Coping with Changing Friendship

This might be kind of long, but I'm desperate.

In November (2016), I met a friend online. She's a few years younger than me and I work full time, but I moved back into my parents house 4 years ago after getting a divorce (I'm about to be 28). At the time she was taking a leave of absence from college due to a traumatic event. She wasn't going out of her house or seeing anyone and we talked for hours every single day. I would even text her while I was at work. We bonded quickly and deeply. I'd say we probably talked (texting and calling) upwards of 7 hours a day. We called, texted, sent audio messages, etc. We were telling each other "i love you" probably within a month and we were just really, really close.

In January, she resumed school and her life quickly became quite busy. We were still able to talk on the phone occasionally, and we still texted a few hours before bed. As the semester progressed, she because more and more busy - with class and seeing her friends and family. Slowly, I feel like I've lost my place in her life. She told me about a month ago that she needed to concentrate on "being present in her life" which meant that she was basically no longer going to text me during the day so she could concentrate on her friends and school. And I get that... I don't expect her to text me while she getting coffee or lunch with her friends. But... I'm struggling. We now text maybe 20 or 30 minutes a day if its a good day.

And now.. school is out, but she got a job about 2 weeks ago. And... she's met a guy at work. And when she told me... I got insanely jealous. I reacted badly and basically when she texted me she was met someone, I abruptly told her I was going to sleep and left the conversation. We've had several long talks that leave me feeling sick to my stomach with fear she will leave me. She told me she doesn't feel comfortable really sharing her life or even how to talk to me anymore because I make her feel guilty for having a life while I'm at home alone. She said she does feel bad we don't really talk anymore, but that also she can't do it all and she has to focus on her real life relationships. This thing with the boyfriend is eating me alive. Yesterday, I didn't talk to her from 9 am until 9 pm she was so busy. And when she finally got home from work (midnight her time, 9 my time) I told her she could go to bed she didn't need to stay up for me and she told me it was ok because she was also talking with her boyfriend. That cut me deep. Now... what little time we had to hang out she is also texting the boyfriend.

I've been distraught the past few days - crying uncontrollably, hurting myself, and I've resorted to texting a crisis line just for someone to talk to. In the past when I was upset, she would comfort me. But, I cannot tell her about this because I'm the reason I'm so distraught. I know people in most normal adult friendships probably don't text every day. But, I can't cope. I'm so jealous and insecure. I spend my whole day constantly thinking about her and now I have the added thought if her rule about being present in life extends to the boyfriend. Now I can't help obsessively thinking that when she goes 12 hours without texting me because she's too busy that she's still texting the boyfriend. And at night when we finally can chat a little.. she's talking to him. I just feel like I invested so much of myself into the relationship that I no longer no how to cope with not talking to her.

I don't know what to do. I'm miserable... crying myself to sleep... having constant thoughts of hurting myself.. constantly thinking she doesn't love me anymore. And our interactions are different... because I've made a big deal of being jealous she's more guarded in our conversations.. not at loving. Like.. we used to send an audio message each night at bedtime talking about how much we loved each other and how important each other is in our lives (they'd be at least a minute long). Now, I get a quick 15 second "Love you so much glad you're my friend goodnight!" I'm just so hurt. I need help. Please.. how can I overcome this crazy jealousy and insecurity. I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry you're having such a painful, tough time. If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I encourage you to start. You need help processing these feelings you have in this on-going situation and you could have some cognitive distortion going on that is making it more painful. You're not alone. I'm here if you want to talk.

Hello 5chatzi: I'm sorry I probably don't have a lot of useful suggestions for you. From what you wrote, this appears to be a situation where you have become invested in a relationship that apparently was not what you thought it was. It sounds to me as though, while you've seen this as a budding romantic relationship, your friend has seen it more as a relationship where she's trying to be helpful & supportive but not romantically inclined. Of course, I don't know if that's actually the case or not. But it's the way this sounds to me. It may be that, in her desire to be of help to you, she overdid it to the point where you came to believe her intentions were different than they were.

