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#1
May 08, 2018, 12:14 AM
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This is so weird and I don't want it to happen again. My ex came over so I could give her the files we had once shared. I felt like being talkative, so we talked. A very long time. I was very uncomfortable the whole time. Hugely uncomfortable, but I kind of let it go or maybe hid it but I let her stay so we could talk anyway. I also rarely talk to anyone more than a few minutes. At one point I did explain some things that led up to the divorce and she had totally missed them being problems. No surprises. I feel cheap and like it was the worst thing I could do to have her in my personal home, even though we didn't do anything but talk. I did make her a grilled cheese because I was also starving. It's almost like I want to be friends with her, but I so much don't want that. I was nervous, so much that when she went to get her drink from the car, I vomited a little bit. We didn't eat for over an hour after that. There was nothing in the puke, because I hadn't eaten in several hours. I didn't tell her about puking. Somehow she's a better person now, which is great for her and my kids, but I'm wondering how much better and if she really is at all. There's been changes, and most of them are good. I'm really not coping with having let her just hang out. I don't know what I'm dealing with and am hoping someone out there has some wisdom for this. It all feels wrong, but lately several things are starting to feel wrong and they aren't truly wrong things, but feel that way.
We did hug on her way out but that's not happening again. It made me feel sick again and I want to vomit but also don't want to. If anyone knows anything, lil help? |
 Anonymous50909, MickeyCheeky, mote.of.soul, Wild Coyote, ~Christina
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#2
May 08, 2018, 04:41 AM
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It's a tough adjustment, I can relate. You share something in common, your kids.
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#3
May 08, 2018, 08:59 AM
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Why am I so angry about her making positive choices, things that while we were together "never gonna change?" I'm so p---ed off that now she's quit smoking, taking care of her health, giving a ----! I didn't start good self-care until I knew it was over by working on me either, but how can I be so mad at her about it that I feel like vomiting or actually do? I slept last night with some flashbacks when awake and exceedingly fearful dreams. I feel like I've had a panic attack all night long and even have that panic smell, kind of like hot steel meeting cold rubber briefly, sulphurous and sweaty. It looks like she's just become an act, and not an intention, but the intention looks to be there too. Please don't judge this next sentence but help me figure it out. As much as my kids and grandkids deserve better, I don't trust that she is better at all.
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#4
May 08, 2018, 12:44 PM
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You are investing too much time into thinking about her. Divorce after all those years is a big adjustment for both of you. You are both going to change. From the sounds of it you are both doing better apart. That's what is in the best interest of everyone involved.
I've never been divorced but I imagine that like any grieving process it is a lot of ups and downs. Work towards acceptance as much as you can. She is going to do what she is going to do. It's not in your control and you don't get a say any more. If contact is destructive to you, sever it, even if just temporarily. Practice self care and recognize what you need to help you through this process. |
 SorryShaped
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#5
May 08, 2018, 01:13 PM
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My first marriage...... Divorce he was cheating I remember having such hate towards him (Rightfully so) in the first few months apart and the divorce papers where in the works I was sick constantly if I would see him to discuss our daughter or who wanted what etc ...
I changed alot, See I wanted a divorce when our daughter was about 1 years old .. I just wasnt happy all around.. But he begged and I kinda thought " well we wont fight over the Dog ( seriously) .... Daughter was 5 and he left me for a woman he hired at his job. It was about 8-9 months later until I could have a conversation with him and not get all upset and cry or go into a hell of a rage... Things will improve.. Yes she changed and so are you.. It happens, its a part of life.. Try and limit your amount of time dealing with her right now, I would certainly not welcome her into your home, If you need to physically to speak or give each other stuff I recommend you meet away from your home.. neutral ground.. Steve and I would meet a coffee shop or whatever, Not my home.. My daughter is now 26 and I no longer have ill feelings toward him, Time does change feelings , Looking back .....him cheating was a wonderful thing, We just didnt "work" anymore.. We still have to talk about things reguarding our daughter but of course not nearly as much as when she was growing up... You will get through this, Try and focus on the kids .. Nothing worse for kids than having fighting parents no matter the age.... 
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#6
May 08, 2018, 01:22 PM
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Right.
