Girlfriend sexted a guy she knew from a dating site: Is it cheating?

My girlfriend of 7 months who is 8yrs older than me have split up because I caught her Whatsapping a guy who she met on a dating website (where we met each other) recently and what turned from friendly chat, became sexting.

It turns out she has saved his number all this time (why I don't know) as she says she is just 'friends' with him. I'd noticed his name in her phone months ago when she asked me to check her doctors surgery number and I asked who he was and she said that it was someone she )used to go to school with (which is a blatant lie!)

She texted him first last week asking how he was and he replied saying fine etc which seemed innocent at first. Then he said that he had always wanted her and wanted to '***** her so much'. She replied do you actually and how much do you want me?

He knew she was with me because of her Whatsapp profile photo of the two of us.

This sort of talk went on for a bit until he said 'do you want me?' and she replied 'just sex?' He said yeah, then she said to him 'can't rush it just now' and then he said so when are we gonna do it and she said 'not straight away.'

I only unlocked her phone because I had a feeling/suspician that she was texting someone behind my back due to her Whatsapp last seen times changing very frequently (when she hardly used it prior to this other than to text me.)

If I hadn't had unlocked her phone (which I know was wrong) then I don't think she would ever have told me that she was texting this guy. I caught her and she kept saying that I have crossed a line by doing this......a bit hypocritical since she first engaged in flirty/sexual texting and essentially emotionally cheated on me behind my back!

She has said that I have betrayed her trust, which yes I have, but she in turn has done the same to me because she betrayed me first.

I told her we are done and she didn't seem too bothered actually.

Yes, things haven't been great between us, but we have got past rocky patches in the relationship.

Do you think I am wrong to have looked at her phone or was she wrong to have an emotional affair behind my back?

It seems like there is a lack of trust in your relationship (and rightly so really) I would count sexting as cheating. That sort of stuff should only be for you I think you’ve done the right thing ending the relationship even if it hurts right now. You need to be able to trust her other wise there’s no point. You’ll always question it!

Thanks for replying.

Yes it all makes sense now because she would keep her phone on silent, take it everywhere with her and keep it face down when not using it.

I'm angry and upset yes, but very shocked that she could behave this way which I never in a million years imagined she would be like.

As a man in this scenario, I am astounded that this actually happens to men as all too often us blokes get blamed for being the ones that typically cheat on women!

I know there are decent women out there but with my girlfriend I just never knew she could and would be like that in this nature.

Can I ask what you meant when you say there is a lack of trust and rightly so? I'm not sure what you mean exactly!

I believe in this day and age it's called 'micro-cheating'. I'd go as far as to say it went beyond emotionally cheating in this scenario as well because she intended to go and have actual sex with him at some point down the line.

Don't feel bad for looking at her phone. People have been 'getting caught out' for centuries. It's the stereotypical response in this day and age, after being caught out, to go "Errmergerd you were looking at my phone?!" It's just her way of deflecting a part of her awful behaviour onto you.

Privacy and trust can only go so far in my opinion. And if she's giving you reason to feel mistrusting, then what did she expect. *shrugs*

Oh I just meant, I don’t blame you for the lack of trust as obviously there was a reason for you to not trust her (with her texting another guy!) hope that makes sense!

I had my suspicions as her Whatsapp last seen status kept changing until the early hours of the morning and she is never usually awake at that time.

She is a dirty cheap little tart.

She planned on cheating and yes, in my opinion sexting is a form of cheating. Yes, you broke the trust by going into her phone, but she broke the trust herself even worse. From the sounds of your other post, it is best that this ended.

I think both are wrong.

When either one of these things happens, I think it is time to end the relationship.

Good job seeing to that.

i think sexting is the same as cheating. In fact I think there can be non-sex romances online that border cheating. Maybe its because I am married that i feel this way.

Cheating is breaking a boundary or rule defined by both partners in the relationship. You snooped on her phone, that was a boundary of hers that you crossed, she went behind your back to flirt with another man, that was a boundary of yours that she crossed.

I would consider both offenses equally terrible. I'd break up with someone if they snooped through my phone without permission, and I'd also break up with someone who was flirting with others while in a relationship.

Ok, here is my take on that. Why would you care if you have nothing to hide? My phone is literally all over the house. I tend to forget about it when I am at home because I have a house phone, and I converse on that. The cell is for brief use when I am out (Hey, I am at Walmart, can I get you anything?)and for text messages. I hate talking on it. I am FOREVER losing it. I don't care if my husband looks at it 5 times a day because there is nothing there that needs to be hidden.

I think there is a difference between openly having access to each other things and secretly snooping in each other stuff. I don’t care if my husband and I look at each other stuff too but we don’t do it in secret. Plus these people aren’t married or living together and only have been dating since not that long ago. If someone I dated touched my phone without permission, I’d be done with him. Equally I wouldn’t date people who are sexting.

Hello Depressed Fiance. I am so sorry that you are in this painful situation. I have a couple of comments and a couple of questions for you.

Unlocking someone else's phone without their permission is a violation of their boundaries and not okay. It is still not okay to violate someone's boundaries even if you feel they crossed a line...that's like saying "2 wrongs make a right" if you know what I mean.

With regard to the "sexting," had you and your fiance discussed your views on cheating guidelines for your relationship....does it include sexting? For some, that is cheating. For some, not. I think cheating needs to be defined by the couple...an agreement on both sides ahead of time...what is "okay" and what is "off limits."

For example, some women believe that if their male partner views pornography in his own time, he is committing an act of infidelity. Some women do not perceive it that way and simply view it as a sexual release for their partner in between sexual acts they share as a couple. There is no "right" or "wrong" as such provided both partners agree on the guidelines and nobody is being hurt or abused. If cheating guidelines were not discussed ahead of time, then things need to be directly discussed as they arise.

