Does he have a girlfriend???

Hi everybody. I really need your advice.
I give you the recipe, please tell how it "tastes" :

Guy is hitting on me. Seems the shy sort. I see pictures of his daughter in his office. Next time (slow guy) he says he has shared custody (instead of saying he is divorced). When I suggest to have a drink he seems thrilled, but changes his mind the next week and says that he has a girlfriend. Oops? Nobody present reacts in any way. I believe it and say bye bye.
4 weeks later, I meet him again, he says he is single and that he has nobody to take care of his daughter the next day. He says he wants to stay single, that he has been been single for 6 years. He just went on vacation with his daughter. Ok??? After that he is still hitting on me but alwways avoiding a drink, a restaurant etc.. MMMh weird. But he tells he what he is doing, where he is going in his free time (exact locations, days etc...). A bit suicidal if he has a girlfriend I think, but hey.
I try the direct approach : what do you want ? Result : Panic!!! Since he believes I am having an affair with his best friend, I explain that I am not interested in men with girlfriends. He takes the hint, and says : "Really ? I have a girlfriend !" Okkk
Where is this conversation going?? After that I just try to avoid him, but he keeps coming back, still giving me his detailed schedule. He even told me he likes women to make the first step (yea, right).
Again I put a lot of distance between us. Now after I had an argument with his best friend, he almost jumped on me and.....nothing. I tried to squeeze some info out of his secretary (not a good idea. She just hates me) who said that he had a girlfriend. When I said I was surprised nobody ever mentions her, that he doesn't go on vacation with her, that he doesn't even have a picture of her in his office, she says : she just takes what he gives her. She has no choice. Weird.
I decided to talk to him. I said that he should take care of his girlfriend instead of talking to me. He thought I was making a joke. He sais he was all alone that evening, but maybe he should see his girlfriend ??? He then gave me again his exact schedule of the WE. I had the feeling he was trying to make me jealous.
1) I have never seen him with another girl.
2) Nobody mentions her in a normal conversation
3) He mentions her when it's convenient (like to put me at a distance)

On the other hand :

1) Even though she hates me, why would the secretary lie ?
2) Maybe she is just a gap filler when he is really bored ? (but he seemed really bored last summer)

This is crazy. During his lunch break he takes care of his father, most of the time of his daughter, and then the buddies.
I am at my wit's ends. I can't get a reliable source of information ! It drives me crazy and I don't know if it is worth insisting with this guy or not. He has great qualities but a girlfriend would be a no, no. What should I do ? What course of action ? It is so hard to have a real conversation with him. He is dreading them like a naughty child a punishment. Help !!

i wouldn't go thru all of that for someone i'd not had the first date with. just being honest.

i would find someone to admits they're avaiable and plays it straight.

just saying what i THINK i would do. that answer may vary if i were actually in the situation and he was extraordinary.

gl!

kd

Thanks. Yes I understand. I may be wrong but he seems really extraordinary. I have never seen anybody taking such good care of his father and his daughter. I have also watched him taking care of a disabled patient. He was very thoughtful. I was really impressed. Which explains why I am hooked and miserable.

One of a few things could be going on here... 1) He is not into you and he is trying very hard to let you down easy but is really driving you nuts... 2) He is gay - which I know sounds cliched - but I part of the LGBT community and this is how I behaved in the past when I was panicked about someone finding out that my partner wasn't who or what they thought she was. Its easier to keep people off their game if you mess with their heads a bit. or 3.) The guy is really super shy and REALLY socially inept. Which to me - means that either way you slice it.. he isn't worth the time or energy.

Oh and for the record, I know a lot of people that are great with their family and clients (because they are expected to) but they can still make LOUSY life companions.

Well it is not N°2. He wouldn't try to touch me every time we meet (mostly shoulder grabbing). Maybe N°1 but since he made his point and I didn't seem upset (coz I had for some reason I can't explain a hard time believing him), so why coming back ???? And saying he wanted to see me even if he panicked and changed his mind later.
N°3 seems the most probable to me, but then why let go ? It is difficult, OK but not mission impossible. I think I can balance his character. I believe we compensate each other's "flaws". I might be wrong and kidding myself. I just wonder what I should do to make things go in some direction. What would you
do ?

P.S. He divorced 8 years ago and his girlfriend dumped him 6 years ago. So I know it is not going to be a piece of cake.

