Living and relationships

So how are you currently living? Are you with family, roommates, or are you in an apartment by yourself?

As far as how to learn things, experience can be a great teacher. Experience would be just about anything: work, school, clubs, volunteer work.

No law says you have to live alone. Some people never live alone. Maybe you shouldn't either.

With a flatmate. Maybe not but I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, friends might leave and older people be gone and I already feel alone.
I have a lot of experience ... still I end up alone right now ...

I am not sure you read my post. I told you I can find resources for you. If you don't want to post on here you can PM me. There are resources in each state (if you are on the US) and in most countries, but I need to know where you live. If you situation warrants it you might need to live in group home.

I am sorry, I don't want to offend but it seems a bit as you didn't read some replies where people ask valid questions or give you suggestions.

Do you get along okay with people on a job?

From her earliest posts, the answer is not really, she meets new people but its all surface level friendships, no real connection...

Working makes her feel sad and bad because she sees other people connecting and then she gets overwhelmed by the pain of being forever alone, so she quits.

Lots of jobs don't allow any time for connecting or socializing. It's tough to make connections on the job even if you have no big issue with that

Many people just work so they can pay bills. It's not ideal but for many it's a reality. Now when you work you can hopefully afford things like taking community class or see a therapist etc etc If OP doesn't work she can't afford any of it. It kind of becomes a cycle of despair. Work is depressing but not working is worse because on top of being miserable, you can't afford anything.

Like Trippin 2.0 said, in those jobs people do actually socialise to a degree and it is hard for me because I only do have surface connections. What she said. It is not easy for me to work knowing these things because I am exposed to the same situation ... all the time. People gain deeper connections with time and I can't just stay on the periphery.
Please tell me what do you think is wrong with me? Is it an attachment issue? Inadequate socialisation? Inappropriate parenting? This has been an issue for as long as I remember but it used to be less noticeable in school age. It has to be stopped.

Have you talked to a doctor, perhaps you need proper diagnosis. People with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) have difficulty connecting for example. I'd make an appointment with psychiatrist and describe my struggles and see if I can be diagnosed, then maybe it would be easier to get resources .

When mY husband was finally diagnosed in his 20sc(not ASD) he had clarity, his struggles made sense then. I'd pursue that if it was me.

I've already told you, Jelly, what I thought was the origin of your problem. If you want some diagnostic label to put on yourself, go to a psychiatrist. But, then, where does that get you? You say you got poor parenting. I believe you. What happened to you growing up can't be helped. The past is what it is. Your job, now, is to decide: "What do I do next?" If you need a guarantee, or promise, that a certain approach will work, no one can give you that.

Have you ever been diagnosed with being on the autism spectrum ( higher functioning used to be called Aspergers'). If not it might be worth looking into to know whether that may be at the base of your issues. At least if they check for it you would know one way or the other if that is or isn't the cause for the issues you are struggling with. The main behavioral issues with that are the inability to emotionally connect & also difficulties communicating with others.....both are issues you say you struggle with so it might be worthwhile to have that possibility checked out.

If that is the Issue underlying your problems at least then they would know how to help you to the best of your own abilities.

I don't think I have Asperger's ...

Ok Rose but I can't hold on on my own. I need to find somewhere to live with someone who cares for me or something like it. Because I can't hold on myself with all these things. I feel anxious and unwell. It is not easy to find someone who would let me stay with them.
I have been in bed for two months now, not knowing what to do with myself. Feeling isolated. I know something is wrong.

With all this talk of your neediness, it's starting to sound like a personality disorder.

Perhaps dependent personality.

Yes we are social creatures and most of us need someone, but you make people sound equivalent to oxygen.

IMHO, not very healthy.

Yes, something is wrong.

I don't know where you can go to find someone who will care for you.

I'd call my doctor first and ask to refer me somewhere asap. Psychiatric services. If I didn't get out of bed for two months I'd ask to check me into a hospital. Residential treatment of sorts. Or short stay. Not getting out of bed for two months warrants more drastic help than what internet site could offer. I worry that if untreated it could get worse. Seek help please

Tipping might be on to something with personality disorder especially dependent pd. Psycentral recommends to see a psychiatrist about it as the first step.

I have been in bed for two months practically, and just on the internet all this time. Nobody tells me what I can do about this. Tomorrow I will speak to someone about this. Unfortunately when I tell them my struggles they don't seem to take me seriously or they think I will "be through" with it. I wish someone would "busy" me and give some guidance not just leave me to myself. There is not many things I can do if I am so alone.

We keep giving you guidance all the time. Have you talked to your doctor and then to a psychiatrist? That should be your step one. Perhaps therapist isn't enough at this point.

Jelly, how are you supporting yourself? Do you shop for groceries? Or does your flatmate get things for you.

Professional people evaluating you look for signs of "grave self-neglect." If you were 85 years old, these people would take you more seriously. If you were very elderly and telling people you couldn't care for yourself, they would be looking to get you admitted into a nursing home - where you would be fed and checked on and given help with anything you needed help with. Someone would even give you a shower, if you needed help with that.

Once in a while young people are admitted to nursing homes, if the young person is paralysed or has Down Syndrome. Nobody is putting you in that category because you are not paralyzed. You can read and write coherently. You are intelligent and organized enough to go online and communicate. So society's expectation is that you are responsible for caring for you.

