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#1
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've been in a very serious relationship for over 2 years now. My partner has a 4 yr old who I've come to love as my own and who loves me as well. I've been a part of his life raising her along with my partner who shares custody with his ex-wife. Their relationship was never a healthy one, as they only got married because she got pregnant and it was an unhappy marriage before it even started with an abrupt and awkward ending. I've noticed that he's the type of person who can't be the bad guy (especially with women). Although he's assumed that my role to be everything that they both do for their daughter except for any legal or major decisions, he seems to go back and forth about how involved I am if his ex is ever present at any function. I am hurt because we have plans to get married and despite it creating a "legal title" connecting me to his son, but I already view her as my (step) daughter, it seems he will pull away my "status" and say hurtful things like I'm "trying to replace her mother" which I would NEVER want. He's so uncomfortable with being around me and his ex together that he won't be straight about when he'd prefer I didn't attend a school function (since he can't tell her not to come) so he'll tell me last minute that she'll be there or cancel last minute, etc. If I'm supposed to be another caretaker for her how involved am I supposed to be or where does the responsibility stop? Is a parent-teacher presentation really overstepping bounds if he has expected that I care for her in the same way that her biological parents do?
We all want what's best for our daughter. At first he said he wanted to be friends with her for the sake of their child, and then he said he wanted to be friends with her because they used to be friends before. I don't know how fair it is, but I don't think they need to be buddies. I believe they can be friendly and do everything that they can for their daughter. But too many times I feel that he's put her feelings first and I'm trying to find a healthy way of expressing how uncomfortable and unfair that is. If I am his wife-to-be, then shouldn't he be making that clear to himself and to her rather than catering to her feelings? Every time I've brought it up productive or unproductively, he shuts down or shuts the conversation down. There are firm and assertive ways of making a point without being cruel or insensitive. Was I wrong in thinking I could handle such a sensitive situation? |
#2
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You're in one tough situation! I was in the same situation all the years I was raising my middle son.
I think your bf needs to find out where his own boundaries lay before he can help you decide what yours are. Can you talk to the child's mother and get a feel for where she is? One thing I know for sure. You don't want to marry this man until you've got this all ironed out. He needs to come to some conclusions and soon, for everyone's benefit. I wish you the best in this.
__________________
Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
#3
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Interestingly, she'll play it cool with me now. She used to get super psycho with it in the beginning, on her bad days she would tell everyone I stole her husband, on the good days she owned why they'd split 1 year before i even met him. But there is no talking to her, she's polite but as far as she's concerned thats as far as it'll go.
I told him today that if this was a preview of what was to come, I needed to reevaluate, to which he got mad. What do you mean by him needing to find out where his boundaries are? And if that means he thinks that whole part of his life is absolutely none of my business, is that supposed to be acceptable? |
#4
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I made friends with my husband's ex-wife and that way had no troubles with who was "mothering" when. My husband has 3 sons and I played the support role, giving he and his sons as much space as I could to bond with each other (and making sure they felt welcome in my husband's and my home). If his ex-wife is at an affair, she is the mother and grandmother and I automatically put myself into support mode. It's not a competition!
If I were in your place I'd pretend I were a really good friend of the family and (1) do whatever would help your husband with his obligations/wishes toward his daughter (2) do what you think would be best for the daughter if there's an absense of either of her parents. There's plenty of time/room for a relationship with her in there. Don't worry about what his ex-wife says about you, you know the "truth" so it's like some "stranger" saying your mother wears combat boots :-) It's not only not true, it's not relevant/is almost nonsensical. My husband's ex-wife has said we're "best friends" but my opinion of her is not quite that good :-) But I can be friendly and helpful and understand her "limits" and help her without hurting her by making fun of her or telling her her faults, etc. I'm a good person and know who I am and how I want to behave and be and that's all that is important. I love my husband and he loved her and they made 3 wonderful children; I can support that.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#5
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
keepitmoving said: What do you mean by him needing to find out where his boundaries are? And if that means he thinks that whole part of his life is absolutely none of my business, is that supposed to be acceptable? </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> He needs to search his heart and apply logic to his feelings to see just how important his ex-wife is to him as opposed to you and having you in his life. He needs to find out where his feelings for his ex-wife end, what his responsibility to her begins and ends. The way I see it, he has NO responsibility towards the EX. His responsibilities are for his daughter and his daughter ONLY. He needs to get it clear in his head and his heart how he feels about you, how much of his life he wants to share with you, what your role is and will be. Are you going to be his #1, or does his ex share a part of that position. It's not fair of him to expect the both of you to be #1. After he makes these decisions, and if you can live with them, then it's fair for you to expect him to stand by those decisions. You need to be sure of what your role is as his woman. You need a commitment from him that you are his ONLY woman especially after you're married. If his ex has physical custody of their daughter, then it would be your role to be a support for her dad. However, you do have a say in her behavior when she is in your home. You and he have to come to an abiding stand as to what is acceptable and what isn't. In no way is that little girl allowed to disrespect you. You have the right to maintain your own boundaries in that respect. It's about your person. If there is friction on that point, then the two of you have to come to some sort of an understanding and stand by it. What Perna said is also very valid. I wish I had had her advice when I was trying to raise my blended family. I might have not made the mistakes I made. Now, I'm speaking a lot from hindsight. What I'm saying to you comes from the fact that my husband couldn't stand up to his ex's big, brown puppy dog eyes. She'd bat her eyelashes and he was done for! Many times, he'd agree with me on a course of action and the minute she walked in the house, it all went out the window! ![]() ![]() I was insecure as his wife, I was insecure as his son's mother, and I was definitely jealous of the son and ex-wife! Not a good place to be. I had worked very hard to get him custody of his son, which was a driving force in his life. To top it all off, the boy was physically and emotionally abused at his mother's house. I was the one that took him to get medical attention, and I was the one that hired the attorney to protect the boy... because my husband wouldn't. No gutts. He wanted me to be the bad guy. No problem! LOL I'm as bad as they come when it comes to protecting an innocent child! But I'm digressing... Take what you can use of my experience and leave the rest. Best to you!
__________________
Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
#6
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Have you considered going to a family therapist for a few sessions of counseling with your boyfriend? It might be really helpful. Take care and good luck.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
#7
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Hey. I guess that when it comes to the kid it really should be about... What is best for the kid. What does the kid want?
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#8
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I don't mean that she should choose between you or anything like that. I just mean that sometimes she might like both of you to be there but othertimes she might like some special time with her mother.
I would have found it hurtful if someone said that I was trying to replace someones mother. I think that so long as the kid wants to see the bio mother and the bio mother wants to see the kid and you are okay about letting her bio mother emotionally support her and spend time with her and stuff then... It is a wonderful thing indeed to be surrounded by people who care about you. There are so many people in the world who aren't loved. If she has three people who love her then she is very lucky indeed. |
#9
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i agree with everyones views on the need for boundaries, and more importantly sticking to them. i have stepsons as well. my husband's ex-wife is a nightmare! but we made a choice to try our best not to allow it to affect our relationship. i too have a child from a previous relationship. my husband and i discussed what we expected from eachother and our roles in the lives of the kids. we celebrate b-days and all other special days in our time with the kids. the ex-wife and her husband do their own thing on their own time. now when it comes down to something like schooling, behavioral issues etc, my hub and ex deal with that with eachother. i have no problem with that and feel at ease with how we have gone about this. and fortunately we have benefitted from our decisions. though u play an important role in the childs life, i feel u too should set your own boundaries so u won't be disappointed when u r not included in certain activities.
best of luck to u. definitely work this out before getting hitched. |
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