[defyinggravity65]

I think I am abusive toward my boyfriend. I feel like I can't change because I'm so extremely anxious that everything I do is a matter of self preservation. Here is what's going on:
My boyfriend drinks. He used to be an alcoholic. I live in Wisconsin, where it's socially normal to slam drinks back like there's no tomorrow. He has gotten alot better since I've been with him. But I am obsessed with getting him to stop which has led to be behaving in manipulating and a strange ways: I count how many drinks he's had obsessively, I give him the silent treatment for a day after I feel he's had too much, I avoid social activities where I feel drinking might be happening (which is pretty much all), make him feel guilty for drinking, lecture him on it, tell him to behave every time he hangs out with his friends, reinforce him for not drinking, and i just basically think about this all the time. I refuse to go out with him unless I KNOW he won't be drinking, or that he'll drink minimally.
I try to cut him off from his friends, because all his friends drink more than him. Whenever we go out with them, I'm constantly in fear of him drinking too much and I'm like mentally monitoring his drinking and getting ready to pull him aside and yell at him for it at any moment. I never enjoy going out because these things are always on my mind. I never drink when we go out or even act like I'm having a lot of fun, this is because I'm afraid if he sees me "letting loose" he will assume that he should drink a lot and that i won't be upset. In a way, I hold myself back from having fun just like I hold him back.
He does consume a lot of physical alcohol. On a weeknight after work he'll either have under 6 beers (and sometimes none) if he stays home, but when he goes out he'll have 10-15 drinks in an evening/night. On a weekend day he easily can drink a 12 pack, and i really try to prevent this from happening by using what I see as manipulative and abusive tactics. HOWEVER, he rarely ever acts drunk, even when he drinks alot. He acts the same pretty much except maybe a little more extroverted, which makes me wonder why I even have an issue with his drinking to begin with, since it doesn't really have any negative impact on his behavior.
Which leads me to my 2nd point: I have extreme social anxiety. Things have to be "just right" in order for me to be out socially and semi relaxed. I get uncomfortable when he drinks what I view as too much, also when he drinks he has a tendency to want to stay out with a group of people all day or night long, and I usually want to leave and go how after 3-4ish hours, most times. Also, i am quiet and reserved in social situations, and when he drinks, he's definitely more outgoing (when he doesn't drink, he's just like me). Strangely, I feel like i might even want to have a few drinks sometimes and "party" once in a while but I can't imagine doing that with Keith. I feel like that would be way out of control and the thought of him drinking alot puts me into a panic, and i don't know why.
I am concerned that I control his drinking and obsess about getting him to drink less because I just want him to be similar to me socially (wanting to leave after a couple hours, more reserved, completely in control and a little rigid) and basically I'm a huge introvert. I don't really have any friends of my own, only his friends, who I usually avoid because of their drinking hobby and my fear that Keith is going to drink to where I either yell at him or feel uncomfortable (which doesn't take much). I'm afraid I'm not respecting his boundaries as a person and essentially want to make him into being just like me. I feel sick to my stomach worrying that I have narcissistic personality disorder (I am jealous and competitive and insecure in most areas of life) and i have so much anxiety all the time and feel like I always need to be in control, of myself, of the situation, and of Keith's drinking.
What is wrong with me? His drinking is not really a problem any more so why am I so against it on principle? He doesn't even really act different! Also why do I obsess about it so much And what can I do?

[MickeyCheeky]

It's a good thing you're acknowledging this, to start off.

Yes, your behavior may definitely come across as abusive. The reasons you posted sound all very likely. Also, could it be possible that you're afraid he might get into trouble? You said he used to be an alcoholic, after all..

I don't really have an advice, though. Do you see a therapist? That might help with your social struggles. Maybe "couple therapy" could be an option, as well?

[Trippin2.0]

Firstly, he's either an active alcoholic or an alcoholic in recovery, there's no "used to be" in these situations...

Secondly, if his drinking, or drinking in general, is such an obvious issue for you, that it consumes you, what made you decide to date him?

You've got to accept him as is, or walk away, that's the basic rule of any healthy union.

No matter how in control he acts, regularly (even once a week) having 10-15 drinks and 12 packs of beers on weekends will eventually catch up with him. Some of us get away relatively unscathed if we only do this for a few short years but if it goes on we will eventually have health issues like weight gain, epilepsy, Type 2 diabetes, run ins with the law, reduced productivity, or we will get in a social situation that we later regret---all of these things and more have happened to me or someone I know because of their drinking. Personnally, I cannot stand being around drunk people unless I am also drunk (I very rarely drink now).

