[Rose76]

He has this habit of watching me about to do something and then saying "You ought to get going on that." Some instances are silly, little things. If I walk over to the wall to flick the light switch off, he'll say, "Yeah, turn that light off." Or I might be going to lock the front door in the evening and he'll say, "Yeah, lock that door." The implication always seems to be: "It's about time you did that."

I am behind in housework, but yesterday I got rocking and expected to catch up. I was just finishing cleaning the bathroom. Perspiration was rolling down my face, and I was almost finished cleaning the floor, when he said, "Look at the clutter on this table." It made me so mad.

Once I get started, I do a good job of most things. Once I get some momentum, I tend to surprise myself at how much I can get done. I keep his place cleaner than he ever did before he got sick. The nudging is what really makes me nuts. I could be in the middle of washing windows, and he will say, "The carpet needs vacuuming." But, if I was lounging around being lazy, he'ld say nothing. Only when I've started to make a real effort and am making good progress, he'll say "What about this and what about that and when you gonna do this and when you gonna do that?" It makes me crazy. Suddenly I want to kill him.

But I don't kill him, and, as they say, anger turned inward becomes depression. I become demoralized and depressed. Usually I say something like "Why do you have to complain that things need attention, right when I've started to really try? It is discouraging to hear that, right when I've started tackling tasks." Then he'll say "I was just kidding." That really gets me berserk.

Anytime he says anything thoughtless and I call him on it, He ALWAYS says, "I was just kidding." Every. Single. Solitary. Time. That only makes things worse. Then he'll say, "Okay, I didn't know that bothered you. I'll never say it again." But Nothing. Changes. Ever. I can scream, beg, plead, threaten, sob. He will do this to me over and over. Then he calms down and resumes watching TV, while I lose what vestiges of sanity I might otherwise have been holding on to.

Am I crazy? I'll admit that I think I am.

This might all sound kind of petty and insignificant. In life I think it is these little things that ruin relationships.

So I've been depressed all day today because of him doing this to me yesterday. Sensible people might say I'm doing this to myself. I guess I am. But I fight my way up from depression all the time. When I manage to do that and I'm working on some project and am being productive and feel happy and, then, he tosses a little monkey wrench in, and I fall back into the trough.

A lot of this is my own weakness. I guess you're just not supposed to let things others say get to you. I hate that I'm this vulnerable.

Now I have to claw my way up out of this trough. What's wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you and you're not crazy for feeling the way you do. I would go insane. Why are you with him and why don't you leave him? I don't know the backstory, but I imagine if he's sick that's why you're afraid to leave. But why put up with this kind of treatment and behavior? Sounds like no matter what you say or how you react it doesn't change. I wouldn't be able to deal with that for one second longer, myself.

[downandlonely]

I was going to make the same suggestion, but I have always been single and am pretty anti-relationship. So I always suggest people break up.

[unaluna]

Meaning of "bust on somebody" - English Language & Usage Stack Exchange

This was my mothers favorite thing to do. It was a thing in her family growing up, because when my uncles and cousins visited, they often used the italian expression in the above quote. My mothers sister did it too. When i was around my family, i did it. Maybe not to the extent of, turn on that light. But just the attitude. Its definitely not an attitude of cooperation. I would try replying, "oh youre only saying that cuz you love me!" - just to annoy him back.

[Rose76]

I'm not mad enough to leave him. This is more of a pet peeve. A lot of the time I am happy in his company. A lot of the problem here I'd that I react to this out of all proportion to what is reasonable. I end up depressed.

Besides, he'll be leaving me soon enough. He's terminally ill. In May the doctors didn't think he had two months. I guess his cancer treatment is helping beyond what was hoped. He is in some kind of remission. He's pretty content and in no pain. Maybe his wellness reflects the care I take of him. But it won't last. Maybe he'll be here for Christmas. I think he will. He doesn't get depressed. He finds a funny sitcom on TV, relaxes and chuckles. His attitude is admirable.

Sometimes a person just wants to whine. I'm not asking for a solution. It's just a little thing. He can be so positive in the face of awful hard things. But he can get negative toward me about a pile of unopened mail on the table that annoys him.

He doesn't understand anything about depression . . . and I do mean nothing. When he drank heavily, I went to Al-Anon and bought books there to try and understand. Then, with every illness he's been through, I've researched to understand how best to help him. I'm pretty healthy. But I have chronically recurring episodes of depression. Never tried to seriously harm myself. Episodes don't last all that long, and I'm pretty chipper in between. I attend to my responsibilities. I always have. But I could use him being in my corner when I get into a tailspin. I deserve that. He doesn't try. He figures the best thing is to ignore my problem.

