[Jellyfish18]

What can one do if they don't know how to live alone?
E.g. they don't know how to take care of themselves when alone and stay connected with people due to violently being ignored and avoided home, shown no warmth and consideration or respect as a human being, for example (plus other ugly behaviour). When your parent doesn't see you and it's like you don't exist.
So how can they live alone?

I was not taken care of at all.

In this case, I always just sleep until late afternoon, evening or all day, don't know how to talk to people or invite them out, feel lonely and often scared about all this. I just don't know what to do with my time. (This is the same if I live with more people but I feel relieved if someone “knows" about this issue.) Every day is the same. Everything depends on you which is frightening because you can live in a mess and no one will know. I feel unpleasant and like I can't take care of my basic needs. And I can end up alone for a long time.

What do you think about this? Any advice?

[NeedHaldol]

Try to set small goals for you to accomplish each day.

Start with 3 things, do it for a week, add 3 more, etc.

Being creative is a very powerful therapy tool. Write, draw, paint, make music, scrap book, etc.

[Jellyfish18]

If I do it by myself, I just feel terrible.

[Rose76]

Improving your life means making yourself do things that you don't feel like doing. Otherwise you just stay the way you are and there's no hope. NeedHaldol made a very good suggestion. You set a few small goals and meet them. That's how you build up mentally.

You can't change your past which sounds awful. So stop spending so much mental energy remembering how bad it was. Say, "What can I do today?"

[Jellyfish18]

But I don't need to improve mentally but need to improve emotionally. So what can I do about that? If there is no one necessarily to help out?

[Rose76]

If splitting hairs is important to you, then go ahead.

If arguing is important to you, go ahead.

This is why you're not making progress in life.

[eskielover]

Get a therapist who focuses in DBT. They can teach you skills to improve your emotional capability BUT never forget mindfulness takes both the emotional area mind & the logical area to function together to make wise choices for your life. Both areas of the mind are critical & there may be part of your logical mind (what you call MENTALLY) that isn't functioning with much needed skills either.

In other words you can't separate your logical mind & your emotional mind development. They work together. You have some concepts that don't go with the way the mind actually works. A good psychologist would be a worthwhile benefit to teach you the skills YOU NEED TO LEARN. It takes a lot of work & practice to learn skills that will help you..no magic wand works

[divine1966]

You may need a good therapist to help you to find your path. Since you sleep all day it's fair to assume you neither work nor go to school.

I understand you might be depressed abd that's why you don't work or go to school but at the same time it's not uncommon to feel depressed if you are home in bed all day. I understand you feel lonely but do you think you'd feel less lonely if you have to get up abd go somewhere?

I also understand you don't have good parents. Mine are difficult too. That's when therapy could help and as adult you might want to try living your own life, apart from your parents as they sound unhelpful.

[Crazy Hitch]

Do you have a job? Even a part time one? I think that this could be great for you and help you get a bit of independence. Start buying a few of your own things and cooking your own meals. Do your own washing once a week.

You'd be surprised at how much you can manage on your own, even if it's just raman noodles once a week in lieu of cooking when you don't feel like it.

[Sunflower123]

I encourage you to seek the help of a therapist if you aren't already seeing one. You've gotten excellent advice here about how to make progress in small steps each day. Good luck and best wishes.

I sometimes sleep during the day too (I just woke up today at 3PM, but I was in the ER all night so a little different) . It's not the end of the world so long as it doesn't cause you to miss appointments or things like that. But just because your sleep schedule is off doesnt mean you can't get on a schedule. For example, I make sure the house is clean once a day, take a shower once a day and eat 3 meals a day. Usually breakfast and dinner I do the easy microwave type stuff but for dinner I try to cook. Even if that's just thawing a piece of meat, seasoning it, putting it in the oven and heating canned veggies in a pan. I go to the store at least every 2 days and wash my clothes twice a week.

As far as having people to do things with, you could always just message your friends and ask if they want to hang out sometime when they aren't busy. I do this, but by choice I only have a few people irl who I enjoy being around. I also go to a day program where there's groups etc, but only when I feel like it. I spend a lot of time on the internet, probably more than I should.

The situation with your parents is unfortunate. I can't/Don't rely on any of my family for anything either. I think it's important that you learn to live alone because people won't always be around.

[avlady]

i think you are stuck in a rut. After my accident i was by myself in my room and was very depressed because i was soo bad off. it took a lot of strength to get out of bed and my parents ended up admitting me to a pshyc ward. i learned from this and other experiences likewise, and i am alot almost about 80 % better than i was 30 years ago. i hope and pray you can get the help you need and good luck.

I would recommend trying to be self sufficient (physically and emotionally) before trying to reach out to others or trying to draw strength from other people, because they are unpredictable.

Have you ever tried rewarding yourself for doing things? It sounds like you want to do things, but also don't want to because doing things is futile; because you are alone, no one will notice that you've done something -- ergo, you don't exist, so why should you do anything?

I often feel like I need to have someone hold my hand through tasks that don't even require much effort. During those times I may feel invisible, or physically empty, easily collapsible, as if someone could put their hand through my stomach.

