Deep Shame About Something I Learned About An Ex

Thank you!!! This helps! I needed to hear this.

((((((Eve)))))) It sounds like a shock to your system to find this out, and a trigger maybe? Even though you have moved forward with your life and have done the healing work.

It sounds like your ex bf is running himself into the ground. In a weird and sort of twisted sense (though there's a name for it: schadenfreude), you can be happy that you're not him, and not with him, and not around him anymore. You're you (you are healthy, intelligent, successful), you're with an awesome guy engaged to be married to him, and this guy is miles away.

I think you are (or were yesterday) in pain and just want this pain OFF you. Makes complete sense!!! Be extra kind to yourself this weekend. As humans we ALL have our things that bother us.

I wonder what would happen if you began to accept the pain you experience at times with this issue (acceptance does not mean you agree with it or think it's ok, it doesn't mean you like it). I wonder what would happen if you began to stop overly identifying with the thoughts you have about it. What if you just noticed your thoughts and began to label them ("Oh, there's those 'jerk / break up / hurt' thoughts" - name them what you want), and simply let them go? Even when they come up again.

Take care of yourself this weekend and do what you need to do for yourself. Post, concert, spend time with your love. I'm rooting for you.

Thank you KnitChick!

I like your suggestions... that will probably help!! I will follow them, and I think they're probably spot on for what I need right now. I do just want this OFF me entirely!!!! LOL. SOO much so! To be reminded of him is a thorn bush in my side! OUCH

Triple hugs.

I thought you knew he was an addict. Drugs, alcohol etc Addict is an adduct. Does it matter what exactly he was/is using? Why being a drunk is not shocking but DXM is?

I was in a relationship with functioning alcoholic. Yeah he kept relapsing. We lived together almost 9 years. Well he still drinks and I long moved on. I didn’t really have to stay that long but oh well. Life goes on. Why beat yourself up?

I once gave money to someone I literally didn’t know. I kind of find it funny because of the level of stupidity I demonstrated. But if you’ve met me you’d never think I can be that idiotic. Lol

Just laugh and move on. Ton of people make crazy stupid choices. Don’t sweat. Makes us human. Stop worrying about it. When we are in a vulnerable state of mind we do stupid stuff. Learn lessons and live your life

As about shame. You did nothing shameful.

I don’t really know why.. yes I knew he was an addict after he moved in with me but he was abusing just before I moved him here. Had I known this I never would have done that. But you’re right.... I made a big fat mistake but it’s done and in the past. Still it burns me up.

Well you didn’t know him. How could you? You’ve met online and never dated him in real life. If you dated him consistently for awhile, I bet you’d know he is an addict.

Plus some things you just didn’t think about. Like why would a grown man not have a job or can’t keep a job? Usually substance abuse is involved. I am not even surprised. What you described about him sounds like an addict to me. Now you know. Just live and learn.

When I lived with alcoholic I mistakenly thought that one can just quit. I had no idea. Now I know. Just wanting to quit isn’t enough. We can’t know everything. So we make mistakes. Stop agonizing.

I look at my mistake with regret not shame. I saw red flags I rationalized away because I had no idea what I was observing.....& even mental health didn't have a diagnosis for it until 19 years later & even then he wasn't diagnosed. It wasn't until I left & only a few years ago the lightbulb came on. Do I regret not stopping the wedding like my gut feeling told me to.....you bettcha I do.....but when I had no knowledge or ability to know at the time I don't feel shame for rationalizing away my gut feeling. What it has taught me is to listen to my gut feelings & pay much more attention to the big picture.

We ALL make huge mistakes in our lives.....be thankful you didn't get married to him....be thankful it was much easier to end an engagement than a marriage.

After so many years I had to actually try to take myself back to the age of 21 to analyze my rational for actually going through with the wedding. Understanding my thinking at the time makes perfectly logical sense why I made the decision I made.....but with the years of hell it was not easy to be able to take myself back to that point logically & all I could think of was how STUPID could I have been until I really went back to my logic at the time. Part or life & part of our growing & learning process.

((((golden_eve)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone can make mistakes and you were in a vulnerable period of your life. I don't think anyone could blame you. Plus, most important, you're in a better situation. You've learned from the past and now you'll have a better future. To me, that's nothing to be ashamed of, but to be PROUD of!

