Feel so degraded

Okay, now, I refuse to believe this is my fault for engaging in conversation with guys through a dating app, but how has it happened that every guy who messages me is SUCH a perv? (DISCLAIMER: I know not all men are pervs, this is about the men who are messaging me.)

This morning I started chatting with a very attractive and, what I thought, was a nice guy. It turns out he works in the adult film industry as an actor. I kept talking to him though because that wasn't a deal breaker for me. I'm not very conservative or religious, and I'm very open-minded about sex.

But I'm very curious about how the whole filming process works for something like that, so I'm asking him questions, and yes, they are about sex but it's his job! So it was not like we were sexting, this was more like logistics of how it all works.

So of course, he sends me a **** pic. Yeah, that just seems to be par for the course now. And I'm not really all that surprised or even offended since he does this for a living, you know? But what bothers me is that a little while later he asks for a pic of me (he's seen my pics on the dating web site), and I ask him of what specifically, to which he clarifies exactly what he wants. You can guess.

I say no. I don't do that. I have no problem with a casual hook up, but I don't send pics over the internet. Nope. Won't do it. So his response is that if I don't send one then to not text him again. So I said goodbye.

I feel degraded and rejected. Why is it so bad to have some self respect and, geez, I can't believe I'm saying this, but a little modesty? I mean, not super modesty, but a little modesty? Just enough to keep your genitalia off someone else's phone? Seriously?

I routinely get degrading messages from men saying what they'd like to do to me (just imagine whatever you want, I've heard it all), and I do absolutely nothing to warrant that kind of greeting. I mean, yes, I want to be desired and wanted, but I also want to be respected and treated like a person and not a play thing. Why do these men not get that? And where are there mothers that taught them it was okay to behave this way?!

On the other hand, the guy I have been seeing, who I met online, texted me back this morning after his trip out of town, and his first response back to me after I asked how his trip was was "it was okay, but never mind that, did you hear from the University yet?!" Which was really sweet.

I'm really torn because it's been a long time since I've had sex and I'm really horny, frankly, but at the same time, I'm not going to do anything I'm not comfortable with. Like seriously, showing a little interest in me and being respectful of who I am turns me on way more than making sexual innuendos and double entendres or sending me a **** pic. Seriously, there is nothing that turns me OFF more than a **** pic. I mean, what happened to foreplay? Is the **** pic the new foreplay? I certainly hope not. I might give up altogether if that's the case.

Lord, give me strength.

Seesaw, it isn't just you, I am one of those people who gets that too.
In the days before internet dating, we mostly met up in pubs or night clubs, and yes somehow I always wound up with the guy who seemed perfectly comfortable to quite graphically express what he wanted to do to me.

Now I was often quite conservatively dressed for a pub or club setting.
I often was on coat or bag duty at the table we (my friends and I) would be sat at.
I was not flirtatious if anything I tend to speak to guys as they speak to each other.
And yet I still manage to attract those with Zero filter with regards to their sexual desires. Wether I was included in these or not.

I still get this now, and I have no idea why.

All I can do is offer my sympathies.

These aren’t kind of men you should worry about or waste your time on. No point asking why they behave this way. It’s becayse that’s who they are

To all honesty when you said that the guy works in porn industry (he likely not, but says to see how you react and in hopes he either gets laid or can make fun of a woman or degrade her), I knew he’ll send his pic and ask for yours and this isn’t going to be respectful conversation. And I was right. Not only he said what he does before Even meeting you (for obvious reason) but he also sent you pic of his privates and you thought that’s ok because it’s his job and you even asked him more questions (not seeing big red banners not just flags)!

Somehow you expected something different? I think you might have to work on recognizing red flags (my therapist was helpful with that).

You are talking to low class men but expect high class behavior from them. It’s not happening.

Makes me think of a tale about scorpion and a frog, “that’s what scorpions do”. Makes me think of how I was in a relationship with alcoholic expecting him not drink. Yeah ok. Was stupid of me

I am glad that other guy sounds polite. Forget about other ones

I disagree. You're being very judgmental and not listening to what I'm saying. Just because he works in the porn industry doesn't mean he's low class. Like I said, I'm very open-minded about sex, and it's not a deal breaker for me. Just because you don't approve of it doesn't mean the people who do it are low-class. And just because someone has different values that you doesn't make them low-class either. And having a certain job doesn't necessarily mean it's a red flag. And what you might not be interested in doesn't mean that I'm not.

I have no problem recognizing red flags, thank you very much. Obviously I don't since the second he put an ultimatum on me I said goodbye and deleted his number. I didn't say I thought it was okay that he sent me a **** pic but that I wasn't surprised by it considering that he's clearly so open sexually. So you aren't really listening to what I'm saying, and I really don't need the judgement.

The point is that these men sending me these nasty messages is degrading. And it's not just him, or did you not read all of my post?

Thanks for contributing to the problem. You're like the person who blames the rape victim for being on the wrong side of town. "What did you expect?" Shameful.

Seesaw

I think what you've described is not only degrading, it's a little frightening. You see, today it's a pic, what will he ask for tomorrow? And if you keep indulging him, are the requests going to continue and evolve into something darker? You are completely and utterly right with your instincts. Good for you. All you are doing is respecting and valuing yourself.

My experience with dating websites was much the same as yours, with men and women, unfortunately.

I learned, after awhile, that some sites are better than others. For example, the ones that cost money usually have people who are more interested in relationships and not flings. I know not everyone can afford that kind of thing, tho, I sure couldn't.

So I looked at the wording I had in my profile. I had to get more stern or strict about certain things. I made it clear that pictures of that sort would result in immediate end of conversation, no explanation. I put in my profile that I was only looking for a relationship that could turn into something serious eventually. I also changed what I was looking for to "long term relationship," not friends or short term or any of the other descriptions.

