I need guidance. I met a guy on OkCupid tonight (or rather, we talked on OkC). He's exactly my type. I found out quite soon into the convo that his gf of 6 months broke up w/ him yesterday. He asked me to come over to his house. he even gave me his house number and wanted me to come over tonight. I was like hell no. We were both heavily talking about sex through text. We were supposed to meet tomorrow for coffee and he also wanted me to come over to his house tomorrow, though he said "no pressure." I ended up texting him later tonight saying that it really felt like a revenge date / revenge hookup. It just didn't sit with me well anyway. Like it really didn't sit with me well. Why I had a hard time saying "No," I don't know. But I did have a hard time, and I did say no. He said it wasn't revenge. But whatever. I just need some guidance. Am I doing the right thing? I am doing what feels right for me. Even though it's hard. He CAN'T be over this chick in less than 24 hrs. She dumped him. Not the other way around. I was actually thinking about her too, and how she'd feel. I've been in that position before. I told him I'd meet him in a couple weeks if he was still interested. I don't even know. I need guidance, lol.

[scorpiosis37]

I think talking heavily about sec the day you “meet” someone online is troubling. That’s not a healthy way to begin any kind of lasting relationship. That’s just a booty call. If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s fine. But if you’re interested in a relationship, I recommend refraining from talking about sex at all until after you’ve met in person and established a certain level of interest in one another. Anyone who brings up sexual right away I would red flag and delete.

[divine1966]

Most certainly you are absolutely right and smart not going to men’s houses before you even know them. It’s very presumptuous of him to ask a woman to come to his house the first time she sees him. It’s clearly not appropriate of him to even ask. Smart of you to say no.

I personally would refrain from talking about sex with men I don’t know and never met. If you start dating someone, there will be plenty of time for that.

[kaorikuran]

I think you did well. I would have done the same if I were you. If he is really, truly interested in you as a person, he will respect your decision and wait... But I fear that he was just looking for a hookup. Maybe you've had a hard time saying no because, as you said, he's exactly your type. I have to suggest you to not raise your hopes up, because bringing up sex before even meeting properly in person is a giant red flag.

[MickeyCheeky]

Your feelings are probably right - I think you dodged a bullet there.

[Erebos]

Bringing up sex that soon, that intently doesn't give the impression of someone looking for a long-term thing.
Sounded like rebound talk,.
I wouldn't be comfortable around someone who gave away their details so freely either.
It doesn't speak well of their judgement or their attitude towards responsibility.
As to wether he is over his ex, that's,assuming there is an ex, and that wasn't a very poor pity play. I dunno 6 months is not very long, and it's possible he just wasn't in to her.
His trying to get you to go over to his, again smacks of poor judgement and an inability to see how his actions might look from the outside.
...His behavior reminds me of people when they drink.

If you REALLY like him slow things right down and see how things go from there. Avoid talking about sex, try getting to know more about him.
And if u do meet...make sure it's somewhere public and let someone know where you are going.

Best of luck bp, I hope whatever happens things turn out for the best.

[divine1966]

There might be nothing wrong with casual hook ups if both people are up front about it. But as previous poster said his judgement is clearly off. If you two have never met it is dangerous (for both people) to go to strange people’s houses, what was he thinking? What goes through people’s heads?

I actually recall now similar story. I can relate. I totally forgot about it.

I had a first date once that I thought didn’t go too well meaning we had zero in common besides working in the same field, which I originally thought would be good enough for at least nice conversation. It was a brief lunch time coffee date due to bad timing. I had no intentions to see him again and granted he didn’t ask, which was a relief.

I was totally shocked when he started messaging (I don’t recall now if he was calling or texting or emailing as it was years ago) asking me to come to his house that very night. He sent me his address. When I declined, he kept on it the next day too. Asking me to come to his house in the evening, late evening. And not like saying: come over for a party or I cook dinner. Obviously come over for a hook up. I don’t recall what made him stop asking. I likely just stopped replying.

The most bizarre thing was is that I had no sex or romance talk with him at all neither on the phone nor on that brief date. And I didn’t even show any interest in him, I am not even flirty type whatsoever. Whatever compelled that strange man to assume I’ll go to his house is beyond me. I knew it wouldn’t be dangerous because I knew where he worked so it would be major trouble for him but still why would he think I’d do that???

Same here, do this kind of people think there is a woman who would agree to it? Are they so full of themselves or as previous poster suggests ask such things when drinking?

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by starrysky

He CAN'T be over this chick in less than 24 hrs.

He can if he's a player/user, which may be why he got dumped; so don't go there

Hi. Good morning. Ok I'm skimming through these and haven't read them completely except Scorpiosis's and divine's first one. But a little about last night and my knowledge of that sort of stuff: I know all that. I think that's partly why it felt so off in my gut. Last night I was in quite a weird mood. I still have a UTI, and have a lot of anxiety about the med I'm on for it. Had a reaction to the last one I was on. (I don't know how it relates to this, oh, I guess I'm just feeling not myself, moody, and vulnerable). I think I also...it just felt good for a moment, to talk about sex and the idea of having sex (its been a while for me). In a sense, it was what I needed. Then I came to my senses after. I feel a lot better about saying no today. The dude is completely wanting a booty call because his gf broke up with him. Its too bad he can't see it. Or be honest about it at least. I feel good though. I know I made the right decision for me and I feel relieved.

edit: Ok I'm caught up with replies. Thank you so much everyone. Yes, I was incredibly uncomfortable and feeling huge red flags despite my attraction. Also I'd never ever go to someone's house I didn't know. That's just dangerous and a safety issue.

ps: I thought about maybe getting to know him better. He really does seem to be just on the freaking rebound. But also he could be a player and liar. I don't know. I don't know him. Just what he told me. But I dunno. I'm pretty turned off now by the whole thing. Also its up to him too if he actually wants to get to know me, and I pretty much could care less either way right now.

