I am lacking in Character/Courage

Dear Hoping, this is another form of control by your husband, never leaving you alone for two seconds. You should be able to have solo time whenever it is needed. Two people cannot be joined at the hip at all times, like he is doing to you. People need their own personal space, privacy, activities and down time.

Part of my problem is that I have never been good at enforcing boundaries in any of my relationships. I am trying to get better at recognizing when he has crossed the line and telling him I won't accept it anymore. The patterns we have fallen into -- there are both good and bad ones -- are a two way street. Before my attempt, I just had not idea how much they were effecting my mental health. I am making little changes and hope to make more but sometimes I backslide into my old ways. H on the other hand is hypersensitive about am I exhibiting behaviors like I did the day I attempted and sometimes that makes him want to control me more as in "Are you sure you don't need to take a pill (Xanax)"

Since your mental health has been effected by your relationship with your H, I would say it's time to work on your boundaries with him and to try and stop accepting what is not acceptable to you. I know that can be really hard to do when you don't like confrontation and/or standing up for yourself, but it must be done for your own mental health. He is being far too controlling and you shouldn't have to put up with that. You should be able to have time to yourself. You should be able to have a voice in the relationship. And you should be able to decide if and when you need a Xanax. Since your relationship is making you far more neurotic, that is not good for your mental health.

Yes, you are trying to be something you're not which is not healthy. You will become even more distant towards your husband, and both of you need to see the true self of yourselves.

It's really a battle, isn't it? I have very poor boundaries and no sense of 'normal' due to two parents who were very controlling and chaotic at the same time. I don't want to comment on your marriage because there are so many ins and outs to these relationships. My friendships and relationships repeat a lot of the patterns I grew up with and my progress is all in baby steps.

Re: boundaries, I have found some good books: When I say no, I feel guilty and Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend). Boundaries is Christian, but you don't have to be to get a lot out of the book (I'm not). Crucial Conversations is another one I like. It's more business oriented but sort of models courage in conversations. You are moving forward even if it is slow and you can't always see your progress!

Thanks, I will look for those books as I read everyday; keep a book by my bed. "When I say no, I feel guilty"--yes, that is me sometimes. But I can also think of many, many times I was proud that I said "Yes" so it's really a matter of thinking things through better/logically....

Hoping you and I share many 'issues' for want of a better word. I also have a strong mother and a husband who has controlled me at times.

I do like the suggestion of having a consistent response to any 'my way or the highway' ultimatums. One I used was "That is your opinion, mine differs". It took a lot of resolve from me to say that because I used to crumble in conflict (I still can just less frequently). This did help and he knows what I mean when I say that now.

I could write so much on this but how much would actually be helpful I don't know. What I do know is you certainly have character and courage but suspect you find some situations harder than others. You are kind and thoughtful, you do connect with us here and you are a good friend.

Well, it is where you are at in seeking, Eve, but yes, my comment can be for all. All relationships are not ideal and we much accept and settle for less. Yes, I’m saying that.

In Hoping’s situation, this dynamic with her h triggered her to a sui attempt. Something MUST change because her health comes first, most importantly.

Sure, we must accept less than "ideal" because we're only human and no one person can give us 100% of what we want and need, but certainly NOT dysfunctional! We do not need to accept a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship, nor should we. Yes, Hoping's situation needs to change. It is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that is impacting her mental health.

I do agree with this. In theory & on paper. It’s also hard to really recognize dysfunctional in a long relationship bec sometimes the dysfunction has taken yrs to manifest. It can just creep in, unseen, unchallenged & settles into yrs of what we first see as comfort. Or we see it as a sacrifice for the good of the relationship so we bend & mold ourselves into harmony bec that’s what makes a long relationship flow. Mutual give & take. The longer the relationship, the better the hindsight.

But bec of constant change we see things differently. In ourselves & then in our partner. Things we now see as a problem, but before we didn’t. So we change again; we grow. The issue is in such a long relationship that we ask our partner to change with us or grow with us, to see things differently in us & maybe in themselves.
If our partner doesn’t understand this change, value it, scoffs at it, ignores it & doesn’t wanto do any change or growth in themselves it pulls the relationship apart & builds chasms of discord between them. We doubt whether the change is valuable in the first place. Then add on top of that a MH issue we can blame as the culprit & the partner can also point to a MH issue as a possible root for this change....well it becomes a vicious circle of self doubt, no self esteem & we give in. We give up. We die on the inside as a sacrifice to save the relationship bec the length of time put into the union is now more valuable than the individuals.

Not sure that made any sense at all.
Sorry. But it’s the shoes I’m presently standing in & see so many other women in.

TRIGGER WARNING



Some comic relief here. This reminds me of this number from the show Chicago.

This totally makes sense to me.

I don’t believe we “must” accept or settle for anything we don’t want to. Most certainly we could accept and sometimes it’s the best solution to accept certain things. But there is no such thing as we “must” settle for less. And what’s acceptable for one person is absolutely a deal breaker for another.

I am sure there is someone in this world whi would have the patience & tolerance & skills to continue dealung with the dysfunction that existed in my marriage BUT the reality for me was that after 33 years enough was too much. Some things build up over the years rather than grow to tolerate. We are all different in how quickly it happens ir if it happens.

A lot of variables go into decisions to be finally able to leave. Even after I left it has taken me 10 years for it to be financially feasible to finally file for the divorce because of the financial mess he made when I was too sick to deal with ut & he was incapable. There are so many variables involved in everyone's individual lives that are impossibke to see from the outside of the marriage. Even the kids don't see the details most times