Big Brother's Passive Aggression

He told me he bought sour chicken from a Chinese restaurant he was in. He explained (too much as usual) about sharing it with my little brother, half, one of us, whatever, and told that he bought it out of care for us.

I seriously couldn't bother, I didn't ask for him to buy it, and he used that excuse to unleash small bits of anger on me, because that's what mentally strong and empathetic people do (he claims to be a mentally strong and empathetic person). Because it's my fault I don't care about him. Yes, I don't care about him. So he hurts me further by unleashing passive aggression, such a strong person. Depression is caused by PEOPLE!!!

I just feel miserable. All my life have been half life half misery, and it seems people step on others to feel good about themselves, yet therapists keep telling you to be a good person and understand the people who do wrong. WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF?? Why not unleash anger like everyone else does? Is this a punishment some people have to take?

Ok. In order for me to get the full understanding, I feel I must ask you a question first. Please do not take offense, I am simply trying to understand the entirety of the emotional situation.

Why do you not care for your brother?

This is a tough one to answer.
The only thing I can add is family dynamics, where my big brother took the occasional roles of in-charge and responsible, which also means disciplining us, which also means taking the father role at times. Our father doesn't know how to discipline. His only ways are being emotionally angry, and boy he can be really angry. Hate my father for that, too.

I used to be an open heart, but when I was an open heart, it felt to me my family treated me like a weak fledgling at times. My father would offer me what to take in a restaurant instead of giving me the time to pick. It feels to me love makes me dependent on others and losing strength to do things on my own.

So are you angry with your brother or with your father? Sounds like the real anger is with your father but you are blaming your brother instead.

I just feel like I need to take care of my success in the outer world.
Whenever I'm at home, I am hardly productive. When I return from work to home, I end up being more sluggish.

I know it seems off-topic, but it's better to point out than not.
I've had burdens over time and it's been so much I can't blame myself and take responsibility anymore.
I read so many articles based on my negative feelings - about depression, relationships, career success... I feel too domesticated at home.
The problem with domestication is it can feel good and nurturing, but it can become a magnet overtime...

Based on what you have said (thus far) - I tend to agree with what Lola said here.

Was your brother abusive in some manner when he took on the "discipline" roles? Or do you simply resent him for even doing that?

I can understand the feeling either way - so again, I am not judging, I am only trying to get a full understanding...

Would you care to tell us what exactly the burdens were/are? Maybe we can be helpful that way?

Well, having a brother act as a vice of a father who emotionally expresses stronger hate than love is. It's hard seeing him as a brother. We also had a family decay overtime, both outside of home and on the inside, at least in my case.

I have my times when I'm shut down while my family is talking actively. I once told my mother I find it disappointing I can be silent or in a bad mood and they can just keep on talking and laughing like nothing is going on. She told me "What, so we have to be sad just because you're sad?"

I am the emotional trash of the family - the most angry emotions come to me. You have no idea how much anger I feel right now as I am writing this. My family doesn't truly care about me, or I am just so detached from them

You mentioned seeing a therapist and it appears from what you said that they aren't really helping. You need to find someone who can help you process all that anger. It's toxic to you and won't get you to where you want to be.

Ok - thank you ❤
Now I think I understand a bit. In ways, I can relate to you - after Mom died (I was 12) and Dad remarried (I was 14), Dad shut down any emotions toward me and my stepmom only displayed love to her girls and my Dad - so, I was left "in the cold".

This is the part where you and I go different. I - chose to try to find a way to make sure I was loved ... boyfriend and i planned my pregnancy (selfish decision though and it got all messed up, don't recommend it). You, chose to bottle it all in and turn it into anger, hatred, and resentment. Neither decision by us was healthy. Neither of our circumstances are or were healthy. But...we still have the power to correct things for ourselves so we can be happy.

The important thing to remember here though is .. you cannot change others, nor should you try - it will only lead you to frustration and other negative emotions.
You can change yourself. You can change your actions. You can change how and what you think. You can change your beliefs. By changing n controlling these things, you also can change and control your emotions.
I can help you figure it out if you like. What is your age though? I am 42 now, so I have been able to remove myself from a lot of what was hurting me and such...

(I am not a therapist or counselor so I am not offering that kind of advice/help. Just advice from someone that understands a bit.)

(Venting, too)

I'm 22 years old.
As for bottling up, I'm sorry but I can't see this as a choice, but more of a no choice, because of fear which is not my fault and not knowing ways or having enough strength to deal with such situations because people just LOVE to deprive others of energy!
I swear, whenever I am home I am sluggish. I've been sitting for 40 minutes at my room doing hardly a thing. I'll try my best to get up and go to a nearby music college.
Because of the situation I'm in, I feel like in an uncertain situation about everything.
The time has come to study at a university and get at least a Bachelor's degree. I licensed to a nearby university, but thought of going to a far away university to complete my puberty. Yes, I said puberty. Why? Could never maintain and enjoy a romantic relationship, could never enjoy friendships. Why? Because of the anger and burdens taken by family dynamics, which have lead to increasing depression and relationship issues.
My big brother tells me our father LOVES us. He's exaggerating, and he's not an example of good self-esteem either.

Ok - almost nothing we do is a choice until such a time we take control of our lives. We live off "gut reaction" and "instinct" until then. Even my decision to become pregnant was a type of instinctive need for love - and I went with the first gut reaction I knew would likely achieve my goal. I understand you are probably thinking "yea but I had nobody to talk to". That's true and I understand that and I wish I could take that pain from you. I know what that pain is and it hurts probably worse than any other because it serves to magnify all others - until you know how to take away it's power.

I told you already, during my teen years, I had nobody either. After I moved out, my family continues to pretty much alienate me and I have not had a lot of friends. I have had to learn to be my own "best friend", my own "mother", my own "counselor" .. etc. Anything I needed in my social circle, I had to learn to be those things for myself because I came to understand people will hurt you. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes unintentionally. But everybody - sooner or later, if they are in your life for long, will disappoint or hurt you. If you become those things for yourself, then when that disappointment or hurt arises, you are strong enough to be able to deal with it because you know how to console or chastise yourself correctly and lovingly to get yourself back on track. Others might derail you further. I am not telling you to be a loner. I am saying to not depend on others for your happiness.

Decide what it is you like. As long as it is not hurtful to you or others and is legal, do that - and dont apologize for it.

If there is something about you YOU (dont worry about how others feel) dont like - change it to what would make you happy (as long as it is neither harmful to you or others nor illegal) and don't apologize for that

If there are things or people in your life holding you back from happiness, find a way (healthily and legally) to rearrange the boundaries to get you closer to happiness.

When you need someone to talk to and nobody is there - journal, write poems, sing, listen to music, write blogs, come here and write, scream out into the nothingness, do what you need to do - but dont let it set there and build up and eat at you
*hugs*
❤

Sorry took so long to respond - seriously had to lie down for a bit, was not feeling well at all