Girlfriend sexted a guy she knew from a dating site: Is it cheating?

I did at one point want to be with her for the rest of my days, of course I did and I think she did too.

I wanted from the relationship what 99% of other people would want from a healthy normal relationship.


You have a very valid point. She did lie to me (several times but I let it go), her interest in other men (from a dating site she met last year but has kept his number throughout our relationship - why?!) and also her flakiness in general.

If someone flirted with me, sure I would be flattered........but I would never entertain them further than that - that is crossing a line in my opinion.

I would do exactly as you would do by blocking their number (the flirter third party) and delete their number. I don't know why she didn't know better than to respond to him - screw loose up there perhaps?!

You have summed this up exactly the way I feel.

I really have no idea why he was on a dating site when she was in a relationship with me, PLUS she knowingly saved this guys number from that site for all this time in her phone and when I asked who he was months ago she said he was an old school friend (which is an absolute lie!)

She has also contacted him out of the blue and participated an responded in turn to his sexually charged nature of chats that he initiated.

If you need to hide something from your partner that you know they wouldn't like, then that makes you guilty when you know that it is wrong.

And as you say, the intent was certainly there - she knew what she was doing. Cheating is an action, not just a choice.

It's not about just looking into the information in the phone itself at all. It's about the initial mistrust and suspicion. The "snooping" & digging around for information to catch them in a suspected lie. That is what brings problems into a relationship.

So are you saying that I was wrong entirely to look at her phone?

Was I to just ignore it whilst at the back of my mind my gut is telling me that something isn't quite right?

She would never have confessed to sexting the guy, she deflected blame onto me because she is angry I caught her out.

See if you unlocked girlfriends phone without her permission and don’t find anything suspicious, she’d likely not date after that anyways as it’s a very inappropriate to do such thing. Instead of debating if snooping is ok or if sexting is cheating, please focus on reasons why you are going for these shady women and why do you get involved so fast. It’s not important if she has mental disorder. It’s important to get to the bottom of your wrong choices

I would not want to be with someone I can't trust. The fact that you had to unlock her phone shows that she is not trustworthy.

If she is not trust-worthy, then she is not "worthy" to be with you. You deserve a better life and a better relationship.

The thing is that I'd never have told her that I unlocked her phone if I didn't find anything suspicious - why would I?

I would never have done that again though, just a one off satisfying my curiosity.

If they want to waste their time.....go for it....I don't have a car, but, that would be my attitude...

I wouldn't want to be with someone that I couldn't trust either - obviously and that's why I dumped her, but not ultimately the reason.

I disagree when you say that because I had to unlock her phone means that she is untrustworthy. I had suspicion and my intuition told me that something wasn't right, I followed my gut and opened her phone that was my choice to do that.

I could trust her with some things (i.e. small things like hanging out the washing etc.), but with bigger more serious things then no I couldn't trust her which has proven itself.

I hope you find the resolution you are seeking DepressedFiance...whatever that means for you. If you do decide to have further dialogue with your gf (even if not to reunite) here are a few communication tips which you may find useful:

- provided you are both willing and able to remain calm, it is best to talk in person (texting or phone calls don't always go well when there's tension...no facial cues etc)

- try sitting next to her rather than across from her...that signals that you are communicating with her rather than accusing or interrogating (nobody likes being interrogated, right? Regardless of the situation)

- keep your body language open rather than guarded or oppositional

- use non-judgmental language such as: "I feel hurt that this happened and I am confused about x, y, or z. Would you please explain it to me from your point of view?"
(think of a time when you communicated with anyone out of strong emotion...it probably didn't go so well, right?)
Even though you are hurt, avoid saying things like "it's your fault because..." or "I hate when you..." etc Respect her boundaries. She's in her mind with her perceptions and experiences and you are in yours. If she doesn't agree with you or doesn't say what you hope to hear, just take a step back and acknowledge that she has the right to feel however she feels even if you don't agree.

If in-person communication does not go well, just calmly end the talk before things escalate, leave, and later write her a letter when you are not feeling heated. A letter would at least give you the chance to convey your thoughts and feelings which could be cathartic. Though if she doesn't respond at all or not in the way you'd like, again that is her right. Just leave her be.

Remember that all feelings are temporary. You could be feeling deeply hurt, angry, or hugely disappointed now but these feelings will not last forever. And if you do decide that the relationship cannot be salvaged, then allow yourself the time and space to grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for a future with your ex-gf.

