[tecomsin]

I don't even know where to start, so rather than write a wall of text I'll just start with the fact that the prospect of him staying with me whilst looking for a job makes me sick to my stomach. It isn't that I don't love him, it is just that I have dreaded the prospect that he would move into my basement and play video games all day since he was a teenager. And we have big problems with boundaries and he sometimes has screamed at me that I am a ******, which i truly hate.

He's tired of being at my sisters because they live way out in the suburbs with no public transportation and he just got his driver's license and isn't all that comfortable driving yet and has no one to socialize with. My sister has taken care of him but doesn't recognize his need to get out of the house, meet people his own age and do things on his own.

He is quite abrupt with me when we text or talk on the phone it seems he never has time and just has to go. I don't know what to do.

[FallDuskTrain]

how long will he be staying for?

[tecomsin]

I don't know. I'm talking to my psychiatrist tomorrow and hope also to get some feedback here on what I should discuss with my son before coming to some agreement. I am guessing he will want to stay until he gets a job so it is undefined, but I don't like that idea at all.

[Nammu]

Nope, not undefined. Set limits. Everyday from 8-5 he's out of the house working on finding a job. He can go to job centers, libraries. He treats you with respect or he's no longer welcome, he starts yelling and that's it. Set the rules and have him sign a contract.

[seesaw]

I think that you should make a contract with him. Agreeing on the length of his stay and what he is allowed to do and not do. How long he plays video games should not matter as long as he's paying his rent and doing his chores. But there should be rules about how late he can stay out, etc., so it doesn't bother you.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I don't know. I'm talking to my psychiatrist tomorrow and hope also to get some feedback here on what I should discuss with my son before coming to some agreement. I am guessing he will want to stay until he gets a job so it is undefined, but I don't like that idea at all.

I understand the anxiety. It might take him some time to get a job. Hopefully, he will appreciate that he will have a roof over his head.
I am sorry, I feel a little concerned about coming up with ideas because I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, with the exception of what you shared in the OP. Have you two communicated about your relationship and addressed the concerns? Can you (ideally calmly and gently) discuss mutual concerns and establish some boundaries prior to his visit?

You never know? this visit might even bring you two closer?

[tecomsin]

I appreciate all the feedback and will sleep on it and think everything through carefully. I forgot to mention he's applying for jobs online as a computer science graduate in both US and Canada as he's a dual national and the first interviews are online as well.

About the contract, when I proposed that after he graduated he refused to come home which actually turned out for the best as he went travelling around Europe and Central America before having his teeth knocked out in a bar in remote Guatemala and going to my sister's to get everything fixed and his driver's license too. And he has started applying for jobs he's just terribly alone there without socializing with friends his own age. If it is something I force on him he will react badly to it.

[WhatsNextNow]

Does he have any history of doing anything about his abuse towards you ? I hope you get some good feedback and can present him with clear boundaries and rules, before he might move in.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I appreciate all the feedback and will sleep on it and think everything through carefully. I forgot to mention he's applying for jobs online as a computer science graduate in both US and Canada as he's a dual national and the first interviews are online as well.

About the contract, when I proposed that after he graduated he refused to come home which actually turned out for the best as he went travelling around Europe and Central America before having his teeth knocked out in a bar in remote Guatemala and going to my sister's to get everything fixed and his driver's license too. And he has started applying for jobs he's just terribly alone there without socializing with friends his own age. If it is something I force on him he will react badly to it.

It's your home. You make the rules. Period. If he doesn't like it, he can stay at your sister's. Sometimes you gotta give tough love.

[hvert]

Would it be better to tell him no? I lived at home for too long and after I left my siblings had turns at moving back in. It was a cheaper option financially but in hindsight probably not the best option developmentally.

[Bill3]

I wonder if there would be ways to tweak the arrangements with your sister, as opposed to taking the risks you describe if he comes to live with you.

What if he came to you for weekends only?

[Rose76]

Your sister must be a special kind of person to have opened her home to your son.

It does sound like he could wind up in your basement indefinitely. I don't see how even a written contract could prevent that. How do you evict him, if he hangs around too long doing nothing constructive? Do you say: "Time's up . . . hand in your key . . . there's the door . . . now hit the road." Then - what if he simply declines to leave?" Do you call the cops?

I see you've got a real dillemma.

Hmm, I clicked on this because of the title. I have a teenager who is turning 18 and treats me with no respect. I tried the contract thing. It didn't work. I set rules, it didn't work. He's so big, he forces his way into anything he wants at home, including the wi-fi box, which I had him obey rules about for maybe 2 months. Then, as I need it too, the challenge was how to keep it hidden when he wanted it overnight.

I don't know of any answer for you, except that, I think you said he is 26 or 24, I think he should be responsible enough, from what it sounds like he's been through, to find a place of his own to live.
He's had caring from you, and your sister. Let him find a place of his own, or go to some sort of assistance like welfare, I don't know what you have where you live, and they will get him a shelter or room. Best wishes to you.

[tecomsin]

I appreciate all the feedback. Just to clarify that I live thousands of miles away from my sister, unfortunately.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Nope, not undefined. Set limits. Everyday from 8-5 he's out of the house working on finding a job. He can go to job centers, libraries. He treats you with respect or he's no longer welcome, he starts yelling and that's it. Set the rules and have him sign a contract.

I would agree with this. If you set rules/limits it would work better if you’re as gentle as possible, or he may become defensive.