We're together a very long time. People have their blind spots, and basic traits don't change. I expect this is just how it will be. He never feels sorry for himself. Right now I've got all this self-pity. I better get supper ready.

I understand, however your thread title is "my boyfriend demoralizes me". It sounds like an unhealthy situation, regardless. When your partner does things that then make you feel depressed, that is not a relationship that promotes positive mental health. A good, healthy relationship should never make one depressed.

I am very happy in my relationship all the time. Sure, we have our moments where we've disagreed and/or have had an argument, but I never feel depressed as a result of how he treats me, and I never feel demoralized.

[Rose76]

What you've been experiencing sounds great. But as years go by, you may find challenges you don't expect now.

I feel like you're giving up your whole life for him. You forgive him easily. You are hard on yourself. You do everything for him, so it seems completely understandable to expect a little support and understanding from him. I don't think it is impossible for him to understand depression or how hard things are for you. It's up to you though if you want to stick this out to the end. Otherwise I'd say put him in a nursing home and start making more out of your own life. Either way you'll be alone and you should build some kind of support for you and how different life will be once he's gone.

Originally Posted by Rose76

What you've been experiencing sounds great. But as years go by, you may find challenges you don't expect now.

I'm sure we will face challenges ahead, I have no doubt of that because life is challenging and can throw curve calls. But he respects me fully and would never treat me poorly. This I know.

[healingme4me]

I like Unaluna's suggestion for how to handle the criticisms as he is clearly "busting on you."
You sound like me somedays just trying to get it together to tackle housework. Given my own time and space, no problem. I realized that my rhythm for getting things done never matched my exhusband's expectations. I'm at a point in life now that any timeline comment would get a mouthful from me. I'd probably say, Nice of you to notice or that's 3 spots down on my todo list but thanks for the feedback. With my sons lately if I'll toss in an Anything Else Your Highness to remind of any line crossed...

Has he always been this way? People aren’t always themselves when they are terminally ill and have taken a turn for the worst. It sounds like you’re very unhappy. I cannot tell if it’s the illness or the relationship itself getting you down the most... it sounds quite complicated and I hope you have someone to turn to for support.

[divine1966]

Unless you are a hired employee and he pays your living wages, he has no business telling you that you must vacuum or declutter. He isn’t your employer.

If you want to do things, you do them but it’s not something you must do or he has any kind of special rights to order you around.

My mother is terminally ill yet she is not ordering us around! And it’s our mother! Not a boyfriend!

I don’t see why him being ill or you having depression is any kind of reason or an excuse for him to be nasty and for you to endure it. I do understand having hardships and so on but what you endure with this man isn’t typical normal hard times that couples endure. It’s quite extreme.

Relationship even in hardest moment doesn’t suppose to be like this. You seem to believe that people should endure this. They could if they choose so but
they don’t have to. I also don’t understand why you think people shouldn’t get upset when others say things he says. I can’t imagine people being ok with such treatment

And lastly anyone would get depressed being threated this way. I am not surprised you feel depressed. I am upset on your behalf simply reading about this man treating you like crap for years! I can’t imagine what living this way does to you. I am in fact angry thinking that someone thinks it’s ok to treat a girlfriend like a maid. I don’t care how sick he is.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Has he always been this way? People aren’t always themselves when they are terminally ill and have taken a turn for the worst. It sounds like you’re very unhappy. I cannot tell if it’s the illness or the relationship itself getting you down the most... it sounds quite complicated and I hope you have someone to turn to for support.

He's always been this way. That's why we have separate apartments. I am staying at his place a lot, or he'ld have to be in a nursing home.

He handles being ill with real bravery. Never complains about his limitations. Told me tonight he didn't mean to sound critical. He can be stupid at times.

This was never, ever a nice healthy relationship. Having him in my life was better than not having him in it. I love him. I believe he loves me.

At times I am very unhappy. Too often. But I am content a lot too. It is complicated. I am prone to mood swings. Other than each other, there isn't much support for either of us. I have a friend I meet with now and then. Our families are far away.

I do well for intervals. Then I have tailspin. This has been a bad one. It would be silly to say that this is all because he made a thoughtless remark. I'm always poised to fall off the edge.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Unless you are a hired employee and he pays your living wages, he has no business telling you that you must vacuum or declutter. He isn’t your employer.

If you want to do things, you do them but it’s not something you must do or he has any kind of special rights to order you around.

My mother is terminally ill yet she is not ordering us around! And it’s our mother! Not a boyfriend!