Kids are all adults, though only in the chronological sense. She's emotionally damaged everyone somehow. I have been on a crash most of today, after yoga this morning. I want to go out, likely to the gym for a class, but probably should just sleep. There's just that amount of pushing myself that much harder that feels like I'm conquering the Crap that much more. I need a damn hug so bad but I know I'm not getting one. I want a bicycle for riding around town, maybe I should go get one? I want to run too. But my body can't right now. I'm in so much exertion pain from Sunday and yesterday. |
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#7
May 08, 2018, 05:45 PM
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My husbands ex after 18 years of marriage decided she was gay, obviously why they divorced.
She has traumatized there boys , all 3 needed counseling. They are now adults and have moved on thankfully but scars remain. I know the gym is your go to thing to help keep going but maybe you really need a break ? Your pushing yourself maybe past the breaking point physically ? If physically your wiped out emotionally and mentally your going to be just as bad. How is Therapy helping you ? Maybe if your not moving forward a change in Therapy is needed? Sending you many hugs I hope you can catch your breath and decompress.
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#8
May 08, 2018, 08:47 PM
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I kinda have fears of what things will be like when I have to go back to Calif to settle our marriage assets through Calif courts because he refused to respond to my KY lawyer. Things will get nasty though because he let the house go into forclosure & refused to follow through with the loan modification, refused to talk to the RE agent I contacted there & has refused to even talk with the cash buyer. Foreclosure sale will be in July. Calif lawyer is going to go after him in an emergency court hearing & get him evicted so the house can be sold.
It has taken me 11 years to stop seeing red every time I have to deal with him so I keep hoping when I have to go out there soon that I can keep it together & be as civil as I have come to be over the last 11 years. Who knows how they will trigger when it comes rught down to it. Sorry you are struggling. Thought of you every day I took BG parkway to the horse park the last 2 weeks of April. I'm on the crew that does the floral work for the eventing show at the horse park. Rain & freezing weather, early mornings & late nights..takes me time to recooperate & didn't have time with all the legal stuff last week....know that emotional & physical exhaustion too
__________________
 Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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#9
May 08, 2018, 10:51 PM
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Gay would have been an easy out I wish she'd taken, but it wasn't the case. She chose abuse and neglect. I was ready to die to be free of her. I feel like I imagine a beat horse feels on the same farm when I'm around her.
I didn't go to the gym. I did go for a stroll, easy and slow and only a few blocks. I wound up at a friend's house I haven't seen in a long time. I got to catch up and even fixed her computer while I was there. I'm the guy that always fixes computers and some of just about anything. All our kids had and probably all still need counseling as adults. My therapist is perfect for me. The stuff we disagree on proves he's on the side of what is right, not who. I see him tomorrow. I'm always nervous to see him because he almost always has me face something I don't want to but absolutely need to. I always leave feeling like something's not resolved, but pointed in the right direction. I did get a few hugs from my friend and loved on her doggy a while too. My mind is still at 110% on at almost midnight but my appointment isn't until after afternoon. It's not like I have a job to go to. I've been watching "chappie" for the first time and realized that sometimes there's no good solution to bad people ruining the innocent. Quote:
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| ~Christina
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#10
May 08, 2018, 10:56 PM
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You've got a full enough plate already to be spending any time on me, but I appreciate it. I'm not in that county any more. I'm back in the capital in my own place. I really wish you'd just hang out sometime here in neutral territory, but I get not wanting to. I'm a mess.
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#11
May 09, 2018, 01:36 AM
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Quote:
Spent 3 hours on the road monday night picking up a friend at L-ville airport who lives in Perryville....long drive round trip. Can't believe how I avoid cities after growing up & living 54 years in Los Angeles. My peaceful little farm is definitely my retreat. Hiking in my woods & climbing around the slopes is my escape but love the trails at Shaker Village or Eagles Nest on horse or on foot surrounded by nature (& BUGS). Wish I could say I didn't understand your feeling of being ready to die before getting out of your marriage but I felt that was the last 13 years I was living with my H until I escaped to here & actually tried way too many times as a way out before I found a real one. The thought of having to interface with him again in the near future & wanting to make sure I act civil is very stressful. This time glad I have a good lawyer on my side & actually have people on my side now who defended his behaviors before now but it will be a challenge wrapping up all those lose ends I walked away from 11 years ago.....celebraring my 11 years here may 15. I think that sick to the stomach feel & even getting sick is probably a more normal feel than you imagine.
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Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
| SorryShaped
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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