(Rant) Tired of being single

So, this is nothing more than a rant to blow off some steam and might not accomplish much, but I’m going to do it anyway. There might not be anything anyone can say in response to this (aside from common clichés, and that’s ok), but I want to rant anyway to get this off my chest.

I’m fed up with being single (there, I’ve said it). Depending on how you look at it, I’ve been single for 2-3 years. Ok, I’ve been out on a few dates in that time, but none that have lasted for very long (and no one with whom I’ve felt a proper connection), so I don’t really feel like I’ve stopped being single during that time. Most of the time it’s fine and I just go about my life. Sometimes though, it gets me down. It’s a huge cliché, but I seem to see couples in so much of what I do (i.e. in my day-to-day life) – everyone on my team at work (apart from me) is married/in a long-term relationship, a lot of my close friends are in (long-term) relationships, so many people I know through hobbies/social clubs are in relationships, even just walking down the street/through the park, I seem to see couples all of the time, and it gets me down. To be clear, I don’t have anything against these people; in fact, I’m happy for them. It just really grates on me that I’m not in their position.

Perhaps what annoys me is that I don’t know whether there’s much more I can do, apart from just wait. Obviously what I do isn’t perfect, otherwise I probably wouldn’t be single, but I’m not sure what else I could be doing. What I mean by this is that I try to follow various bits of advice I’ve read/been given – I try to look after myself (physically and emotionally), I exercise, I try to eat healthily, I try to do things I enjoy, I try to get enough sleep, I go out and socialise with my friends, I socialise with different groups of people, I stay in touch with old friends and try to meet new people as well etc. To be clear, I do these things because I enjoy them and/or because they’re good, fun, or beneficial to me

I’m (only) in my 20s and I know that, if I just wait and relax about this, things will be ok. I’m just sick of waiting (not that that makes a difference). I realise that the more I want to meet someone the less likely that is to happen, but I’ve tried for the past few years to focus on not wanting a relationship and concentrate on other things, which hasn’t done me much good, so why do I bother? Also, before anyone says, I know that being in a relationship won’t magically and instantly solve any other problems I might have, and that not everyone who is in a relationship is happy all the time. (There are probably many more relationship clichés I could fire off here as well, but I don’t want to get bogged down in them) Being single affords you more freedom and, yes, that is good sometimes, but is it so bad to want another person in your life?

As I say, this is mainly just a rant, as I feel some of this has been building for a while and I wanted to get this off my chest before it makes me any more stressed. If anyone has any nuggets of wisdom they’d like to share, please, be my guest. (I could have written more, but I didn't want to bore people/go on too many tangents.) Otherwise, thank you for indulging my rant.

Idk what to say honestly. I’ve been single for about 9 years now. I’m the last choice in anything. I’m a good person (unlike the ones these days that are just interested in sex only) i listen as much as possible, heck i even have a stable job (again unlike the ones these days that are to lazy to get up and go to work). I just figured it would be this way. the main problem I have is that holding the relationship together falls on my shoulders as the other party doesnt want to put in half the work and i keep running into those who say they will contribute but dont, they just want to go into my pockets and waste my time. so i’m right with you on the jealousy part of those happy couples almost to a point were inside i wish they would split up or become unhappy. mean of me i know but i’m human and those thoughts do plague me

Ok....aftee a 33 year bad marriage....& 11 years separated before I am finally getting my divorce.....being single is pretty peaceful.......

BUT.....even at 65.....IF the absolute right person were to come along I could POSSIBLY be convinced that being married MIGHT be ok. I do see others my age who have happy marriages....but I see a lot of people who are miserable in their marrisges & just tolerating them for financial reasons like I did for way too long. I would rather be single tgan relive that again.

Most of my friends at my age are either divorced or widowed (male & female) so we do just a lot of stuff singally together ehich I enjoy (no pressure)....but I agree, the idea of having someone right to share life with would be nice though I never invision that ever happening.

But even at my age I understand what you are feeling

Well, thank you for responding. I can honestly say that a) having written something (and then sent it), and b) getting some sleep afterwards has done me some good and I feel a little better. I think it was a long few days at work and just feeling very worn out that “pushed” me to the point where I just needed a bit of a rant. Maybe writing something will have the done the same for you. Feeling a little less negative about everything now, I want to help and offer advice, but I’m aware I’m not an expert in any way, shape or form, and that I may be either giving advice you’ve heard before or spouting clichés, but I can write stuff anyway and, if you want to ignore it all, you can.