Hi, Pimp,
I have followed your posts about this man, and unless he can give you some comfort in your interactions with him, I think you should dismiss and walk away from it.
Yeah, the care for others is impressive and intriguing. But unless he can relate to you in a meaningful way, you are wasting your valuable time and energy.
Seeker

Yes I agree but I still wonder if I should give him more time to see if he gets further out of his shell (he started after all) ? Or should I just tell him to stop behaving like that (may be risky) or just ignore him more in the hope it will make him think. I don't meet him much by chance so I can't just leave things to chance.
Yes, he is a sweet person with his daughter and father. He has about 10 pictures of her in his office.

Possibly in his mind if you make the first move than he would not have to claim responsability for what ever would happen between you with his girlfriend. Red flags going up all over the place here. I would not take lightly what his secretary said. What she said fits the picture I was getting of him. My gut was turning inside out reading about him. Please be careful!

larks

I agree about the responsability think, but I am still not sure about the girlfriend. My gut tells me there is none, BUT that he doesn't want to take responsability for what happens between us. That way, if it doesn't work out, he didn't do it ! "She stole the cookies, mum ! I didn't !!!"
Nevertheless I will behave as if I believed it. Unless he proves to me that there has never been a girlfriend, he's out.
Of course, since he used that as an excuse twice, it is a bit difficult to come and say: hey, was a joke. But that's his problem, not mine. Use your imagination, sweetie.
Let's say the girlfriend would explain a few things. But why doesn't anybody else ever mention the girlfriend???? Even by chance. In passing by. By mistake. In 8 months???? But I have heard several people call him a single man( including himself). So there must be a new definition out there for singledom, obviously shared by everybody (even the secretary said to me a few months ago that he was single, but I do believe he told her then that he wasn't single because he wanted her to tell me in order to get rid of me at that point. We just met and he was obviously panicked). I don't know where the secretary has the info from. Maybe from him !
I can't ask her. She hates me. She would like to see me dead.
I never see anything suspicious in his car. Gosh, in 8 months there should be SOMETHING in this car. All I have ever seen are a "Happy Birthday" card from his daughter, cardboard, an old T-shirt, tickets for the local swimming-pool, sweets, medication. OK there is a nice dragon in his office. Obviously a birthday gift. A female gift... From his daughter ? It is proudly displayed, so it is considered important. So far, only his daughter's photos and paintings have found their way into his office. Like a shrine to her.
Is this woman made of air ? Does he see her once a month ? Even my sceptical friends say: something's fishy here.
He didn't seem embarrassed when I talked about the girlfriend. Never a guilty look. Bravo ! If he has a girlfriend, give this man an academy award !
But you are right, I have to be cautious nevertheless. Actually it is a miracle I am still able to trust anybody after what I experienced so far (men and job). I shall triumph ! Right ?

Sweetie, Pimprenelle, you are placing far too much thought and energy into this man...Looking in his car??? What's that about?
Whether he has a girlfriend??? Also, what't that about?
If the man is upfront, stable and interested in you, he will let you know. In the meantime, you need to detach yourself from him and any thoughts of him!!!
IMHO
Seeker

think of all this energy you've spent that could have been spent doing something fun and productive.....xoxoxoxo pat

Why shouldn't I check if he has a girlfriend ? Why speculate when you can get information ? And well, a girlfriend would be a major issue !!! So I'd better check now.
If you can stop thinking of a man and just drop things, well then you are not in love. Reminds me of "Hitch" : " I have waited my whole life to be that miserable ! And if that's what it takes to be happy, so be it". Sounds very wise to me.

I don't have the feeling to be waisting my time. What fun things could I have done???? So being interested in somebody is a waste of time ? How so ? I don't get it. It is the most valuable and fascinating thing there is.

Interesting answers

Fun you know. I have posted this story on another psychological forum (a British one if I am not mistaken) and the answers were mostly very different. To put it in a nutshell : while most members of the other site didn't comment the girlfriend issue as if that wasn't the real problem or as if it didn't sound right (which I still believe), most of you concentrated on that and told me to drop everything because I have spent too much time on this and I completely respect that point of view even if I do not agree.

