Once upon a time .. In reality

Once upon a time, not too long ago -
I said I was done talking about my crap
But you know what? I am fed up.
How is it no matter where I go I get yelled at for - having an opinion, asking a question, looking the wrong way, breathing too noisily, not finding or doing something fast enough, not giving advice someone wants to hear, believing in something other than someone else does ... And it is not just one person or one place or just online - its literally everywhere.

Am I really rude?
Insolent?
Too slow?
Evil?
Self-centered?

What is it????? Tell me. Because it has to be me. So many people. So many places. Can't all be coincidence. What is it?????

Once upon a time - there was a woman who learned how to fade away. She did it so well, one day - she forgot to come back ... and the world lived happily ever after...

It's not you. Unfortunately, there are many rude people, more than you can imagine.. Don't fall into their trap, you're perfectly fine the way you are - although I understand why you'd feel hurt.

It has to be though. Why else would so many be so hateful?

No, and being well-adjusted within a sick society is no goal of mine either. However, I have had to learn most people do not want to hear my opinion, advice or belief about something and that I need to maintain enough distance so they cannot hear me breathe.

People can dislike others for the pettiest reasons - and sometimes for downright false claims. Don't let these people make you doubt of your inner beauty..

IMO the real world pretty much sucks. And sometimes those who are adapted well to it suck, too -- no fault of their own, exactly. That's what they have done to adapt and survive and be happy, on their terms. And, like I said on your other thread, they like and prefer that people be like them. And get upset sometimes when other people aren't like them.

Is there anywhere you can go in where there are more people like you? Or people who are different in their own way but accepting of others?

PC has helped me but it's not the real world. But once I finally realized that it was about them, I've been able to do some better. Problem is, then, I'm all alone and I don't like that. But, again, PC has helped.

Problem is - its ppl who supposedly like or love me as much as it is those who don't know me.

I am sorry you experience this as well - but do you experience both online as well as offline?

I realize the real world sucks. That's why I do not go out in it and stay inside as much as possible. In my home it is only me, my husband, and my 2 dogs. The neighbors like to come over begging for rides from my husband though.

People like me. Lol. I don't even fit in with most people with my main diagnosis. I do better staying inside socializing like this or just occasionally when I need to with others or with my husband. The problem is - even that seems to be "wrong" lately. People online get mad at me when I speak about my beliefs (after they ask for them), have an opinion other than theirs or give them my advice or simply ask a question. My husband gets mad when I look at him the wrong way, breathe too loudly, ask a question, or don't find/do something fast enough.
Neighbors give attitude if I look at them wrong, ask a question, have an opinion other than theirs or don't get/do something fast enough.

I am frustrated. There is nowhere I can turn.

Hey Crypts... I'm going to try again to offer some help because I feel bad for what you're going through...

You know, to me it feels like you are trying to live up to what, in your mind, is impossible standards from other people. You seem to think they are angry at you for every little thing you do, nothing is good enough for them. They say they want one thing then you give it to them and they don't seem to want it. You're feeling helpless, what can I do? Why does it never seem to be good enough for others? What cruel trick is the universe playing on me? Why won't some UNDERSTAND ME?

The problem is, you are projecting your own high standards for yourself onto other people's criticisms. Literally nobody holds you to as high of a standard as you hold yourself to. You are reading too much into others' complaints because you are not accurately gauging either the severity or the legitimacy of those complaints. You are just honing in on the fact that other people seem to be angry at you and somehow trying to figure out what you would need to do to make them stop treating you that way. I'm guessing your husband is a very critical and probably a very fundamentally angry person because you seem to be biased towards thinking that everyone is angry at you. We expect from the world what we are used to at home. The thing is, your husband isn't angry at YOU, he's just angry in general and he's taking his anger out on you. There's nothing you could do to satisfy his complaints because his complaints aren't ABOUT you. They're most likely about his fundamental, nonspecific anger at women and by trying to "fix" or "placate" his anger, tirelessly trying to be what he claims to want you to be, you end up personalizing something which is not personal and feeling like it's somehow actually something you did that made him angry or there's theoretically something you could do to make him stop being angry. His game is rigged, so if you keep trying to win, you are just messing with your own emotions. This is what would make you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for others. If you ever want to be happy you would ideally need to stop trying to go out of your way to try and satisfy other people. You are already good enough just by existing. You don't need to prove to anyone that you are good enough.