Being envious of couples/people in relationships is unlikely to do any good. I’ve done my share of being bitter about other couples (sometimes purely because they’re a couple) and it just seemed to leave me feeling worse off. What annoys me about some people in relationships is when they’re sickeningly in your face about it. Note: Not all couples, just those who feel the need to be by each other’s side all the time. I mean, I’m happy for you and it’s good that you’re happy to together, but you don’t need to mention them all the time, you ARE capable of going places without them and you don’t have to be all over each other in public (you’re not teenagers)! That aside, I guess we all just have to tolerate it. If we want what they have, one day we might be like those people. Maybe we like to think we won’t be as bad as the people we see, but we just don’t know.

We have to make sure we don’t fall into the trap of thinking that we are in some way “owed” something, because we consider ourselves to be good people. Being solely interested in sex doesn’t necessarily make someone a bad person (just like not being all about sex doesn’t make someone a good person). It just depends how honest people are about it. If people are up-front that they just want a sexual relationship, I don’t see any problem there – if it’s what both people want. Obviously if people lie about being interested in others when they only want sex, that’s different, not appropriate behaviour and I certainly wouldn’t approve of it. Everyone needs honesty. We’re all after different things and we have to try and find someone who best matches what we need. I’m not remotely interested in a purely sexual relationship, so I don’t go looking for such things. You shouldn’t be forced to be the only person doing something in a relationship either. If the other person isn’t doing anything, or doesn’t want to do anything, to help the relationship, then you shouldn’t be with them. Relationships rely on compromise, so it’s give and take with both parties. If they aren’t respecting you cut them loose.

I suppose this is what was frustrating me when I first wrote my post. Sometimes you can follow all of the advice people give you, do everything right and still not get anywhere. When that happens, you have to just shrug it off, no matter how many times it happens. That’s just the way life is and life isn’t always fair. If we’re convinced we’re not doing anything wrong we just have to stick with our choices and things should work out in the end. Otherwise we can examine ourselves and our actions, and look to see whether we need to change anything in order to better improve ourselves and our situations.

You make some interesting points. However, let’s be clear, if my choice is to either remain single, or get into a relationship where I know I’ll be unhappy, I’ll obviously stay single (that’s a no brainer). I’m not going to get with someone unsuitable for me *just* for the sake of being with someone else. There has to be a future in it. That’s another reason why I’ve been single for so long – because I would rather be a bit lonely than subject myself to an unhappy situation. But is hoping to meet someone and be happy so unreasonable?

Just to clarify.....we don't consciously know the relationship is going to be bad when getting into ut. I thought through & rationalized that it couldn't possible end up like my parents because of the differences. I thought even with the issues I was having that they would iron out in the marriage. Also because of the normals we sometimes grow up with those red flags we see looking back on them were just normal functional problems that people explain away be "that's JUST how guys (or gals) are"

I stated in my original response that hoping to meet someone & be happy is NOT unreasonable. I even stated that if the right person even at my age showed up I could be convinced to go for it again no matter how bad my first marriage was. If the connection (which I have now learned to recognize) is there, the happiness of being with the right person is worth it.....otherwise I will stay single & continue to take care of myself.

Hi. First of all, let me apologise for 2 things. First of all, it has been a very busy weekend, so I apologise for only answering you now. Secondly, I was replying to your previous message in a bit of a rush before heading to work, so I’m sorry for not taking the time to properly read what you had written and respond to it more accurately. Having read your messages again, I can definitely see your point of view and can understand a lot of what you say. I think I hold some similar views to you, albeit without as much personal experience.

I suppose, I just feel uncertain of where I am and what I can do. I dislike being single, but I also don’t want to get involved with someone when there’s no connection, or if it’s just going to make me unhappy. I’m not the kind of person who’ll have a purely physical relationship (friends with benefits) and I’m not someone who enjoys one-night-stands, so that’s not something I’d want to do either. It’s been so long since I’ve felt something for someone in a romantic way that now I’m not sure, when I meet someone (or spend an extended period of time with them), whether the fact I don’t feel anything for them is because there’s no chemistry, or because I just haven't been feeling anything for anyone for a long time. Aside from waiting, which I feel I’ve been doing for the past few years anyway, what else can I do?

More later but a quick observation for now. Those who say they only want sex really want a relationship, and those who say they want a relationship really want sex.

DapperChapper.....how are you at just connecting with friends? This may seem like a crazy question.....but for me having grown up wuth parents who were incapable of emotionally connecting with anyone ( not just themselves or me) I always wondered if relationships were all so much just surface level because I noticed even other friendships thatvseemed to be so much more of a connection than I ever felt. Then the guy I married was just like my parents so I thought that was normal.