Unfortunately I don't know as there is any "quick fix" here. You may need to seek the services of a counselor or therapist with whom you can delve into, & work through, how you're feeling about all of this. And beyond that I think you may simply have to get out there in real life & find some things to do, & some people to be involved with, so that you're no longer so dependent on this woman. It sounds to me as though the writing is probably on the wall, as the saying goes, in terms of this relationship.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

5chatzi, I'm sorry you're feeling so upset about this change in your friendship with this young woman.

It does sound like you have developed a strong attachment to her, or at least the idea of her (I'm not sure, did you actually meet in real life?), and it sounds like she is trying to establish new boundaries in your friendship which has been a shock to you.

Taking some positives from what you write it sounds like you were a big support to her when she was struggling, and from what you write it sounds like she values your friendship. This might be something you can comfort yourself with.

IMO you need to decide whether contact with her is in your best interests given your intense feelings. Is hearing from her causing you more harm than good? Even if just temporary a break may be needed so you can get some 'head space'.

Long term if you are feeling like you don't have enough real life friends, and you are feeling isolated then that is something you can start to do something about too.

Thank you for the replies. It's made me cry just knowing people are kind enough to try and help me.

I'm going to speak to my mom about going to therapy. I don't really want to have to tell her, but like I mentioned, I live at home plus I'm still on their insurance, so I have to talk to her about it.

Skeezyks - I don't think I've seen it as a romantic relationship. It's tricky... because I genuinely have to desire to enter a sexual relationship with a woman.. and I consider myself straight. However, I do have very deep feelings for her, so it is a little confusing. In the beginning, she was the one who would message me the most and was always so excited every chance to talk to me. She'd be so excited when I went on break at work or when I got home. She'd immediately tell me how much she loved and missed me. Because at that time... I was her coping mechanism. She was isolated, very depressed, coping with a trauma, sleep deprived because of constant nightmares. So I think she was dependent on me at first to be her lifeline.. but when she went back to school, I ceased being her lifeline and I feel like somewhere along the line, she became mine. And now our roles are kind of reversed I feel like.. where I desperately need her and she doesn't really need me. I was for the most part fine before I met her - lonely, yes, but I could handle it. Suddenly now after this intense relationship, I find I can no longer cope with being alone... It's a very hard situation.

prefabsprout - No, we have never met in real life. We've only communication through the phone. We have facetimed a few times and stuff, but she lives on the east coast and i live on the west coast. We have discussed me coming out to see her, but now, I don't know. I wonder if she will ever have the time for me to come visit. We had talked about this summer, but she is no less busy out of school than she was in school. And... I just don't know if she would be able to make time for me. I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket and end up sitting in a hotel alone because she's working everyday and/or busy with her friends/family/boyfriend.

I definitely do think I need to seek a therapist... this whole thing has made me realize that I'm deeply, deeply unhappy with my life. I have a few work friends and we occasionally hang out and get drinks and one comes over occasionally if my parents are away... but, suddenly, I had this person who showered me with attention and love and it made me feel special... for the first time in a long time. My ex left me 4 years ago quite suddenly and I think deep down I've never recovered. And that hole in me left my heart wide open to form a probably unhealthy, codependent relationship... one where I now feel worthless and at the bottom of the list of priorities.

I'm thinking of kind of telling her that I'm ok with not talking every day if that is too stressful for her, but would like her to set aside an hour perhaps once a week or once every two weeks that could be just for us. Like... pretend I'm a real life friend who she gets coffee with or lunch week. Do you guys think that is unreasonable of me to ask? I feel like if I could just feel like I still have some value in her life... maybe I wouldn't feel like I need to talk to her everyday.

Because how it stands now, I see myself as someone in her life that gets whatever snippets of time she has leftover after she has dedicated herself to everyone else in her life. That like... I'm the bottom of the list and I get whatever leftovers she has. But maybe... if I felt like she cared enough to make time just for me.. it wouldn't hurt so much that every single other day she is too busy to talk to me.

i guess how I feel is like.. she loves me and wants me in her life, but doesn't actually care enough to make a dedicated time for me. Her time for me is whatever left over. But, I just want her to treat me like her other friends. That if she sees a friend once a week for an hour to get coffee and spends that whole hour 100% focused on them, why can't I have that too? Why can't I have a time she dedicates just to me. Is that too selfish?? I don't know anymore what is realistic to ask of her and what is me just being desperately clingy.

