Deep Shame About Something I Learned About An Ex

Your therapist is missing your core challenge and that's not all that unusual golden. That's why she is rolling her eyes, she hasn't hit your actual challenge yet where she can help you recognize it too.

Also, I got interrupted when I talked about the cooking with you. It's not about cooking but instead about your taking on something that you have been avoiding and I think if you and even your fiance were to take it on that it could actually be very therapeutic for the both of you. A lot of the time people "avoid" cooking for fear of things not coming out right. It is these same people that never have dinner parties or host anything unless it's at a restaurant or someone else does the meals. This tends to connect to growing up with a parent or parents that are perfectionists. I know about this because my father was HORRIBLE when it came to needing the meals be perfect according to his own idea of what perfect was.

Yes. She’s great in some ways and not helpful in others. I ruminate. I don’t know how not to. It’s a problem.

(((((((((Eve))))))))))

Why Ruminating is Unhealthy and How to Stop

8 Tips to Help Stop Ruminating (I love #5 in this one)

Also just wondering if you ever go back to read your threads, to read the responses, and if so do you find it helpful? If you do, look back! Particularly at post #27. I sometimes go back and read my own threads when people have said helpful things. I find it helps me.

Thanks!!! Yes I will go back and read. And thanks for the articles!!

I don’t think cooking is a requirement for adults. It sure helps with healthier eating patterns but plenty of people have partners who cook. Some people cook and some don’t. Plus some are good cooks and some not so much. I cook but I am pretty average. And I really only enjoy cooking special dishes for holidays or company. The rest of time it’s like whatever is simpler. I am too busy. Who cares.

I remember you said you post a blog about happiness. So I assume happiness is important for you yet you seem to unintentionally look for ways to be unhappy: either job or relationship or both. It seems very contradictory to me. Like instead of looking for ways to be happy, you find something to be upset about. Even things that are no longer of importance. Like ex used drugs. Etc Are you afraid to just enjoy your life?

I agree with you. Cooking is not everyone’s cup of tea. I even ruined a frozen pizza tonight!! Lol.

That’s your perception. I mainly talk about my concerns on here and vent about my issues. We’re all here for a reason. Please don’t criticize the fact that I have issues I grapple with yet run a blog on happiness. My blog helps me just as much as it helps others. I write about things I’ve learned along the way that are common obstacles to happiness, some of which I may struggle with too. Just because I blog about ways to be happy does not mean I must be perfect or always happy. And I am generally very happy, the happiest I’ve ever been. You really don’t know me well enough or even in person to be saying these things or coming to such conclusions. It’s a bit offensive. In real life I’m a very positive minded and upbeat person with a positive outlook. Not only that but I have a lot of wisdom to share based on personal experience. What I write about on here is only a snapshot of me, not the whole me. We come here to discuss our problems and issues. Everyone has problems. Even good therapists have their own therapists but does that mean they’re a bad therapist because they too need help? I don’t think it’s contradictory at all. You also make it seem like I go out of my way to be upset about things or to find something to be upset about. Things upset me in life and I need to talk them out. Perhaps I’ll just stop posting here altogether. I feel very criticized for simply having upset emotions. Exactly how my parents treated me.

LOL golden, meh sometimes frozen pizza can be tricky.

I thought that Meryl Streep did an excellent job portraying Julia Childs. I myself am not a huge fan of cooking. However, I did appreciate the movie Julia and Julia in that I liked the tenacity and determination of Julia and her insistence on overcoming some challenging obstacles.

It's perfectly fine to vent your upset emotions here ((golden)), it's good for you, especially considering that your parents dismissed and criticized you for your emotions when they should have been helping you to work through them instead. Sorry you were triggered

I am sorry! Wasn’t my intent to offend or upset you. Of course no one is always happy. It’s unnatural.

I might be completely wrong of course. It just seemed that ruminating too much about events that you can’t change upset you and possibly holds you back. Like every time things are going well for you, somehow you bring this loser up again. He isn’t worth it

Again I could be wrong. When I complain about this or that mundane things , my therapist says “don’t let it stop you from enjoying your life”. So I don’t want you to not fully enjoy your life because this or that happened. Don’t give too much power to losers from the past. That’s just my take on it. Again sorry, not trying to offend.

Yeah thank you ..

Thank you.

To add to that, thing is, I AM enjoying my life. My fiancé and I get out a lot for music, dinners, movies and seeing friends. We have a ton of fun. Ruminating interrupts my thoughts and my day sometimes but it doesn’t stop me from having fun and enjoying my life.

I just want these thoughts to leave me for good. They pop into my head randomly and once they’re there I can’t seem to get rid of them until I focus on a task or change what I am doing.

Well, you had been in a relationship where you believed you found the right person to settle down with. You WANTED things to work out and were willing to forgive and support that individual in finding his way forward. You invested your time and your money only to end up being let down and crushed. That kind of experience takes time to grieve and it's something most people have a hard time with. Something like that also creates self doubt in questioning your own ability to judge etc. and trust yourself. It's actually normal to see things you missed "after" you have distanced from someone for a while too. You have been talking and learning and gaining more knowledge and in that you can see more and it's only normal you would have moments where you would review what you experienced that ended up hurting you. We are designed to think back on something we navigated through that presented us with challenges, it's part of how we are designed as we really are born navigators and problem solvers. We are designed to draw on our life experiences as we move forward in our lives.

