[Razzleberry]

I thought I made myself painfully clear to my husband after we had a huge blowup fight a couple months ago after he completely ignored both Valentine's Day AND our Anniversary. I thought I made it clear to him that I at least want him to do SOMETHING to show that he acknowledges days like that.

No, I didn't ask for a specific gift. No, I didn't want him to spend a lot of money.

But he did ABOSOLUTELY NOTHING for Mother's Day. No card. No flowers. No dinner. No breakfast in bed. NOTHING!!!

In his defense, yes he worked all day today (9-6). But on his way home, he called and asked ME what was for dinner and if he should pick up anything to go WITH it!!!!

And don't tell me he didn't know it was Mother's Day. He works in a friggin grocery store, there are signs EVERYWHERE.

I would have been ecstatically happy if he just got me a card, or even just a little homemade card that he let my daughter color on. Seriously, just something as small as that would have been enough. Just a simple token that he cared enough to do that.

Nope. We had pizza for dinner. And I got nothing else.



On a lighter note, I did have a great Mother's Day with my daughter. I guess I gave myself a gift - or maybe she did know it was a special day, because she was really good today. I took her to the park, played on the swings, took her on a nature walk with the dog and we saw bald eagles and pelicans and everything. It was a perfect day. Then I took her to McD's for lunch so she could play on the playplace. She had so much fun. She even gave me a big hug, and we did puzzles together and read stories together. THAT part of my day was amazing. Just the part after my husband got home from work that was....not so amazing.

[Razzleberry]

Oh...and to clarify...my daughter is only 2-1/2 years old.

I don't necessarily expect husbands to get wives a gift on mother's day if the children are old enough to get a gift for their mother. It's really a day for the kids to get something for mom, not husband to get something for the wife. But my daughter is not old enough yet to do that.

[crazybones]

husbands should give gifts no matter what especially on mommy's day my dad is 45 my mom 32 he still gets her stuff and we kids are all old enough to buy her stuff to but fact is i see were UR coming from your husband should at least show he cares i mean for god sakes ur married what is wrong with this man

[sunrise]

Razzleberry, one of the things that was very hurtful to me in my marriage, was that my husband never once acknowledged me on mother's day. My oldest child is 17 and my H never even said Happy Mother's Day, much less gave me a card. To me it sent the message that he thinks I was a bad mother. Because if they appreciate your efforts at mothering, they would say thank you on this special day. It always hurt me. I tried to model the behavior I would have liked from him by always telling him Happy Father's Day, you are such a good dad to our kids, thank you, preparing a special meal or barbecue, always getting him a card.

We're getting divorced now, so I guess it's just one complaint among many. It makes me sad he thought so little of me and my mothering efforts all those years, even during our better times. Even though I have my flaws, I always thought I was a good mom, but he didn't appreciate even that. C'est la vie.

Razzleberry, I'm sorry your husband did not acknowledge your contribution as a mom. I know how much it hurts.

[ECHOES]

(( Rrazzleberry ))

Can you talk to him when things are calm and explain to him that one if his responsibilities as a dad is to teach your daughter how to appreciate others, how to celebrate life, how to give as well as receive graciously?

Father's Day is next. When your husband is home, prepare to take your daughter shopping and before you leave, you and she tell Daddy with excitement that you two are going out to buy (or going off to another room to make) something just for Daddy! That is, rather that do this while he's at work or out, do this when he's home so he see's how it's done and how it's about your daughter learning to think about others.

Make a kit with a list of things that would be meaningful to you, like a home made card, a framed picture colored by your daughter, her handprints in plaster of paris, etc. Then he'll have "directions" on how to do this for you....you know how men will not ask for directions

It sounds like he needs demos as well as instructions on this one. Keep working at it and talking about it

[ECHOES]

** deleted duplicate post **

ECHOES

[50guy]

I don't want to sound mean or uncaring but, I don't give my wife anything on Mother's day. She is not my Mother and my Mother is alive. She is the Mother of my children and I make sure they give her something. I acknowledge the day to her and wish her happiness and thank her for raising my kids right. I don't take her out or give her a card. I have a Mother to do that with. When the kids were younger, I asked them what they wanted to do for the day. Most times it was out somewhere.