So I talk to myself. If I'm very scared, I will say, "Good job, you are squeezing toothpaste onto your toothbrush," and then after brushing: "Good job, you brushed your teeth." Similarly: "Good job, you opened a word document to start writing your essay," or "Good job, you got dressed and went to the library - now open a word document." And I have an imaginary friend/imaginary loving parent figure who I will say, "Your imaginary friend loves you so much and is so proud of you. You were very good and tried your best and did something today, even if it was not perfect. (Their name) will buy you a coffee. Or a special type of food for a cooking project. Or a plant that you like."

This, I think, is a way to acknowledge your efforts and feel like someone is there to take care of you so you aren't on your own. It also is a way to trick yourself into doing more (starting a small garden, going out for coffee, buying groceries, checking an interesting book out from the library and even other self care acts like applying nail polish). You might even meet people this way.

Some people I know even do reward charts, where they X out chores they've scheduled. Say, if they brush their teeth twice a day, they give themselves a sticker. If they eat three healthy meals, they'll give themselves another reward. Something like that. Personally I've never had the discipline to do this, and my imagination isn't so strong. (Like you, I need that push from another person - motivating myself sometimes isn't good enough, and I can't totally imagine that it's another person giving me those treats.)

You have a routine of sleeping. Now just tweak that routine. Make a schedule (structure your time) so doing things isn't so overwhelming. Be proud of yourself. Start small. Don't feel too bad if you really need to stay in bed. Tomorrow is another day.

What do you think of that? (Apologies if this is totally not relevant to your question.)

[Jellyfish18]

Thank you all. I really do lack some skills or something because I just end up alone, or I am just generally alone. I think the main thing is that I do do things but it does not help in terms of socialising, etc.

[eskielover]

Most of us lack some sort of skills because NO parents have it together enough to teach their kids everything they need to know. Sadly that seems from my long years of observation & experience to just be the way it is. But as I said in my previous post, that is what therapy provides....the teaching process for those skills we are lacking, those skills we were never taught or picked up through life experiences. Therapy also provides ACCOUNTABILITY which is important too because they are able to check in our progress of leaving those skills.

The other thing about learning skills is that it doesn't just happen because we intellectually KNOW THE SKILL. It takes lots of work putting the skill into practice & practicing, practicing, practicing until it just becomes your new normal.

There MAY BE psych reasons why socializing is more difficult for you also....that is also something a Therapist will be able to diagnose. It's not always a learned or not learned situation sometimes it's the way the mind works.....& they can teach skills that can help deal with that too.

My father & my ex-H were incapable of socializing. Researching their behaviors years later the reason became obvious something that with the current psych/Therapist capabilities would have been known.

[Jellyfish18]

Eskie with all respect, if it affects other life areas and your wellbeing something is not right, "not having enough skill" is one thing but since I can remember I had trouble with this and now it is a big issue. I don't know how a therapist could help and I DO give them a chance. This is affecting my life. Most people have a few people they get along with, I have some trouble with most all ... I can't imagine living alone like this or anything because it just feels like I will be alone. And I can't be alone. If the only people I can get along with are "older people" who "take care of me", it is not good because they will grow old and what will I do then?
I was not taught these skills by a therapist or psychiatrist ... it feels like only a peer could teach me. Or a good therapist. I don't know why I am having so much trouble with these things ... It is really not normal that I seem to just end up alone all the time?

[Jellyfish18]

I mean honestly, if your child was only home (without even mentioning other things), would you not DO something? Would you just ignore the fact they don't go out? But this is meaningless, and still nobody else does help. I cannot spend my life in a house. Honestly I have not met a therapist who helped with this.
I was also left home until evening since early age. I don't know if this is the reason for my struggles. Then I was young and scared. Things weren't even sorted home so I thought it would get better if I stay home and work hard, and it didn't get better. ?? Don't you think it is not normal to live like this?

[Trippin2.0]

So we've established that you suck at relationships... Ok. That definitely needs work, but your other main complaint is the fact that you do nothing.

Why do you do nothing?

What physically stops you from getting out of bed, hopping into a shower and going out the front door to explore your city for the day?

[Jellyfish18]

I don't actively suck, I just do not know how to establish a good relationship and keep it going. People stop talking to me.
What stops me is that I am alone and I cannot do this anymore. I feel lonely going around on my own so I do it only when I have to do something more or less. But even inside house, I just sleep and stay on internet now.
Don't worry, I was the opposite of this and very active and it did not make a lot of difference ... I was also active as a child and it did not make a lot of difference.
Also I simply don't know what meaningful to do.
My therapist seems to treat it like "a phase" or whatnot but sometimes I think if he was serious he would recommend a doctor. This is NOT normal?

[Trippin2.0]

A dr can't give you resilience, I really wish it were available in pill form, so I myself can take some PRN, but sadly that's not an option. And resilience is exactly what you need.

You say your therapist doesn't take you seriously, doesn't seem like you take yourself seriously either.

