[Aesthete]

Hi everyone. I'm here because I'm seeking outside opinions about my boyfriend's behavior. We have been seeing each other for just over two years and it has been both wonderful and awful at times. I do love him and I can see a future with him, but his jealousy has always concerned me. We met as coworkers and share many commonalities despite a sizeable age difference (him being 15+ years older). Our work environment consists of mostly men, although women are not uncommon. I should also mention that I was still living with my children's father at the beginning of our relationship, which he was aware of. My ex and I had just separated and I had not intended to jump into another relationship so soon, but I (mistakenly?) confided in my current boyfriend and sought his advice because of the respect that I had for him. We both developed feelings after that and decided to give things a try despite the tricky circumstances.

Since the beginning of our relationship, he has taken issue with me talking to male coworkers. Once, upon seeing me talking to a coworker from a distance, he assumed I was flirting and decided to walk between us, loudly clear his throat, and then turn around to glare at me. When we got to the car after our shift, he proceeded to yell about the wrong I had done to him. In between his venting, I explained myself, after which he calmed down, apologized, and that was that. Several other times I did not reply to his goodnight texts due to falling asleep and came into work the next day to find him in a terrible mood in which he'd accuse me of being up to something or lying to him. I'd break down and cry because of the way he talked to me, he'd apologize and comfort me, and that would be that.

He has since stopped yelling about male coworkers, but now it has changed into passive aggression. He is convinced that most of our coworkers are gawking at me and he has gotten into altercations with some of them over it. He accused one coworker of sexually harassing me (because the man kept passing by me for no apparent reason) and ended up being talked to by management about it (no one was found to be at fault). Other times he has made snide comments when seeing me talking to coworkers (a coworker asked me if I had a sister and before I had time to answer, he walked between us and sarcastically said “Yeah, that’s nice. Let’s go” and another time he learned that a coworker had introduced himself to me, so when we later walked past this coworker, he loudly said something like “Today’s the day for introductions.” Another time he saluted a man who I had talked to a week prior as we were walking out the door to leave.

Another issue is that we have been going back and forth over my clothing choices (I wear jeans and short to long sleeved shirts) at work. He has told me that what I wear is inappropriate for the workplace, has asked me if I like the attention I get from men, and tells me that I cause him stress. He also said that I’m very inconsiderate because I draw attention to myself and he has to deal with men looking at me. I’ve pointed out that my clothing style is the same as before we met, that I shouldn’t have to change to accomodate men who will look anyways, and that women we work with wear clothing that is much worse (which really isn’t bad at all, in my opinion). When I bring these things up, he’ll tell me that I’m stubborn, tell me that these other women don’t count because they’re either fat or unattractive, or tell me that I’m right, that he’s sorry that men are such pigs, and that it must be hard to be an attractive woman. He’s gone back and forth on this many times, sometimes raging and acting passive aggressive towards me (frowning at my jeans, saying “really?” sarcastically, or scoffing when he sees me) and other times telling me that he’s sorry, that he realizes it’s an issue with his jealousy, and that he’ll try not to let it bother him. I have tried to appease him (per his request) by wearing different, baggier jeans, shirts that cover my butt, and looser fitting clothes, but he still finds fault with most of my outfits. I might wear a long sweater to cover my butt, but it’s pointless if it moves while I’m working. Or I’ll wear looser jeans, but my shirt might be form-fitting and that will upset him. I have explained that I feel like he is asking me to make him feel comfortable at my own expense and he will again apologize and say that he’ll try to do better. If I’m working on days when he isn’t, he will jokingly send me texts telling me to keep my butt covered and my eyes on the floor.

Often when he perceives a threat, he will go into attack mode. One day at work, he asked me if I thought that a coworker was handsome. I answered honestly and objectively, saying that he was. My boyfriend then became visibly upset and told me that he thought a female coworker of ours had a “nice @ss.” He felt wronged by my answer and must have felt the need to take a stab at me, not understanding why I was in turn upset by his response. In my mind, commenting objectively on something is much different than complimenting a specific, sexualized, body part. Another recent incident occurred in the parking lot of a grocery store when we passed a man with a vaudeville villain’s mustache. I made a comment about it being an awesome mustache and my boyfriend proceeded to lose it. He said that it’s a pedophile mustache, to which I countered that not all pedophiles have the same mustache. Then he said that he was disgusted that I thought it was cool and that he had lost respect for me. He apologized after the fact and said that his jealousy had gotten the better of him.

He is very insecure in some ways and very arrogant in others. He will tell me that most people are stupid, that we’re better than them, that he does what we wants because he knows he’s right. Other times he will call himself a fat P.O.S., old, ugly, disgusting, a loser, and more. I have always tried to build him up and make him feel better, which works for a time, but then it comes right back. He has told me that he’s worried I’ll leave him for a younger, more attractive man my own age, but I always reassure him that I love him and that age means nothing to me. I mistakenly let slip that I find beards attractive once and now he’s constantly on edge about men with beards. He will watch me at work and then make comments about how many times I looked up or looked over where a man with a beard was working. He assumes that I’m constantly checking men out (which is exactly the opposite), but he’ll eventually give in to my protests and say “okay” although I’m not convinced that he believes me.

