I had to ask

I had a friend, I'm guessing past tense because I said something that offended them. I knew what I said could offend them and in reality that it should offend them. If they were nonchalant about their answers or responses then it meant there was a bigger problem. I wasn't trying to test them, I just wanted to know where I stood, where our friendship stood. I tend to open up to very few people, and when I do, it's a binary switch, off or on, no in-between. My problem here, beyond an obvious complete lack of tact and social graces is that is when I do let anyone in at all, I start getting very afraid. I get scared that anything I say will become a weapon against me. I'm also afraid I might begin to truly care for them, and then they'll leave. I'm also very afraid my self could get in the way of their life. I still look at people and wonder what made them stay together, what worked, and what doesn't. I'm terrible at all communication, but I rarely intend harm.
What can I do when I don't know how to talk to people, then they start listening anyway, and I begin to question myself and then them, and then everything winds up broken anyway?
I feel like such a social poison most times.
I'm taking my meds and going to bed. 8:30 PM on Saturday is not too early.

I’m sorry you’re having these difficulties. That does hurt and I empathize. Have you considered seeing a therapist? You don’t want to lug this baggage around the rest of your life. Best wishes.

I do have a therapist and did make an appointment that I will keep this time

Someone I respect much says all the time...You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

So..you KNOW that you have some social awkwardness...and the consequences of your actions are causing you distress.

I was similar to you while I was working and I used to blurt things out that became detrimental to my career....So my therapist suggested I carry a pad around and when the first thought comes to mind of what I am going to say...to write the word "pause"...and to stop and think about how what I was going to say might come across to another person.

You also sound like me like a "fixer" like it is our responsibility to point out others flaws or insert our opinions into other peoples situations.

It is not our jobs as friends to interfere in others relationships unless we see there is a dangerous situation at hand.

At times where I feel I Have to express my feelings on someone elses situation...I stop and ask myself...where is this conversation going to go....and if my input is going to help or hurt my friendship and if it is worth it for me to give my 2 cents.

I also role play with my therapist...I will tell her what is bothering me about a friend or family member and how I want to address it, like what I want to say.

And more often than not...my therapist will give me some feedback about how SHE would address the situation and usually she will just give me a BETTER way to express the way that I am feeling so that it doesn't impact my relationships as much as it would have if I just blurted out WHAT I WANT to SAY.

A lot of times I am a dangerous situation in friendships.
One problem, of my many, is that I get overly attached, probably far too easily. I trust and think I'll be ok, because I can open myself up in one way, so I think I can do the same in all ways. This never ends well.
I also worry that my presence will cause rifts in others' lives. A lot of this one is from having been told how much I ruined my ex's and my childrens' lives, by my ex very frequently and when my kids parroted what she said in anger.
I'm beginning to think I should just keep my head down, my mouth shut, and go rot in peace somewhere.

If your friend knows about your issues, they'll probably understand, and not be angry.

At the same time, if you've made it too hard, they might prefer to find a friend who doesn't have a low opinion of them.

You seem to be very focused on your own needs, but not putting yourself in their shoes. Honesty is essential in friendships. But if your friend is a decent and sensitive person, you shouldn't be hurting their feelings.

I never had a low opinion of this friend at all. I realized I'd become attached in ways I shouldn't that soon into the friendship. I didn't trust myself or in myself, to be a good person, to have control, or to be a good friend. I've only had one great friendship ever and I don't know if that could even happen again. I thought I might be developing an intimate friendship (intimacy does not mean sex here) and wanted to make sure they were aware, and that I wasn't detracting from their relationships they already have. I wanted to make sure I wasn't disrupting their life

I'm not a Dr. but these symptoms you have sound like Borderline Personality Disorder...have you spoken to a Dr?

Medication doesn't FIX us...but it helps our brains to slow down a bit and sometimes to react differently or feel differently in situations.

You also have to stop telling yourself that you are this awful person...and start telling yourself that you are a well intended friend that needs to work on some communication skills.

I've got a few diagnosis:
Bipolar type 1
ADHD
PTSD
Probable high functioning autism. They said it's hard to tell with having the other three.