Hey Starry -- your gut is telling you the right things. He is on the rebound, no doubt. If you are looking for casual hook-ups that's one thing, but if you are looking for something more, I would pass on this one without a second thought. Rebounds won't be meaningful or even real. He needs to get past his ex gf first. There are plenty of others out there, so I would keep looking. Just my two cents!

Thank you everyone for the reality check, validation, and guidance. It is much appreciated!

Ps: In terms of him sharing with me that his gf broke up w/ him yesterday. He didn't just come forth with it. The way he was talking, made me wonder and think something was up. So I asked him if he just got out of a relationship. basically, he'd answer what I asked. Which was a few questions about it. He said he knew it was a red flag.

I don't know why but I feel torn. I mainly don't want to message him. He messaged me earlier this morning and said good morning. I haven't responded. He told me yesterday that his gf broke up w/ him bc she loved him but wasn't in love with him. (that's pretty classic case of becoming disillusioned by a romance that has lost its "newness." People do it all the time). He said he also kind of saw it coming due to the fact that she wasn't as invested in the relationship as he was.

Whoa. Just the things I'm saying. It seems pretty obvious that this is rebound stuff. And red flaggy. I wonder if I feel torn because this is some kind of trigger for me. Not like an I'm upset trigger. But in my past, I have experienced a LOT of....I just didn't know how to respect myself, and I went for guys who....made me feel sad, and for whatever reason weren't suitable for me, but that I was sexually attracted to.

I need to tap out of this. And it feels a little difficult(!!!) due to past patterns. But I'm tapping out.

Would it be better to just not respond? Or to tell him best wishes and bye? I think that if he doesn't say anything else, I will just not respond.

[s4ndm4n2006]

absolutely did the right thing. a day after a break up and you're inviting another lady over to your place? Pfft. besides the fact inviting someone over to your place before even getting to know them is not smart on his part - I assume you weren't talking during his 6 month relationship which would mean you'd talked for all of a day.



you say he's exactly your type of guy but Ill be honest. You cannot know that yet. AT best even if he were truly your "type" his quickness to drop one and get into something with another should give you the heebie jeebies and make you want to run anyway.

Yes, do tap out of this. Whether it's your past speaking or not enough self-respect, now is the time to bolster your self-respect and tell yourself that you deserve and want better (if you want more). This guy wanted a booty call -- ask yourself, is that what you're after? If so, then by all means proceed. But if not and if you are after a real relationship - forget this man. He is not it. He will use you and will most likely hurt you if you want more. He most likely is very hurt by what happened with his gf. A rebound man is never a wise choice, unless you're looking to just hook up. Again, just my two cents because I care!

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

absolutely did the right thing. a day after a break up and you're inviting another lady over to your place? Pfft. besides the fact inviting someone over to your place before even getting to know them is not smart on his part - I assume you weren't talking during his 6 month relationship which would mean you'd talked for all of a day.



you say he's exactly your type of guy but Ill be honest. You cannot know that yet. AT best even if he were truly your "type" his quickness to drop one and get into something with another should give you the heebie jeebies and make you want to run anyway.

Oh my gosh yes. Thank you so much for this. I do have the complete heebie jeebies about him in regard to his ex. It feels completely disrespectful to me, to her (and I don't care that she's the one who broke up w/ him, I've been on that side and being the one to do the break up is just as hard. really felt like revenge thing to me with him).

Thank you. And you may be right. He's not my type if he's going to act that way. When I say he's my type, I guess I mean physically. But yeah, he was talking about his ex yesterday, like she didn't mean anything and that he was over her. I was even telling him that maybe it was still salvageable with her, lol. And he was like, no. But from what it sounds like, like what he'd told me, he was more invested in the relationship that her. Complete bs rebound liar. Even if he's lying to himself, he's lying to me too. Whatever. I'm not messaging that tool again.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes, do tap out of this. Whether it's your past speaking or not enough self-respect, now is the time to bolster your self-respect and tell yourself that you deserve and want better (if you want more). This guy wanted a booty call -- ask yourself, is that what you're after? If so, then by all means proceed. But if not and if you are after a real relationship - forget this man. He is not it. He will use you and will most likely hurt you if you want more. He most likely is very hurt by what happened with his gf. A rebound man is never a wise choice, unless you're looking to just hook up. Again, just my two cents because I care!

Thank you GE. I appreciate this. So, I may have used him a little too. I didn't think of it that way yesterday, but...I was just like, "**** it" I want to cyber with this guy who is totally on the rebound who I just met. That's my choice. But at the same time, it is quite true that I am looking for a real relationship and nothing less. And my emotions get involved, and I do respect myself. And my gut basically won't let me go further, thank god! I just got caught up in the moment. What a pos. Any who, I'm over it. Lol. Weirded out and moving on!

Originally Posted by starrysky

Thank you GE. I appreciate this. So, I may have used him a little too. I didn't think of it that way yesterday, but...I was just like, "**** it" I want to cyber with this guy who is totally on the rebound who I just met. That's my choice. But at the same time, it is quite true that I am looking for a real relationship and nothing less. And my emotions get involved, and I do respect myself. And my gut basically won't let me go further, thank god! I just got caught up in the moment. What a pos. Any who, I'm over it. Lol. Weirded out and moving on!

GOOD for you for seeing that and for knowing that ultimately you want something more/different! There's no harm in what you've done at all. It probably was fun, so perhaps chalk it up to that -- & moving right along!

[seesaw]

Hard pass.