You've noted that you have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ("Pure O" Type), Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety so just keep working on these issues but having a bf who drinks that excessively is going to eventually cause problems if he keeps this pace up. Excessive alcohol (I am not talking about moderate drinking) is not compatible with being a parent or keeping a good job. I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned but only he can "make the change"-- nagging to much will just backfire....

[Open Eyes]

Alcoholics are alcoholics, and they can't just drink less because that doesn't change the fact that they ARE alcoholics. They also hang out with and have friends that have the same problem. So, that means they have to realize they have a problem, stop drinking and go to AA meetings, often they also need to seek therapy and they have to distance from even give up their "drinking buddies" who will always encourage them to drink which is never going to work when one "is" an alcoholic.

Your behavior has gotten to a point where you are on this toxic loop of having to watch him and "hope" he doesn't get so drunk that he is a danger to others and himself. THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE, and the healthiest thing for you to do is end this relationship and get away from this group of individuals entirely and seek out individuals who live a healthier lifestyle instead of seeking a constant escape from life through using alcohol.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by defyinggravity65

I think I am abusive toward my boyfriend. I feel like I can't change because I'm so extremely anxious that everything I do is a matter of self preservation. Here is what's going on:
My boyfriend drinks. He used to be an alcoholic. I live in Wisconsin, where it's socially normal to slam drinks back like there's no tomorrow. He has gotten alot better since I've been with him. But I am obsessed with getting him to stop which has led to be behaving in manipulating and a strange ways: I count how many drinks he's had obsessively, I give him the silent treatment for a day after I feel he's had too much, I avoid social activities where I feel drinking might be happening (which is pretty much all), make him feel guilty for drinking, lecture him on it, tell him to behave every time he hangs out with his friends, reinforce him for not drinking, and i just basically think about this all the time. I refuse to go out with him unless I KNOW he won't be drinking, or that he'll drink minimally.
I try to cut him off from his friends, because all his friends drink more than him. Whenever we go out with them, I'm constantly in fear of him drinking too much and I'm like mentally monitoring his drinking and getting ready to pull him aside and yell at him for it at any moment. I never enjoy going out because these things are always on my mind. I never drink when we go out or even act like I'm having a lot of fun, this is because I'm afraid if he sees me "letting loose" he will assume that he should drink a lot and that i won't be upset. In a way, I hold myself back from having fun just like I hold him back.
He does consume a lot of physical alcohol. On a weeknight after work he'll either have under 6 beers (and sometimes none) if he stays home, but when he goes out he'll have 10-15 drinks in an evening/night. On a weekend day he easily can drink a 12 pack, and i really try to prevent this from happening by using what I see as manipulative and abusive tactics. HOWEVER, he rarely ever acts drunk, even when he drinks alot. He acts the same pretty much except maybe a little more extroverted, which makes me wonder why I even have an issue with his drinking to begin with, since it doesn't really have any negative impact on his behavior.
Which leads me to my 2nd point: I have extreme social anxiety. Things have to be "just right" in order for me to be out socially and semi relaxed. I get uncomfortable when he drinks what I view as too much, also when he drinks he has a tendency to want to stay out with a group of people all day or night long, and I usually want to leave and go how after 3-4ish hours, most times. Also, i am quiet and reserved in social situations, and when he drinks, he's definitely more outgoing (when he doesn't drink, he's just like me). Strangely, I feel like i might even want to have a few drinks sometimes and "party" once in a while but I can't imagine doing that with Keith. I feel like that would be way out of control and the thought of him drinking alot puts me into a panic, and i don't know why.
I am concerned that I control his drinking and obsess about getting him to drink less because I just want him to be similar to me socially (wanting to leave after a couple hours, more reserved, completely in control and a little rigid) and basically I'm a huge introvert. I don't really have any friends of my own, only his friends, who I usually avoid because of their drinking hobby and my fear that Keith is going to drink to where I either yell at him or feel uncomfortable (which doesn't take much). I'm afraid I'm not respecting his boundaries as a person and essentially want to make him into being just like me. I feel sick to my stomach worrying that I have narcissistic personality disorder (I am jealous and competitive and insecure in most areas of life) and i have so much anxiety all the time and feel like I always need to be in control, of myself, of the situation, and of Keith's drinking.
What is wrong with me? His drinking is not really a problem any more so why am I so against it on principle? He doesn't even really act different! Also why do I obsess about it so much And what can I do?

It sounds like Alanon meetings would be very beneficial for you,where you can be with other members that have alcoholic loved ones that are going through exactly what you are.Are there any meetings where you live?If not,even online meetings can be helpful too.I've been exactly where you are and that obsession can really impact your mental and physical health,I think people get to a point where they realize they need to do something about it and seek out Alanon.