Often he will turn these hurts around on me. If I’m reasonably dressed for my own comfort, I am being selfish and inconsiderate for not thinking of how my clothing attracts attention and makes him feel. I admittedly have a bad habit of avoidance (I will sometimes hide and not text when he has upset me. It isn’t because I want to punish him, but because I need distance from him and whatever behavior it was that hurt me) and even though I’ve explained this, he will tell me that I’m emotionally abusing him. I’ve been called spineless, a coward, sneaky, ungrateful, oblivious, unhelpful, childish, messed up in the head, picky, *****y, inconsiderate, and probably others that I can’t remember. He has told me that I ruined his life (because he left his ex of one year to pursue a relationship with me), caused him anxiety, made his addictions worse (he chews and spits, which is an eating disorder, and self-medicates with Adderall despite knowing that it makes him extremely irritable), caused him to be depressed, and have turned him into a shell of his former self. But then he’ll tell me that I’m amazing, a sweetheart, the love of his life, one of a kind, etcetera. It’s confusing and exhausting.

I have had problems with speaking my mind in the past because I never want to hurt people. I know this is unhealthy and I’ve gotten much better about it, but his behaviors really brought out my own weaknesses. After big fights where he would yell and rage at me, I would shut down emotionally and have told him that it was over a number of times. He has always convinced me to give the relationship another try, but then he will later talk about how I don’t allow him to have any security in the relationship because he’s always afraid that I will break up with him. He has told me his ex thinks that I’m playing games and wasting his time. After breaking up, I will both grieve and feel a measure of relief at the same time. I love this man, but I think that what we have is unhealthy. He has said that he’s never acted like this with other women, that his exes never saw this side of him, that I can bring out the worst and the best in him.

I could go into much more detail, but then this post would be even more massive than it already is.

As I wrote this post, I thought about how my reactions and feelings have evolved since the beginning of this relationship. At first, I was hurt by his behavior and often sought to placate him to my own detriment. I thought he’d see the error of his ways, and he often did. His better qualities made it worth it. But now he wants me to move in with him and I’m terrified. I came here because I’m afraid of making a huge mistake. I love him. He’s my intellectual equal and he gives me mental stimulation that I’ve never had in my life. We share so many common interests and have similar world views. I don’t know if I should continue this relationship though, given all the issues it has. I’ve never experienced this, but then I’ve only ever had three long term relationships. Are the good times even worth the bad times like these? Is my anxiety normal or a sign that I should get out? Am I really so immature and selfish that I could destroy this man without realizing it? I know that I’m not perfect and I’m sure that my issues have triggered his in some ways, but he can’t have been picture perfect before me, right? I don’t know. This could potentially be something amazing, but my three children are going to have to live with my decision. Help please. And I’m sorry for such a long (and yet not nearly detailed enough) post.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Aesthete: I'm sorry you are struggling with these difficult relationship issues. I'm not a mental health professional. So I'm not going to try to suggest what might be going on with your bf. But, from my perspective, he has some serious issues!

If it was just you, & you wanted to continue trying to make this relationship work, then I think I would simply say good luck. But I believe you wrote elsewhere that you have 3 kids between the ages of 8 & 2. That being the case, my recommendation, for what it's worth, would be to get as far away from this man as possible, as soon as possible.

I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to know which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, you'll see what your life, & you kids' lives, are likely to be like if you remain in this relationship. I wish you well.

Controlling behavior tends to get worse as a relationship progresses from what I've seen. If I was you I would bail. His behavior is scary to me already. Good luck in your decision.

My dear.... I'm sorry to say it, but this man is showing signs of abuse. Controlling behavior as such is abusive behavior, and overly jealous is a trait of abusive men. He also berates you, calls you terrible things and names, and blames you for his own issues. This is also emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior.

DO NOT move with this man, is my advice. The abusive nature of his ways will only worsen over time, especially once he thinks he has more of you, as all abusers do. Abuse statistically escalates and worsens over time, and he's already showing signs and traits of an abuser.

I would get out of this relationship and I would certainly not expose my children to him. The good aspects are not worth all the bad ones. The bad far outweighs the good. You already know yourself that this is not healthy for you.

And if you stay OR move in with him, your own mental health will start to suffer more. Please do yourself a huge favor and start thinking about exiting from this now. I have been through several abusive relationships myself and I kick myself every single time I've stayed too long.

[Bill3]

This man is controlling and abusive. My advice is to end this relationship at once. Under no circumstances should you move your children in with him. Once he has you and your children under his daily control, he will become even more controlling and abusive.