I think I am noting some ambivalence from you about the end of the relationship. Do I have that right? What do you feel you need at this point? Would you like to have some more dialogue with your gf regardless of whether the goal is to reunite or not? Sometimes people just want to have their thoughts heard even if the relationship will end anyway.

Or perhaps you would like a neutral 3rd party to listen to your concerns? Such as an experienced couples therapist. That could be really valuable if you are open to it.

I wish you peace and positive energy regardless of what you decide. Good luck.

I think the research indicates that, overall, the % of women who cheat is approximately similar to the % of men who cheat.

I think men and women have strengths and challenges. Perhaps your gf struggles with commitment...I have no idea. But I think it is always helpful to take some time and look at the greys of relationships rather than reducing the dynamic or the person to a black-and-white "good" or "bad" unless abuse and danger are involved.

There seems to be a lot of pressure in society for couples to seek someone "perfect." For example, you'll hear things like: "my loving husband of 45 years just cheated on me so now those 45 years mean nothing and I have to leave him." Infidelity is a big problem, no doubt. And humans are fallible.
Long-term relationships require a lot of trust and work from both sides.
Some people do not work through infidelity issues and some do. I know of at least a few couples who worked through it and found their own middle ground and let it go because that is what they wanted.

I am *not saying that you should do that. Nor am I saying the relationship must end now. Each situation is unique. I don't know either of you. I think time and thought and possibly counsel from an experienced therapist could help you. If you begin looking at the complexities of human relationships now, I believe that will serve you well for the future whether that involves a reunion with your gf or starting a new relationship with someone else. There will always be hurdles and problems to work through in any relationship...whether it's sexual boundaries or something else.

Hi OP ! Gosh, this brings back memories of my own issues with an untrustworthy ex and the lesson from that experience was to ALWAYS listen to my intuition. Ask yourself, do I really want to be with this person for the rest of my days? What do I want from this relationship? How will staying with this person benefit me going forward? Would I be happier with someone else?

If you truly want to make this work, do what you truly feel is right. But bare in mind all the alarm bells screaming at you - LYING, interest in other men, the problems you've had to get through in the past...

Put yourself in your girlfriends shoes - if a man flirted with me, how would I respond? If I truly care about and love my boyfriend and want a future with him, I'd block this flirtatious man. Why interract when I have my man to satisfy those needs?? Don't ever invite toxic, negative energy into your relationship. She should be mindful of that and know hetter, being older than you. You'd benefit more from a truthful, thoughtful, loyal girlfriend and she's out there wondering where you are - have faith it'll hurt now, it ALWAYS does because you're disappointed but you'll one day move on. I believe in you

The same goes for anyone else with doubts about their relationship and concerns regarding loyalty.

If I have nothing to hide, why do I have to prove it? In a healthy relationship, there is no snooping or being snooped on, there are boundaries. I don't need or want my partner to be involved in every aspect of my personal life, including what goes on in my phone. I couldn't fathom handing over my phone to make sure my partner knows I'm faithful, and I cannot understand this obsession over snooping/being snooped on. I can't wrap my brain around that low level of insecurity.

I'm sorry this happened to you, Depressed-Fiance It sounds like this relationship wasn't meant to last long. You did the right thing by ending it. Hopefully you'll be able a better relationship. I don't think spying your partner's phone is a good idea, but I understand why you may have been driven to that point. Sending many hugs to you

If there have been rocky patches in your relationship after a period of only seven months...then I don't really see much future for you both. When we are young and looking for a life partner we try others on for size...when we have determined a person is right for us we establish a committed relationship. I think that until a commitment from both parties is made, then you are both free to try others on for size. For me it wouldn't be a matter of me finding out that my partner was sexting...as I would never ever snoop on their phone....and if I did find out through accident, then I would leave them for being indiscreet....which in turn means that they care little for my feelings and integrity...I simply don't want to know what they do in their spare time. Knowing each others every movement and vetting their interactions makes for a very miserable partnership.

Please don't be too eager to disregard all others when you meet someone you like...the perfect match for you may pass you by.

I disagree. That's like saying you should be ok with the cops searching your car because "if you havent done anything wrong why should you worry or be opposed to it?"

In my book this is a deal breaker.

As suggested above this was pre-meditated (what was she doing on a dating site in the first place). This in fact then constitutes cheating. You don't have to physically have intimate contact to be intimate with someone. Where there is intent, there is guilt.

She has shown her true colours now and in a way I have dodged a bullet.

Yes and yes. Plus, she consistently breaks plans very thoughtlessly at the very last minute. You definitely are dodging a bullet.

I agree, it is an action not a choice to cheat on someone. We all think we won't ever be cheated on but when we are it hurts like hell.

Hi HL, thanks for your helpful input here, much appreciated.

I realise that snooping on someone's phone without their knowledge is a big violation of trust (it's not something I would normally have done), but I genuinely had reason to do so and my findings confirmed my suspicions.

I don't think she would ever have came and told me she was texting this guy behind my back if I hadn't have caught her, why would she tell me?


No, we hadn't discussed what was and wasn't acceptable with regards to cheating at any point - we overlooked this as we have the same beliefs in regards to cheating believe it or not!!!



You are right, I do have a range of mixed feelings right now with the way things are.

I feel that I want her to fully admit to what she has done (which she hasn't other than just mumble when I read the messages out to her), I want her to apologise and ultimately give me some clarity as to whether she would get back with me (if at all) ad if so it would have to be on my terms.