When my prior relationships ended, I made it a point whenever possible to end things on peaceful terms. That does not have to mean forgetting or instant forgiveness...but to simply step outside of the confusion and pain long enough to acknowledge the other person's humanity by saying something like: "I wish you all the best for the future. Take care of yourself."

You may look back later in life and find that these sad events actually led you down a path that wound up being much happier than you could have even imagined. I know that has happened in my life several times.

Sorry you are going through this pain, Depressed Fiance. Breathe slowly and deeply and take good care of yourself.

So you’d snoop on person’s phone and never tell them you did it? I don’t believe it is right either unless of course it’s been discussed that you have a permission

If you suspected something, why snoop? Why not confront her verbally and have a mature, adult conversation about it? "I've noticed a few red flags between us and something is telling me you're not happy in this relationship. Is there something in this relationship that needs work and can be improved on, or would you rather end the relationship?"

I think part of my issue with the snooping is because it seems like you wanted "evidence" about her and chose to wait and get it before talking to her about it. When you need to gather evidence about your partner that is a very bad sign.

Of course I would, but only if I had genuine reason to suspect that something dodgy was going on.

Neither of us discussed what was and wasn't acceptable, but that still doesn't make it right what either of us did.



I snooped because I wanted 'evidence' before my eyes that something was going on, without that it is simply an accusation.



I understand what you are saying. But as the saying goes, innocent until proven guilty.

I did what I had to do.

She is just angry that she got found out.

Wow. You are such a hypocrite, Nyafire. You literally cheated on me, met up with people from dating sites, sat next to me texting other men, blowing them kisses and meeting up with them on fetish sites. And then when I look over your shoulder to see what you're doing on your phone, you go on a rampage for days about how I don't respect your boundaries, even to the point of accusing me of having Aspergers and calling me a control freak. The only reason you are even on this site is because you and another man who you were cheating on me with, tracked me down here to troll me when I was looking for support about how to cope with the suffering you were putting me through. I can't believe you wrote this! This is not what you believe.

No! She was cheating on you! It doesn't sound like she really cared about you. I'm sorry that this has happened to you!

I agree. I know that it hurts now. It will get better!

I count that as cheating. I hope you find a much nicer and honest girlfriend.

I always felt like she cared about me up until around a month ago, then I noticed that she would be less affectionate and she just wasn't her usual self.

Thanks for your answer anyway!

I count it as cheating too.

I don't know what I did to deserve this treatment from her.

first off don't soften this as some kind of "emotional affair" that's b.s. there is a plan to have sex as alluded to in here statement of not rushing it and there was no "no" to asking if they would have sex but basically "later". It is entirely an adulterous situation and furthermore seems like if you hadn't broken up it would've escalated into something physical.

bullet. dodged. Or maybe it knicked you a bit but you may have avoided a more severe injury here.

As for the unlocking the phone, its kind of a hard question to answer. I do think that if you are given the rights to unlock the phone, you have every right to look in it, because the partner has allowed it. The question of suspicion is there and I get that there were reasons for wondering. I had a wife of 6 yrs that I had been suspicious of cheating (and I was right) because she did the same thing, would change clothes for supposed "girls' night out" that was assumed to be "casual" ... but her attire was at odds with that. I didn't find out til way later.. but I won't get into that. But had smart phones been around back then I'm sure I would have been tempted to do the same. It really comes down to you being given the right to view her phone as you had the password. Breaking into it if you had to find the password would be pretty much wrong though.

Absolutely true and correct, every word of what you've written here is.


It angered me of course, why wouldn't it?



This was the only way I could verify my suspicions by unlocking her phone.

It's not like she would have come and told me that she was about to have an affair!

I still stand by my reasoning for unlocking her phone and that won't change.

What do you mean why wouldn't it? I hadn't assumed it wouldn't. My point was that you likely avoided being hurt more by finding out sooner rather than later, and getting out of the situation. Inevitably most cheaters are caught at some point, and when it's later, and has progressed it typically hurts and angers the victim even more. Good that you caught it to avoid all the pain that would have been worse weeks or months later.


No argument there, I likely would do the same given the situation and the evidence you laid out.

I'm not sure if my points came across clearly but I don't disagree with you nor am I criticizing or judging your actions.