Chatzi I get the impression that the situation and circumstances with your long-distance friend are simply evoking more deeply-embedded emotions from your past and touching upon sensitivities/insecurities that would have been present before you even developed a relationship with this person. Sometimes 'life' (or you could say the Universe) has a way of placing us in situations/circumstances that ultimately end up showing us what is still unresolved (unprocessed) within us and what still needs to be brought to the light of day and healed (purified)...

If this rings true, that your interactions with this long-distance friend are serving to evoke more deeply rooted emotions and feelings which extend beyond her involvement in your life - then increasingly integrating this awareness into your current conscious state will serve to necessarily shift your focus & attention inwardly (where it needs to be) and will simultaneously serve to make the present surface-level external circumstances (involving this individual) seem less threatening to you... Be patient with yourself and allow yourself the necessary time to process these challenging emotions that have surfaced... In the end you'll be thankful that you navigated your way through this time in your life... Why? Because it will have changed and refined you - for the better...

I think online associations can become intense very quickly, it's something about the direct communication, so that might be something to do with how intensely attached you have become to her. Perhaps if you had/or did meet in real life you might have found the friendship changed anyway. In other words this may be less about the two people involved rather than the method by which you've communicated, messaging can be 'instant' and make us feel connected - if you've been missing connection in your life then you could be extra susceptible to that.

I'm not saying it wasn't a genuine friendship, but rather that the intensity may have been magnified.

It is your choice whether you ask her to 'hang out' every week or two but I'd give some thought as to whether that would really be in either of your interests. You felt 'special' because of her attention for a while but now she has a boyfriend you don't - ask yourself would chatting online every week or so be enough?

I'm inclined to suggest you start working on meeting new friends, getting out and about as much as you can, because you'd have a chance of meeting someone who you are truly special to and who will want to make you a priority without being asked. I would see this situation with your friend as an opportunity to learn what you are needing in your life.

So - a little update. Yesterday I was crying on the couch and on hold with a suicide hotline and I just decided I needed to get away. Went for a 5 hour drive... thought a lot. It was good. We actually ended up talking for about an hour when she got home from work. It was really good. In the past I think I approached the conversations wrong.. where my tone (which is SO HARD to read over text) came out more accusatory - like I was mad she wasn't devoting more time to me. And that made her feel guilty and feel like she couldn't talk about her life or I would get jealous and upset. So... I tried approaching it from the angle that I think what has made me the most upset these last few days is how I've handled it.. yes its hard to go 15 hours without a single message... but thats not her fault and it was wrong of me to be thinking of the situation that way. This is rambling.. but she comforted me and I talked to her about wanting to start therapy and stuff. She's also trying to work up the courage to seek help herself so I'm hoping that maybe seeing that I'm making a step in that direction will help her make her own.

wolfgaze - Yes... I've always been very insecure with myself and I do honestly think I haven't really dealt with the pain of my divorce. Long story short with that was we started being distant towards each other and he basically told me that i wasn't good enough for him and he needed to find someone more successful and ambitious and he was 100% unwilling to see a marriage counselor or consider fixing things... so. I see where that probably has led to my intense fear of her abandoning me and deciding she doesn't feel like being my friend anymore. Because literally the only other meaningful relationship in my life ended up with someone walking away from me. And I do truly think that if I become happier with myself and begin fixing some of my problems, I do think I won't have this feeling where I rely on her for my happiness.

prefabsprout Yes, i agree. With texting... she's never more than a message away. But if it was real life... we'd have to make a plan where we could both have the time to meet up for real. But now... if we have a few spare minutes during the day we can send off a few messages and then if we have more free time, talk longer. And conversely, I think if I DID see her regularly in real life.. I wouldn't have the need to feel like I need to be in contact all the time every day. Texting just can't replace sitting across from someone and truly enjoying someone's presence. I think the never having the REAL connection.. of seeing her face to face is what makes it harder and makes me feel like I have less of a connection to her than her other friends.

