What is wrong with someone like this?

I have a friend who is very decent but appears to have obsessive tendencies.

Obsessed with controlling my life helping and giving me things. If he gets a new TV do i want the old one?. Well, why would I? if it is not good enough for him why would it be good enough for me? And he knows i have a good tv anyway. a few weeks ago it was a stereo system. but he knows i have a good one

I bought something i have to collect-he wil lbe with me- and just casually mentioned hope it fits in my car. immediately he wants to bring his brother along with a bigger car. Then he wants to go to the home of a person who has one of what i am buying and see if it fits in my car. I cannot believe i am hearing this. Mine would be packed a certain way anyway so it make no difference if that one did fit

if i say i am trying to learn something new and we go for coffee and he meets someone with this skill he will bring him over to 'give me tips' i am very careful what i say now.

And coffee. He will text for coffee and say he wants to discuss something with me. we do similar work but it turns out it could be said in a text. He then won't leave the coffee shop. Three hours to drink a coffee. So much now i had started to say "I am going now do you want to stay" after about an hour Now i just say i do not want to go.

I had told him i may call to X- a mutual friend- on Xmas eve so on xmas eve this subject of this thread phoned me asking me was i going and he would come with me. i said no then he wanted me to go to him for a drink. I knew he had that planned because he let it slip earlier in the week. you may say nothing wrong with asking someone for a drink at xmas but the point is it was he who had it arranged in his own mind, the time it would be etc. He is always trying to arrange people's lives

He is also very dismissive of X who has bipolar when talking about X to me. mocking his accent etc. He is also very dismissive of me if i text him when he is watching a movie. i get back a reply with see you during the week added. That is a away f ending the text conversation. But if it suits him he will want to spend ages texting. I have more or less stopped texting too. He has this thing when his work is done and everything finished he thinks i have nothing to do only spend three hours over coffee. He is very judgemental too of women and how many childen they have. Two rooms three children he says is bad.

What is wrong with someone like that? It is getting worse. Looks to me like obsession with helping people /giving them things. he is always giving people things. is it about control.? It is not agressive. Can people be controlling without being agressive or even realising it?

I am staying away from him for the moment and collecting my thing some day his brother is not available. it looks like i will have to bring him as i have promised. if i can get out of it i will. i won't be controlled like that

Does anyone know what this is about? He is driving me crazy so much i am avoid as much as possible

you start off with "a friend, who is decent" then go on to point out all the reasons he is not what you think is a decent person. Explain why this is a person you label as friend? Honestly I am not sure if you feel like you're obligated in some way to be friendly and connected to this person but it doesn't seem like they are a person you would voluntarily hang out with - I may be wrong but you really don't like them. just find friends that are people you share values and interests with and don't endure this any longer, not worth wasting time and energy in a relationship that is clearly not beneficial to you or even enjoyable.

because he has good points. if i was sick he would make sure i was OK.He is decent in many ways. i think it is a problem he has that he is unaware of

So you're faced with something to ponder. Are his good traits enough for you to overlook the ones that are not and accept him as he is, as a friend? Since we are all flawed and have issues in character and personality large and small, can you set aside these things and accept that this is who he is - and be a friend or will you or are you thinking you want to figure out how to change this person's behavior? Because it truly does come down to you. The only one that you can bend is yourself, you can compromise, and accept others because they are worth it or you can continue to struggle with those things you are not able to change. If it's a good friend then find ways to accept and cope with those things that bother you.

There is not a single person in this world that I can get along with 100% and have no issues with. There are, however those that I'm willing to accept their flaws because for whatever reasons, they are worth it as a friend.

yes it sounds like it is the time to actually tell him he is bothering you and why and see his reaction, and let him know why. if he stays and wants to continue the friendship then you must set boundries.

i think it would mess up the friendship. he is a bit like the felix in the odd couple driving oscar mad but deep down oscar liked him. Deepdown he is sound but i need to set boundaries without saying anything. Just won't tell him any more stuff he can obsess about. i got an email tonight. we both play musical instruments. apparently he and I and his brother are going to be music stars, the band is in the process of being formed..even the brother is buying a piano..help

I think they are all crazy

Then I think S4ndm4n2006 is more likely the person you should listen to, he has some good suggestions. good luck

Have you shown him that you are not interested in his "support" or is there something you could be doing that is leading him on to think you welcome more? If you are confiding in him about your personal life, he may feel that the right thing to do is help.

On the other hand, if you have given him enough clues that you are not interested, then it's probably time to set boundaries upfront (but with kind words).

So far, it sounds like he means well, but if he starts to have unhealthy reactions to boundaries, then it's time to let him go.

no just casual mention of hope it fits in my car

Going to set boundaries without saying anything. just not say anything like hope fits in my car

you are wrong I do. i said he s decent in many ways

yes i set up youtube channel a while ago and said he could helpas we are both interested in the topic. Immediately he wanted to change the name of it, change the sign off which was an advert for the channell and bring in a third party to advertise it. I said no it is my project and my rules.