Ok - let me give you a run down of a few things yesterday.

Get up - look on phone, find a text. Read the text n friend is bawling me out for "ignoring him" - when the truth is these past couple weeks I get 5 min at a time here and there and all the rest is spent doing things with my husband. Neither of us have our phones on during those times so we can simply enjoy being with each other. So I explain that n my friend gets upset bc I have someone to spend Christmas with n they don't. Finally get that situation settled - I go on FB, everytime I posted anything or responded to something someone took offense in some way ... I know ppl get offended easily on there but it isn't usually every little thing I say or post. So then, I am trying to cook supper - I usually keep extra ziplock bags (loose) in the cupboards so when I use a twinpack of something I can easily just put the other half of the twinpack in the zip lock n I reuse that zip lock over n over. Yesterday I got frustrated bc I could not find any of my ziplocks. I asked my husband if he had thrown them away he said he had not. So I said "I can't find any of the damn things. I keep them up here even after I empty them so..." and he interrupts me "I DONT KNOW WHERE THEY ARE!!!" I said "I didn't ask that and you could have waited til In was done talking to say that you are constantly interrupting me. I was venting. I am frustrated. If I interrupt you, you get mad. Why is it ok for you to consistently interrupt me?" To which he says "I wish I were dead". I said "Yep. That's your answer to everything. Everytime I get upset or frustrated or say something bothers me you wish yourself dead or we need to break up - yet you were the one who asked me to marry you, I did not tell you to do that." He said "no, God forced me to do that" I said "God didn't force you to do anything - did He hold a gun to your head?" He said "nope - guess I shouldn't have asked you." I said "you're right, if you don't love me, you should not have" and sat down to wait on food to cook. I happened to exhale loudly as I do when trying to release frustration - get a nasty look for doing that. Then after we were done eating, I went back on FB for a time - same deal. Came here .. cannot talk about that per rules. So yea it isn't about how I am perceiving ppl it is simply how they are reacting to me. It would be a lot nicer to believe it was just my perception. I thought of that n analyzed it as a possibility before posting this thread - I just ruled it out.

Thanks though. ❤

Wow Crypts. A lot going on here. I’ll drop my 2 cents of how I see it, maybe a fresh perspective, & you can take or leave what you need.

I knowing returning texts for some people is like instant gratification. I’m not a big fan of it. It sounds like you set some boundaries here with this person, that you turn the phones off so u can enjoy being home. Stand by this boundary; it’s good.
You’re friend stating that you have someone to spend the holiday with & they don’t.....is very passive aggressive.
FB...I’m no help there. I’m not on it & ignorance is bliss is awesome. Now there’s many that get angry with me bec I’m not on bec I have a big family....but I always tell them...how did we all survive pre 2004!

Ziplock situation. You got frustrated. I’m sure you felt it coming on? In your body? Can you take a minute to just count...or breathe. Just a minute or 2.
I used to interrupt my H a great deal I’ve noticed & had it pointed out to me...many times. I hate that I do it. I try to be patient really & im working on it, but I think I interrupt bec I feel that I wanto be heard & if I wait I won’t get that chance. My opinion will not be asked for by the time it’s my turn. But I do understand that my Husband hates it bec he feels like I’m not listening to him. I’m not sure if this makes sense. I feel it comes down to how we learn the art of communicating as children & how we learned it. For me my parents yelled at each other a great deal of the time & that’s how they heard each other.

But for him to use a reply of I wish I were dead, takes all the actual conversation out of the room, sucks it into a vacuum & now he controls it. Again I see this as very passive aggressive.
So you said “if you don’t love me, you shouldn’t have married me..” where does that leave the rest of the conversation?
I think people react to us yes, but also our body language, our word selection, our tone of voice, a real combination of many things.
I think people have highly yet simple structured thinking patterns & any change to that can cause chaos in their system.
I see that a great deal.
Are you feeling any better???

Nope - today we just sat in silence, til I needed to cook - at which point a bickering fest broke out while I was about to serve bc he said he wanted to add some pickles n ham to the salad - so I stopped n told him go ahead - he said no I will just add it to mine its ok - I said no it sounds good go ahead n just add it to all - he said no I told you I will just add it to mine - I said whatever n dished up mine, then he says "well wait - do you want pickles n ham too?" I said I just said to add it to all but you said no to dish up mine so I did that , just make yours now .. Then I get half way done eating it n he asks me the same thing...