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate your supportive words and stories. You’re right. I made the decisions I did given the current circumstances and my thoughts and feelings at the time. I too have been taught the lesson of learning to trust my gut. I will listen to my gut more. That’s the lesson. And to be careful when I’m in a vulnerable state. Another lesson. I have to look at this as a lesson.... and yes at least I didn’t marry him. He would have ruined my life! I know I’m a different person now than I was two years ago. Thank god I didn’t meet yet another jerk the next go around. Thank you all again so much! You’ve really helped.

golden, some of the most talented amazing people had/have addiction problems. Some of these people even seemed to have it all too. Robin Williams struggled with addition challenges and he was a very loved actor/comedian and clearly extremely talented, then there was John Belushi and Ben Affleck and Robert Downey Jr., and many top and extremely talented musicians and vocalists. They hurt everyone that loved them IRL and those who were their fans too. You are truly not the only one to be challenged with being charmed and finding out how heartbreaking it can be to deal with someone who chooses some kind of drug over you. Actually, that challenge had nothing to do with you, you were always powerless to change it no matter how much you wanted it to happen.

Thanks OE! Yes you make valid points. Our ending didn’t come down to his addictions though.. they played a role in our demise yes. But yeah his addictions came first and I realize it had nothing to do with me.

I realized today that a large part of my shame comes from the fact that after I kicked him out of the apartment and after all the insane fighting, the abuse and the crap he put me through, I still clung on to the relationship for two more months. I am ashamed that I clung to such an *** of a person who didn’t treat me right. I advise everyone on here to leave their abuser, and here I clung onto mine longer than I should have. I guess I clung to the fantasy he created for me and the dream of marriage with someone. But I clung to the wrong person, someone who is a piece of you know what, I knew what he was at that point but I stayed and for that I feel shame.

No need to feel shame, you needed time to heal. Everyone does.

Thanks Mickey. I knew at that point that he was abusive but I stayed anyways. It tells me I must have been seriously desperate for love, any love, and I was blinded by my feelings for him. It’s so hard to not feel ashamed and embarrassed for myself. I am better than that.

How about trying to change that feeling of shame into just feeling regret

Well this link contains an interesting way to define the differences between shame, regret & guilt but it is right on. You might find it interesting. (The meat of the article starts about in the middle)
Megsanity.com | Do You Know The Difference Between Guilt, Shame and Regret? Here's One Way To Reduce All Three

I don’t think regret is a productive feeling either. You can’t change the past so what is the point of regretting it?

I believe in reflecting on things we do, understanding the reasons we did them and move on by learning better ways for the future.

I absolutely refuse to live in regret or shame. That’s a victim mentality and sure way to slip into self pity and depression.

Everyone has things in life that they should have done differently but since nothing could be done but learn lessons, just live in the present and future. Maybe it’s just me. I won’t waste 5 minutes regretting anything. What for? Nothing could be done about it anyways

Thanks! I will read the article!

Thanks, although I cannot help how I feel. I have more self respect than that. I tend to beat myself up for my mistakes because I am very perfectionistic.

I believe we can help ourselves how we feel. We can learn regulate emotions. Perhaps inability to control feelings is what led to choosing wrong partners repeatedly (“I like him. I can’t help it. He is a loser but I can’t help how I feel so I gonna hook up with him anyway”)

What are you accomplishing by beating yourself up over having unsuitable partners?. I think time and mental energy is better spent on working finding roots of these repeated attractions to wrong people. You’ve been done with this guy for a year, it was established then that he is messed up. You still keep stressing about that he was a loser. That’s not new.

He is out of your life. It’s not like you have to co-parent for the next 18 years or pay him alimony or buy him out of the house. You’ve been together less than a year. It’s done and over with.

What does your therapist say about you keep ruminating about this loser? Is he worth that much mental struggle on your part?

It sounds to me more like you had a parent that was a perfectionist, so much so that you genuinely struggle with "did I do this good enough" mindset.

You are 48 years old and you don't cook, why?

There is a movie called Julia and Julia (I think that's the name of it) and it's about Juila Childs and a woman who wanted to actually cook every recipe in Julia's cook book and she had a blog about each meal she cooked. I would like you to rent that movie and watch it. I think it would be good for you and your fiance to take a cooking class together so you can explore cooking and creating food dishes together. And THEN plan a dinner YOU COOK at your home.

She rolls her eyes and says “oh this again?”

Yes I have that mindset on top of having had overly critical parents. I don’t care to cook. I used to have an eating disorder so I’m weird with food. I don’t wish to discuss this though. I don’t want to cook. No interest. Besides this isn’t about that.