Since your very first post here WRT your "I do nothing" issue, what steps have YOU taken to change that?

Sure its not always nice to go out alone, some days the idea itself sucks, but as you've pointed out numerous times yourself, nothing except you is actually stopping you.

Going out alone cannot physically kill you, and you have to go somewhere because people are not going to line up outside your bedroom door wanting to make friends. That's not how life works.

No. Unfortunately you're going to have to bite the bullet and do that which you loathe, if you are to have any hope of rectifying this situation. And for that dear jelly, you're going to need a shytload of resilience.

[Jellyfish18]

Um. I did do that? I do that? What does it matter? The point is, it does not bring me close relationships.

[Rose76]

Doctors, basically, are in the business of prescribing drugs. There is no drug that fixes your problem. You are actually right, to a large extent - IMHO - that this is a case of failure to be taught from an early age. If you find your way to a doctor about this issue, most likely something will be prescribed for you. You will be told that the drug could make it easier for you to learn the adaptations you need to learn. I'ld be very skeptical of that. My guess is that you were inadequately socialised growing up. Perhaps you are on the autism spectrum, which might indicate that you lacked the capacity to be normally socialized. Your question is about where you go from here.

My comment, here, is that you are right to not want your problem minimized. As I see it, there is no easy solution. I don't believe that 50 minutes once a week in a therapist office is going to do much more than give you 50 minutes a week of not being alone. That leaves a lot of week left for you to feel unchanged. Ideally, I wish there were what I would call "immersion programs," where individuals like yourself could be in a forced, moderated socializing environment. This would be like a partial hospitalization program. I was in a PHP, and it did help me improve social skills. What I envision may not exist.

I realize what I'm saying does not help solve anything. My main point is that this is a very tough problem. It should not be minimized, as something that can be readily fixed with some counseling.

Human beings, however, have been known to overcome very huge deficits, if they are sufficiently motivated. People without hands have learned to play the guitar with their feet. You are not all that motivated, unfortunately. You ardently wish things were different. You fervently desire that someone could annd would help you. But that's where your motivation ends. You're not willing to activate yourself. You are depressed, and you live a lifestyle that fosters depression. Depression is the great unmotivator. So you're trapped.

People solve really tough challenges by being willing to make very large effort, even when there is no guarantee that the effort will pay off - at all. They take risks. They keep trying things. But that requires an ability to tolerate repeated failure, in hope of eventual success. Not everyone can withstand the discouragement of trying and trying and not having a lot to show for their effort. But that's what it probably takes to escape the trap you are in.

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Doctors, basically, are in the business of prescribing drugs. There is no drug that fixes your problem. You are actually right, to a large extent - IMHO - that this is a case of failure to be taught from an early age. If you find your way to a doctor about this issue, most likely something will be prescribed for you. You will be told that the drug could make it easier for you to learn the adaptations you need to learn. I'ld be very skeptical of that. My guess is that you were inadequately socialised growing up. Perhaps you are on the autism spectrum, which might indicate that you lacked the capacity to be normally socialized. Your question is about where you go from here.

My comment, here, is that you are right to not want your problem minimized. As I see it, there is no easy solution. I don't believe that 50 minutes once a week in a therapist office is going to do much more than give you 50 minutes a week of not being alone. That leaves a lot of week left for you to feel unchanged. Ideally, I wish there were what I would call "immersion programs," where individuals like yourself could be in a forced, moderated socializing environment. This would be like a partial hospitalization program. I was in a PHP, and it did help me improve social skills. What I envision may not exist.

I realize what I'm saying does not help solve anything. My main point is that this is a very tough problem. It should not be minimized, as something that can be readily fixed with some counseling.

Human beings, however, have been known to overcome very huge deficits, if they are sufficiently motivated. People without hands have learned to play the guitar with their feet. You are not all that motivated, unfortunately. You ardently wish things were different. You fervently desire that someone could annd would help you. But that's where your motivation ends. You're not willing to activate yourself. You are depressed, and you live a lifestyle that fosters depression. Depression is the great unmotivator. So you're trapped.

People solve really tough challenges by being willing to make very large effort, even when there is no guarantee that the effort will pay off - at all. They take risks. They keep trying things. But that requires an ability to tolerate repeated failure, in hope of eventual success. Not everyone can withstand the discouragement of trying and trying and not having a lot to show for their effort. But that's what it probably takes to escape the trap you are in.

I do keep trying things. I am just thinking WHERE I can learn this, as yes, counselling may not be enough. Motivation is good but one needs a teacher.
So there are no immersion programs or anything? What about this PHP, are you saying there might not be this where I live?

[divine1966]

are you on disability? If not who pays your bills? Your savings will run out. You'll need to pay rent and buy food. You'll need a job soon.

Where do you live? There must be some vocational agencies and social services agencies? Do you have a documented disability? Anxiety disorder? There must be services in your area to help you learn skills. Tell me where you live and I can locate resources for you.

[Jellyfish18]

Trust me. I don't know where I can learn relationship skills the way I need them ... It feels I cannot live alone due to sheer anxiety that I can't cope on my own.