So what i am really trying to figure is what is this. Is it OCD? Control freak. Is control freak aggressive? He is not

Okay, I see. It looks like you have been already clear with him. You said that it's your project and your rules. Prior to that point, you have could given him the benefit of doubt that maybe he missed your clues (since we all have blind spots). But now that you have been clear, he has no more excuse for not respecting boundaries. I don't know the reason behind what he does, but if you are being consistent with your "no thank you"'s and he persists over time, then you may have to consider letting him go as a friend.

There was another time at hallowen he wanted to go see some tarot card exhibition. He asked me i said no not into that. But still he text me when the tickets went on sale. "lets go get tickets" [you had to buy them from the hotel reception] I said no not into that. Think he was annoyed about that. he went on hols for a week with family

Also in relation to hols he has a holiday planned for summer 2019. His idea. i wanted to go . Now he has more people going, so i don't know

So I do not encourage him. Still he is a good friend. If i am sick the same thing. arriving with offers of help, do i need anything from shop

it is exhausting. It think it is OCD and the giving all the time s low self esteem. He does not seem aware of it. I do not want to hurt his feeling either. He has been good friend at tough times

So you are torn about the friendship. I hope you can eventually reach a decision that gives you peace.

Could it be because he doesn't feel good enough for you as a friend so he compensates for his inadequacy with gifts/favors?

I admit, I am like that so I can understand where he's coming from. I have a hard time making/keeping friends so I tend to go out of my way to keep what few people I have in my life. I ordered one friend pizza twice in the last month and I'm planning on building another one a cheap gaming PC for free soon. I even risked homelessness a couple of years ago just to get my former best friend away from an abusive relative. I am this way because I don't think I'm good enough to have people in my life so I am overly generous to reduce the chance they will abandon me later on.

Maybe this relates to your friend somehow?

Thanks for your reply it would not show on my laptop. i think you are right but it is not just me he does not feel good enough for. He is always giving things to people. I gave him a ride from shop yesterday and mentioned something i had seen in a magazine so he bought me the magazine. I suppose maybe he wants to be not taking without giving but i did not not give him a ride cos i wanted anything

you should take care of yourself. Homelessness is a big risk

Hi Lonelyman,

Your friend may be trying to be helpful, but he sounds like he is extremely controlling. I prefer not to spend my time with people who try to control my life and my time.

Sure your friend comes across as controlling but there really isn't any malice in his behavior. He just seems to be . . as someone earlier stated. . . in need of a friend. He apparently doesn't know how to 'be a friend' in any other way. You just need to subtly set boundaries and just say . . . "no" or "no, thanks" when necessary.

I don't think there is any malice or ill-intention in his behavior although it may be super-annoying. It's hard to tell if someone means well but just "don't get it" about boundaries or is truly controlling.

But even if he means well, if it the friendship is too exhausting for you, it's okay to let him go, or at least take a break from him so you have time to reflect.

there isn't
I learnt to just be careful what i say. recently we went somewhere. he gave me money for fuel i did not expect as i was going anyway. That is what i mean by decent. Also i respect his wish to contribute. Contrast this with the mean guy in your other thread. Also i am sick today he said if you need anything call. he is OK really. But i really have to stop it quick. Someting new i am doing he said if you need help i have phone number of X who could help. i immediately said no i am OK and told him nicely not to mention my new plans to anyone. Thaks for your reply

It seems like a boundaries thing. He wants to be helpful but doesn't know where to draw the line. It's tough, because while he is probably a genuinely nice guy with the best of intentions, it's not fun to keep having to push back and enforce normal boundaries. I have known people like this but have not known how to handle it aside from distancing myself.

i have learnt how to not speak of anything that sets him off with me. But now he is in a new job a week and he wants to be on the organising committe because he cannot just do as he is hired to but wants to run the show

He is also trying to ' help' someone who he percieves as not being credited at work .It s none of his business she is happy to do as she is employed to do but he has decided her work excessive.

And he is obsessing why all the information on a project at his work is not up immediately. They have to wait for dates times but are building the site so they can then slot in the times. He says the should put all the info up at once.

Also when he is saying something to me in coffee shop which is not a big secret but maybe private/not PC he looks around conspiratorially as if to see if anyone listening. I just speak lower

Any new experience he has has to be repeated over and over and become part of texts or conversation

Going to give coffee a miss for a while as I am fed up with the constant rehashing and obsessing about his job where i do not even know the people involved. Nearly screamed at him yesterday. I did scream inside my head

Sounds like a touch of narcissism. Of course, armchair diagnoses over the internet should always be taken with a planet-sized grain of salt. It's very difficult to determine when I can't observe his behavior in person. But I'd put money on narcissism, at least subclinical levels.

Have him do the Dark Triad test with you for fun. Tell him it's related to success in business (which it is).

Yeah, that's probably a good idea. If you have to interact with him, know where your boundaries are and enforce them calmly and firmly.

Your friend has got a problem with boundaries and sounds pushy and single minded. He may . not have the best social skills. If you feel like screaming when you are around him, then it seems like a good idea to take a break. I don't really understand why if you feel like screaming you can't raise what is bothering you with him.

as stated earlier in thread I did say something yesterday. I said your job is to do X leave the management to management. In terms of the girl i said obviously it is in her job description or even if it'snot she does not feel taken advantage of. i don't know her or if she is happy to do the work he sees as excessive. I do not understand this level of interference in people's lives