I keep thinking it was me

I don't want to exhaust my support resources on here, and I'm using my offline resources as well--journaling, primarily, so that I can take my journal to my T appointment on Thursday. I also don't want to exhaust my friends (I only have two I can really talk to) though they have been incredibly supportive.

Having BPD, I know that I have trouble regulating my emotions, and I know that, in a relationship, this is tested in an extreme way. I'm very stable, for the most part, when I'm on my own, and pretty happy on my own. But who doesn't want to love and be loved?

And I really wanted him, for so long. It's just that when we got together, our mutual relationship issues seemed to clash. He stonewalled, turned cold, and I crumbled and lashed out and just kept crumbling.

Regardless of what he did to me, I have to admit that I was mean in the end. I went to TN and turned cold myself. He kept saying he wanted me there (though he was already sleeping with someone else) and he was so excited the day I came...and I was not. I was cold. I pushed him away. I visibly hurt him. And maybe I deserved what I got.

I think I'm in the place right now where I'm wondering if I made him turn as cold as he did, and if I pushed him into his meanness and cheating

Hi Gray, never think that you have expended your resources when looking for support. Always seek support in others. Of course be conscious that some friends do need time to live their lives; but supportive friends will be supportive, and these boards are message boards designed to support those going through things. I don't think you posting a lot should be viewed as a burden.

I myself have gone through a lot of tough relationships. I have been emotionally abused many different ways by significant others. Now I notice it early and am able to walk away if I see it. I recently did that with a relationship that you commented on. I did not cheat, but decided it was time to end things. She consistently went after me during and after the relationship. It hurt, but I am understanding of what she went through as a kid and could not regulate herself well.

I think you are justified in your anger towards him cheating. It is one thing to end a relationship and another to cheat. Cheating breaks the fundamental trust we need as human beings. It is mostly the point of no return in the relationship. You can fight, but once someone cheats, things change and that is something that they will have to live with. Breaking up is tough, but cheating is another ball game. I have been cheated in the past and it makes you think that you are not worthy, it makes you doubt the faithfulness in the opposite sex, and harms your views on society -- it sucks.

He told me he did it because I'm a crazy stalker. I didn't stalk him. I think I knew in my gut he was lying to me even after I told him, at the beginning, that if there were someone local who was even a possibility for him, he should either respect me enough to tell me and allow me the choice to decide to stay and date openly, or just let me go. Even after I asked repeatedly and he always told me he wasn't involved with anyone. So I looked around for myself...on Facebook and Instagram. To me, that's not stalking; a woman needs her peace of mind, and if he's not going to give it, then she's going to eventually find it herself.

He has a ton of female friends (a ton of friends, period) but I know his patterns well enough to know when he's suddenly "liking" posts and they're "liking" back, it's flirtation. It's not like, when he posts on Facebook, it's his male friends who are primarily commenting, but I tended to notice a pattern which would stand out which would make my spidey senses tingle. Turned out, I was right.

No one causes anyone to do anything. People are who they are.

Well he certainly didn’t sleep with other women because you are a stalker. That doesn’t cause people to cheat. Plus you were searching way after he actually slept with other women.

I kind of doubt he considered it cheating because he likely didn’t think of it as a relationship or any kind of commitment. He sleeps around because that’s who he is. Not because of what you did.

I don’t think he was hurt that you were cold but his ego certainly got hurt because womem supposed to admire him. People like this get off that kind of stuff.

In that story I told you I actually agreed to go on a date because that guy was acting hurt that I don’t want to even go on one date. Well he was “hurt” I wouldn’t go on a date with him all while he had long term girlfriend. Really?

People like him enjoy admiration of women. He felt good that you are willing to drive 10 hours to see him AND are willing to move to be with him. He was excited about it. Stroke his ego.

He probably looks at it as you pursued him (not saying you did but that’s how he looks at it). When you started to doubt it and had bad gut feelings and were cold, he saw that you might stop pursuing so his ego wasn’t getting a boost so he turned nasty. But you didn’t cause him to get nasty, it’s just probably his reaction to not being worshipped 24/7. And his true nature came out.

All of this is speculation of course but I’ve met ton of men, and have met this type plenty. At the end it doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. All you can
do now is to know that you can recognize red flags better and not get entangled.

He is an ***** and you didn’t cause it

Thank you. That does help. Of course I want to hold on to any little part of it being real just to preserve my own feelings but I’m realizing none of it was.

Well, I don't know the details, but from what you wrote it doesn't seem like you did anything that may have made him turn "cold".. what makes you think you did it?