If you are can't cope with life, then someone or you, yourself, can call to be a evaluated by whatever department of your local government that does that. In the United States, every community has a "Department of Adult Protection Services." They evaluate adults who have a physical or mental impairment that makes them unable to cope with caring for themselves. In Britain, as in any modern country, there is some agency doing the same thing. You can find out that agency and their phone number. Any policeman can tell you. Then a social worker would come visit you and listen to you describe your problem. Then arrangements would be made to get help to do for you whatever you're incapable of doing for yourself. Also, a legal guardian for you would be appointed by the court. That could be a relative, or one of the people that the court has available to perform that role.

These kind of measures aren't undertaken lightly. If you tell the social worker, "I'm lonely. I want to be given the attention that my parents failed to give me when I was growing up." then the social worker is going to say, "Sorry, but society doesn't provide that. You will have to solve your problem as best you can."

Some individuals like yourself end up homeless and wandering around with nowhere to call home. There are services to help those people, but no one goes out to totally rescue them. You probably have seen homeless people in your town, or in the city nearest to you.

So that's how it goes for people who fail to take care of themselves. Trippin has a very good insight, saying that you seem to have traits of a person with Dependent Personality Disorder. You haven't gotten in to a relationship where someone is willing to take care of you. I think what you're hoping for is a fantasy. You're an adult. No one is going to "adopt" you and give to you what you missed out on as a child.

This is how some young women get lured into prostitution. They become homeless and wander around. Quite soon they get noticed and approached by someone who offers to "take care" of them. But they have to do something in return. In life, there is a price for everything.

dear jellyfish18, what do you mean when you say you were violently ignored? i wish i had an answer to your problems. if only there was a family you could move in with, who could be the family you should have had when you were young, who could treat you how you should have been treated. that would really help. i wish you could find one. it's never too late to fix things and to feel better, even if just a little. all the best to you.

Thanks Terry. Rose as far as I know, having a legal guardian here means even your finances are managed by another person and you stay under them forever.
I don't want to listen to other things necessarily. It is a bit more serious than "not get attention". For some background, I was left home alone since an early age all day until evening with not much guidance. I was left to play on my own. I just did what I thought was ok. I did spend too much time online, too. And I did not go out because nobody was home and I was scared. Now nobody calls to ask if I have a job or anything, what I am doing..
I am sure some kind of help exists for me. Because being in bed all the time is not good for you and I can't live like this. I can't be so insignificant and invisible. I need care and activities. Surely someone provides this.

I'm still not sure I quite understand why you don't provide this care and physical activities for yourself.

There are certain things that just can't be done for us...

Opting out of life because its uncomfortable to do things alone, doesn't quite justify wasting away in bed for two months.

There's nothing physically stopping you except you.

Waiting for someone to come live your life for you will get you nowhere, unless Rose is wrong and you actually manage to get someone to adopt you.

If you manage to swing that then please teach me, I would also like to be taken care of.

I think the issue is that we don't see you in person and cannot evaluate you or your exact issue. I think if someone can see and talk to you in person they can determine what's the issue. But you need to seek help.

I am sure if I told my therapist that I didn't leave my bed for two months, she'd take it seriously. If therapist isn't taking it seriously then your doctor should. Or vocational services or police or church etc et. Professionals can evaluate you in person. You seem to reject any ideas that we suggest.

I understand you are suffering and you were neglected as a child but you need to seek help in real life and right now please.

Most single adults don't get a phone call from people asking if they got a job or what you are doing. It could lonely if you live alone but most people won't care if you have a job or not, even if it's a family. That's just reality. There are ton of people who do not have family at all. Like zero family. They still need to work and pay bills. Or apply for disability

Activities are important but it's not a priority for adults. There is help out there. You have to seek it though

So what did you do before you stayed in bed for the last 2 months?

At your age unless you are totally mentally incompetent people take cars of themselves & determine their own activities they chose to be involved with....so no, normally NO ONE provides those kinds of things in another adult person's life. Where have you come br expecting this kind of thing? What example of this kind of care for other adults have you ever seen to make you think this is even normal?

I believe you, Jelly, when you say you were neglected. I posted earlier in the thread that I don't think your problem should be minimized. You deserve compassion. Your upbringing probably has left you handicapped in a way that seriously impairs your quality of life.

A young adult with a severe emotional handicap can be put into a group home where round-the-clock care is provided. Activities are also provided. These individuals are taken on group outings sometimes. And, yes, all these individuals have guardians appointed by the court, who do control their money. So it sounds like you wouldn't want that.

You want something much more intensive than once-a-week therapy, but less intensive than being put in a group home. The only thing I know of would be a "Partial Hospitalization Program" or a "Psychosocial Rehabilitation Program." You might very well qualify for something like that. These programs give you a place to go to during the day. They do have organized activities - trips, going to a pool for swimming, going to the movies, etc. Psychsocial rehab sounds the closest to what you are envisioning. These programs would not give you any place to live other than where you are. They would usually provide lunch. You'ld be responsible for fixing breakfast and supper at home on your own. You'ld still be living where you are. A doctor could refer you for an evaluation to be admitted to PHP or Psychosocial Rehab.

If you wanted more care than those programs provide, then you would have to get longterm hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital.

I think I've covered about all the options that are out there. However someone else may know of something I'm not aware of.