I spent years working with a lot of children and I taught them privately and one thing I learned is they are all different. Some children are fearless and very outgoing while other children are timid and careful and more insecure and some are quiet while they are taking in something new and it isn't until they have had time to mull something over that they begin to talk about it too. Unfortunately, a lot of children are told "don't let that bother you, don't feel afraid, don't feel sad, when in reality what that child really needs to learn is "what" these feelings actually mean.

Honestly, one thing I had noticed in dealing with so many different children is the ones that often struggled the most were the ones who's parents were therapists and psychiatrists and teachers. Too "controlling" and often even worse when it came to helping their children learn how to understand their emotions. Often the problem came from "perfectionism" that was more about the parent thinking they had all the answers and they did not allow their child to come up with their own way of looking at things and even feeling about things.

You are stereotyping and generalizing in regards to people’s professions and parenting. Plenty of kids of psychiatrists, teachers and therapists are very independent and very well adjusted. Same as kids of people of any other profession. Stereotyping doesn’t serve much purpose.

Funny, my dad is a psychiatrist who wouldn’t allow me to have upset feelings. My emotions were always wrong, I was always wrong to have certain emotions and I was not allowed to feel. I developed an eating disorder and ate through my emotions then threw up to get rid of them. Ugh. I never was allowed to be angry either. Nice huh? So I never learned regulation and I never learned how to deal with my feelings as a kid.

I think with my ex, I keep having new revelations as I move forward. Like, now I am thankful that he walked away from me, or else I may have clung on for several more months trying to make it work and ruining myself in the meantime. He did me a huge favor by cutting me loose, and now I see it that way. His extreme cruelty towards me in the end gave me no choice but to walk away fully and not cling on. It was a blessing. I needed to let go and he allowed me to. That was a gift. My own neediness bothers me but that’s where I was at the time. Needy. And now I see the whole relationship as a big mistake on my part. Probably the biggest mistake of my entire life. But I have to accept that. The perfectionist in me struggles with that. Yes, he let me down immensely. That was a rough crash landing and wake up call. But I disappointed myself most of all. I let myself down.

So I made a vast mistake, I exercised poor judgement and I was emotionally needy. I have to forgive myself and have self compassion for where I was at that time. I want to work with my therapist on that part.

I looked up the definition of Rumination thanks to your post, as I am the Queen of Rumination myself. An alternate definition of it is a word for how a cow chews its cud. Well, that means a process of digesting! Rumination is processing in order to digest.

I know so much psych info says it’s unhealthy and try to teach stopping it. But I am quite happy to ruminate away. First of all, who is it hurting?

Your therapist who rolls her eyes when you mention it, would be gone if she were my therapist. She is also invalidating you!

I ruminated about past exes. Eventually, I got over them. We are very highly sensitive people. So we need to ruminate before putting it to rest in our hearts.

I know there are dangers. Sometimes I arrive somewhere and have no memory of the drive because I was somewhere else mentally. But, thank God, I never had an accident. I obey the rules of the road.

In time you will get over this ex and rarely ever think about him.

He did do you a favor by leaving you. He was no good.

I ruminated about an ex who even at the time, my mom said he did he a favor, and I knew she was right. But I still ruminated. 20 years later I find a website after googling his name where someone wrote how he was a super villain. I thought I loved that POS??? I don’t know why my heart was having such bad judgment. You don’t know yours either.

Three cheers for you for getting rid of the bum!

Thanks Tisha! I love that definition!!! Yes rumination has helped me to process and digest. I’ve gone through various stages: hurt and anger, wanting revenge and now acceptance.. next self forgiveness.

Perhaps rumination really isn’t all that bad if it helps one to process and overcome an experience. I know I’ll get to a point where he doesn’t even enter my mind, and I very much look forward to that day. I am almost there. Amazing how we can end up with the totally wrong person.

Yeah my therapist rolling her eyes Is not helpful.

Therapist rolling her eyes is just so inappropriate. Not professional.

I agree. She has helped in a lot of ways though. I went through five therapists in one year due to internal problems in this one center. She knows me so I’m not about to switch therapists now.

Only time when remination becomes a problem is if it keeps the hurt going.....like picking at a scab to the extent the sore never heals. But that is the extreme just like no ruminating can be an indication of lack of actual processing an issue. Obviously like with everything else either extreme is unhealthy.

Just like regret. If we live focused on all our regrets it is NOT healthy but to not acknowledge them is unhealthy also..

Learning the ability to regulate ourselves & learn how to acknowledge & stay in control of our emotions is a good indication of being in a healthy mental state.

While you Golden were not allowed to be angry.....anger was about the only emotion I had for 54 years....or at least the only one I recognized until I finally got a very outstanding psychologist to help me.....that was definitely an unhealthy place for me to be.....though most of my anger was directed outward & can now see the behaviors that were directed at myself.

Thanks Eskie. Good news is, I worked through the hurt in the beginning. It’s been a process like I wrote above. Now I’m In a regretful stage but I won’t linger here. Like I wrote above, next is self forgiveness vs regret. I can’t beat myself up forever. That’s masochistic. I now handle anger appropriately. I’ve learned better over the years.

Now that you are away from that individual and finally realized he was never going to fit in to "your dream of him" you get a chance to work through the reality of that experience along with the things you simply did not see and some of that was lack of knowledge which is something a lot of people experience.

Yes agreed. And agreed about my dad and emotions. Now I journal my feelings and come here for support. I do need reassurance at times and validation around my feelings. Thank you, OE.