The point however is that when I was finally away (my parents had died & I finally left my H) I was finally able to feel a connection. Go figure..It actually started with feeling the special heart connect I have with one of my dogs....he connected with me just after he was born. I realized it was different than with my other dogs. I recognized a special feeling inside. Then I started connecting with my new friends. I realize their connections were normal I just had never experienced connecting with people like that ever before in my life.....so now I know I can actually connect with people.....so now if a special guy ever does come along I know what a normal connection feels like that needs to be there for the foundation of ALL relationships. Then if I also feel like there is a mutual romantic feeling for each other.....then it is something I might persue given there is a huge level of compatibility & common interest too.

I think one can tell if very observant & analytical along with being sensitive to the emotions of both. Ling term romantic relationships need to be both logical & emotional in order for healthy growth. I think you will know when the right person ends up in your life

What do you mean by that? Do you mean, am I good at making friends/meeting people, or how do I connect with people once I’ve got to know them? I don’t know if I should say much more at this point. I don’t want to project too much if I’ve misunderstood and end up going in the wrong direction. Once I know I'll happily answer.

Yes, basically connecting once you know them. I knew people basically as acquaintances even though friends but it was all surface level. There was no real connection. I thought that was normal because that was what I was around all my life & that translated into thinking it was normal in my marriage.

I realize that it wasn't normal & I think now that I am learning to really connect to others.....it was the walls I had also built up that my first good T thought she would never be able to break through. For me it was a combination of both walls & not knowing how to connect with others.

I hsve come to realize that connectikn is really importsnt in nit only friendship relationships but definitely in romantic ones. It is the foundation of relatiknships that are more than acquaintances.

At this point in my life, I just take things day by day. A bad marriage will ruin your life. It is better to be single. I, like eskie, am married for mostly financial reasons, and he would refuse to divorce me, anyway.

First of all, sorry for not replying to these sooner. I've had a manic couple of weeks and just didn't have time to sit down and write my responses, no matter how much I wanted to. As for my answers to your questions, I'm not sure... I mean, I have friends, but I don't know if I make friends easily, possibly just because things like small talk don't come to me easily and I'm not usually at my best in social situations. I'll still do my best to engage with people, but I'm very aware that I'm not one of those people who can communicate effortlessly with people I've never met in a casual situation.

Like a lot of people, I have some "acquaintances" (i.e. “not close” friends) who I might see frequently and we might chat, but it doesn't go beyond basic pleasantries. I have very few close friends, with whom I feel comfortable sharing details about my life beyond normal, casual gossip. I don’t especially mind that – having one or two people, with whom you can be honest, is, in my opinion, better than having many friends, but being unable to be honest with them. I have also had that feeling before of just "clicking" with someone when you meet them for the first time, as I experienced with a good friend when I met them about a year ago (and we became very close friends pretty much straightaway). That almost never happens with me though, so I'm almost not sure how to react when it does. So, does this mean I haven’t met any good people? Am I not good at emotionally connecting to people? Is there anything I can do about this? I’m not sure what conclusion I should draw here.

I suppose what frustrates me is a) knowing I’m going to have to wait an indeterminate amount of time to *maybe* meet someone, b) somehow know when that is when it’s happening, c) not know how to process what I’m feeling (or not feeling) in the meantime. Obviously I just carry on with my life (as I’ve been doing for the last few weeks), because there’s no other choice, but it’s so tedious. I’ve tried my best to analyse myself to work out how I can better improve myself and my situation, but there’s only so much examination you can do before you hit a (metaphorical) brick wall and not know where to go next.

I’m certainly never going to begin a relationship with someone I don’t feel anything towards, because, if nothing else, I know it’s not going to end well for me. The alternative of staying alone, while better than being unhappy with someone else, still isn’t great. I guess I could just do with part of my life making sense. I’ve felt somewhat aimless recently – I go to work and do my hobbies, but I don’t have much in the way of “special projects” to keep me busy (something (new) that interests and excites me). I’ve been so exhausted recently as well, which doesn’t help my outlook on things. As well as that, I just don’t have anyone I can talk to (in person) about this, and it takes me ages to type out my thoughts, so the whole process just feels incredibly slow (although at least I’m moving (hopefully in the right direction)).

I don’t know whether this is the kind of response you were expecting and it feels a little anticlimactic that, after the long delay, this is all I’ve managed to produce. I find it difficult to articulate how exactly I feel about a lot of this.