I learned something about an ex of mine just recently, which has brought thoughts on the relationship to the surface all over again, and I feel IMMENSE SHAME over ever having chosen to be with this person... to begin with.

I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I have moved on, I am happy and as most of you know, I am engaged to be married. Everything is great in that respect.

But what I learned about this person is devastating to my self-esteem right now.

I am wondering:

HOW could I have been so desperate to be with such a low life of a person?????

WHY IN THE WORLD did I let him move in with me?!?!? I should have known FAR better!!!!

Yes, I've been through this already. But what I learned now has sent me reeling. What I just found out is he was massively abusing DXM just before I moved him to be with me. This was unbeknownst to me!

HAD I KNOWN THIS (WHICH HE KEPT SECRET), I NEVER WOULD HAVE MOVED HIM IN WITH ME. THEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH THE HELL I DID GO THROUGH WITH HIM.

I may as well have just picked some random guy up off the streets!!! DXM?!?! C'mon. What the hell.

I feel SO freaking ashamed of myself.

It has been a long time now, over a year, and I have been over it.... I have run over this ground many times now.

But this????? HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SOOOOOOO INCREDIBLY STUPID? ARGH!!!!!

He was slurring his words even on the phone with me, and I believed his lies that it was side effects from medications he was taking!!!! That's probably the REAL reason he was kicked out of his home!!!! He lied about that too.

This too shall pass, but once again, I am kicking myself.

I never wish to think of his name or that experience ever again. I wish to forget it entirely and remove it from my brain. I must have been a different person.

[unaluna]

Yeah not too proud of my past either.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah not too proud of my past either.

I hear you. But what do we do with that?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I hear you. But what do we do with that?

Do you understand why you were vulnerable to that situation? I was re-enacting my relationship with my mother with these crazy people - i didnt like them, they didnt like me, but they happened to be in my path and they were pretty and a million other reasons they were just like mom. The re-enactment compulsion is truly a COMPULSION. Years of therapy to stop it and begin to forgive and understand myself.

[happysobercrafter]

You were a different person, in a way. It seems to me as though you have done a lot of work on your personal growth. Back then, he fulfilled a vacancy in you, but you picked yourself up and moved yourself forward.

The reason you feel shame in the first place is because someone taught you to feel shame. Instead of problem solving, facing challenges, or resolving mistakes, someone taught you to feel shame and feel humiliated when you make a mistake.

The best way I know of to get past an emotional issue that is haunting me is to accept the fact that it is bothering me. And if I can't get myself to that place, I face the fact that I am struggling to accept it. I tell myself that their behavior appalls me and I know I need to get past it but I first accept the fact that I am struggling to admit it to myself so I can face it and get past it. Does that make sense?

Our emotions are there to tip us off to something going on around us. It can be excitement or happiness, just as it can be fear, anger, or being disrespected.

Many years ago, in my days of drinking because I had no idea the iceberg of abuse that lay beneath my surface, I dated and lived with a child molester, knowing what he was. My neediness blinded me from his monstrosity. We weren't together long, thankfully and I no longer tolerate people like that in my life. He fulfilled a distorted need I had back then that was born from the child abuse my family saturated me in.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Do you understand why you were vulnerable to that situation? I was re-enacting my relationship with my mother with these crazy people - i didnt like them, they didnt like me, but they happened to be in my path and they were pretty and a million other reasons they were just like mom. The re-enactment compulsion is truly a COMPULSION. Years of therapy to stop it and begin to forgive and understand myself.

TY! Yes, I believe it's because I had not too long beforehand been diagnosed with a new disorder/MH issue and I believed that I would never be able to be with someone who didn't suffer from MH issues themselves. So I got involved with this person (this guy) that I met on a mental health forum, believing this about myself. I also was in a very low place in my life at the time.

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

You were a different person, in a way. It seems to me as though you have done a lot of work on your personal growth. Back then, he fulfilled a vacancy in you, but you picked yourself up and moved yourself forward.

The best way I know of to get past an emotional issue that is haunting me is to accept it. And if I can't get myself to that place, I face the fact that I am struggling to accept it. I tell myself that their behavior appalls me and I know I need to get past it but I first accept the fact that I am struggling to admit it to myself so I can face it and get past it. Does that make sense?