I think the commercialization of Mother's Day is a sad thing. Instead of a day to honor Mom's across the country, big business has created in the minds of consumers that everyone should buy a Mom something no matter how distant the relationship is. I protest. If you're not my Mother, don't expect anything.

Have a great day.

[KathyM]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
50guy said:
I think the commercialization of Mother's Day is a sad thing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
50guy - I am SO with you on that one. The last thing I want on Mother's Day (or Valentines) is a store-bought gift or "brunch" at a local restaurant. It feels like forced love. I always cherished those gifts my son made for me at school when he was little, but what I really want is for him to SHOW me how much he cares - every day. I can't be bought. He can show me by proving to me he's learned what I've taught him. It also feels weird for someone who's not my child to tell me "Happy Mother's Day."

Razzleberry - Considering your daughter's age, I agree it was very rude of him not to acknowledge you on Mother's Day. My sister had that problem with her husband, and it never improved. He just wasn't the romantic type, even when she spelled out for him what she wanted from him the next year. Then again, she never bent over backwards to please him either. There were times during the early years when I'd see him make an awkward attempt, only to have her push him away. She was more concerned with maintaining their home, schedule, and standing in their community.

Over time, their love life died and their marriage became more like a business relationship, staying together just to raise their son. When their son was in college, my sister found out her husband was seeing someone else. They attended marriage counseling, but he asked for a divorce and married the other woman. His reason for leaving was because he never felt any love or affection from my sister.

I always wondered if my sister would have gushed a little more over her husband, he might have returned the favor. Maybe if HE felt needed, not just his money or what he could do for her around the house, he might have stayed.

If it were me, I'd let it go - but I'd treat my husband like a king on Father's Day. He might get the hint, but he probably won't. It also wouldn't hurt for you to do something special for him on a regular day, just because, to show him how much you love him.

If your husband is anything like my ex-BIL, it's possible he's feeling used and withholding affection is his only weapon of defense.

If he's not like my ex-BIL, disregard this message. I'm sorry to hear your Mother's Day sucked - glad you had a good time with your daughter though!

[sunrise]

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50guy said:
She is the Mother of my children and I make sure they give her something. I acknowledge the day to her and wish her happiness and thank her for raising my kids right.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">50guy, I'm sure your wife appreciates that. You sound very considerate and loving. That's really all I wanted from my H, not a gift, just a "Happy Mother's Day, Sunny" and it would have been a wonderful bonus if he made sure the kids acknowledged me, but he never did. I guess I shouldn't feel so sad about it because every other day of the year he never acknowledged my contributions or ever gave a word of appreciation or anything, so it was unreasonable of me to expect that maybe on the special day for Moms, just one day out of the year, he could bring himself to say one word of thanks--just a light and breezy "Happy Mom's Day" in passing would have meant so much. I didn't want gifts or expense or commercialism or anything. That's not me. Being the mother of his kids meant so much to me. I wish it had meant something to him.

ECHOES, that is such a good point about the importance of modeling for the kids the value of thinking of others and expressing appreciation.

[50guy]

Sunny,
I understand. Indifference toward a person sends a loud message.

[wounded1]

My husband and I are separated at the moment, and even he took the time to send me an e-card from our kids (4, 2 and here in 3 weeks!). He also made a point of thanking me for things that go unnoticed, by the kids and "as a wife".

I think we need to hear from our spouses that they think we are good parents. Especially when the kids are going through a bad "phase", or you're having a difficult time with them, it's nice to hear that you're doing OK in your parenting choices.