How come you get so different answers ? I mean they are all very valuable to me and I don't pick what I want to hear. The other guys were very critical as well but they concentrated on the guy's psychology and how to counteract it to stay sane.
Maybe I am obsessive. Is that bad ? or shouldn't I concentrate on finding the right strategies coz we all know that the minute we aren't interested anymore, we seem to do it right. Only problem: we are not interested anymore.
So better solve this now, right ?
Some people seem to think that a liar is a no-no. But if a a cheater is a liar, a liar is not a cheater. He has a hard time trusting people so he doesn't realize that truth is an option. Which means that at least right now, I have to find out things for myself or rely on body language and tone of voice. I can't rely too much on what is said. I think that will change with time.

What's a reasonable amount of time to spend on an undecisive guy ?
Shouldn't that depend on the reasons of the undecisiveness ? On the presence of a progress ever so tiny or not ?
How many of us have thrown away a chance because they couldn't stand the misery and didn't want to wait ?
How many have said : Gee, I have waisted my time with this guy/girl but didn't explain what glorious things they would have done instead (watch TV ? get drunk on a saturday night with friends ? go out with someone you don't really fancy but who can listen soooo well ?) ?

So come on guys ! Let's hear more from all of you ! Thanks a lot to those members who keep giving me advice. It's nice to know you are not alone.

exactly how will you feel if you find out he doesn't have a girlfriend and has just been trying to fend you off? touching your shoulder isn't asking you out. i believe this man is reluctant to go out with you and is coming up with all sorts of excuses to keep from saying it outright. maybe you're aren't his type.

could be wrong, but he doesn't sound like someone that is worth the energy you're spending on him. and as for what you could be doing, you could develop other friends, read, go to a movie, take up a hobby, etc. etc. etc.

How great can this guy be if he keeps giving you the runaround? If I had a guy basically stalking me, like you're doing to this guy (checking out the contents of his car for EIGHT MONTHS?!) I think I'd be a little hesitant to say "Look, leave me alone already." You might go off the deep(er) end and do something completely, undeniably illegal.

Just my

And what's with this "I posted it on a British site" ? Just using us for research?

it is called stalking here in USA. penalties are very stiff. you might consider that.

I agree with w_fighter. and Fayerody.

Move in a different direction with your life. You will be glad that you did. IMHO, of course.

I don't understand these posts. Is this serious ? Stalking?????
OK you are probably joking. I have a look in his car and some of you seem to see ghosts everywhere. Gee, calm down ! Here we don't have this problem. Curiosity is normal. Now if you want to keep guessing, you are free to do so. My time is too precious to waste it.
I could read ? Are you serious ? You really think I stay at home all day ? Why do you assume that ?????
Dear skylrks, you didn't leave any message, so what's the point of your post ?
I have the feeling a lot of people are just very keen on telling others what to do, instead of really helping. You don't even seem to read the posts, so please leave the people alone who want to discuss psychology.
Dear wi_fighter, I understand your point of view from your history, but you don't have the right to call me a stalker and I don't know why you think I have been checking his car for 8 months!

I was going to say that I understand your point of view (I am very busy. I read a lot, go out with friends but that doesn't change a thing). Now I think you are right about the commitment issue. He doesn't know what he wants. I am his type and he seems very interested, so that's not the problem, but that doesn't change anything. Next time he comes back, I will send him to hell.

By the way I am not in th US. We don't have silly stalker laws. You seem to be very keen to put labels on behaviors! Stalker ? Get real. Sorry but your post sounds threatening to me. I don't think it is the right place if there is any.

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I never see anything suspicious in his car. Gosh, in 8 months there should be SOMETHING in this car.

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okay, let's change directions. go up to him and demand to know what he does with all of his free time. tell him that you think he is lying about having a girlfriend and that you are sure that he isn't gay, cause he touches you on the shoulder. then proceed to attack him. kiss him, hug him, whatever. and then see how long it is before the authorities are called.

Or you could always just go to a French support site for input, since we Americans obviously don't understand your complex dating rituals.

Just a thought.

yes, so I had a look once in a while. We use the same parking lot. Why is this so important to you ?
I am sorry to be that positive, but you are behaving like a child. Can't take any criticism, can you ? Well, then don't bother "communicating" with me! It is that simple.

So you say that the authorities would be called for something you suggest I do ? (nobody would call the authorities for that though!) I don't get it. Sorry but you have quite a fantasy! I have no idea where you get this from.
Yes, French web sites may be better suited, but not everybody on this site is seing evil/insanity everywhere. So sorry, but I will listen to their opinion. Why do you bother replying to my post ????? That is the real question you should be asking yourselves.