[Bill3]

I am concerned that I control his drinking and obsess about getting him to drink less because I just want him to be similar to me socially (wanting to leave after a couple hours, more reserved, completely in control and a little rigid) and basically I'm a huge introvert.

I think that you are really hard on yourself. Wanting a partner to stop all of the unhealthy behaviors that you described is a perfectly reasonable desire. It would be a reasonable desire even if you were not socially anxious.

[Sunflower123]

I still think you need to address your social anxiety issues for your own piece of mind separate and apart from your boyfriend. Whether he is an alcoholic or not...he consumes a lot of alcohol that could be detrimental down the road. Ultimately, he'll have to choose to change. It seems to me that you are putting in a lot of work to keep him on the straight and narrow. Is this something you can do long term? Is it worth it? I like one of the poster's idea of Alanon. That may be very helpful for you. Best wishes.

[defyinggravity65]

Wow, I did not expect this response. Thanks everyone! I've thought about al-anon but I really don't feel as though he is an alcoholic. He WAS, but I feel he is basically recovered, he drinks about as much as any other guy in our lives. This heavy drinking is socially acceptable where I live - the norm, even. And I don't mind when other people do it, I just freak out when he does. What's even worse than actually having to live out this situation and engage in these preventive, abusive behaviors is not knowing why. Sometimes I think I am just really evil and controlling . Or narcissistic. Idk if this is the OCD talking or actually true. When he drinks, I'm not overly concerned about health risks or danger befalling him because of it (he is usually still very responsible and this level of alcohol most of the time does not result in any signs of him being intoxicated). It's just the sheer amount of it that bothers me. And the social effects (Like him wanting to he extra social and stay out a long time at parties). It's like this obsessive desire to control this behavior. I wonder if this could just be a weird part of OCD? Idk. I want to stop, but still more importantly, I want him to stop. And I can sometimes be really mean because of it. I really want to be with him, but when he's out with friends drinking I sometimes question how much I want to be with him. It's also worth noting that I'm pretty codependent in our relationship. Maybe I am upset that he consistently chooses some level of alcohol over me. I just don't know how to change.

Dear Defyinggravity-

When my MI is flaring up it causes me to ruminate about the silliest things and with all the hundreds of articles about narcissism it is easy for me to identify traits that could apply to both H and I and your "dependency" may just be love. Of course, I am not an expert on what is really going on with you.

If he still drinks a 12 pack of beer every weekend--I really do think that is beyond moderate--and will eventually impact him in a negative way. Some people stop excessive drinking when they are older and experience negative impacts while others can't/don't. The effects on people who do not eventually stop can get ugly so naturally this is a trait of his that makes you "crazy". You are just in a difficult situation--you love someone with a terrible flaw that could literally kill him someday. You can't make him stop (only he can) so you are forced to watch someone you love headed toward a possible trainwreck. You are an innocent bystander and your tendency to ruminate makes it harder for you to not think about the possible disaster that lies ahead.

[RubyRae]

Alanon is not for or about an alcoholic,it's for and about those that are affected by someone else,'s drinking,which you obviously are.It doesn't matter if you believe he is an alcoholic or not,it just matters that his drinking impacts you so much.

Codependency is the same thing really,so maybe CoDa meetings would be helpful then.

I think you would be surprised if you read about either Alanon or Codependency because you would find the way you feel,your behavior,your need to control,are common and typical.

The first step in groups like that is about being powerless over others......

[defyinggravity65]

Would it be really bad if I said that I wanted him to only drink a little whenever we are out together, and if I'm not along he can do what he wants?
I've been wanting to say that to him for a long time. But then I picture us being out with his friends together and them all drinking a lot and my boyfriend only drinking a little because I'm along sucking the fun from his life. Or I picture us being out together and him drinking a lot anyway and me standing there being bossy and all like "remember what we agreed on?" and just trying to control it anyway. I don't know if it would work, or if it's too controlling to ask that when we are out together, he not do it because it makes me uncomfortable.

[s4ndm4n2006]

You cannot change another person and controlling where he goes, who he hangs with and all that is the behavior of an abusive person, yes. While your reasons for doing these things are all justified, it is never our right as someone's mate to tell us who and what we can do. Ever.

If you tell him he should drink less and you don't like it, that's all acceptable and also telling, if he does not accept this nor wants to comply to your wishes. It says that he has no intention to change. If that is the case, it says a lot about him and your relationship. Not judging you or him, but your socializing methods are different and if neither wants to change to be like the other maybe considering whether this is a relationship to stay in is what you should do.