I see my prescriber regularly, and have an appointment sometime within the month. I've never been diagnosed borderline, probably because I've never tried self harm, though there have been MANY suicide attempts.

Borderline and Bipolar get confused during diagnosis and some people have both.

I was also told by a Dr. that "labels" are really only there to help with billiing for insurance companies..and that many people have various traits that could fall under many different mental illness categories.

You sound like me...when you say you are very dangerous when it comes to friendships...there seems to be an underlying immaturity issue that you have...as I do.

I was told I act and react to situations as if I'm 16....and I DO agree with that....Its very hard to change these things..but not impossible...again acknowledging our character defects and WORKING on them vs. making excuses for them.

Its like we need to be scolded like children to realize it is NOT OK to act the way we act sometimes and we must change it if we want to be happy.

Am I making excuses or? Please be honest. I'm not afraid of this question. I need the truth. I only know how things feel to me. Here, I know I feel terrible about it.
This time of year is bad for me usually. It starts in November and usually gets very rough until late Feb. I have trouble thinking clearly the whole time. I hospitalized myself over Xmas last year. And this Feb 14 will be the one year divorce anniversary. I swear I had nothing to do with the court date.
I'm about to buy a sunlight bulb

no I personally don't think you are making excuses because I have the same blurt out problems and the "I can fix your life and not mine" problems...

But, being aware of what you are doing and making improvements will make our lives and our relationships better.

I'm sorry about the loss of your marriage....life really is hard sometimes and stuff happening around the holidays CAN make the holidays less enjoyable....

Head down.
Mouth shut.
Rot in peace.

Maybe fun, bonding activities with other guys would be a breath of fresh air for you? An all male divorce support group at least?

Head down
Mouth shut
Rot in peace

I practice this until i can trust myself to stay out of trouble. I just need to slow things down.

HEAD UP
Mouth more reserved
Find JOY

Just because you have opinions and you are struggling with your style of communication does not mean you suck!

I apologized to the person I offended. They accepted it, I think. I don't know if they'll want to talk to me again, but I'll leave that up to them to initiate.
I'm exhausted at this point in all respects. I worked out 3.5 hours today and totalled 8.75 miles on the elliptical alone.
I also spent money I shouldn't have, but I'll finally get to see Portugal. The Man live, in February. They're my favorite for about 4 years now. I know the song isn't the most healthy of outlooks, but playing "sleep forever" about 20 times in a row seemed to help somehow. Probably the final lyric of it.
Yoga changed me today. I went in completely closed off but left class open. There were 2 other instructors that took this class based on my recommendation of the instructor. That made me feel like people listen to me.

Wow...do you think your friend is surprised you apologized? Did it feel weird to apologize?

I remember the FIRST time I apologized to anyone it was my mother..it felt so strange..but a GOOD strange.. I am able to apologize more frequently now.

But as my Mom says...I can apologize and that is fine IF I don't keep doing the same thing over and over..then the apologies are just words.

Very good you apologized to your friend...even if she doesn't accept it....you did what was BEST for you.

So glad you enjoyed yoga too and that people took your advice that feels good too.

I think it is the personal advice that people struggle with us giving thou....lets face it...we have some problems or we wouldn't be on this board...so in your personal relationships...unless something is really driving you batty...try to remain neutral.....and if something is driving you batty and you have to speak up..put thought into your words vs. the blurt out syndrome.

Happy to hear your in better spirits.

I'm quite accustomed to making apologies.
This one was very short and genuine and that's all I needed to say

I feel like your tying yourself in knots to avoid something bigger.
I know about anniversaries, I also know how someone who has lost their family feels at this time of year.

I think perhaps this is a bigger consideration. That perhaps exposing oneself to risks, or offending others is an effective way of distracting from deeper more complex hurts that are going on.

Then again I could be a million miles from the mark and just making sht up.

You may well be right. I'm so confounded by everything all the time. People always just did that to me anyway. I never understood interactions properly, no matter what I read or asked about. Some of my behaviours are all new and some are old habits improperly trying to apply themselves to current situations. I honestly think I'll make it through this year ok, with no serious thoughts of permanent consequences. I'll push ahead anyway.