I don’t see why him being ill or you having depression is any kind of reason or an excuse for him to be nasty and for you to endure it. I do understand having hardships and so on but what you endure with this man isn’t typical normal hard times that couples endure. It’s quite extreme.

Relationship even in hardest moment doesn’t suppose to be like this. You seem to believe that people should endure this. They could if they choose so but
they don’t have to. I also don’t understand why you think people shouldn’t get upset when others say things he says. I can’t imagine people being ok with such treatment

And lastly anyone would get depressed being threated this way. I am not surprised you feel depressed. I am upset on your behalf simply reading about this man treating you like crap for years! I can’t imagine what living this way does to you. I am in fact angry thinking that someone thinks it’s ok to treat a girlfriend like a maid. I don’t care how sick he is.

I guess it just never seemed like normal was in the cards for me. Thank you for your thoughts. I am in poor shape emotionally more often than makes sense.

[healingme4me]

That's a little something more than I even anticipated of him, to acknowledge what he had said to you.

I do recall many a thread about questioning if you were putting more energy into this relationship than getting in return.

I do worry for you as you do write about teetering at that emotional edge. I'm glad to read that you aren't isolating of yourself and you have someone you could meet up with if even for a coffee.

Originally Posted by Rose76

He's always been this way. That's why we have separate apartments. I am staying at his place a lot, or he'ld have to be in a nursing home.

He handles being ill with real bravery. Never complains about his limitations. Told me tonight he didn't mean to sound critical. He can be stupid at times.

This was never, ever a nice healthy relationship. Having him in my life was better than not having him in it. I love him. I believe he loves me.

At times I am very unhappy. Too often. But I am content a lot too. It is complicated. I am prone to mood swings. Other than each other, there isn't much support for either of us. I have a friend I meet with now and then. Our families are far away.

I do well for intervals. Then I have tailspin. This has been a bad one. It would be silly to say that this is all because he made a thoughtless remark. I'm always poised to fall off the edge.

Originally Posted by ColorOutsideTheLine

I’m very happy your fiancé treats you well. That’s not always easy to find these days. My husband and I have been together 18 years and while we have had our fair share of ups and downs he would never ever disrespect me.

So true and thank you. I really appreciate your post.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I feel like you're giving up your whole life for him. You forgive him easily. You are hard on yourself. You do everything for him, so it seems completely understandable to expect a little support and understanding from him. I don't think it is impossible for him to understand depression or how hard things are for you. It's up to you though if you want to stick this out to the end. Otherwise I'd say put him in a nursing home and start making more out of your own life. Either way you'll be alone and you should build some kind of support for you and how different life will be once he's gone.

It is hard for me to even seriously consider not sticking this out to the end. Having gone this far, this long . . . and with doctors telling me he is close to the end (weeks!), it seems preposterous to go shopping for a nursing home now. I am into my 7th year of being his caregiver. (In mid-Jan. 2012 he prepared a nice meal for us . . . for the last time. He used to love to do that. It was his final effort. He could barely move around in the kitchen.) (By Spring of 2013, I thought I was going to lose my mind because he wouldn't cooperate with having home attendants help out.) I pursued helping him apply for every benefit he was eligible for, which was no small undertaking. I thought home attendants in place would allow me to withdraw back into my own life to a reasonable extent. His needs escalated faster than increasing hours of home attendant service could keep pace with. He needs care 24/7. In 2014, I basically moved in with him, still keeping my own apt. It did not seem likely that he would survive another 4 years. In 2016, I found him a nursing home to try out. While there, he developed a bedsore.

I took him back to his apartment and healed the bedsore. He was happier also. I figured he hadn't too many months of life left. By the end of the year, he had pneumonia - which typically is what ultimately takes frail elders in the end. I nursed him, and he recovered. Within 4 months, he was diagnosed with pneumonia two more times. I nursed him, and he recovered. Nevertheless, doctors said the end was very near. They discovered lung cancer. They told me to stop bringing him to the Emergency Room. That was 6 months ago.

They told me treatment would be futile. One lung no longer functioned. But he wanted treatment, so I took him to the oncologist. He gets a new kind of cancer treatment every 3 weeks. Lately he stopped needing oxygen. His bad lung improved, despite spreading tumors.

My point is that he and I have been through an awful heck of a lot. Helping him access care, when doctors thought it was useless . . . and seeing him improve and find life enjoyable has been interesting and gratifying to me. His medical history is way, way more involved and more complicated than what I've just touched on. To have gone through all that I've gone through over the past 6+ years, just to step back now, feels too strange to imagine.

