[TishaBuv]

Nearly every single holiday has been an unhappy, stressful, tearful struggle for me since I got married and had my own family. The culprits have been my mother, husband, or his parents.

Last week, I told my family that because of the extreme depression I am in, I would like to just not plan anything for Thanksgiving. It was not that I am saying I don't want to have any Thanksgiving dinner, it is just that it always becomes such a stressful situation, that I thought by just letting it happen, it would be the only way I could deal with it, giving myself no pressure.

Nope, my controlling mother just couldn't leave it alone. She called me this morning to tell me she was driving to check out a special gluten free bakery to see what she could order for Thanksgiving. (Because now my son's IBS has gotten so severe)

I felt my anxiety swelling during the call, but calmly said 'sure, mom, knock yourself out'. But the anger kept swelling within me. How controlling she has to be, how disrespectful of me and my wishes, how she has such a lack of sympathy for me and how I am feeling. How she got in little digs like I was not going to do anything for my family, so she has to. Which is totally not true. How she has to make everything about her.

She used to make all the family dinners. When I got married, I had a house and she just had a small apartment, so I started making the dinners. She has to control everything, can't let me do anything my way.

I called my sister twice to talk me out of calling mom to tell her off, but I just couldn't stop myself.

So I told her I am not having Thanksgiving. She spewed nasty name-calling insults at me and said I am killing her. Called me a f****'n little b**ch. I said 'I asked you, I begged you to leave it alone'. Can you feel the love???

[marmaduke]

She sounds nasty. A Narcissistic mother, its all about her.
My advice would be to get away as far as you can, go low contact.

oh gosh.

[divine1966]

I am sorry. I personally hate holidays. How about you you husband and kid go out to dinner? Plenty of turkey dinners out there and your mom could do whatever the heck she wants

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[CosmicRose]

You don't have to do anything this year if you don't want to, but that doesn't mean other people cant. Have your husband, children and mother buy whatever they want. Your husband can buy the food, the children can help prepare it, you can take thanksgiving off this year. Have them set the table, whatever else. You light the candles. Wa-la, Thanksgiving. That's less pressure. But saying other people cant do anything doesn't seem right, they can buy whatever they want, doesn't really have anything to do with you.

[ChipperMonkey]

Tell her she's not invited to your house for thanksgiving because you want a small holiday with just your husband and son.

The only way to handle controlling people is with rock solid boundaries.

She'll throw a fit. Let her. Don't budge.

I often try to go away with my kids for thanksgiving. Either vacation or out to dinner or to the next town over, etc.

My FOO drive me nuts.

[TishaBuv]

I told her I am not having Thanksgiving, which means I am not cooking for her. She won't call me. I am 'written off'. She has done that many times before. If I didn't call and apologize, she would really never speak to me again. Each time, I have called or asked my husband to call for me to make peace. This time, I won't.
Of course, i will cook for my family. My sons are coming home from college. Food is an issue this year because of IBS. So we will eat together and have some quality time. They will not mind that Grandma is not there. My little one says 'Grandma ruins everything'.
And if she called my kids and invited them to her house, and they wanted to go, I certainly would not stop them.
This is my life, dealing with a couple of really difficult people, beating myself up all the time thinking I am to blame, the problem is me. Why couldn't I just let her walk all over me and not care? It kills me that I only asked for one small show of respect and couldn't even get that. Boy does she know how to press my buttons.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Nearly every single holiday has been an unhappy, stressful, tearful struggle for me since I got married and had my own family. The culprits have been my mother, husband, or his parents.

Last week, I told my family that because of the extreme depression I am in, I would like to just not plan anything for Thanksgiving. It was not that I am saying I don't want to have any Thanksgiving dinner, it is just that it always becomes such a stressful situation, that I thought by just letting it happen, it would be the only way I could deal with it, giving myself no pressure.