Many years ago, in my days of drinking because I had no idea the iceberg of abuse that lay beneath my surface, I dated and lived with a child molester, knowing what he was. My neediness blinded me from his monstrosity. We weren't together long, thankfully and I no longer tolerate people like that in my life. He fulfilled a distorted need I had back then that was born from the child abuse my family saturated me in.

TY! Yes, that makes perfect sense.

So you're saying I must accept this somehow.. that I was so desperate that I lost sight of any and all standards. I threw them all out the window, with this person.

I also didn't know he was abusing DXM. Never in a million years would I have let him live with me, had I known this. So I cannot fault myself for that part.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

TY! Yes, that makes perfect sense.

So you're saying I must accept this somehow.. that I was so desperate that I lost sight of any and all standards. I threw them all out the window, with this person.

I also didn't know he was abusing DXM. Never in a million years would I have let him live with me, had I known this. So I cannot fault myself for that part.

Sweetpea, please, don't fault yourself for any of it. That is simply where you were in your life and you have learned better and are moving forward.

What is DXM?

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Sweetpea, please, don't fault yourself for any of it. That is simply where you were in your life and you have learned better and are moving forward.

What is DXM?

Thank you so much.

DXM is an ingredient in cough medicine that makes people trip on much higher doses. So lots of people take it in order to experience a hallucinogenic state.

For the record, I don't knock anyone for doing these kinds of things recreationally, which is just my own belief system, it doesn't have to be anyone else's. But personally, I don't have an issue with recreational use. It's outright abuse & drug addictions that I have a real issue & contention with.

[TishaBuv]

If you didn’t know about the dxm use at the time and only just learned about it now, I don’t understand where feeling shame would happen. What are you ashamed of?

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If you didn’t know about the dxm use at the time and only just learned about it now, I don’t understand where feeling shame would happen. What are you ashamed of?

I don't know... I feel ashamed that I was even with such a total loser.... had we met under normal circumstances, in person, I NEVER would have been with him. We met long distance and he was able to woo me and make empty promises of our love and of the future together, I bought into all his lies and BS...... I suppose the DXM issue just is the tipping point for me to finally feel the shame of it all. To boot, he was abusing DXM, on top of him being perpetually unemployed, becoming homeless and being a raging alcoholic (which I also learned after living with him). I just feel SO ashamed of myself.

[TishaBuv]

Maybe you are feeling ashamed you were so gullible. But you didn’t know until just now.

You wanted him to be a diamond in the rough but he was just a rock.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Maybe you are feeling ashamed you were so gullible. But you didn’t know until just now.

You wanted him to be a diamond in the rough but he was just a rock.

YES I was very gullible and very vulnerable. I was at a very low point in my life. And I thought in the beginning that I had met the most amazing person.... I thought he was "It"! LOL, omg was I wrong.

[happysobercrafter]

I agree 100%.

So I endured an abusive relationship with an alcoholic/drug addict, an unemployed, unmotivated loser with no goals in life, a very manipulative and pathological LIAR who can convince most people of his arguments any day. He is smart, or he certainly sounds educated and smart, he is very conniving and also very convincing. And i fell for it, 100%.

Thankfully, my fiance is NOTHING like him. I've definitely come a long way, but damn, I could have done without that crap in my life. We got engaged after all, the biggest mistake of my entire life!!!!!

Originally Posted by golden_eve

We got engaged after all, the biggest mistake of my entire life!!!!!

Thank goodness you didn't go through with it. You are a survivor.
And such a feel good story--from unemployed to a good job and now a much better partner. So much to be grateful for.

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Thank goodness you didn't go through with it. You are a survivor.
And such a feel good story--from unemployed to a good job and now a much better partner. So much to be grateful for.

TY!!! You're SO right. I am very thankful!!!

[TishaBuv]

I have looked at it upside down and inside out; borderline traits- idealization/devaluation. I’m not implying you have it, I’m not even sure I have it.

But looking at my past relationships, it sure explains a lot.

I was head over heels crazy over guys who were NOT good partners.

Once there was a post on here that was titled, “Do you vilify your ex?” And my respose was, “What if they really were villains?” Because they WERE.

Depending on the place we are at financially, emotionally, sets us up to make really strange bedfellows.