That's a very long story. There's an old thread I started in this forum "Long Distance Lie" which details it. And also "Slow Truth Bomb." I'd go into the story again but a) it is very long b) people here are probably tired of it and c) I should probably start detaching a little.

I will say that today is hard because I am going in for an STI check, and I absolutely hate that I have to sit in my doctor's office a month and a half after they put in my IUD, and tell them that I want to be tested for STIs because the man who encouraged me when I mentioned the IUD, with whom I thought I'd be in something long term, was sleeping with at least one other woman, probably two or more, and didn't use condoms with any of us. I hate him for putting me in this position, for making me look like a total idiot, not just with this but with the whole thing. It's not something I should be embarrassed about, but it hurts nonetheless.

To me it sounds like you were both pretty bad, so figuring out who was worse or who shouldn't have done what may be a waste of your time at this point. Your partner sounds like someone far from perfect (cold, cheating on you, etc.), so I wouldn't overthink your behavior, except maybe in the context of a new relationship in which hopefully the person will deserve better.

It's not a matter of who was worse and was he worse than me, so am I off the hook. I absolutely know I'm not off the hook for the mean things I said to him, or for choosing to continue with my visit when I knew I didn't really want to, and then being miserable the whole time. The man likely has NPD and, in the week since we explosively ended things and I found out he was cheating (and likely lying to me in 2016 about other women when he was chatting me up, too) I'm struggling with the belief that I caused this behavior. It doesn't matter how much I know about NPD, I'm pushing away thoughts like, "If I'd only not texted him so much (even in good ways), if I'd only not stressed him out, if I'd only done this, if I'd only done that." At this point, I have no idea what I did to cause his behavior, or if I did. And I struggle going forward to trust that someone isn't going to do this to me again if I choose to be in another relationship because what if there was nothing wrong with him except what he told me--bipolar disorder--and I'm just that horrible and hard to live with?

When someone says that I was bad and tells me not to do it again in another relationship, it reinforces everything I'm trying very hard not to believe about myself. I don't believe I'm bad, and I don't believe it was all my fault. Not rationally. But the self-doubt is so insidious.

I did what I could to treat this man the best I could; I'd cared deeply for him for years. I put up with him cutting out on me in 2016 because he had just gone through a tough breakup (likely untrue) and I was still there this fall when he came back. His emotional abandonment and manipulation began...heck, I don't even know when. I was depressed, my self-esteem pretty much gone by the end. Literally none of my emotional needs were being met, but I was doing what I could with an empty vessel to meet all of his. But maybe you're right; the next guy deserves better.

I am not sure if that was supposed to be encouraging or supportive, but I found it to be incredibly insensitive. What about what I deserved out of this relationship? What about the next?

I apologize for upsetting you. I post on the forums in an attempt to reciprocate for the responses I receive when I myself post. I wrote my honest impression after reading what you posted, but I'm new to the forums and perhaps it's more important to just give a supportive answer. You shared that you and he both made mistakes, hence my saying you both made mistakes, although my wording could have been better. I didn't actually write that the next guy deserves better, which would have been a much more judgmental comment. I wrote that I hope the next guy deserves better, i.e. that you find a nicer person for your next relationship. Anyway, it's clear I'm not being helpful in this thread, so I can only apologize and wish you the best of luck.

I'm sorry. I understand you were trying to help. It has been kind of a rough/triggering day; I was at the doc earlier today to get tested and I hadn't fully realized how upsetting it would be to have to explain to her why I wanted to be tested for STIs. She is awesome, and was very empathetic and even called him an a-hole at one point . But it's embarrassing to have to go through this when I'm not the one who made the reckless decisions. I was sleeping with someone I thought cared for and was faithful to me. It was even worse going to the lab and having my HIV, HPV, and HSV labs drawn. I mean, the phlebotomist doesn't know me, but I work for this hospital organization. That, and I'm a nurse; I know that, even when you aren't judging someone you're kinda judging them and sizing them up while ordering that HIV test. Wondering why. It's human nature.

I was matter-of-fact and even chipper when talking to my doctor and phlebotomist, but when I got home I broke down crying. It's just not fair. I've always been so careful when it comes to my health, sex, everything. I hate him for putting me through this. Why do I have to deal with the consequences of his poor decisions??? He's a 46 year old adult for god's sake. He was always yapping about how I had to face the consequences of my actions, and always making sure I did... who is going to make him face the consequences of his??? God, I'm so mad, sad, just... I don't know today.

On a lighter note, the pregnancy test was negative. I mean, I wasn't too worried since I took that precaution upon myself. But can you even imagine.