Nope, my controlling mother just couldn't leave it alone. She called me this morning to tell me she was driving to check out a special gluten free bakery to see what she could order for Thanksgiving. (Because now my son's IBS has gotten so severe)

I felt my anxiety swelling during the call, but calmly said 'sure, mom, knock yourself out'. But the anger kept swelling within me. How controlling she has to be, how disrespectful of me and my wishes, how she has such a lack of sympathy for me and how I am feeling. How she got in little digs like I was not going to do anything for my family, so she has to. Which is totally not true. How she has to make everything about her.

She used to make all the family dinners. When I got married, I had a house and she just had a small apartment, so I started making the dinners. She has to control everything, can't let me do anything my way.

I called my sister twice to talk me out of calling mom to tell her off, but I just couldn't stop myself.

So I told her I am not having Thanksgiving. She spewed nasty name-calling insults at me and said I am killing her. Called me a f****'n little b**ch. I said 'I asked you, I begged you to leave it alone'. Can you feel the love???

Lord, it does sound like our mothers are cut from the same cloth! It's so hard to understand how there can be no room for others' needs or feelings in their worlds! Sometimes I think it's the reaction they are looking for, that weakness, like you calling her to tell her off was ultimately what she was looking for.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I told her I am not having Thanksgiving, which means I am not cooking for her. She won't call me. I am 'written off'. She has done that many times before. If I didn't call and apologize, she would really never speak to me again. Each time, I have called or asked my husband to call for me to make peace. This time, I won't.
Of course, i will cook for my family. My sons are coming home from college. Food is an issue this year because of IBS. So we will eat together and have some quality time. They will not mind that Grandma is not there. My little one says 'Grandma ruins everything'.
And if she called my kids and invited them to her house, and they wanted to go, I certainly would not stop them.
This is my life, dealing with a couple of really difficult people, beating myself up all the time thinking I am to blame, the problem is me. Why couldn't I just let her walk all over me and not care? It kills me that I only asked for one small show of respect and couldn't even get that. Boy does she know how to press my buttons.

I had a very insightful therapist years ago who said "Of course your mother can always press your buttons - she's the one that installed them!" Everything you've said seems very reasonable. There's no reason you cant have a quiet Thanksgiving with your kids.

[TishaBuv]

Interesting you picked up on that. She called my sisters telling them she'll never speak to me again and that I told her to die. I did not say that, but... when she said I'm killing her, I said 'nothing will kill you'. What I meant is that she thrives on confrontation. My sisters agree. I didn't mean that I want her to die. Now she's put me on the defensive, making me want to call her and clarify that I didn't wish her death. My mom is 80. Shame on me for fighting with an old lady. And this is how it goes, over and over again.

[TishaBuv]

I am not going to call her. I have been a great daughter. She is only twisting my words to manipulate me and she knows it.

I was taught by this mother that love is really hate. How can someone really love you when they hurt you?

This is why I drew a husband to me who is my tormenter.

If I wasn't so beaten down from him, I probably could deal with her much better. Dr. Phil said "You teach people how to treat you".

I don't have these conflicts with any one else.

It's helping me to journal this. I'll be able to read this later and see it clearly. Thank you for giving me the forum PC

[marmaduke]

Tisha,
This is why I drew a husband to me who is my tormenter.
Me too. I always seemed to get abusers, must have had 'victim' printed on my head.
No more though.

How I used to hate those 'family gatherings' I felt lonely, forgotten, ridiculed and patronized at those gatherings. I think I was only asked so they had someone to ignore and dump on. I remember feeling awkward, hearing the occasional snigger or snide remark.
Oh, and we always had a photo shoot, ya know the 'perfect family' pictures. Smile, smile, smile everyone!