And I guess as far as the "hanging out" every week or so.. that would be on top of the other times that we can chat. Like.. sometimes we still can text like an hour or so in the evening. I think this would just be more of like a dedicated, planned thing. Idk... sounds silly lol.

I agree it's very different communicating online than face to face and yes tone can come across wrong/be misread - that happens on these forums all the time. As human beings I believe we are evolved to need face to face, because so much of our nuanced communication is non-verbal. I'm not dismissing online friendships, but they are different to IRL ones.

Sounds like you had some clear communication with her too, that's got to be good.

So... to update. Things have been pretty good. I'm coping better with the days we don't get to talk much. Things have settled a little bit with her job and most of her friends are gone for the summer so she has a little more time for me.

My issue is still how I'm reacting to her and her boyfriend. I overreacted a little before in calling him her boyfriend. They aren't official yet - just went on their first official date last week, but they've hung out other times and they are texting. I've been tying to be super supportive and asking questions and tying to give her advice when she asks for it. But talking about it with her sort of makes me sick and I get almost sick to my stomach when she talks about him or mentions his name. I don't know what to do... I mean im not gonna tell her not to talk about it or him... and she mostly doesn't. She's just come to me for some reassurance and advice and I've helped out the best I can. And so far it doesn't seem like she's abandoning me now that she has him. Plus she keeps saying she's super unsure anyway about dating him and isn't even sure herself about pursuing an actual relationship - says she likes being single. Although I'm pretty sure she is going to try official dating him and having a relationship. She seems to really like him and the few times they've hung out it's been for several hours at a time so clearly they enjoy each other's company. But, she's hesitant because she was sexually assaulted less than a year ago so her thinking of an intimate relationship really scares her and she's not sure if she's really ready to be in a serious relationship. And I feel horrible for saying it... but that kind of makes me happy - like maybe she won't really want to pursue it or it won't last. How horrible of me to wish that

So... I might start a new topic because I've been thinking on something. I know I love my friend... I love her deeply. But... in a platonic way... I don't want to have a romantic/intimate relationship with her. And I know she loves me back... we say it to each other all the time... and over the phone too and I hear the sincerity in her voice when she says it. But I'm wondering if that is causing my intense feelings when she talks about her potential boyfriend. Like... can she still love me if she falls in love with this guy? Will she feel weird randomly texting me during the day to tell me she loves me... or sending me little heart emojis and stuff... We have an extremely deep bond... one I've never really felt before... and I know she feels the same.

I've NEVER felt this kind of love before and it confuses me because... I love her, but don't want to be with her in that way... I've never told any of the friends I've ever had that I love them and I've never felt the way I feel in this friendship with any of my other friends. It makes me uncomfortable because I don't understand it. Is it possible to love someone so deeply with all your heart yet not want to be with them sexually? Like... I know love isn't based on sex... but it's weird to me the concept of loving someone so fully and deeply without it being that type of relationship. Ughhhh this is all so confusing.

Well I'm a female (married, straight) who says 'I love you' to at least one of my female friends (also straight) and means it - she is like family to me. So yes, I can understand that it's possible to 'love' friends, it's not like romantic love, but it's special IMO.

The thing with the boyfriend - I can remember feeling jealous and 'put out' when a good friend (many years ago when we were teens) fell in love with a great guy and got serious. In my case it was a deep seated insecurity that I would never find the love and companionship that those two so obviously had, I was jealous/envious.

I can't help but think that this is all tied in with your own anxieties over your relationship break up and likely fear of rejection, except it is being focussed on this instense friendship.

Either you're in love with her and don't want to know it, or don't know it (happened to me so not impossible) or you're jealous of what she has with this guy because its something lacking in your own life.

Time to dig deep and get real with yourself...

My bf btw, we were super close friends and I told him daily I loved him for three years, the third year he had to point out that I actually "love loved" him. Lol

Weird how fear can disengage you from your emotions.