My boyfriend can't cope with my sexual past. Circle of insecurity

exactly!

Wow.

First of all, feel free to deliver this to him, from me.


Wtf is wrong with him? It's none of his business how many people you slept with, and he should be trying to help you understand and work on the issues that caused you to seek solace in sex. And then to turn around and call you a slut?! Ha. I'd have walked out and never looked back.

Honestly, you really should just *****-slap him the next time he says something out of the side of his neck. You need to check him, and check him hard. You establish a very firm line in the sand, and you tell him, that's it. You cross this again, and it's over.

Seriously...I'm getting pissed off just hearing it because of how much I had to go through to get to where I am and be with who I am with. If he would have said it within earshot of me, it would have been on like donkey kong, public place or not. He needs to get over himself--he's not a special snowflake, and he doesn't get to sit in judgement of your past because it had nothing to do with him. It's none of his business, period. And the fact that he is quasi-religious is absolutely hysterical--Pretty sure there are some major religious texts that say things like, Judge not lest ye be judged, pull the plank out of your own eye first and then help your neighbor, etc. Part of all religions is the basic idea that we pull each other up, keep our opinions to ourselves, and never judge someone else until you've walked in their shoes.

You don't deserve to have your past thrown around as a barb every time he gets angry or upset, and to tolerate that is to debase your own intrinsic value as a human being. Your past is buried in the past; the only thing that should concern him is the present, and how you fit into it, and since he's clearly not trying to fit you in, he's clearly not serious about you. If he can't deal, then kick his *** to the curb and find someone worthy of your time.

A thought came to my mind - perfect relationships are delicate to toxicity, yet because the bonding is perfect it’s harder to let go. Advantage or disadvantage depends on the eyes of the beholder.
Anyway I think it’s beautiful you guys want to work it out despite the toxicity.
I am sorry for not reading further on here as I have my own things to take care of. But this is a thought that came to my mind

My impression is that despite lengthy replies, the OP is facile with arguments to dismiss looking at her situation in a different way. Each person is responsible for what they bring to the table. Accepting a demeaning relationship for whatever reason is a choice.

Since he has lost his trust in all humanity due to you, how is your sex life with this guy now? The list...is it a mental list or written? Does it include things other than the people you had sexual contact with?

Hi, OP, I just want to make it clear that I was not saying he is the one for you. I was saying the opposite. I think that just because you both have insecurities, that should not bind you to each other. He is using yours against you and stepping all over you. Just because he is not purposely hurting you, or being malicious with you...I mean, do you see HIM changing? I do think you should make up your own mind about your situation, at the same time. I'm just not sure staying with him will help you in the long run (in my opinion).

In what way a man who calls you “slut” is “the one” for you?

I think you sound like a really nice person, warm, curious, and gentle. I think there is a way to discuss anything and still remain loving, happy, and respectful. Life is good when getting to know someone and talking about the future are not a drama, just a time of seeing who each other are. The biggest change in my life is I have a partner who never blames me for making him feel anything and I take responsibility for my feelings as well. My last partner blamed me for him finding a mistress and for leaving me for her. My mom blamed me for her being an alcoholic. I thought it was my responsibility to find a way to understand and to change myself, so I could live with other people's unhappiness. Life is so nice now that I can just cry and walk away when someone is mean.

This is an example of mind-reading, a type of cognitive distortion. What if you are wrong about his motivation? There are many other examples of this, as well as other types of cognitive errors that CBT can be helpful in identifying and dealing with.

What if he is not as connected to you as you think he is?

Thank you so much for all of your replys, thoughts and time! I can't express how much comfort I found here. I feel so accepted.

I am sorry for taking so long to reply. I tried to give your opinions and suggestions some thought.
Many expressed that there was nothing to feel sorry about and that there is nothing wrong about my past. I wish it was true. Unfortunately, I do not think so. People may have different oppinions on weither it is a new partner's business or not to know about one's dating past... but it remains a fact that I did not get tested on STDs on time and that I did not discuss the matter in a mature way.
My boyfriend is a person who is always thinking about long term consequences. (Another bad fight we had was because I used to smoke and he will question how it would make him feel if I get cancer because of this later in life...) This is why he blaming me for my past. Because I did not. And I that I regret about my past whows that he is right.

@ Anonymous87914Guest:
Our sex life differs a lot. Sometimes it can even bring us closer. Other times it will tear us apart because he will compare himself to my prior partners and conclude that I do not find him hot enough... and that again puts a lot of pressure on me. Still... sex is probably one reason why he is notbreaking up with me.

@ divine1966:
In what way a man who calls me “slut” is “the one” for me?
I never felt this alife with anyone. As a matter of fact this is the first time it ever came to my midn to call somene "love of my life". He inspires me and make me grow. I found back to interests that I lost long time ago because of him.
And I love that he is such a romantic. He will always put the relationsip first. He wants a high quality relationship. Sharing hobbies, having deep conversations, spending as mcuh time together as possible. That is what i am looking for, too.
Although this is far from how either of us would decribe the reality of our relationship. But this is why I don't want to give up. Because I want to have that with him.