And then I was meant to be sooo grateful that they been so kind and generious to ask me. Ugh. I never wanted to go, but did anyway. Look back and wish I'd broken away from them years earlier.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Interesting you picked up on that. She called my sisters telling them she'll never speak to me again and that I told her to die. I did not say that, but... when she said I'm killing her, I said 'nothing will kill you'. What I meant is that she thrives on confrontation. My sisters agree. I didn't mean that I want her to die. Now she's put me on the defensive, making me want to call her and clarify that I didn't wish her death. My mom is 80. Shame on me for fighting with an old lady. And this is how it goes, over and over again.

My mom loooooves to be able to paint herself the victim of my father, me, and my sister. She frequently lumps my sister and I together too as though we were the same person which infuriates me because we are very, very different. Sometimes I wish my mom would stick with not talking to me, but eventually she will act as though nothing ever happened and invite me to come to dinner or go shopping. I spent at least 30 years stuck in the cycle of abuse, and it is definitely a classic abuse cycle. There's calm, tension starts to build, finally she lashes out, she stops talking to me, and then she reaches out as though nothing happened, repeat cycle.

What I try to remember in stituations like where you want to call her and clarify you didn't want her to die, is that you can't explain something to a person who refuses to hear it. Explaining things to my mother never makes it better, she purposely "misunderstands." Like so many of the manipulative games people try to engage us in, the only way to win is not to play. It's just a lot more difficult to disengage from a parent!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Called me a f****'n little b**ch.

Right there, tells me you're doing the right thing. I feel for you.

[TishaBuv]

Yes, the photos look like the perfect family and she always acts like nothing ever happened!
I'm sorry anyone goes through abuse, but it feels a little better to know I am not alone. Still not calling, grieving, feeling so much loss.

[TishaBuv]

Last year she caused a scene that was over the top in a public place. It was her worst ever. She was with me, my sister, and my niece. She stood in the middle of the aisle and refused to leave the plane. I was worried the passengers behind her were going to push her aside to make their connecting flights and hurt her. It was over the dumbest thing. Just something she was trying to control just to have her way. She screamed at us and cussed us out all the way through the airport, dragging her own suitcase, no matter how much pain that caused her, refusing to let me help. My sister was running on ahead and was going to leave her in the airport. I endured the insults and the scene, not abandoning her, asking her to let me take the suitcase every now and then (which her sweet reply was f**k you). The entire trip, which was a big expense for us all, a joyous family wedding, was a disaster. The war continued between mom and my sister and I the whole trip. We avoided her and she acted like the life of the party and nothing was wrong in front of all the other family.

I had vowed then never to speak to her again, but alas, my sister let it go and so I did as well several days after we got home.

That incident got brought up the other day and she denied it ever happened. She said 'I don't ever want to talk about that again. That's wasn't me. Everybody else was crazy.'

At least my sisters and I had each other and knew that mom wasn't right in the head. We've been able to laugh about it together. They got out of the house early and ran as far as they could. I stayed too close for too long. I get the worst of it.
So, another joyous holiday ruined. She honestly may not ever call me again. I think I should really never call her again either. Yet, I feel like this just may be one more abusive episode. There have been so many.

Thank you for your comments and support friends

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Last year she caused a scene that was over the top in a public place. It was her worst ever. She was with me, my sister, and my niece. She stood in the middle of the aisle and refused to leave the plane. I was worried the passengers behind her were going to push her aside to make their connecting flights and hurt her. It was over the dumbest thing. Just something she was trying to control just to have her way. She screamed at us and cussed us out all the way through the airport, dragging her own suitcase, no matter how much pain that caused her, refusing to let me help. My sister was running on ahead and was going to leave her in the airport. I endured the insults and the scene, not abandoning her, asking her to let me take the suitcase every now and then (which her sweet reply was f**k you). The entire trip, which was a big expense for us all, a joyous family wedding, was a disaster. The war continued between mom and my sister and I the whole trip. We avoided her and she acted like the life of the party and nothing was wrong in front of all the other family.

I had vowed then never to speak to her again, but alas, my sister let it go and so I did as well several days after we got home.