I'm sorry Razzleberry, what your hubby "didn't do" is inconsiderate. I think you shouls tell him again how you feel. Tell him that although it might not be an important day to him, it is to you.

And 50guy, and KathyM, I respect your opinions, but are you sure it's the way the people in your life feel about it? Isn't that one of the things love is about, doing something totally for another person, soley for their benefit or enjoyment, no matter how you feel about it? Or letting someone make a big deal about something that you may not feel is important, just because they get enjoyment from it?

Just a thought...

[ECHOES]

I think the post was originally about Razzleberry's needs getting met rather than whether they are valid.

[KathyM]

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wounded1 said:
and KathyM, I respect your opinions, but are you sure it's the way the people in your life feel about it? Isn't that one of the things love is about, doing something totally for another person, soley for their benefit or enjoyment, no matter how you feel about it? Or letting someone make a big deal about something that you may not feel is important, just because they get enjoyment from it?

Just a thought...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Wounded

Oh yeah, wounded, that's one of the lessons I taught my son. Just because I don't care for gifts/holidays doesn't mean that the future women in his life would feel the same as me. For most women, holidays are a big deal.

My son called me from the base to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. He already knows, but I made a point of letting him know how much I appreciated his call. My gift - his hug - will have to wait until he comes home. He leaves for Iraq next week.

My husband is a "giver" by nature, so I also make a point to acknowledge the extra things he does for me on holidays.

I participate in the holiday - I just think it's a little silly. I'll be sure to treat my husband like a king on Father's day.

[50guy]

Yes, I am sure.

[KathyM]

Razzleberry

Sorry - I didn't mean to take your thread off track. I was just trying to think of a reason why he would be so inconsiderate. It's definitely not the way a man should treat his wife and mother of his child.

[Razzleberry]

Oh, it's ok. And in some ways I really agree with you on the over-commercialization of holidays like Mother's Day.

But like I said originally - I don't want a huge gift, or even anything slightly expensive. ALL I really wanted was for him to acknowledge the day, say "Happy Mother's Day" to me, and MAYBE get me a small card or some kind of craft made by my daughter.

I don't want a diamond necklace...just a little something to show that he remembered the day and was thinking about me.

I suppose I could have asked him for flowers. But to me, asking for flowers just defeats the purpose. I don't want the flowers - I want the thought that goes into buying the flowers. Does that make any sense at all? If I wanted flowers so bad, I could go to the store and buy some myself.

[sarahlilianne]

((((((((((( Razzleberry))))))))))))))

My husband does not acknowledge me on Mother's Day & we only exchange cards on birthdays--mostly just "homemade" ones. I'm with whoever said it is over-commercialized. Don't you feel like a pawn of Hallmark or something to feel you must celebrate these artificial holidays?

It's nice to be acknowledged for your contribution to the family, but I actually do prefer just the day-to-day expression of his love & commitment--like he comes home to me (not always a fun time, there) & supports me with no complaints. We have some good laughs about our lives. That's enough for me.-Suzy

[Doh2007]

Back on Saturday you said you don't love your husband and are thinking of leaving him. Don't you think that may have something to do with this?

[Razzleberry]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Doh2007 said:
Back on Saturday you said you don't love your husband and are thinking of leaving him. Don't you think that may have something to do with this?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well, what I'm saying is, this is just yet another example that he maybe no longer loves ME...and yeah, I'm still wondering if I really love him or not. I think I do but sometimes I just don't know anymore.

I guess this is just another realization that I really don't know what the heck I am doing. We're building a house, talking about another child, yet I'm still thinking of a divorce and cheating on him.

We don't fight, but we are more like brother & sister or roomates than we are husband & wife. The love is gone.

Maybe I just expect too much from him. I don't know. I know I've put him thru a lot of grief over the years, and the mere fact that he's still with me has to mean something, right? Maybe there is still something left to rekindle. I don't know anymore.