The most important part is that you got rid of the bad guy and found a good one. Even for someone who got rid of bad guy and simply found themselves, hooray for them, that’s a win, too!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I have looked at it upside down and inside out; borderline traits- idealization/devaluation. I’m not implying you have it, I’m not even sure I have it.

But looking at my past relationships, it sure explains a lot.

I was head over heels crazy over guys who were NOT good partners.

Once there was a post on here that was titled, “Do you vilify your ex?” And my respose was, “What if they really were villains?” Because they WERE.

Depending on the place we are at financially, emotionally, sets us up to make really strange bedfellows.

The most important part is that you got rid of the bad guy and found a good one. Even for someone who got rid of bad guy and simply found themselves, hooray for them, that’s a win, too!

Thanks, Tisha. I am not borderline, but I do have a tendency (in the past) to idealize partners and to make them "the one" before they have been deemed worthy. He was/is a bad person, no doubt about that, and I jumped in with both feet first, without looking. I am glad I am rid of him, and I am glad I have a good man for once.

I can entirely relate. My last two relationships... I was a complete idiot. It's put me off guys and relationships for awhile. I would rather be alone than put misplaced trust and control to someone who doesn't deserve it.

How you deal with that shame and anger? I'm still trying to find that out myself

[TishaBuv]

I did know a good man when I met my husband and did marry a good man. Sadly, that didn’t stop me from screwing up quite a lot. He has shortcomings that drove me well...here. . Thankfully we are still together. He says he wants to stay with me and loves me. That really IS a good man!

You will eventually find fault. Be careful.

IDK if my underlying true issue is a disorder.

This insight is my engagement gift to you both.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I learned something about an ex of mine just recently, which has brought thoughts on the relationship to the surface all over again, and I feel IMMENSE SHAME over ever having chosen to be with this person... to begin with.

I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I have moved on, I am happy and as most of you know, I am engaged to be married. Everything is great in that respect.

But what I learned about this person is devastating to my self-esteem right now.

I am wondering:

HOW could I have been so desperate to be with such a low life of a person?????

WHY IN THE WORLD did I let him move in with me?!?!? I should have known FAR better!!!!

Yes, I've been through this already. But what I learned now has sent me reeling. What I just found out is he was massively abusing DXM just before I moved him to be with me. This was unbeknownst to me!

HAD I KNOWN THIS (WHICH HE KEPT SECRET), I NEVER WOULD HAVE MOVED HIM IN WITH ME. THEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH THE HELL I DID GO THROUGH WITH HIM.

I may as well have just picked some random guy up off the streets!!! DXM?!?! C'mon. What the hell.

I feel SO freaking ashamed of myself.

It has been a long time now, over a year, and I have been over it.... I have run over this ground many times now.

But this????? HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SOOOOOOO INCREDIBLY STUPID? ARGH!!!!!

He was slurring his words even on the phone with me, and I believed his lies that it was side effects from medications he was taking!!!! That's probably the REAL reason he was kicked out of his home!!!! He lied about that too.

This too shall pass, but once again, I am kicking myself.

I never wish to think of his name or that experience ever again. I wish to forget it entirely and remove it from my brain. I must have been a different person.

Instead of being ashamed of something you did in the past and really cannot change, change your focus to see how it's an example of where you have been, and how you've come all this way, that it was something you can now learn from and know the signs of what not to do, and who not to allow to hurt you. Always two sides to the coin and being ashamed of something that is gone and over only serves to stop you in your tracks or at the very least slow you down in your growth.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Instead of being ashamed of something you did in the past and really cannot change, change your focus to see how it's an example of where you have been, and how you've come all this way, that it was something you can now learn from and know the signs of what not to do, and who not to allow to hurt you. Always two sides to the coin and being ashamed of something that is gone and over only serves to stop you in your tracks or at the very least slow you down in your growth.

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense! You can’t change the past but you can change the present and future.

You didn’t do anything legally, morally or ethically wrong.... so you shouldn’t feel shame or guilt about this. You didn’t have all the facts at the time. It’s likely the signs were there and like most of us have done at times, it’s likely you saw some of them and ignored them... you’ve since learned from it and you are likely to pay close attention to warning signs and gut feelings now. It’s perfectly ok to forgive yourself of the mistake and move on.