That incident got brought up the other day and she denied it ever happened. She said 'I don't ever want to talk about that again. That's wasn't me. Everybody else was crazy.'

At least my sisters and I had each other and knew that mom wasn't right in the head. We've been able to laugh about it together. They got out of the house early and ran as far as they could. I stayed too close for too long. I get the worst of it.
So, another joyous holiday ruined. She honestly may not ever call me again. I think I should really never call her again either. Yet, I feel like this just may be one more abusive episode. There have been so many.

Thank you for your comments and support friends

Damn. That airport thing is WAY over the top. My mom for a while would say "You live in your reality, I live in my reality" because she had read some article that said perception is reality or some such. That was her way of saying something never happened but she tries for more subtle things like "oh I never said that" she's never tried to deny an altercation happened, just pretends it didn't when she wants to move on. Y'all should've left her at the airport, it would've served her right. I probably wouldn't have but over just the last year or so I've realized that I was enabling my mother's bad behavior. If there were consequences to their actions, they'd stop but they have us programmed to take it.

[starfruit504]

"Of course your mother can always press your buttons - she's the one that installed them!"

Love that! I'm sorry that she talks to you that way. I've heard similar things from my father, and similar threats. When it comes down to it, I don't think anyone has ever called me worse names than my own dad. What a gem.

I hate when holidays become these big symbols. Everything has to be done a certain way, otherwise it means you don't love your family. 10 people are doing 10 different things, so many moving parts, so many heads butting, just tailor made for stressing everyone out. Who wants that? Isn't it supposed to be a holiday? Time to set aside differences? Well that's what I do at my house and that's why most of the family isn't invited!

[TishaBuv]

How about inflatable Family and Friend Holiday Dolls? They can sit at your table. There's Jovial Grandpa, Doting Granny, Rich Uncle, Gourmet Aunt, Sweet Sister, Bountiful Brother, In-Line In-Laws, Loving Husband, Ideal Wife, and Cherished Children!

[IceCreamKid]

I'm sorry you were treated that way. You didn't deserve it. Maybe you could sit down with your husband and discuss how the two of you want to approach holidays as a family. Holidays were so miserable for me as a kid that I can't bring myself to celebrate and I don't wish that on anyone. But your celebration should be pleasant and enjoyable and maybe together you and your husband can come up with ways you want to accomplish that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

How about inflatable Family and Friend Holiday Dolls? They can sit at your table. There's Jovial Grandpa, Doting Granny, Rich Uncle, Gourmet Aunt, Sweet Sister, Bountiful Brother, In-Line In-Laws, Loving Husband, Ideal Wife, and Cherished Children!

Hilarious

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[TishaBuv]

Don't forget Hunky Boyfriend and The BFF! Can't you just see the commercial? For 3 low payments of $19.99 you can have the holiday experience you've always wanted. Collect them all! Because real people just won't behave...

I just have to laugh. This was just another incident. I know I play my part. I heard that during these past few days she picked fights with other family members, too. It's like she wants to work herself up into really having a heart attack. I'll call just to make peace, but still keep her away. I worry that as I get older, I'll become just like her! She's gotten much worse with age. Generations of Personality Disorders? Not physical, but so much emotional abuse!

[littleowl2006]

Yep, that's me as well there. My therapist reminded me of the differences between my also quite complicated mother and me. Man was I relieved. Not wanting to be like her is the first step in the right direction I'd say!

[Rose76]

What will be going on with your husband's parents? Are they staying away thus year?

Your mother sounds like a real pain. It's hard on a big holiday to tell someone they are not welcome to your home, but it does sound like you would rather not have your mother over. That is an option for you. There is no law that says you have to entertain extended family on Thanksgiving, or any other day.

Unfortunately, your mom is unlikely to change. You have the right to say, "I'm not up to having company and entertaining. It will just be a quiet holiday for my husband and children and myself. I am inviting no one over." That us hard to do, if you've always done differently.