraft fees. I cannot even get a bank account in my name. He had a plan that we would move to Maryland and get good jobs to strengthen our credit and use our combined VA loans to purchase our first home. It sounded like a great plan and I thought my time had finally come to reap the benefits of staying strong through all the adversity. I expressed to him my goal of finishing my undergraduate degree and he was very supportive.
As soon as we arrived, I realized all was not well. He refused to work and I was forced to take a job that required a 2-hour round trip commute. Our son had just turned one and he once again refused to watch him while I worked. I paid for my son to attend a home daycare near my work so he commuted with me. When the older kids were sent home early I was made to leave work to tend to them. Ultimately, I lost my job. My husband landed a government job and all seemed to be well until he used his position of working as a method of belittling me. He would make comments about me being unable to hold a job or that I was worthless. I took a temp job and he would ridicule me. Eventually, I also landed a government job with his employer. He was upset because he did not want me working near him. I had a feeling he was having an affair but did not ask.
Life was crazy. He reenrolled in an online learning school and I was forced to take his classes. When asked about my education he responds that I will have my turn when his school is finished. I was still the full-time mom, full time wife and full time employee on top of a full-time long distance learner. If the floor wasn’t mopped or if I did not engage in sex with him, he would prevent me from getting to work. I had no car, the cell phone was his but I was forbidden from taking phone calls or calling anyone without his acknowledgment and he frequently took it away from me as punishment. My paycheck went to his bank and only after he took his ‘cut’ was I allowed the left overs. There was nothing left over—after paying daycare. He was awarded disability from the VA and decided since he earned double my income that he no longer needed to work. He told everyone he medically retired (not true) and stayed home. Continued to take my portion of the income and ridicule me about it not being enough. We both invested in starting up a home business and I was responsible for all administrative tasks. During this time, I met the coworker I had the affair with. He is 17 years my senior and I have no idea what I was thinking. I am not attracted to him physically or emotionally but something led me to the affair.
My husband paid all his debt and cleaned his credit. He purchased a home without me (even though I did all the administrative portions of acquiring the home) and refused to name me on the deed. The business started taking off and we gained international attention and sponsors. My husband applied for a business license and left me off everything. Before moving in I was reminded multiple times a day that he did not want me to go to his house. He said he didn’t want to be with me and I had nothing to offer him. He also said I would be gone at any time if I did not keep straight. So, I moved in. The first night in his house led to an argument with me wanting to go to bed at 3 AM even though my tasks were not complete. The next morning, he was very aggressive. He yelled at me to get out his house and called me a B**** in front of our daughter. He said if I didn’t like it I could leave. At that moment, my daughter looked at me as if she was wondering how I would respond. This was not new behavior to her. He verbally assaulted me daily in their presence. I decided to quietly load a car I was borrowing from his aunt to move and I left. We were separated for 10 days and during that time I had intercourse with my affair partner. Afterwards I expressed to him my guilt and that it would not happen again. I told him I love my husband regardless of what we have been through and ultimately, I wanted my family together. He said he would give me space and let me process everything. I began to feel a sense of independence while I was away living with my husband’s aunt. It hurt so bad to be away from my kids but I found solitude in knowing they were not exposed to our toxic relationship. My husband convinced me that he had learned his ways. He said he wanted to be everything he never was a really wanted me home.
When I told my affair partner I was going home he did what was typical. He threatened to tell my husband. This time I didn’t care. After I begged and pleaded with him to just go his own way, I gave up. He contacted my husband. I was asked to quit my job if I wanted to salvage our relationship. I had to request a protective order against my affair partner and at court he and his lawyer presented intimate details of our affair (that I was not denying). The protective order was granted and he appealed and then it was granted a final time.
The stipulations of me living in my husband’s house and working towards forgiveness are to: thoroughly clean each day, cook full course meals every day and have it ready by 4:30 PM, perform oral sex twice a day (without fail), do not speak to any male (not even a deli clerk), gain 30 pounds of weight, do anything/everything he wants without talking back or looking unhappy. He says I took his manhood when I broke his heart and I need to give him his power, so for that I must give him complete dominance. I don’t have a problem meeting his needs but it is soooo hard not giving up. He tells me every day that I am a *****. He questions me relentlessly about every detail of the affair throughout the day and daily. After I answer honestly, he accuses me of lying and verbally insults me. Then later he throws my honest answers in my face and uses them against me. He tells me repeatedly, if I don’t like anything he wants/needs I can get out his house. He calls me names still in front of the kids and talks to me like I am a child. We go to marriage counseling weekly but I am not allowed to disclose the details of our arrangement. I have asked to go to individual counseling but he won’t let me. I have nowhere to turn for help sorting this mess out. I have no car, phone, friends, family of my own here and my time on the computer is monitored. The only reason I can write this message is because I am supposed to be working on my final applied project and although he is sitting next to me, I am typing in a work document so he is not caring to read what I am writing.
I have no idea what to do or where to go from here? I can’t leave my kids and I have nothing to provide for them should we all leave. Add to it, their relationship is great. They love their father and he spoils them with love and affection.
Why am I trying so hard to convince someone that I am not a bad person even when that person has done nothing but bad to me? How do I make the anxiety go away? How do I cope with the forced submission?
If anyone out there has any advice to offer, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks, in advance
- ICE

My heart is breaking for you. You are in a dangerous situation and you are being punished for being human. I understand it can be hard to do, but you really need to find a way out of this relationship, and you need to try to take your kids with you. It sounds like you have been totally isolated from the outside world. I wish I had a way to help you.