For me, those changes weeded out some of the pervs, but not all.

Also, I am like you in the sense of being open talking about sex and topics like that. But I had to set boundaries from the beginning, because of my past. I knew if I hadn't said it up front, that I could falter on my boundaries at some point. I had to remind myself that I am worth a partner who will respect me and my boundaries from the beginning. Talking or texting about sex or topics similar is one thing, for me, but the pictures cross the line. Also, if the greeting is a comment simply on my appearance or what they would like to do, they have earned a block before even a response. Simple as that.

As soon as someone sends a picture of their private parts before even meeting you in person, any expectation of classy behaviour should go out the window. His following behaviour was not at all surprising and it seems pretty obvious what he wanted. Some glaring red flags went unnoticed here.

Also, wouldn't you prefer that a guy was straightforward with what he wanted rather than pretending to be interested, sleeping with you, then leaving? At least he was honest about his intentions from the get-go, and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with wanting dirty pictures if both parties are in agreement.

(I've also been thinking on this thread nearly all day, I couldn't figure out how to say exactly what I wanted to say, and I'm not sure I did too well...)

I may be the minority here, but I am one of those guys that won't send nude pics to people. It's idiotic to send nudes through texting or the internet and it's stupid to store them digitally because of how easy it is to hack into people's smartphones or online accounts.

IDK about you, but I have no desire to allow everybody and their cat to see nude picks of myself because some random person gets mad at me over something and hacks into my computer and steals my pictures. No TY.

If anything, you're very logical and rational for being this way.

No glaring red flags went unnoticed. You guys act like I met up with him or had a long conversation with him or something. The second he demanded pics from me the conversation was over. How is that missing red flags?! Are you kidding me? Missing the red flag would have been meeting up with him or continuing to talk with him. You guys certainly like to slut shame.

And no, a guy sending you a nude pic does not mean they are automatically going to demand one from you. I've had perfectly fine conversations with guys who did that, and when I called them on it they apologized and that was that.

You're still missing the bigger point that these men send disgusting messages that are completely unwarranted and it's degrading.

Let's all continue the proverbial slut shaming.

I agree, Darkness. I'm very open sexually and very experimental, but no way in hell am I putting that out in a digital format for someone to store and share in the future.

Seesaw

My profile is specific that I'm looking for a long-term relationship, that I want kids, and that if you all your going to do is send me a **** pic, then swipe left. It specifically says that. And still, men ignore it and send me dirty messages anyway. I have found that the paid sites are just as bad as the free sites. And I'm not going to spend money on the paid sites, especially when the results, IMO, are so poor. There's not much benefit to paying other than the ability to stalk people you message by seeing if they read your message or when they're online.

Seesaw

Yeah, especially since there is an actual market for nude pictures. A few years ago, for example, I stumbled upon a site that would pay people $50-100 in bitcoin to send the site nudes or embarassing photos of their ex girlfriends so the site could make a revenge pr0n of sort. Even without the market for them, pictures like that can be compromising for those of us who actually care about our careers or professional life.

Anyways, I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I hope that you find somebody soon. I wish you the best.

Thanks, Darkness. I'm just so tired of these comments like "you knew he was in porn so what did you expect?" Like anyone deserves to be degraded and treated like an object or that it's okay for him or any other man to do that because of their profession, and it's MY responsibility to take for their actions?! Are you ****ing kidding me? That's like saying it's okay for construction workers to catcall a good looking woman or for you to get groped because you wore a short skirt. It doesn't matter what profession he was in; it doesn't make his behavior or any of those men's behavior okay. And no, I didn't miss red flags because if I was missing flags I would still be talking to the guy, but I ended the conversation immediately. I had complete respect for myself and said no and ended it.

I can't believe that on PC I would have to deal with slut shaming and victim blaming like this. It's supposed to be a supportive place.

When someone posts that they feel degraded by the behavior of men online, the supportive response would be something like, I'm sorry those men are making you feel that way. Not, well it's your own fault for having the conversation...especially when I started the entire thread saying it's not my fault and I won't let you make me feel like it is.

Seesaw

I'm not too familiar with that particular app... with the swipe left or right part, are they just looking at a picture of you or the whole profile? I'm honestly curious.

I had the best results with OKcupid, but it has also been awhile since I gave up on online dating, so the quality of people using any online sites may have gone down since then.

Like you said, not all men are like that, and I am in no way implying it is something you are or aren't doing. I was giving my experience and what I did to help with the problem. Even with those changes, I probably replied to 10% of messages I got, and conversations kept going for maybe 30% of those because they didn't stick to my boundaries.

I found it's just the atmosphere of being online... there are really no consequences of being an ***. Unfortunately for those of us who do have respect for ourselves, these men who send **** pics actually have success with that approach some of the time, so they don't care if they offend 7 out of 10 women. That means that 3 of those 10 it worked with...

That does not in any way excuse the behavior. I was trying to help find a way to make it better, but it seems that the other responses made mine not come off the way I intended it.

You're response was fine. I just had already done all the things you suggested. I don't know if they are reading my profile or not. I'm on OKC and on Tinder. I know some people will say Tinder is a hook up app, but the guy I'm seeing now I met through Tinder and he's been very respectful and sweet.

Yeah, your analysis of the statistics seem right on. I still think it's terrible and inexcusable that their behavior is seen as fine by society...and we wonder why women are still paid 79 cents on the dollar to men, have to fight for birth control and other health insurance benefits...it starts with letting men talk to us this way and send us **** pics.

As a male myself....well sometimes i just wish I wasn't. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of the behaviour of so many men. I can't apologise for them and there is no justification, all I can say is I am on your side and do what I can to challenge this sort of misogyny myself.

This thread is being closed per the OP's request.