So we been quiet again ever since

As far as the frustration thing - normally I keep my frustrations to myself, but he verbally vents his almost all the time - on rare occasion I do as well, this was one, since we have been together 13 yrs (except 2nd we were separated) I feel I have that right. Also him interrupting me is aggravating bc he literally yells at me the moment I do it to him - yet he its ok for him to consistently cut me off. I do make sure to listen to him though I do not always have the responses he likes, which sometimes gets the complaint "you aren't listening"

I can definitely sympathize with you. I feel on the rare occasions when I do try to vent, sometimes he hears me complaining (which I am) but also has this male ego going on that I’m somehow asking him to fix it for me.
I’m not. I’m asking for the space to be heard, acknowledged & seen in the relationship. Basically that I matter just as much.
When he vents to me a majority of the time it’s over these injustices he sees & political situations at work he has to deal with.
After 20some yrs I’m kind of tired of hearing about the same, belly aching, issues. Thru the yrs I’ve always listened. When I’d disagree he’d say I wasn’t listening or I just didn’t understand.
Now what I see is a totally different personality he has at work, but then comes homes & emotionally regurgitates all over me at home bec subconsciously I think he hates the person he is at work.

We have a lot of basic communication issues. I can say something but what I’ve noticed is that he twists what I’m saying & hears something totally different.

This yr I’ve tried to call him out on this; to show him & he hates it. I’m not trying to be cruel to him but I’ve lived in silence with him for a hell of a long time. I’m tired.

When you vent does he know that all you wanto do is be heard or for him to have sympathy, empathy?

Somehow when I vent he takes everything personal. Like I was venting about the bags but when he finally spoke to me about why he was angry (in a hollering manner) he said I had "just b*tched at him about the damn bags". He does that each time I vent - but I don't start getting angry at him, until he interrupts me midstream of talking. That frustrates me more than anything - when I'm in the best of moods, when I'm already frustrated to the point of needing to vent n he does it, then I lose it. I don't get why I cannot complete a sentence.

He does the same thing about twisting what I say - maybe that's a man thing? Men have a hard time understanding women n vice versa? Idk

Yes I agree. Maybe due to the way he was raised or his societal values, he feels that when you vent it’s aimed at him & his knee jerk reaction is to fix it. Not listen per say, but he’s thinking about himself & how he can fix it to make things better. I feel it’s the male role to do this.
Usually women “vent”, chat & share with other women, girlfriends or female family members. If you don’t have that (I don’t) I vent to him which is interpreted wrong.
I feel women listen, offer empathy & understand WHY we’re venting.

From research of my own & further readings it looks like this role switch started around the time of the break to the nuclear family.
When large extended families lived together women had others to go to in friendship & other women’s perspectives. We had a release valve.
Then the nuclear family started, families moved further apart & women were left with just their partners to fill the role of friend, confidant, etc & it fell into the males lap. His role became compounded.
There’s some podcasts about this idea. Can’t think of them at this minute, but when I started to listen to our history as women, well it made sense. Then add on today’s society pressure & it’s just a pressure cooker.

I’m not sure any of this helps you or not, but I do really understand how difficult basic communication can be. (((Hugs)))

Idk - all I do know is neither of us have friends or family to talk to, we are literally all one another has - we need to be able to rely on one another to be there, but it's one-sided. It kills me.

Sounds like you're going through some rough stuff, Crypts. I wish that there was something I could say to ease the pain and frustration. My older, live-in brother likes to interrupt me too and treat me bad in other ways as well and in the end I'm always the bad guy or the idiot. So, in a way I can see where you're coming from. I hope that things get better for you soon. I really do.

Its not you at all and I understand but I have realized most people dont understand me so I avoid people, I know its not good for me but I tend to just not care. I guees Im afraid they wont like me when they get to know me..think I am weird or something so I just don't bother because people can be real jerks even if they come off as nice at first I still end up feeling they secretly hate me. I can't help it. I also used to get attached really quickly and then thrown under the bus so It a difficult thing for me to even try..maybe its fear or something else.

This world can be so cold.... my wife and i are haveing serious problems... to hear from someone you gave all you had say some hurtful thing things can put life in perspective... you can't trust anyone and you can't expect anything from people... stay humble and be yourself