[Aesthete]

Thank you for your responses everyone. Except for times like the ones I’ve mentioned, he is a very sweet, loving, and considerate man. He is always talking about how he wants us to be closer, to understand me better, and to push to improve ourselves. I haven’t had a partner like him, which makes it feel worthwhile. I’ve felt a huge amount of guilt over being indecisive, which is part of why I’ve had a hard time completely severing ties. The strongly conflicting feelings (love and anxiety) are confusing. The job that I share with this man is not my permanent career. Is there a possibility that his behavior could remedy itself once I’ve moved on to a new work environment where he doesn’t feel so threatened and I’m with him more often? Right now we only see each other once or twice a week, which also rubs him the wrong way. I know that his behavior is unacceptable and that changing things to cater to his insecurities is inadvisable, but I know that this is partly my fault and wonder if he really has just pushed himself beyond his limits in order to continue our relationship and he’s lashing out in ways that he never has before me. His friends and family seem unaware of his bad side and as I’ve mentioned, his ex has come to his defense. I know the behavior says run, but I guess what I really want to know is if there’s any hope for change.

[Aesthete]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

My dear.... I'm sorry to say it, but this man is showing signs of abuse. Controlling behavior as such is abusive behavior, and overly jealous is a trait of abusive men. He also berates you, calls you terrible things and names, and blames you for his own issues. This is also emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior.

DO NOT move with this man, is my advice. The abusive nature of his ways will only worsen over time, especially once he thinks he has more of you, as all abusers do. Abuse statistically escalates and worsens over time, and he's already showing signs and traits of an abuser.

I would get out of this relationship and I would certainly not expose my children to him. The good aspects are not worth all the bad ones. The bad far outweighs the good. You already know yourself that this is not healthy for you.

And if you stay OR move in with him, your own mental health will start to suffer more. Please do yourself a huge favor and start thinking about exiting from this now. I have been through several abusive relationships myself and I kick myself every single time I've stayed too long.

Did you stay in hopes of things getting better and they never did? Or did you try to accomdate your partner and it didn't work? I'm just wondering if it's possible for the behavior to improve at all. But you mentioned wanting to kick yourself afterwards, so I'm guessing not. I'd just like to hear about your experiences, if you don't mind sharing.

I've read that trying to cater to insecurities ends up having the opposite effect. He's a smart man and he can sometimes recognize when he's being unfair, which is what gives me hope. I think he's capable of change, but he still slips back into the same behaviors. When we're alone together, everything is great. And I can't say whether a different job or spending more time with him would help, because I haven't been able to make those things happen, but I know that changing my clothing hasn't helped because the jealousy and insecurity is still there.

Thank you again for your response.

My dear, you are in denial of abuse. People are telling you he is abusive. You are blaming yourself, are looking to change yourself for him (changing jobs so he doesn't have to be jealous) , and want him to change. This is denial.

[Bill3]

You already know that changing yourself, your clothes, etc., will not change him. I doubt that changing your job will help either.

He needs to commit to change, get help from a therapist, and actually change himself, for a long period of time, before I would be comfortable entrusting myself or my kids to his constant presence. How long are you willing to wait?

Originally Posted by Aesthete

Did you stay in hopes of things getting better and they never did? Or did you try to accomdate your partner and it didn't work? I'm just wondering if it's possible for the behavior to improve at all. But you mentioned wanting to kick yourself afterwards, so I'm guessing not. I'd just like to hear about your experiences, if you don't mind sharing.

I've read that trying to cater to insecurities ends up having the opposite effect. He's a smart man and he can sometimes recognize when he's being unfair, which is what gives me hope. I think he's capable of change, but he still slips back into the same behaviors. When we're alone together, everything is great. And I can't say whether a different job or spending more time with him would help, because I haven't been able to make those things happen, but I know that changing my clothing hasn't helped because the jealousy and insecurity is still there.

Thank you again for your response.

They NEVER change. Abusive people DO NOT CHANGE. They get worse over time.

I kicked myself because, like you, I thought if only I could explain how I feel they will change for me.

Bottom line is, the moment someone is disrespectful and controlling, is the moment you realize you need to leave.

You are trying to change yourself and change him. This will not work. Do not accommodate his extreme insecurities. It will only become something else.

Please do not ignore the fact that people are telling you that this is abuse. I wrote my other response before seeing this reply, btw. I don't mean to come across as though I lack compassion... it's the total opposite. I just don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did. ((((Hugs)))))

[Aesthete]

Thank you again, everyone. I think I'm going to permanently end the relationship this time. The name calling came up in conversation this past weekend (I teared up when he mentioned that he used to call an ex girlfriend names but then stopped because he realized how destructive it was) and when I mentioned how much it bothered me, he told me that he is just speaking the truth and wants to encourage me to make changes. He then turned it around and sarcastically asked me if I could learn to let things go (he did this several times, even after I pointed out that I didn't bring it up, my emotions just got the better of me.) He did say that he'd try to use nicer words in the future (we were specifically talking him calling me a spineless coward for not wanting to take my ex to court for child support), but only because I can't handle the truth apparently. The fact that he dismissed how strongly I felt about this was really telling. So your responses, that conversation, and my feeling so anxious really solidified my decision. It could be great, but I think that we're just too different in some vital ways and I can't keep fighting it. Thank you again, everyone.