Just know that you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be free from this. You had one affair, how many did he have?

ah ...you need to get out. Not tomorrow but YESTERDAY. He may be good to the kids but them seeing him treat you like that is emotional abuse to them.
I don't know how you can do it. Only that you MUST. Not only is your life hell but your children are being traumatized
Look up resources for abused women, reinstate relationships with family, divorce him and get money from him...but get out

You need to get out of this relationship. Leave him, take your children, and get out. There are agencies, people who can help you, and protect you. Find their help, and get out.

Now, that being said, please allow me to put this into context. I am a pastor of a conservative Baptist Church. My belief is that marriage is a life-long commitment that, only under very rare circumstances should be broken. This is one of those circumstances. If all you have said is true (and I am not doubting your honesty) he is controlling, manipulative, dishonest; he is a 'control freak' and does not care about you as a wife, mother, partner. You deserve better than this, but more than that, my concern is that this situation has the potential to turn dangerous for you. If he can do all these things, then he has the ability to hurt you.

Honestly, I don't feel that there is a "marriage" left to save. Your safety, and the safety of your children are key here; the most important thing to consider. You said he is good to them, but please remember that he has been violent toward you; he has the capability to be violent to them as well. If you leave, and don't take them, my concern is that his aggressive behavior will turn toward them. I'm being open with you here - I fear that with you being gone, his sexual frustrations may be directed toward your daughter. I realize that you may feel you need to take up for him in this area if you don't believe he would be capable of molesting his own daughter, but as an 'outsider' I feel it is possible. It wouldn't be the first time that something like that happened, and unfortunately it wouldn't be the last...

If you have been able to take the time to read this, please consider it carefully. Look at the situation objectively. If someone you cared about came to you and told you all of the things that you have said, what would your concerns be for her? What would your advice be to her?

I feel very strongly about this situation for some reason, and would never recommend that you leave your husband (for good) if I didn't. This is a unique situation. And one that I honestly can understand from a personal perspective. I was once in a dating relationship with a woman who was very much like your husband; very controlling, and manipulative. I thank God that we never married. We dated for a very long time, but once I was finally able to leave the relationship behind, I felt as if a 50-ton weight had been lifted from my body. My nightmares ended, my depression lightened very much, and I was able to enjoy a normal life again. I don't want to even imagine where my life would have been had I actually married her.

But I can imagine where your life can be without him in it. The first year or so will be difficult, but you need to stay strong and don't give up on yourself. Find help - it's out there - and get you and your children out of this situation. Life will become something beautiful again for you.

One more tidbit - stay on this site. If he finds your profile before you can get out, make a new one. The people here are wonderful, very supportive and positive. We all have our problems; that's why we're here. To find the support we need, and to offer any support we can. Feel free to message me if you would like to talk more. I'm praying for you.

Why on earth did you choose this asshat over your family who offered a way out??

Smh.

Find a way to contact your family, library computer, payphone, idk, where there's a will there's a way. Tell whomever it is that you're really sorry you made such an ignorant choice, and ask if they'd give you that chance again.

Hopefully they say yes and you take your kids and RUN.

Seriously.

RUN.

I'm speechless..

Hello ICE: Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you are suffering under the weight of this tragic situation. I read through the other replies that have been left so far, as well as having read your post. And I want to say that I would have to agree with what others have written.

You need to find a way to get both yourself & your children away from this situation. You are being enslaved & tortured. And your children are watching it happen. I know you wrote their father spoils them with love & affection. But, at least from my perspective, the damage that is being done to their psyches, watching what is being done to you, is going to haunt them all their lives.

The fact is no one can put up, for long, with the kind of abuse you are enduring. You wrote that you have no idea what you were thinking when you began the affair with your coworker. What occurs to me is that you were seeking the love & support you were not (& still are not) getting at home. Sadly, what you found was another man who appears to be just as self-absorbed & abusive as your husband. As a result, you've now been victimized twice. At some point, once you hopefully have been able to secure your own safety & that of your children, hopefully you will be able to arrange to spend some time working with a therapist who has experience working with survivors of domestic abuse. Otherwise, I fear, you may well find yourself falling into yet another abusive relationship at some point in the future. Your children may well be in need of therapy services too.

Of course it's one thing for us, here on PC, to tell you to find a way out of this abusive situation as fast as possible. It's quite another thing for you to figure out how to make it happen. Certainly, if there is a possibility of contacting your family & enlisting their help & support that may be one way. And depending on where you live there may be human services organizations that can help. One on-line resource that may be of some help is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1 (800) 799-7233 :

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

I pray that, in some way, you will be able to find your way through this heartrending situation. My best wishes to you.

I totally agree. Get away from this poor excuse of a man. You don't deserve this and neither do your kids. Reconnect with your family as soon as you can and see if they can help you get out. My heart breaks for you. Keep your chin up, be smart and leave this jerk in your rear view mirror. Keep posting here for support. Good luck and best wishes.