My girlfriend is talking to a gay friend and she hides from me!!!!!

My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than two years now. We both love each other very much and even had a baby for three months and aborted it because we are not married yet and we are still going to school to get a our degree's.
My girlfriend likes making friends and she is a good listener. Whenever she talks to male friends I get jealous and I keep thinking about it whenever im not with her that oh she must be talking with him or she must be with him. She started liking this guy who she thinks he is cute and spending time with him at school while im in class or talking and texting to him all the time. We had argued about it and she said its nothing but just friends but I always doubted her and checked her phone that she made any calls to him or texted him and after a while she completely stopped talking or texting him.
Then at work she was talking to this black dude and giving rides to him to home after work in the night and again we had a fight over this issue and she stopped talking to him also. We did not have a child yet.
Then after six months I thought everything is fine and we had a baby and had to abort it since we were not married. Until I recently found out that she is talking this gay security guy who works with her at work. She calls him, texts him and they both bring coffees to each other and hang out. He gave her a pen as a gift. And she go to see him on her off days when im at work and talk to him after saying good night to me at night. While I was checking her phone and want to organize her contacts and I found out this guy number and asked her who’s number is this and she lied to me saying it’s a girl number and she snatched the phone away from me and locked it.
I called that number from my phone and I found out that was a guy. I caught her couple of times when she was with me and texting to him. And I caught her red handed talking to him in the parking lot while she said to me she is still working late night at 12pm and she gave me a story of some trouble and that’s why this security guy was here. And she was erasing the messages from him somehow I managed to checked the messages and I saw these messages (I like hanging with you, Are you sleeping I think you need coffee, I will came to visit you today, It does I feel so smart! Good morning, Wow you can spell my name im shocked, Im using your pen, I c you, Good night sleep tight) when I saw these messages these are so disturbing to me and we fought and she told me that she was hiding from me because I get mad if she talks to any guy friends even if he is straight or gay. And she said he is a gay and they are just friends and nothing much going on between them. And said that she love me more than anything else and for god sake I had a baby with you and im committed to you.
After we fight over she calls me and talks to me very sweet and leaves me messages like this (Baby I love you more than anything, You are the apple of my eye you are my present and future, Baby now im thinking about our baby he would have been 4 months, I miss him, I miss you baby) when she writes messages like these I feel that is true and she loves to me death, but I still have doubt whenever she tells me something where I feel she is lying to me.
Is there anything I should worry about? What is happening im I just insecure or jealous. She even told me once that im very insecure person. Im really confused. What should I do so that I can trust her completely? Or am I created this problem myself doubting her all the time when she was talking to guy friends. I don’t know I can’t sleep properly and im thinking about it all the time. What can I do to improve our relationship and my doubts and insecurity? I have totally committed to her and want to get married to her and love her to death. Please help.

You can't control your girl friend, no matter what, just yourself, so if I were you I'd find a counselor and work on your jealousy and need for control over her to feel "safe"/good? If she has to lie/hide from your prying into her life, it can only get worse the more you obsess/try to control her and she might get really tired of it and hook up with someone who isn't controlling but just accepts her.

I had a husband like you, once. He wouldn't allow me to talk to anyone that wasn't HIS choosing, he would follow me wherever I went, if he called me on the phone and it was busy, he'd get angry and ask me who I was talking to. First, I started lying to him. The I realized that what he felt for me was NOT love, it was ownership and control. Twelve yrs later and two kids, I divorced him. Would that I had never married him!

As for your poll, I don't know what your question is.

yeah i think there is a serious problem. you need to work on your jealousy and fear dude, or you are likely to push her away such that she WILL end up cheating on you. its a sad sad situation but all too frequent that if someone becomes totally obsessed with the idea that their partner is cheating... precisely that can cause them to cheat (when they wouldn't have done otherwise).

part of it can be about... a funny idea of 'being jealous shows her i really love her'. except... it doesn't. it is like being jealous shows her that you don't trust her. and... i guess you don't trust her. it is like you think that she can only be friends with one person and if she hangs out a little with someone else then she can't be friends with you.

i hope you guys have the birth control thing figured out now.

if you want to lose her keep acting the way you are, she feels that she has to hide because you want to control, remember "Life is like a butterfly, if it's meant to be it will stay , if not let it fly"
Get counciling or you may lose her

I think it is very sad that you think you have to behave this way toward a woman. I don't like to feel like someone is trying to own me & that is exactly what your behavior says. It may be jealousy, it may be insecurity. Whatever the personality problem is, it is to the point where you need professional help to learn how to be a true part of a relationship & not stop trying to own it & control it.

There isn't a person in the world that wants to be controlled to that point....it can only drive people away from you & I don't think that is what you want if you every truely want a permanent marriage relationship. This kind of behavior will never get you to that point. A relationship is a partnership....not someone controlling the other & owning every thing the other person does.

It sounds like you both are playing games with each other. It's a good thing that there is no child in the middle of this crazyness.

First off, if I were you, I would get professional therapy to work on your personality issues & to find out where your thinking is really coming from. Why you feel the need to control the other person?, why you feel the need to be jealous? I also think you need to work on the meaning of love because if a guy told me that he loved me & then treated me the way you do, the actions don't match the words.

