Should I get a DNA paternity test?

My wife is currently in an affair, and during my confrontation with her back in November she confirmed the current affair and also revealed that she slept with the guy 15 years ago. This is all chronicled in the thread https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...-marriage.html. Just to be clear, I did not know about this 15-year-old cheating until she told me about it in November 2017.

She moved out three weeks ago, and I'm putting my life back together. Part of my healing process has been to write out all of the events of her relationship with this other dude as I know them in one concise page. This assignment has prompted me to look at facts and documents that indicate when things happened so that my written history can be as accurate as possible to truly understand the level of her betrayal. My purpose for doing that is to put an end to the guessing and have something concrete to hold on to that confirms for me, in one page, that separation and divorce are the right course of action.

OK, so in doing this I determined something that has me gravely concerned. Based on her disclosure about the intercourse 15 years ago and the timing of when that happened, it's dangerously close to the time that my 2nd child was conceived. I'm not talking about 6 months off or even 3 months off, I'm talking within the same month. My kid was born in late October 2003, and her disclosure indicates that she had intercourse with the other guy sometime in late December 2002 or early in 2003--I don't know exactly when.

In her version of this event from 15 years ago, she made it sound like it was a one-time thing. She said they met in a hotel, and he wore a condom. She said it was something that she was seeking but it didn't turn out how she thought it would, so they didn't pursue it further. Of course, I can't rely on anything she tells me as being true or untrue--they are only words coming out of her mouth at this point.

So the timing of that cheating in 02/03 bothers me. I am considering getting a drug-store DNA paternity test that would confirm that I am my son's biological dad, or confirm that I am not. I'm scared to do this because if I find out that I am not his bio dad, what do I do with that information? Frankly it makes me sick to think that I may not be my son's biological father.

DNA doesn't make family. He is your son and you are his dad. My question is, do you want to do this to your son?

He is your son regardless of biological ties. The only time DNA testing is important is to determine some genetic mutations or inherited illness etc otherwise what difference does it make?

I can understand the desire to know for sure, but as others have said, he's your son. You have raised him. Do you really want that to drive a wedge between you and your son?

I wouldn't blame you for having a DNA test, but please have a doctor do it, not a drug store DNA test. Also, really carefully contemplate what this will do to your relationship with your son and if you are willing to allow her infidelity to do that to you and him.

I know that not knowing can be unbearable, but you have raised him. He is your son, regardless of blood.

Seesaw

You are all right. As much as I think it wouldn't change how I view my son if I determined we were not biologically tied, I can't say at all how I would really feel if the results showed that.

I love my kids, and I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with them or how they perceive who they are or who their family is. Both kids are already going through so much with the separation and impending divorce, why put another strain on them?

It hurts so much that my wife has introduced these questions into my life. I thought I knew who she was, who I was, who our family was, but I was wrong. She has unleashed a torrent of sorrow and misery for me because of her selfishness.

I agree with other posters, and I think this sudden change is probably already upsetting your children so I think it's important to make sure that you don't do anything that could lead to your son being traumatized. After all, he knows you as his father, it could devastate him if he were to find out he is not your biological son. Fourteen/Fifteen is still such a young age and he will not have the ability to handle this or even that it matters to you on some level.

my first thought is... if you need to ask then the answer is always yes do the test. short version every human being has inside them their "gut instinct" and if the gut instinct is saying something is wrong or need to do a test or want to do a test then go i go with it and do it.

as far as the tests you can buy in a store .... they are not always reliable and are known for giving false negative and false positives. if you really want to know whether a child is yours or not the best thing to do is contact your local hospitals bloodwork lab and ask them if they do DNA testing. (most now days do because of family courts tend to need the results right away to decide things like custody, paternity/ maternity, child support, not to mention blood tissue typing when a baby is born.)

for DNA testing you will need an untainted, un manipulated, sanitary sample from both parents and the child in question.. usually hospitals do this with a special inside the cheek and mouth swabbing with a special "swab" and culture set.

the process is easy and my wife and I go through this with each of our children when they are born, because we are in a same sex marriage and if something happens to one we want the other to retain custody. just our way of completely avoiding any future problems for our children due to using IVF process and being in lesbian marriage. after the children are born, we all go through DNA testing, the biological father (same donor for each of our children) signs the paperwork and then which ever one of us (my wife or I) that was not the DNA of the child does the adoption process. this way everything is legal and done for our children in the event that something happens to one or the other of us. no battles over / for the children.

also you might want to check out your health insurance plans and the hospital where the child was born. sometimes DNA testing covered by insurance and is part of normal blood work panels for newborns.

I would not get the test.

I agree with others in not testing. I’m sorry she has done all this too you.

Are you in therapy to help you process the end of your marriage and how she has hurt you so deeply?

Please be kind to yourself during this process, you have a lot to accept and overcome. My first husband cheated it’s a horrible heartbreaking thing to manage.

My heart goes out to you.