That's why I say it's hard for me to imagine not carrying on. That does not mean that I am wise to stay the course.

I appreciate your post, Disparaissant. Just because I can't imagine doing anything differently doesn't mean I've been wise in my choices. I've posted a number of threads on this situation, which I know you've read thoughtfully. Sometimes things are a lot clearer to others looking in from the outside. A little while ago, I told myself that, when a person feels trapped, that is often due to a refusal to really consider that there are other options.

Maybe I'm too stubborn. Since yesterday, I have felt so demoralized. That's not all coming from him. His one remark two nights ago need not have been such a big deal. I made it so. Commenting that the table looks a mess is not all that "disrespectful." It is a mess. I don't feel horribly "disrespected." I get depressed and find it hard to keep up with things. I let little messes accumulate. Then, seeing the accumulation, I get even more depressed. Eventually, I tackle the disorder and feel much better. He doesn't see why I wait. It's not his way.

I've asked him to understand that I struggle with recurring depression. Pointing out what I've failed to do just reinforces my feeling of discouragement. I've told him that the best way to help me climb out of a tailspin is to remind me of what I've done well. A pat on the head works marvelous wonders with me. I've asked him to try that instead, when I seem like I need a boot in the butt. But I've been telling him this for years and he never gets it. It's hard for me to believe that this is an honest failure to understand. I don't think he's that stuoid. How, after all these years (decades), can he not understand anything about my problem with depression, while I have learned to be helpful to him with every problem he's ever had? To me, it feels like he doesn't care.

For many years others who know us have told me that he takes a lot more than he gives. I let this go on. It seems like he is not going to die, until I have been drained of every bit of "giving" that is in me. And I let this go on. It is me who orchestrated the whole thing.

[unaluna]

Your experience with him over these years REALLY points up the importance of having an advocate. He is double-d lucky he has you in his life. You not only advocate, you do the work! I would be tempted to flick his forehead when he backtalked me, though!

[Rose76]

I've done that too.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I've done that too.

[saidso]

I know someone who does this, sometimes. It's particularly annoying when he isn't functioning super well himself and I am the person holding things together.

I think of it as a male one-upmanship thing - because this friend is very competitive about everything in his life.

I'll take it for a while in the name of good humour, and it stresses me quite a lot. I notice that I'm stressed at the end of a day with it, like I say particularly if he's not on form himself, and I am the one being supportive towards him.

I also have limits, and will tell him to back off. I tell him that when I'm being generous, it would be good for him to respond with some generosity in return, that we all need care sometimes.

I believe that people need to have it pointed out sometimes that they are taking care without returning it in kind. To point it out in a normal, regular, non-guilt tripping manner.

Do you agree?

[divine1966]

He behaves this way because he can. We teach people how to treat us. If he knew you’d be out the door if he acted badly, he’d probably think twice. He has learned that you won’t leave. It says a lot about your caring nature. Says a lot about him too.

[healingme4me]

So the table accumulated clutter and you hadn't attended to it. I cannot name 1 single person that I know that doesn't have a junk drawer, table or some other 'spot' in their home where things just pile up. Be gentle with yourself.

[Rose76]

I've threatened to ask for "respite." Both the VA and Medicaid are willing to pay for him to have a nursing home stay to give me a break. It can be a week to a month - whatever I want. Saying that last night didn't make a dent.

I don't know if his dementia makes it impossible for him to put together a few words of praise for me. But he never could do that, even when his brain worked better than mine.

Years ago, I got a call from the guy I had been with for 4 years before my current bf. He asked me to come back to him. He said, "I might not have been all that great to you, but I wouldn't be bleeding you, like this guy is doing." I kept hearing from him, till I we moved far away.

Last night I dreamed of the one other guy I had gone with for awhile. He had serious problems, but could say sweet things. I almost left my current bf to go back to him. I ran into him unexpectedly during a low point in my life. In some ways, he was the nicest. But he sure had issues; that's all I'll say. In my dream, though, I saw only his good points. Maybe his spirit came to me. Or it was just wishful thinking by me.

I wonder if life could have been different for me, if I had been loved by a supportive person. The three above were pretty majorly screwed up. No sane woman would have expected much of a life with any one of them. Here and there someone halfway normal appeared. I had other chances. They just didn't seem right at the time. I tend to think my life is pretty much what I've made it.

I have no desire to be involved with anyone again. I think about getting a dog when I have more time.

[Rose76]

My main problem now is that I don't have any desire to get out of bed.

I wonder if I would feel better away from him. I'll find out eventually.