Until you are able to work on yourself & fix the personality issues that you have, you aren't ready for any permanent relationship.

Please get some help,
Debbie

thank you so much guys. yes I for sure now know that the problem is within me I have to work on it asap. I really appreciate your help and help me see the actually problem. I did not know untill now that i had this problem with me because i have never have been in a long term relationship before even though i had couple of them which were a disaster. the first one did not really work because she liked someone else and the second one she cheated on me i think part of the problem was the second relationship i had also. now i know that Im the bad one and i need to work on my problem first before i loose her completely.

thank you so much for enlighting me

hey. i don't think that you are the 'bad one' but i do think that you need to work on yourself. i'd say... that your girlfriend has some issues too - i mean, she has put up with this thus far and so i expect she isn't all psychologically healthy and everything either.

relationship patterns tend to recurr over and over until we figure out what is driving those patterns for us and we take steps to change them.

is there anyway you guys could do some sort of couples therapy together?

if one of your past girlfriends cheated on you then it would be understandable that you have some concerns and fears around that. it might be that you guys could both work on having a more trusting and honest relationship.

getting stuck in a cycle of lying and mistrust doesn't sound fun for either party... doesn't matter who started it the situation is typically that both parties are caught in their own relationship pattern trap. so it kind of emerges in relation to one another rather than one person being solely to blame.

you know... you are to be commended for coming here and posting about it. it shows that you are motivated to having a happier healthier relationship :-)

well i would get mad if she was taking guys home from work at night and stuff to.. especially if shes hiding it.. she could of atleast called u and said what she was doing.. that way u knew... id be pissed if my b/f did that wether or not hes cheating.... i know its not good to be jealous and all but its nout right for her to keep things from u either.....

like alexandra k said, you are "not bad " just confused on relationships, I agree see if she will go to counsiling with you

[QUOTE=handsome007;522134]My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than two years now. We both l
ove each other very much and even had a baby for three months and aborted it because we are not married yet and we are still going to school to get a our degree's.

My girlfriend likes making friends and she is a good listener. Whenever she talks to male friends I get jealous and I keep thinking about it whenever im not with her that oh she must be talking with him or she must be with him. She started liking this guy who she thinks he is cute and spending time with him at school while im in class or talking and texting to him all the time. We had argued about it and she said its nothing but just friends but I always doubted her and checked her phone that she made any calls to him or texted him and after a while she completely stopped talking or texting him.

Then at work she was talking to this black dude and giving rides to him to home after work in the night and again we had a fight over this issue and she stopped talking to him also. We did not have a child yet.

Then after six months I thought everything is fine and we had a baby and had to abort it since we were not married. Until I recently found out that she is talking this gay security guy who works with her at work. She calls him, texts him and they both bring coffees to each other and hang out. He gave her a pen as a gift. And she go to see him on her off days when im at work and talk to him after saying good night to me at night. While I was checking her phone and want to organize her contacts and I found out this guy number and asked her who’s number is this and she lied to me saying it’s a girl number and she snatched the phone away from me and locked it.

I called that number from my phone and I found out that was a guy. I caught her couple of times when she was with me and texting to him. And I caught her red handed talking to him in the parking lot while she said to me she is still working late night at 12pm and she gave me a story of some trouble and that’s why this security guy was here. And she was erasing the messages from him somehow I managed to checked the messages and I saw these messages (I like hanging with you, Are you sleeping I think you need coffee, I will came to visit you today, It does I feel so smart! Good morning, Wow you can spell my name im shocked, Im using your pen, I c you,

Good night sleep tight) when I saw these messages these are so disturbing to me and we fought and she told me that she was hiding from me because I get mad if she talks to any guy friends even if he is straight or gay. And she said he is a gay and they are just friends and nothing much going on between them. And said that she love me more than anything else and for god sake I had a baby with you and im committed to you.

After we fight over she calls me and talks to me very sweet and leaves me messages like this (Baby I love you more than anything, You are the apple of my eye you are my present and future, Baby now im thinking about our baby he would have been 4 months, I miss him, I miss you baby) when she writes messages like these I feel that is true and she loves to me death, but I still have doubt whenever she tells me something where I feel she is lying to me.
Is there anything I should worry about? What is happening im I just insecure or jealous. She even told me

The exact same situation happened to me and my relationship and i allowed my girl friend complete freedom to the point one month she wanted permission to move out of my place and live in the same room and BED with her gay friend as he was experiencing some emotional problems with his landlord and whilst i was open to this idea as I completely trusted her..it turns out that she ended up cheating on me (one night stand) with her work colleague ironically on the same bed when her gay friend had gone overseas for 1 week.

Since she opened up and confessed to me I have forgvien her and trying to help her emotionally for the past 6 months but now it is extremely difficult to allow her to hang out with even any gay guys and she develops intense emotional dependance on these guys and then acts out her emotions with another man who is conveniently at work. although nobody suppprts control and jealousy in a relationship setting up clear boundaries with people outside of your relationship is beneficial to long term happines. A HAPPY marriage or relationship is a union of two people and a shared life together to the exclusion of all others