[wounded1]

((((((((((((((Razzleberry)))))))))))))

Can you try counselling? Even for yourself? Maybe it would help you decide if the relationship is right for you? Maybe it could show you how to ask the questions it seems you need the answers to?

My heart breaks for you, as I am going through a similar situation and know how hard an uncertain future is. When I got married, I believed I had found my soulmate, and that we would grow old and die together. To know now that it may not (probably won't) be possible is tearing me apart.

I wish you lots of love...from inside and out!

[Razzleberry]

I am seeing a therapist and pdoc for my own issues. And I will consider marital counseling eventually - for now, I think we need to just work on me.

I realize that my illness is probably - ok definitely - a major reason for our marital problems. This would be another area where I think Borderline fits me - the extreme idealization and devaluation. Some days I love him more than anything in the world, like when he does something unexpectedly nice for me or says something nice to me. But then other days I hate him, and I'm planning our divorce. There's really no in-between for me.

But then I keep thinking, if I really loved him, why would I choose to cheat on him? While the illness may have caused the impulsivity that allowed me to make that choice...it was still a choice. I am still accountable. I feel bad for how I treated my husband but yet I did it again and again. It's no wonder he doesn't want me, right?

We never should have got married in the first place, but back before my daughter was born, I was too chicken to actually leave. I think I was just afraid of being alone (fear of abandonment?!) and I thought no one else would want me, so he was as "good as it gets" for me. Now we have a child, and I really want the best for her. If that means sacrificing my intimacy so she can have two loving parents, then that's what I have to do.

We do get along. We rarely fight, and I make a point not to raise my voice with our daughter awake. We have fun together as a family - all three of us. Seriously, the only thing missing is the intimacy. He never even hugs me, holds my hand, any of that anymore. I try to cuddle with him and he'll put a bag of chips on the sofa between us. I try to get him to come to bed early and he says "just one more episode" of Law & Order reruns but then he's up till midnight and I fall asleep.

I keep blaming it on my weight, but I'm finally starting to accept that I can be sexy even at 180 pounds. He just doesn't seem to see that. I hope I can lose more, but it's hard.

I think I just want to live in a fairy tale. Shrek, in particular. That part at the end of the first Shrek - when she was supposed to be changed into a princess, but she was still an ogre. She says "but I'm supposed to be beautiful" and Shrek says "But you ARE beautiful!" That's what I want. I want my husband to love me for ME, regardless of my weight. And if he doesn't love me, I want him to tell me so I can quit feeling so rejected and confused and unwanted.

Talking to myself here...sorry for rambling so long.

[50guy]

Raz,
Did he ever say he dosen't love you? My DW is not a loving, cuddly person person either, I am. She has been this way for 35 years. I married her and I knew she was that way. Ha, silly me, I thought I could change her....NOPE. No change in 35 years. She is a good lover. Takes a while to get her going but, when she does....wow. I tell her when it has been a long time to look out because I'm about ready to jump ya. She is a good sport about it and I have come to accept that this is the way she is.

If your husband loves you then perhaps you should learn to accept him the way he is. There was something that attracted you to him. Try to recapture that.

Good luck,

[Doh2007]

I just wanted to add that love isn't something that happens to you; love is a choice. And marriages take work, a lot of work. Try spending as much time on being loving as you do thinking about divorce. When you think about cheating, put your husband's face on the good feelings. Make this work. Divorce is not a solution to a relationship problem. Relating is.

[happysappy]

Sunny,

I am glad you still got to enjoy the day with your daughter. You husband could have done something with her to give you a homemade card, she isn't too young to know what a gift is. But it isn't so much the gift, as it is the appreciation your husband should show himself and through your daughter.
Being a good mom is so hard, and just a thank you and an acknowledgment, would go a long way.
Just a question, does he do anything for his mother?

My husband's brother's family don't do anything either for their mom either, and now that the kids have their own families, I hear they don't show the appreciation either to their wifes. My husband helps our kids celebrate and we don't even have a good marriage.