But if he isn’t open to even talking on the phone with you without being rushed.. maybe not. It’s a difficult dilemma

[FallDuskTrain]

It may be a cultural thing but I cannot believe all the responses with almost no compassion for this kid. He is an 18 year old vulnerable soul... he might have an MI or treating him as someone renting a room (vs blood family which is who he is) might be perceived as neglect and lead to MI... Anyways, i realize that this is my problem. I am stopping reading this thread. It makes me so sad to see how an 18 year old person (basically still lost and vulnerable) is moved from one home to another.... please try to consider what the poor kid is going through.
I am sorry but you all sound very harsh and cold towards this kid.
I am not reading this thread as i realize that it is my issue. But i do have to say that the cold responses made me very sad for this 18 year old

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

It may be a cultural thing but I cannot believe all the responses with almost no compassion for this kid. He is an 18 year old vulnerable soul... anyways, i realize that this is my problem. I am stopping reading this thread. It makes me so sad to see how an 18 year old person (basically still lost and vulnerable) is moved from one home to another.... please try to consider what the poor kid is going through.
I am sorry but you all sound very harsh and cold towards this kid.
I am not reading this thread as i realize that it is my issue. But i do have to say that the cold responses made me very sad for this 18 year old

I agree .... some of the responses have made me sad.

Maybe there is compassion that may not necessarily be shown in the written word. Sometimes..

I can see “both sides” as I’ve “been there” - a young “kid” who wasn’t ...

I think he’s 24?

[tecomsin]

my son is 24 and a college graduate.

[tecomsin]

within the last year my son blocked me on facebook messenger and said he didn't want to ever talk with me again several times. Every now and then his anger at me will bubble up to the surface.

he chose to go away to college, then when he graduated he wanted to come back home but I wanted a contract and he wouldn't agree to that so instead he had money to go travel the world staying in hostels. He had a great time. Then he was injured in Guatemala and we decided it was best for him to go to my sister's because she was in a better position to help him. However he is out in the suburbs with no public transportation and isnt' all that comfortable driving and isn't socializing with people his own age, just family. So he is isolated. If he came back home then he's got friends from high school to hang out with. But I am worried that we won't get along, he will stay indefinitely and he will retreat into video games, basically regress.

Money is not the issue. It's just a matter of being responsible and taking the next steps into becoming an adult. We don't have a good relationship and dealing with him makes me more anxious than I already am.

I also am concerned that I could destabilize while he is here which wouldn't be good for either of us.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

my son is 24 and a college graduate.

Sorry, I missed the part that he is 24.
But to me, it does not make a difference. He still is very young, does not have a job, starting life and he needs support.
I understand your situation as well and I am sorry.

[tecomsin]

so we had a long back and forth that he doesn't want advise from me and i seem to be giving him this advise without realizing it. he once again threatened to block me permanently, which is abusive, but he apologized for that later.

Then after a long back and forth we eventually got to him saying that he was punished as a child for asking for help and I told him it makes sense to me because i had problems all my life asking for help. So that was a breakthrough of sorts. Now I know what a salient issue is that I didn't realize he was dealing with.

So this is what I wrote and am waiting to hear back:

"i have many stressors atm: physical health, mental health, social isolation, legal problems
but i have peace in my home and want to keep it that way
it's really my last refuge
it's the timing of things right now that isn't so great
you are also under some stress as anyone would be looking for a job
so it is good to be around people who are not so stressed out
i can pay for you to stay somewhere else
where would you like to go?"

[tecomsin]

I want to add that I agree with all the posters who said he needs support.

[hvert]

That sounds like a really good solution. I hope he takes you up on it. He needs support but also independence at that age, esp. if the relationship is already tense. You need to feel safe and happy in your own home.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by hvert

That sounds like a really good solution. I hope he takes you up on it. He needs support but also independence at that age, esp. if the relationship is already tense. You need to feel safe and happy in your own home.

Thank you hvert and thanks to all the people who responded to this call for advise. It did help me work out what i was comfortable with. My psychiatrist also agrees it was the best decision. Now it is up to him and he can live with the consequences of his decision. He is unhappy with me every time we talk and I think he would mostly ignore me or be hostile if he were in my house at this time.

He says I am violating his boundaries by giving him advise when he doesn't want advise but I feel that if he is asking me to change my living situation then I can offer him alternative solutions.

He says any advise I offer him or suggestions is triggering for him and that I am responsible for his anxiety disorder because of the way I raised him.

[seesaw]

Okay, well it sounds a little bit like he is being unreasonable. He wants to come stay with you, you are not okay with that, so you offered to help him pay for a place...he honestly should be thanking you, not *****ing at you about offering advice. No matter how much anxiety you gave him from his childhood. (And I speak as a child of physical and emotional abuse who deals with the same situation with my parents.) In fact, it's odd to me that he verbally blames you so much. It sounds a lot like manipulation to me. I mean, I do blame my parents for how their actions affected me, but not to their face, it does not good but to make them feel shame or guilt. He's 24, he's an adult, he's responsible for his own triggers now.

It sounds like a terrible idea for him to stay with you. It sounds like you have trouble dealing with his issues and how the affect your home, and it also sounds like he is very triggered by being around you. Why in the earth would he want to put you both through that? I mean, if my mom offered to pay for my apartment when I was 24, I would have said, thanks, mom, and moved on. Not complained about it. I digress.

Stand your ground. THis relationship is clearly very complex. I don't pretend to know an answer, but he does sound somewhat manipulative to me.

Seesaw