@ Curry:
Thank you! What your saying about taking responsibility for one's feelings realy cought me. I am sorry that you had to experience that people so close to you were blaming you for how they felt. That is what my boyfriend is doing, too, I think.

@ tecomsin:
Not all of this are my attempts of mind reading. E.g. the explanation of the list is his own. Actually, it is more the other way arround in my opinion and reminds me of what Curry wrote. Often I feel that he is the one who is expecting me to read his mind. (If I would put it this way to him he would probably reply that I should know how certain things will make him feel... if I was thinking about the relationship first and not being as selfish as I am...)

I am still willing to continue this relationship. I know there a lot of things I want to improve about myself. And somehow I think what he is missing is me committing truely and showing it. Putting us first. Discussing and planing everything with him. So that is what I will try to attempt. And I am seeing my therapist tomorrow.

You lied to him because you were afraid of how he would react. That speaks volumes. Also, of course he still wants to be sexual with you.

People like him are controlling, one minute he ' wants ' you, and the next he threatens you with telling you to leave.

You will probably have to go through this crap from him, over and over before you see the worth of yourself.

I think it is unfair to write off a male just because he doesn't feel comfortable with the past promiscuity of his girlfriend. Yes, it is a weakness, not a strength. But that doesn't make such a feeling less real. Is there really no room for irrational male sensitivities?

That said, the way it is described here does seem unhealthy. If he knows he has problems dealing with it, why did the two of you think it to be a good idea to disclose so many details? That only triggers his fantasy, his insecurity, and makes it part of the present and not of the past, where it belongs.

So I do think this is a major issue in this relationship. But there is nothing you can really do. This is his problem and he needs to learn to deal with it. If this gets into a dynamic where he asks for more details, and you decide to lie to make sure he isn't hurt, and that leads to him being more insecure, since you are lying about it, that leads to a vicious cycle.

Look, I was surrounded by nothing but men for 13 years. I know bull**** when I see it. That's not male sensitivity (and if it was, he still had it coming for calling her a slut--that's supposed to be someone he's serious about?), it's called him over-reacting because he feels guilty about something, or he fears something, one or the other. Anger is a very strong emotion for that situation. Whatever it is, he's blaming her for it because it's her past but that's his problem, not hers.

That's what I think is going on.

And therapist needs to have her license revoked. She violated some pretty serious ethical laws no matter what country you're in.

Well, yes. He is pretty direct about his fears. And most of our conflicts boil down to the very same issue: He feels neglected. He feels as if he was not welcome. He is afraid that I am not as serious as he is. That I might fall for someone else and leave him.

Has he apologised for calling you a 'Slut' blubbrabbel?

No. And I doubt he would ever see a point in doing so. No matter what will happen or how much I have or will change... In his opinion my past behaviour was sick. He can't understand how anyone can waste themselves in this way. How anyone can treat their body as cheap.If he believed that I had changed he would not call me a slut I the present but still think of my past self as slut.

What I think is important to focus on is how the relationship is in the current present, according to nothing but the present and the upcoming future. Anyone who ruminates in the past is wasting their time in the relationship. You may want to see how you continue the relationship based on what's in the present and what will be in the future, NOT the past

I strongly agree. Our challenge however is that he is in a really bad state and to him it is all because of my past and the way he found out about it.

That is how it looks to him.

To me, though, it looks quite different. To me, he is completely out of line to blame you for his problems. Besides that, he is looking for a solution in the wrong place. The solution lies in fixing himself, not in endlessly blaming you.

What exactly does he hope to accomplish by insulting and blaming you forever?

I wonder why he stays with you if he thinks that you are a slut no matter what will happen or how much I have or will change... What could he be seeking? Maybe he gets some sort of strange psychological benefit from calling you a slut, criticizing you, and holding your past over you endlessly.

I also wonder how long you will stay with someone who thinks that you are a slut no matter what will happen or how much I have or will change... How many more days/weeks/months/years?

This man calls a slut and treats you poorly yet you continue worshipping him. There is something very wrong here. I wish you valued and respected yourself more. I believe working on your self esteem is paramount here. No self-respecting woman should be with a man who degrades her the way this man does.

So he think you are and will always be a slut. Yet he sleeps with you. What does that make him?

It makes him a man who has no respect for women but uses them to satisfy his needs. Either sexual needs or needs to feel better about himself by dominating and degrading them. He gets out of it what every abuser does. Many abusers sleep with women yet have no respect for them.

So to quote you you are staying with him because you “want” to have wonderful relationship with him. You aren’t staying with him because you “have” good relationship with him, but just because you “want” it. That’s just not good enough

Also you said you never felt that “alive”. So you can only feel alive and happy when a man degrades and insults you? Do you in general enjoy being mistreated? (Some people do so it’s a valid question).

This thread is so sad.

He is unfortunately the type of person who thinks it's okay to label someone as a slut. He does not feel the need to apologise for using abusive language/shaming them.

Why do you want to pursue a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

Do you have self worth issues?