Take care

At this point you feel betrayed and you are probably experiencing a lot of emotions, often this can bring out anger too. Anger brings out a desire for action and that is something you have to make sure you hold back on even though you might feel you need to act.

It's good that you found this site where you can vent and actually while you have shared your concerns here, you have also shown to be pretty level headed and considerate. I am glad to hear you are paying attention to your children and how this has been affecting them. This is one of those times where they will need you to reassure them they will be fine and that you are there if they need to sit and talk. Your children may struggle with how your wife is leaving and often children even their age feel like they are being abandoned and even that their parents don't love them enough to stay together.
It's important to reassure them that they still have parents and you are there for them and love them.

Just to be clear, my son does look like me in that he's also white, same color hair, same color eyes, etc. It would be much more problematic if he clearly did not look like me.

I'm not going to do it.

Thanks, Christina. Yes, I am in therapy and have been for 4 years, so well before this all started. I don't know how I would have handled it had I not actively been in therapy--probably much worse than I have.

It is heartbreaking to have these questions.

You will find your way through this, you will

It is truly heartbreaking to have those questions but you can also just put it out of your mind, which is what it sounds like you are moving toward.

I would not get the test. No matter what the result, think about how it will make your son feel. Your kids need to know both parents are there for them despite the separation and divorce.

I really thought I was past all of the revelations about the affair until I stumbled across the paternity question a couple of days ago. Yeah, I'm angry and my initial feeling is wanting to do "something." But just like her actions have resulted in consequences, my actions would as well. Bad consequences that just aren't worth it.

Open Eyes, I can't tell you how valuable this forum has been to my sanity during this ordeal. I kept feeling like I wanted to talk to someone about whether or not to do the paternity test, but it just didn't feel right talking to friends or family about this, which is really just a suspicion at this point (though that suspicion is based in concrete facts).

I'm seriously f'ed up from this. But so far, for the past 2 months, I've been able to put my best face forward for my kids. It doesn't make sense to blow it now by going nuclear and taking them down with me. I just need to count the days between now and meeting with our mediator, then getting the mediator's take on dividing our assets, then initiating the divorce proceedings. Finalizing the divorce will be a relief.

Can I just say a few more things about anger? I wish my wife the worst. I would like to see her suffer to the same level that I am suffering--or more. Her selfishness has made me question everything in my 20-year marriage. The world that I used to live in does not exist anymore. I want nothing--NOTHING to do with her, but we do have two kids so we need to be civil. For awhile I thought maybe friendship was a possibility, but why would I ever want to be friends with someone who has so little regard, so little care for me, that she would do the things she has done? There is nowhere for us to go.

I know that anger Mapman, I know it oh so well. I was married for several years, faced some challenges and tried very hard to stay strong and work at my marriage. Then I found out that my husband cheated on me. I wanted him to hurt just as bad as I was hurting just like you are describing. I was married 17 years when I found out. My daughter had just turned 13. As hard as it was for me, I did not want it to damage her because I put a lot of effort into raising her, I was so mad at my husband for putting HER in the position she was put in too.

Did you know that Stephen Spielberg blamed his father when his parents got divorced? He did not realize for many years that it was not his father's fault at all, it was his mother that cheated and wanted the divorce. He was lucky that when he finally learned the truth that his father was still alive so he could apologize to him. A lot of his movies revolve around a young boy living with a single mother and the mother is a bit childish, and the father was nonexistent. It's important to understand that children don't see things as they really are and often they will even favor the more childlike parent. My daughter said to me years later, "Dad was always so happy go lucky, you were the one that tended to be stressed". Oh, I was stressed alright, but a child doesn't understand how to look at that the way we would think. That's because they are simply not mature enough and have no life experience to have the capacity to see the reality. I did not have a support sight like this at the time either.

What I can say is that YOU have value and unfortunately, your wife is thinking more about herself just as my husband was selfish. I know you want her to hurt like you are hurting, but that isn't something you can achieve. Perhaps, in time she will be hurt in that this other individual who also cheated on his wife, who is cheating on her now will also eventually do that to your wife too.

At this point, even though you are so angry, the best and healthiest thing for you to do is allow this break to happen so you can work on yourself and find someone else that will appreciate you and actually add "quality" to your life. It would also be a lot healthier for your children to see that happen rather than see you angry and resentful.

Mapman! So sorry to hear this. Wow, you're having more than your fair share of moral dilemmas.

I completely agree that a test would be devastating for your son. He would lose the family unit, his father and his mother (likely to hate her for the deceit).

It's enough to send a young person off the rails.

Give yourself strength by rewatching 'It's a Wonderful Life'.

That could be you one day, looking out from a happy family, and thinking Thank goodness I didn't do that.

Map in my experience, there are always consequences for every action we take. Especially those to hurt others, and even more especially those actions that hurt the ones you love. This was written keeping your wifes actions in mind, not what is going through your head. What goes around will come around. Stay strong, keep your head up, and walk straight.